A Malay view of race in Malaysia

all my fault

My flight to the East Coast is scheduled to depart on Thurs, 6:30am, and I'm still fiddling with my syllabus for my class in the fall quarter which begins NEXT WEEK, and I'm still writing my seminar paper which has to be in circulation NEXT WEEK. And, I after I send out my seminar paper to my group and anyone else interested in the paper (these things are public, so sometimes people ask for our papers but don't show up to the discussions, they are such _ssh_les), I have to write a 20-minute oral presentation for the week after.

I don't know how I get myself into these things!!!!!! I don't think I can finish all this work in a timely manner. What did I do this summer???

I'll bring work on my trip east, where I am scheduled to be part of an alumni panel on choosing academia. The proper answer to the question is, of course, "don't."

i knew it

When I came in to work today, I looked at my lunch box of leftovers and I thought, hmm, maybe I should put it in the fridge in the dept lounge. I don't always do that because it usually stays cool until lunch anyway. Sigh. The grad students are back for TA prep and someone's holding a TA meeting in the lounge so I can't get at my food!!

I think I'm starting to become less productive now for reasons unrelated to hunger but I still really would like to get at my lunch.

Working Class Zero

Yeah, uh-huh. This is why history is important.

Update

Oh dear, I just fell asleep on the couch in my office without meaning to . . . for two hours. And I still feel tired.

I really should be working

But instead, here are pictures of the peach I'm eating. Kinda gross, huh??!

Yesterday, K and I had lunch and discussed a book that we're reading together. Actually, it is more like a one-on-one tutorial for which I am incredibly grateful because she is teaching me to read more carefully and slowly. It took us three hours to talk about three of the 43 pages we agreed to read last week. And since we didn't get around to talking about the other 40 pages, we are re-reading the pages we didn't discuss so that we can talk about them the next time we meet.

The book is 624 pages long.

I don't think either of us expects to finish the book before I leave especially if we can only read during our "time off" and meet on weekends but the point is for me to learn how to read rigorously on my own.

I need time off from my weekend!

FRIDAY!!!

I am tired. Can barely get any writing done today. Note to self: save mindless work for Fridays and try to get as much writing done between Mon-Thurs. I can also feel my body starting to hold in stress again. Tomorrow will be a heavy reading day in preparation for the discussion over lunch on Sunday. Must be more mindful to not be anxious but in everything, present my petitions . . . .

Dinner with friends tonight, and I'm glad I'm not hosting this time. I'm very much looking forward to picking up something delightfully rich and calorific at the grocery store on my way over to A's apt. He's Italian and has promised to cook "wonderful pasta," so I can't wait! It'll be interesting to see if I will fit into my "work clothes" when school starts in a couple of weeks, sigh.

huh?

I just worked from 9am-12pm but have nothing to show for it. Sigh. Academia requires its subjects to delay gratification on many counts. Well, I'm off to pick up my bus pass for the fall (a good 20 minute walk because the office is further away) and then on to my afternoon's allotment of work which will hopefully yield more visible and tangible results.

Skipping badminton this evening because I'm a little behind in my "leisure reading," i.e. the pre-reading I have to do before K and I get together to discuss a chapter from a book this Sunday afternoon. Hopefully I'll be able to finish the chapter itself on Saturday after I get back from my chiropractor's. I'm seeing a doctor who is about an hour away because he uses similar methods as my chiropractor in Ithaca.

Strangely enough, I am really happy this week and time has just gone by much faster than I would like. Multiple deadlines coming up in a few weeks!!!!!

Starting off the week by being inspired and convicted by an act of prophetic courage.

I think I've been feeling far too sorry for myself than it is healthy. Need to learn how to pay attention to my emotions and not repress them but I also don't want to be narcissistic. Figuring this out drives me a little crazy though.

amazing

Time for some good news, and this story is truly inspirational. Except for the fact that I can't work with my hands for nuts.

back up on the roller coaster

Little things are making me glad that for the week, or the start of it at the very least. My mentor here has looked over the new book abstract and likes it too and she made a few suggestions which tells me she read the document quite carefully. I do have to revise the abstract a little more and herein lies the difference between my mentor here whose research area is closer to mine and my 18th C person. I adore both women, btw.

In her email to me, my mentor here commented,"What a difference a year makes!" So, while I may not have published an article as another postdoc did, I can choose to be thankful for the progress I have made this year. The abstract will be the blueprint for what I hope to get done in the next year or so and it will help me to have input on the blueprint before I go on to read and write more extensively. I think my mentor here wants me to get it done within the year but I'll be amazed if I manage to finish 3/4 of the project by the end of next summer.

I know I'm always too hard on myself and I can sometimes be too sensitive about criticism but it is true that I have to do a lot of catching up, especially intellectually. (Criticism doesn't make me angry and I'm usually very thankful for any that I get, but it often affects me emotionally as well.) It has taken me so long to figure out how others write well and now, I have to figure out how to write well myself. This is my goal for the year and it's going to be incredibly difficult but if I do succeed in some measure, I'm going to be very, very happy.

I was also pleasantly surprised by how much I enjoyed the salad I made for lunch. I usually don't like lettuce-based salads and much prefer baby spinach but I had to use up the extra lettuce that didn't get used when I cooked for friends last weekend. Tossing shallots, pine nuts, and a boiled egg into the lettuce was really easy to do and it was yummy too. That's good news since there's more lettuce in the fridge.

Eagleton, Terry. Reason, Faith, & Revolution: Reflections on the God Debate. New Haven: Yale University Press, 2009.

Prominent British literary critic Terry Eagleton makes it very clear that he doesn't take the resurrection or God to be true but it's interesting to see him defend Christianity against critics such as Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens (whom he shortens to "Ditchkins" in his lectures, also the basis for the book) on the basis of logic and political belief. He's got a pretty good reading of the person of Christ so far. I just started on this so I can't say very much about it yet but I did come across a funny passage.

"Now I would be reluctant to label the account of Christian faith I have just given liberation theology. All authentic theology is liberation theology. Nor am I necessarily proposing it as true, for the excellent reason that it may very well not be. It may be no more plausible than the tooth fairy. I should add, however, that holding views like this is an excellent strategy for anyone wishing to get rid of all their friends and colleagues at a stroke, provoking as they do irritation from the secular left and outrage from the religious right. Left-wing Christians are in dire need of dating agencies" (Eagleton 32-33).

very fun!

great way to end a sluggish week

"I like the book project. Very impressive and original."

Unfortunately, that didn't come from a potential publisher but it's nice to have that affirmation even if it admittedly comes from one's committee member who is not really in one's field . . . . it is nice after a week of not-terrible-but-at-the-same-time-not-so-great news and poor or slow productivity. My 18th C Brit Lit adviser is super-experienced but she has always been super-supportive as well so while I think that she can be honest, I also think that she would be harsher on me if I had worked on her area of research simply because she knows a ton more about what goes on in her area than in mine.

Well, all this is to say that I'm not convinced that my project is either impressive or original but I'm glad someone else thinks it is!

I'm leaving work early today to start cooking for a group of friends and unfortunately, two people just told me that they're coming too, and that brings my party up to FOURTEEN. Gosh, I hope I have enough food for 14 people. Oops, 15, including myself. I planned this dinner for about 8-9 and then kept inviting one or two extra people and now I have to go get extra food, I think. I definitely won't have enough pineapple cookies. Of course everyone asks if they can bring something and because I thought the group was going to be small, I said, oh no, don't worry, it's a simple dinner. But now I really wish I had asked them to at least bring drinks!!!

being realistic

This made my day.

down we go

Is it my imagination or are my friends blogging or updating FB more infrequently these days? :)

Well, I'm approaching another emotional downturn again but as someone responded to my FB status update, all of us have inherited "KBSM," an acronym for the M'sian secondary school curriculum but also for "Kerja Berat Sampai Mati," translated as "Work Hard Till You Die."

So I guess it's not just academics who feel that way. How is that supposed to make me feel better???

confused

A very liberal paraphrase and re-memory of a recent conversation.

Me, in great anguish: Someone recommended that I read Theorist X and I can't make sense of him!

P: Do you know what _________ means? (Names a philosophical tradition.)

Me: No. I haven't been trained in philosophy.

P: If you want to read philosophy, you need to read it slowly and carefully. You need to start by reading the broad introductory books instead of jumping into these difficult texts.

At the end of conversation, P agrees to read Book Y with me (not written by Theorist X but it falls in the same philosophical tradition).

. . . . A week passes.

Me: Okay, so I guess I need to read up on __________ first before we read Book Y together. Here are the few introductory books that I think might be helpful. Please let me know if I'm on the right track.

P: Yes, and here are a few more.

. . . . Another week passes and I bump into P in the halls.

Me: Oh, I started with one of them but I got lost because I couldn't understand his explanation of H's argument on the self-evidentiary nature of naturalism.

P: Oh, I don't understand that either.

Me: Huh??

P: I know what I understand and what I don't.

Me: What? But I thought I needed to read slowly and carefully?!

P: You need to read what's pertinent to you.

Me: How can I tell which concepts are pertinent and which aren't??

-__-

Sometimes, I really wonder what I'm doing with my time. And at other times, I wonder what I thought I was doing with my time.

cookery

Now that I've moved to a one-bedroom apt, I can actually have friends over. When you live in a studio, having friends over is not an option unless you want them to sit on your bed or on the floor. I don't much like it when people sit on my bed.

The problem is, the people who are coming over for dinner on Saturday evening have food allergies and between the four of them, I will have to avoid: gluten (wheat, which is not only in bread and flour but also most soy sauces!); garlic; shellfish; carrots; cilantro; chilli (basically spicy food is out); and alcohol. I guess I'll be cooking with a lot of salt and ginger!

I don't have much of a repertoire and my default flavor is "garlic" so I'm a little stumped. Apparently people with ulcers can't have garlic either cooked or raw. This is going to be interesting.

ps - Artist, if you're reading this, we'll have another get-together when you get back into town. It would've been nice to have you along as well but I organized one for this weekend because a friend was going to be leaving town for awhile--and it turns out this friend won't be able to make it anyway even though I asked her last weekend if this would be a good weekend for her. Well, I don't want to let down the four other friends who have made room for me this weekend.

fatigued

Finally managed to successfully donate blood for the first time in about 5 months! After the last botched attempt that left my arm bruised and stiff for weeks, I was really stressed out and scared this time but all went very well and I even managed to fill up the bag in less than 15 mins! But now I'm feeling very tired and a little light-headed. I was already tired after last week's marathon writing, moving, and cleaning activities but now all I want to do is roll over and go to bed (3:50pm).

The only thing that stops me from going home and reading on the couch is the fear that my upstairs' neighbor's kid(s) might be running around.....yeah. I can't believe it either. My landlords lied to me about that! Because I know that soundproofing in the US is HORRIBLE especially in apt buildings, I always ask if there are kids in the unit above me. Always. And the landlord said, no, you don't hear anything except in this little corner of the living room. B_llsh_t!!! And these kid(s) don't sound like they go to bed until 10pm!

So far they haven't woken me up in the morning although I do hear them once I am up and I hate the thudding and the running back and forth. I'm sorry. People with kids should not live in apts with wood floors if they are in an upper unit. It's just wrong.

Well, that got my blood up. Maybe I will be able to go back to my book. It's not serious reading at this point since I'm giving myself a bit of a break after sending a revised draft of Chapter Three to a friend this morning. YES!! That is out of the way. Hopefully I'll be back working on other parts of the project tomorrow. Writing can still be really stressful and painful but it is qualitatively better than dissertating even though it is the same kind of writing. I'm working on the same project after all but for some reason, work is more enjoyable post-dissertation. Funny, that!

Hishammuddin wants to know what ppl think about the ISA. Poll on bottom right of this website.

bleagh

I absolutely have to "finish" this chapter that I've been working on so that I can send it out to friends and whoever else I can get to read it by Monday--I've already given myself a week's extension! The problem is, I need to finish packing and moving and cleaning and selling furniture this weekend!! AAGGGHHHH.

I have the pages of the current draft laid out on my office floor. It looks like it'll make a pretty cool-looking rug but I'm not getting new ideas from looking at it yet.

Unbelievable

There are whole worlds out there that I know nothing about. I don't even know how I stumbled on this article (not through StumbleUpon!) but I'm glad I did because it was pretty funny to read even if it does raise a whole lot of ethical issues. Would you lie to liars even if you know that you might be doing good? (Kant's categorical imperative!)

Henri Nouwen, Bread for the Journey

March 11, Listening as Spiritual Hospitality

To listen is very hard, because it asks us so much interior stability that we no longer need to prove ourselves by speeches, arguments, statements, or declarations. True listeners no longer have an inner need to make their presence known. They are free to receive, to welcome, to accept.

Listening is much more than than allowing another to talk while waiting for a chance to respond. Listening is paying full attention to others and welcoming them into our very beings. The beauty of listening is that those who are listened to start feeling accepted, start taking their words more seriously and discovering their true selves. Listening is a form of spiritual hospitality by which you invite strangers to become friends, to get to know their inner selves more fully, and even to dare to be silent with you.

revelation

fighting words

My heart's been a little fragile recently and I'm hoping it's just hormones. So when I read this article, the cracks got even finer.

okay, something to keep me sane

Column on the transformation of the US. I'm all for the decoupling of race and citizenship all over the world.

I am so happy I accepted the job in HK. The thought of going back on the job market again is not a "happy thought" and I'm so glad I don't have to think that particular thought.

this is on FOX news (very conservative news channel)