This year, again, God has answered prayers I didn't know how to pray.

Here's a prayer for next year, "Father, teach me to worship."

Gifts

[11:51 PM, 12/23/2018] ___: Ohh.. you don’t believe you’re worth the time and effort

[11:51 PM, 12/23/2018] ___: You’re a jewel

[11:51 PM, 12/23/2018] ___: 💎

[11:52 PM, 12/23/2018] Zee: Lol. Of course you would say that.

[11:52 PM, 12/23/2018] ___: A true friend if one is lucky enough

[11:52 PM, 12/23/2018] ___: Yah.. it’s hard to earn your trust

[11:53 PM, 12/23/2018] ___: So being considered a friend by you is an honour

[11:53 PM, 12/23/2018] ___: I must have done one thing right along the way

[11:53 PM, 12/23/2018] Zee: Many things right over many years

JC Ryle on the wise men and faith

“The conduct of the wise men is a striking example of faith. They believed in Christ when they had never seen Him – but that was not all. They believed in Him when the Scribes and Pharisees were unbelieving – but that again was not all. They believed in Him when they saw Him a little infant on Mary’s knee, and worshiped Him as a king. This was the crowning point of their faith. They saw no miracles to convince them. They heard no teaching to persuade them. They beheld no signs of divinity and greatness to overawe them. They saw nothing but a new-born infant, helpless and weak, and needing a mother’s care like any one of ourselves. And yet when they saw that infant, they believed that they saw the divine Savior of the world. ‘They fell down and worshiped Him.’

We read of no greater faith than this in the whole volume of the Bible. It is a faith that deserves to be placed side by side with that of the penitent thief. The thief saw one dying the death of a criminal, and yet prayed to Him and ‘called Him Lord.’ The wise men saw a new-born babe on the lap of a poor woman, and yet worshiped Him and confessed that He was Christ. Blessed indeed are those that can believe in this fashion!”

Maybe my mom needs new Christmas music.

Comfort

"The true gift of Christmas is a bowing down to receive wisdom that comes from beyond ourselves. We are not enough. We need to prefer the revelation from God himself."
~ Pastor Brett

And very yummy gingerbread from an LB2 sister. I actually really like gingerbread except that it can often be too sweet. This one is perfect. Very flavorful.

Rachel: "It's in the uncertainty that your faith will grow so much."

Sat afternoon

With Fi and K.

Awww

I sent a panicked email to my boss because I thought I missed the deadline to apply for a conference grant, and then sent him another email to apologize. I had trouble with the system because the date was 2018, not 2019.

DP: :)

(Disclaimer: He has walked me through a few too many panic-attacks.)

Me: One day, you'll see the better side of me.

DP: I see no other!


Awwww. Another one of God's little graces.

God's little graces

Another lesson

A friend's MIL gave me mint cuttings, but I didn't know they were mint cuttings. I freaked out when these plants started to die a couple of days after I received them.

Then J told me that with cuttings, you have to let them die and the roots will regrow. So all I have to do is keep watering them and waiting.

There's a spiritual lesson here. The old will die and the new will come. 

But don't go pulling up the plants to see if the roots are growing yet! This last bit isn't really biblical, but it is a good reminder for an impatient person like me. 

God is at work even when we don't see anything happening.

Haggai 2:4-9

⁴ Yet now be strong, O Zerubbabel, declares the Lord. Be strong, O Joshua, son of Jehozadak, the high priest. Be strong, all you people of the land, declares the Lord. Work, for I am with you, declares the Lord of hosts,⁵ according to the covenant that I made with you when you came out of Egypt. My Spirit remains in your midst. Fear not. ⁶ For thus says the Lord of hosts: Yet once more, in a little while, I will shake the heavens and the earth and the sea and the dry land. ⁷ And I will shake all nations, so that the treasures of all nations shall come in, and I will fill this house with glory, says the Lord of hosts. ⁸ The silver is mine, and the gold is mine, declares the Lord of hosts. ⁹ The latter glory of this house shall be greater than the former, says the Lord of hosts. And in this place I will give peace, declares the Lord of hosts.’”

Uhm, wait...

Someone from my church offered to help me figure out direction. The first exercise we did seemed simple but it was incredibly revelatory.

My values, as are my head and heart, are not integrated and that's why I often feel conflicted and confused.

So thankful that God has brought the right people in to my life ... often without me even knowing how to ask. How does this keep happening over and over again?!

Gift from a former student

So sweet of her.

proverbs 32:21

Over the weekend, I was convicted that I am not fully submitted to the Holy Spirit. Had lunch with one of the ladies in my discipleship group, and our conversation was really helpful.

She said she used to be a control freak—wanted to control everything and everyone around her, and even went to idols to try to control things. If she hadn’t told me about that part of her life, I honestly wouldn’t have been able to tell. If God changed her, God can change me too.

And what’s the alternative? To go back to trying to control everything? That would be a living death worse than actual death.

When I’m fearful or anxious, I know it’s not from God. I don’t have to spend time dwelling on the anxiety or hurt. I just need to run into Jesus's arms.

This is my worship
This is my offering
In every moment
I withhold nothing
I'm learning to trust You
Even when I can't see it
And even in suffering
I have to believe it

[Chorus]
If You say "it's wrong", then I'll say "no"
If You say "release", I'm letting go
If You're in it with me, I'll begin
And when You say to jump, I'm diving in
If You say "be still", then I will wait
If You say to trust, I will obey
I don't wanna follow my own ways
I'm done chasing feelings
Spirit lead me

It felt like a burden
But once I could grasp it
You took me further
Further than I was asking
And simply to see You
It's worth it all
My life is an altar
Let Your fire fall

Spirit lead me
Spirit lead me
Spirit lead me

[Bridge]
When all hope is gone
And Your word is all I've got
I have to believe
You still bring water from the rock
To satisfy my thirst
To love me at my worst
And even when I don't remember
You remind me of my worth

I don't trust my ways
I'm trading in my faults
I lay down everything
'Cause You're all that I want
I've landed on my knees
This is the cup You have for me
And even when it don't make sense

[Post-Bridge]
I'm gonna let Your Spirit lead (Spirit lead me)
I'm gonna let Your Spirit lead (Spirit lead me)
I'm gonna let Your Spirit lead (Spirit lead me)
I'm gonna let Your Spirit lead (Spirit lead me)

If You say "it's wrong", then I'll say "no"
If You say "release", I'm letting go
If You're in it with me, I'll begin
And when You say to jump, I'm diving in
If You say "be still", then I will wait
If You say to trust, I will obey
You're the only truth, the life, the way
I'm done chasing feelings
Spirit lead me

Spirit lead me

Church workout group

psalm 57:2

I cry out to God Most High,
    to God who fulfills his purpose for me.

Burnout

And blessings. It's unbelievable how God has brought so many generous friends into my life. Nothing I ever deserve.

Friendship

Sometimes I need reminders that we can only grow as far as grace allows. When I look back at the last year and nine months, I notice that I have no control over when God heals.

God is not a part of my plans; I am a part of God's plans.

But He is a gracious, merciful and loving God.

Hmm

Yesterday afternoon, I told God, “If you keep me in this job, give me a vision. If you take me out of this job, give me a vision too.”

Last night, I learned this from Dallas Willard’s Life Without Lack on the promises of Psalm 23:

Submission is giving up the belief that my will is supreme or best. 

What if I carry that attitude into my work and relationships?

To seek others' good and glory.

Evidences of God

I was invited to attend a luncheon of 17 leading pastors including Stephen Olford who influenced teachers and preachers worldwide. His impact was recognized by seminarians, pulpit ministers, and evangelists. During the table conversation he said, “My brothers. I am weary of celebrity religion. You know I have received my share of honors. But if when I die my family does not say, ‘There is something of God in the man,’ I will have failed.”

A holy hush came over this distinguished group. Each attendee considered his own personal situation.

Even though I was invited as a guest and not pastoral participant, I thought then and continually about the evidences of God in a man.

Here are four ideas that come to mind:

A quiet center that cannot be panicked is an evidence of God. The Quaker theologian Thomas Kelly called it making a “mental habit of internal orientation.” That is a mouthful! I like to just say those who evidence God have a quiet space that is rooted in Him and immune to permanent disturbance. I think of Christ asleep in the boat when the storm was raging. A physical representation is the eye of the hurricane which is perfectly still while everything around it is reeling and rolling. The very center is quiet.

God is evidenced in the way we speak. I think of my friend Bob, raised on the streets of a big metropolitan area. He once said, “When I came to Christ, He cleaned up my dirty mouth and tongue.” Vulgarity gave him a bad taste in his mouth. Profanity turned into prayer. The choice of subjects we talk about reflects our internal base. The things we think about naturally come out in our conversation.

Another evidence is the quality and breadth of love in our lives. Unconditional love comes from Christ and is a demonstration of God’s presence. John, the apostle, tells us we can’t be rightly related to God and hate our brothers. Jesus told us our love one for another would let others know we belonged to Him.

Another evidence is our attitude toward death. The way we think about dying is crucial to maturity. The assurance of heaven gives us a peaceful acceptance of life with its ups and downs. The fact that this life isn’t the sole experience creates an equilibrium which allows us to reflect an eternal perspective. God in our life reminds us this life is the practice – the real game comes later. I am certainly glad.

This week think about: 1) How do people know I have a relationship with God? 2) What do I want my family to say about me when I die? 3) When do I experience the quiet center?

Words of Wisdom: “The things we think about naturally come out in our conversation.”

Wisdom from the Word: “But as for me, God’s presence is all I need. I have made the sovereign LORD my shelter, as I declare all the things you have done.” (Psalm 73:28 NET Bible)

- by the late Fred Smith Sr.

Dog's breakfast

Who else but God?

tired pup

double portion

Sobering

At the faculty fellowship today, someone shared about how she had the chance to pray for a retired professor at Cambridge. He won a Nobel prize and while he was passionate for Christ in his 30s, but he turned away from God.

He seemed to not respond to my colleague's sharing and prayer, but she wasn't sure either. Only God knows his final decision. But apparently his wife used Ecclesiastes in his eulogy and described the man's life work as meaningless. More shocking, his children didn't even turn up at the funeral. How much brokenness must have existed for them to make such a hurtful choice? Only the devil would rejoice in such a thing.

I'm glad for my colleague's faith and focus on the work and glory of God. The wife must have felt some comfort that this slightly odd Chinese couple cared to visit when even her children didn't.

Insomnia

Some days, all the blue skies in the world are just not enough. A friend who understands even when not much is said can be a balm.

Faith comes by hearing

Thankful

This came on a day when I felt incredibly fatigued and despondent.

Lord, help me submit to Your will and Your ways.

Volunteer event

No truer word ....

Friend: "Let's keep up! God has not given up on us, so we shouldn't either."

Amen.

Sand

A close friend's two youngest kids went through stages where they couldn't step on sand. They would go to the beach but have a hard time playing because they would cry when sand touched them or they touched sand.

That must be how God sees me right now. He's brought me to the beach so that I can run around, play, and have fun, but I'm scared of the sand ...

Even I have to laugh at myself.

Old interview with Eugene Peterson

The interview is worth reading in full. I'd paste it here, but it's far too long. I praise God for the example of this man's life and words.

"Sometimes I think all I do as pastor is speak the word “God” in a situation in which it hasn’t been said before, where people haven’t recognized his presence. Joy is the capacity to hear the name and to recognize that God is here. There’s a kind of exhilaration because God is doing something and, even in a little way, it’s enough at the moment."

In a way, so much of what Peterson talks about--planting, waiting, trusting, believing, praying, and all of this always in community--is what LB2 is all about. I'm in awe of how God patiently speaks to us over and over again. This interview was published in 1987!!

"The assumption of spirituality is that always God is doing something before I know it. So the task is not to get God to do something I think needs to be done, but to become aware of what God is doing so that I can respond to it and participate and take delight in it."

Israelites in the desert

"Day after day there was nothing but emptiness. All their lives they had never known anything but work, forced labor and no respite from it. What they had to realize was that emptiness was a prerequisite to being filled" ~ Eugene Peterson, As Kingfishers Catch Fire, 31.

Politics

"The politics of the Lamb, by showing that the plainest details of our daily faith are significant factors in a cosmic drama, protects us from hubris and guides us into the maturity that pours intelligence and energy into what is before us, making a holy work of art out of the ordinary" ~ Peterson, Reversed Thunder, 132.

Smart

My dad said that my grandmother rings this bell when she needs to get the helper's attention.

Entering God's life?

Prophecy addresses our wills with an invitation to participate in God's will. When we witness we do not recruit or propagandize; we clear the ground where decisions are made, try to throw some light on the intersection between time and eternity, and invite entrance into that clarity where the "narrow way" begins. Law tells us how God is involved in our lives. Prophecy tells us how we are involved in God's life.

~ Eugene Peterson, Reversed Thunder, 114.

"Prayer discovers the coordination of all needs under the mastery of the one who supplies all needs. Prayer is a focus upon God whereby all things come into focus. By centering attention on God the center, all things become centered. Life is not indiscriminate bits and pieces, mingled treasure and rubble. It is coherent" ~ Eugene Peterson, Reversed Thunder, 91

Daniel 3: 16-18

16 Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to him, “King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. 17 If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us[c] from Your Majesty’s hand. 18 But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.”

“There is no way to know who you really are until you are tested. There is no way to really empathize and sympathize with other suffering people unless you have suffered yourself. There is no way to really learn how to trust in God until you are drowning. But we also learn from this story that God is with us in the fire…. He walks with us, but the real question is—will we walk with him?” (234).

“Christian peace comes not from thinking less but from thinking more, and more intensely, about the big issues of life. Paul gives a specific example of this in Romans 8:18, where he uses the same word, logizdomai, and speaks directly to sufferers. He says, ‘I reckon that our present sufferings are not worth comparing to the glory that shall be revealed in us.’ To ‘reckon’ is to count up accurately, not to whistle in the dark…. 

Someone reading this might say, ‘You are talking about doctrine but what I really need is comfort.’ But think! Is Jesus really the Son of God? Did he really come to earth, die for you, rise again, and pass through the heavens to the right hand of God? Did he endure infinite suffering for you, so that someday he could take you to himself and wipe every tear from your eyes? If so, then there is all the comfort in the world. If not—if none of these things are true—then we may be stuck here living for seventy or eighty years until we perish, and the only happiness we will ever know is in this life. And if some trouble or suffering takes that happiness away, you have lost it forever. Either Jesus is on the throne ruling all things for you or this is as good as it gets” (299).

“Suffering puts its fingers on good things that have become too important to us. We must respond to suffering not ordinarily by jettisoning those loved things but by turning to God and loving him more, and by putting our roots down deeper into him. You will never really understand your heart when things are going well. It is only when things go badly that you can see it truly. And that’s because it is only when suffering comes that you realize who is the true God and what are the false gods of your lives. Only the true God can go with you through that furnace and out to the other side. The other gods will abandon you in the furnace” (308). 

“When things go wrong, one of the ways you lose your peace is that you think maybe you are being punished. But look at the cross! All the punishment fell on Jesus. Another thing you may think is that maybe God doesn’t care. But look at the cross! The Bible gives you a God that says, ‘I have lost a child too; but not involuntarily—voluntarily, on the cross, for your sake. So that I could bring you into my family’” (312).

Tim Keller on suffering

Sometimes.....

God doesn't have a Plan B

There's always only been a Plan A

Socials

The gospel is God's love letter to us. In it He never tires of telling us how much He loves us.

How to live life

Rule No. 1: Have friends

Lightbulb moment

You know, I think I need to pay attention when I start feeling like I need to fix things and correct others. It is not my job to save the world; that’s God’s job and He will do a better job than me.

Performance

Checking in

Sometimes work can throw really hard stuff in our way. I'm thankful that God has provided a friend who understands what this life is like, and who watches out for me.

Isaiah 40: 1-5

Comfort, comfort my people,
    says your God.
² Speak tenderly to Jerusalem,
    and proclaim to her
that her hard service has been completed,
    that her sin has been paid for,
that she has received from the Lord’s hand
    double for all her sins.

³ A voice of one calling:
“In the wilderness prepare
    the way for the Lord^[a];
make straight in the desert
    a highway for our God.^[b]
4 Every valley shall be raised up,
    every mountain and hill made low;
the rough ground shall become level,
    the rugged places a plain.
⁵ And the glory of the Lord will be revealed,
    and all people will see it together.
For the mouth of the Lord has spoken.”