School gym

Getting back on track after vacation and rest.

Eczema

The eczema has returned. I hate the itch and the sensitive skin.

Yes, I would wish this on my worst enemy.

Shifen

Taiwan

The Pacific ocean

Reunions

It's amazing to reconnect with friends from the past and find friendship still there.

I have such great senior colleagues. It's almost as if I have found new big brothers. One of them is the kind of big brother who promises to beat up the bullies at the playground. Another tells me that the playground is a dangerous place, then explains why it's dangerous and here's what I need to do to protect myself. And another listens to my stories about being in the playground and tells me how to avoid the bullies. Lol. It's been a really rough year, but it would have been unbearable without these folks. Work seems like a much more hospitable place because of them. #thankful

In my neighborhood

I'm not sure when this happened. Sometimes I am oblivious to what's going on around me.

2016

So far, this year has been a year of stress and health issues. First, the knee sprain, then the horrible skin allergies. Break time from The Project is over, and as I'm looking at those documents again, I am seeing holes everywhere and how so much of what is in my head still isn't on paper.

Stress - pain - stress - pain - stress.

Looking forward to a short vacation in a couple of weeks. And I value good health so much more now. 

US elections

They seem to get more ridiculous every year. Republican values aren't terrible even if we might disagree with them. But their candidates....

Trump is painful to watch, and terrifying to contemplate.

Bella

And having a dog around makes a difference.

Lower Cheung sha village, Lantau Island

Not quite glamorous enough to be glamping but I felt like I was wit family.

dept politics.....haha

This week has been so hard. For the first time since arriving, I seriously entertained thoughts of going back on the job market. But as I engage in the "careful, arduous pursuit of reconciliation and justice," I am finding more and more reason to hope. I do not do this as thoroughly as I would in an ideal world, but I am doing my best and discovering that God's ways, while difficult and slow and painful, are good.

Today, my boss sent out minutes of a student-faculty meeting (two representatives attend every year, and I've done it before but have been given a reprieve), and I am gratified that students took the time to note some of the exercises and assignments I use in my classes. No one was mentioned by name in the minutes, but I know for sure that I do some things that my other colleagues don't. My annual reviewer also submitted his review today, and he confirms that I'm on the right path, but made special mention of the high teaching scores. Teaching is so tough and it takes so much energy, work, and thought (especially because one always makes mistakes!) but it's nice to know that students appreciate it.

And finally, both my classes this semester seem like they are going to be very lively.

More lessons

Today, I learned from my boss that not everyone is going to be happy with the decisions we make and that's okay.

I'm also meeting new people at badminton and some of them are awesome. They teach me how to be patient at the game and model grace to their partners.

It's been a hard week, but I am thankful for today.

Yum

Coach brought us some goodies from his trip to Tokyo. I love Japanese rice crackers. The kind he got is different though. The purple cracker in the picture tastes like sweet potatoes, and one of the other crackers looked and tasted like a whole mini dried shrimp.

Office

This is the cleanest my desk has been all year.

Boss: How are you ?

Me: I'm medicated

Colleague : That means she's happy and it's easy to make her laugh

Me: Oh, that's not difficult to do even when I'm not medicated

Boss: That's true. I used to think it was because I was especially witty and then I noticed that's how she is with everyone else too

Indulgence

I have one recipe for cookies. Low calories, low sugar, and high protein. I just ate six in a row.

first round, done

Relieved. Exhausted. Terrified. Tired. Drained. Glad. Anxious.

Thankful.

So many have really stepped into my life this year to provide mentoring, support, encouragement, time, advice, good cheer, friendship, camaraderie, and perspective as the first round is completed.

Yes, I am going to use the word "completed." The first round is completed. Rounds two and three will be underway this Fall.

But, in the meantime, I really need some rest this week. Before the school year begins again next week. How is it possible that I already have so many meeting scheduled for the next week? My immune system has literally gone haywire.

Lord, help me. Without You, I cannot.

Because I can't, You must.

Psalm 116: 1-2

I love the Lord, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy. Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him for the rest of my life.

so glad the olympics is over

so close, so close

For the first time since my injury, I ran on court last night. I'm still not 100% back to normal, but I'm a lot closer now. That alone, despite insomnia and despite being unproductive in the office today (I really hate working on Saturdays now!!!), I feel so happy. Being able to run really makes a difference. Endorphins, welcome back. You have been greatly missed.

Sights after a typhoon

I love the peace and quiet of the city at the tail end of a typhoon before the T8 sign is officially lifted and people trudge back to work. But nothing beats the smell of rain in Malaysia.

And bumping into Kai, Pris, and Bella at the grocery store the Sunday before the typhoon:

#cityfeelslikevillage

my kite

fellow enablers

Today, K and I helped one another live saner lives.

K: It's okay, you're not Jesus. It's not your job to fix them. I think it's okay for you to focus on your deadline now. You can help when you have the energy and time.

Me: You're sick. Taking two days off to get better is perfectly legitimate.


What is it about our world(s) that make us feel like we need to do everything even when we can't?

Brain fog. A week off from the project was really necessary and it's really helped. But it's still there. I guess that's why they call it brain fog. It's like trying to see everything through cotton wool.

Brain fog is my great enemy. Is it my greatest enemy? I can't even tell because of brain fog.

from an old friend

She knows me so well. (Especially now because her second daughter is turning out to be pretty much like me.)

I just spoke to a funny, female senior colleague about a small worry I had, and she told me that I need to have a "hard heart," and that I need to "toughen up" or I'm never going to make it in this line of work. That's what Carole told me too when I was about to start graduate school.

And of course, neither one of these women have hard hearts, at least in my book. I think what they mean is that I need to let other people bother me. Other people have their own shit to deal with, and they may try to make it my problem, but hey, it's really their problem.

People, deal with your own shit. No truer words have been said.

permission to be emotionally unavailable

I talked to a mutual friend who also knows my visitor well, and this mutual friend gave me permission to focus on my work and ignore how I feel my visitor is unconsciously emotionally needy.

Permission to ignore others' emotional needs! What a thought.

Our Mutual Friend says Visitor needs to work through it on their own. And that it's not my job especially when I have a deadline around the corner.

So thankful for wise Mutual Friends who validate temporary emotional unavailability.

Things non-academic visitors say (that drive me up the wall)

People come to my city for their holidays but they FORGET that I AM NOT ON VACATION, and I CANNOT go on vacation every time people come in. Many people come through, and I'm glad to see them but I'm starting to feel like I can't do it anymore. I want to say yes to most people who want to be on my couch, but it can be tough even when everyone tries hard. Here's shit non-academics say:

"Oh, you set your own schedule?"

Yes, but I have freaking deadlines to make, so no, I can't go to work later just because you're lonely on what you decided was to be *your* solo trip. A solo trip is just that. Solo. You. On. Your. Own. 

No academic would say that because they understand the constant. Freaking. Anxiety.


"Oh! You're going to play badminton tomorrow night?"

Yes, I told you I've been off exercise and badminton for 3 freaking months because of my injury. This would be my first time in three months. Don't take away my reason for living. You're on a solo trip, remember? (See above.)


"So, when are you going on vacation this year?"

Not now. (See above.)



"How do I find my way to your apartment?"

I gave you the address. I asked you to be independent and you said, yes. Google map exists. Use it. (See above.)


"I'll go down with you."

Okay, ride the elevator down with me. Then see above.


"So, you go in early to work just to settle down."

Yes. I have my own way of working. I don't care if you understand it and I don't want to have to explain how I work to you. I really, really don't. No academic would even broach this topic.



I think I'm done with loaning out my couch this year. If anyone wants a vacation, bunking with a stressed out academic on a deadline is not it. Even when you're being well-behaved, I can sense the neediness. Not good. Think about why you decided to plan a solo trip. And keep that firmly fixed in your head. Talk about the weather. Talk about food. Talk about your shopping. And don't ask me about my work.

sponge

Remember how I now have three mentors? Boss, Mentor 1 and Mentor 2. Boss assigned me Mentor 1, and Mentor 2 kind of adopted me this past month. As I explained in an earlier post, M2 has a very different personality from Boss and M1. He talks really fast, always seems to be excited, and radiates constant energy. Boss and M1 are energetic and very much alive too, don't get me wrong. But M2 is energetic in the way only the stereotypical American can be energetic, if you get what I mean. Every time I talk to him--which hasn't been too often--I feel like I need a nap. Just thinking about M2 makes me want to take a break and rest.

M2 is really coming through for me right now while Boss and M1 are away on vacation. He told me on Monday that he'll read a whole draft of the thingamajig if I turn it in to him next Monday. That will give him time to go through it before he gets on the plane again. I won't be able to give M2 a thingamajig that's at all polished. And he's said himself that he won't be helping me with my arguments, but he will take a look at how the project is pitched or framed. That's exactly what I need help with most at this point. (I'll fight the other battles later this month.)

So, I'm thankful. And this week is crazy busy.

But, I also noticed that I tend to absorb the energy of the people I interact with, too much for my own good, maybe. When interacting with Boss and M1, I become quieter. When I'm in the same room as M2 or colleagues like R (who is also American and high energy), I feel like I'm on a buzz and I have a hard time turning off that buzz. Isn't that strange?

And finally, for the 1000th time at least.....writing is so difficult. Ugh.