wonderful lessons

The first 40 hours or so after the defense were really emotionally difficult for me. I spent last night grieving and mourning for a few hours in my room. I had a short email exchange with MS that night and she was worried about me. MS is a senior prof in Nutrition (one of the best programs in the whole country), and she is also one of the two women who leads the Christian women faculty/staff/grad reading group that I've been a part of the past 5 years or so.

MS sent me a fairly long email this morning about her own experiences in graduate school and offered valuable words of wisdom and below is my response to her email. I don't think she would mind, and I find no shame in a confession such as this one. I declare after David, "O, Happy Sin!"

(Those of you who might be interested to read about the reasons for such an invocation of joy, read Eugene Peterson's "Leaping Over Walls." It's in either that or "Running with Horses." Both are fantastic.)

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Dear M,

Thank you for your long and thoughtful email and thank you for sharing your experiences. It must have been horrifying at the time but your life is evidence that God can still work and use that experience for good. You're right, a lot of my emotions yesterday was a result of my letting go of my walls and barriers.

I had thought that if I can just keep going, if I can just keep my fatigue and frustrations and disappointments inside, I will be able to do everything my adviser wants me to do within the next couple of weeks.

I can't remember the exact moment, but God clearly called me to Himself and even though He didn't put it in so many words, He wanted me to let go and rest. No more walls to help me survive.

If it is true that all who are weary and heavy-laden go to Him for rest, then we must go without condition. I had to let go of everything, including my desire--which stems from pride--of wanting to do everything my mentors wanted me to do AND do them all ahead of time.

I also had to allow God to determine how much intellectual progress I will make. During the oral exam, my adviser said that my progress had taken "quantum leaps" this year. When I think back on how busy I was (preparing for the job market, traveling for interviews on the job market, teaching, and writing most of my dissertation) I think it really is a miracle that I've made any kind of intellectual progress at all. But I also know that I have far to go, M, I have so much more to learn!

That is part of what I had to give up last night when I grieved for everything else. If I never had another idea in my life (yes, I know you want to thwack me on the head), then so be it. God is sovereign and as you say, He has plans for my career. I still struggle with this but I need to give up my desire for control over my intellectual progress, even as I recognize that some of my desires for my career are good (intellectual rigor and integrity, for example).

Anyway, I should go back to my reading. I'd like to read for another 20 minutes or so.:) Thank you so much for offering to be available over the phone. I will keep that in mind! I'm not fond of talking over the phone and rarely do so, but in the odd, desperate occasion, I might pick it up and call you. I'm really grateful for your generosity, M.

Oh yes, I had a long talk with my adviser this afternoon and it was immensely helpful and meaningful. God certainly does work in mysterious ways. That blessing came *after* I released everything to Him, not before.

love,
z