still miserable but smiling

I spent most of the past four days trying my best to get better and my bones which had previously turned to jello are slowly recovering as well but the congestion is only partly gone. I really must find a way to get sick less often!!!! This time round, the muscle aches and chills were the worst I've ever experienced. For a moment I thought I had the flu but then concluded that it can't be because I was keeping food down. I picked up a 1078-page translation of Alexander Dumas's "The Count of Monte Christo"--which I had never read, believe it or not--and finished it this morning. The novel was quite entertaining but it also required a great amount of effort to suspend disbelief.

Anyway, two reasons why I'm smiling:

First, a now-retired popular HK singer who loves badminton showed up to the Sat night badminton group I usually play with.....I was too sick to play but I showed up to watch and made sure to wear a surgical mask. Yeah, I couldn't resist. (And I was so exhausted just from watching!! This cold has really drained me.) The club's organizer told me about her visit a couple of days ago and I was convinced he was pulling my leg so he said, "Come and see for yourself! You're not allowed to play because you didn't sign up before the spots were filled up but you can just come." So I did. I was too shy to ask for her pic although she was very bubbly and generous with everyone who wanted a pic. The pic here is of the celebrity (in the middle) with the club organizer and his wife.

Second, the aforementioned club organizer, Adr, was FB chatting with me a couple of hrs after the session and I'm not sure how but he started asking me how old I was, if I had a boyfriend, etc. He already knew that I have a PhD and when he found out that I'm turning 32 this year, he said "You have to lower your standards. And don't tell people that you are a professor. Just tell them you are a teacher. If you tell people you have a PhD, it is like taking out a sword and killing them." Then he recommended a local dating site for people in our faith community and said "They won't take you on after you hit 35."

So now I'm smiling because it's really funny. I'm sure Adr sincerely believes everything he said to me and I'm not naive enough to disbelieve him but.....well, it's nice to have sincere friends, yes?? 

Okay, I need to go lay down again.

Can't find a good youtube music video of SY, but in this video, she sings one of the theme songs to an old movie from the early 90s. She doesn't show up on screen but you can hear her voice.

doldrums

I think my body is fighting another vicious virus. No fair, I was sick for two weeks back in April!!!! So far, I'm not congested and if I have a temperature, it's very slight but my whole body is weak and aches all over. Hopefully, rest, fluids, and vitamins will help stave it off but I'm running low on food and it's been raining hard over here. I hope it stops raining before I have to drag myself out to get more food. During times like this, being single sucks.

giants of faith

During home church meeting last night, I suggested we describe one person we respect or admire as part of our ice-breaker. I thought it would be an easy ice-breaker because I can go on for hours just talking about the different people who have made a difference in my life. To my surprise, almost everyone had to think long and hard before they could come up with one person.

I guess I should be very, very grateful that I've met so many wonderful and amazing people, both in and outside of the faith.

minor epiphany

I just realized that I hate repetitions. I hate doing the same thing or living the same kind of experience more than once. Learning a new skill or sport requires practice and repetition but with some sports, even repeating the same move can contain miniscule differences. It's definitely true with badminton since everyone plays differently and when you put four people on the same court you have an almost limitless number of permutations of shots. It is also true that if you don't vary your sparring partners, the game becomes too predictable and therefore boring.

And I've been fortunate that life hasn't become boring yet! There are days when I long for stability and a routine that will last more than a year or so but I grudgingly admit that I would be bored if and when that happens. Sometimes, I think that certain struggles that I go through over and over again frustrate me precisely because I hate that it is repetitive even though clearly, I haven't learned how to get through whatever it is. And this also why I hate memorizing Bible verses--too much repetition necessary!! Hmmm, what does this all mean??

things to think about

Last week, I officially recognized and celebrated the fact that I've been taking baby steps in my work! This week, I have to gather up my courage and do more of it.....But I know now that I can make some headway in work as long as they are baby steps and as long as I don't let fear shackle me down. I need to keep moving forward after a bit of rest.


Last week also showed how mistaken I was to assume that I've seen--and thus am no longer surprised by or have difficulty with--a lot of different kinds of relational troubles. Since this is a blog that only friends have access to, I feel like I can be a bit more up front about how I feel but sometimes I wonder how much of what I write counts as gossip too, so I'll try to be as general as possible without giving away this person's identity.

I stuff my foot in my mouth on a regular basis and I think I did that again this past weekend. When I asked the person I think I offended if there was anything wrong, he just said "Oh, I'm just tired." (No, this is not a romantic relationship but for reasons that will become clear, gender is important to this story.) To cut a long story short, I took him at his word at that point but as time passed, he was clearly sulking and acting in a passive aggressive manner, i.e. he wouldn't talk as he normally did and if i said anything, he gave monosyllabic answers.  This became especially clear in group conversations when he engaged others in the group but then looked tired or bored when I spoke. After awhile, I just ignored him and refused to speak to him until he spoke to me--and he did when he saw that I engaged others in conversation rather than him.

(Nota bene: I'm now very good at being self-sufficient in social situations. I wouldn't like to live on a desert island by myself but I suspect that I would find a way to live a happy and fulfilled life regardless.)

Hanging out with someone who acts in this way is really not much fun and I am quite convinced now after several observations that he acted that way because I had somehow hurt his fragile, little male ego. If I'm right, and I think I am, then I feel very sorry for my female friends who are married to men who don't know how to deal with conflict because I was around this guy for only a few hours and I was tired, upset, and hurt myself. I can't imagine being married to someone who treated me like this off and on and off and on again.

I know I was wrong to have been careless with my words and honestly, I do my very best to guard my tongue most of the time--which is why I avoid people when I'm tired and can no longer guard my tongue--and yes, I do have wrong ideas in my head still and will invariably act and speak in ways that are a reflection of those wrong ideas. But rather than have someone revert to passive aggressive behavior, I'd much prefer a gentle confrontation if possible, and if not, I'd even prefer a shouting match so that the issues are at least on the table. Right now, I can't even apologize for what I said because I'm not 100% sure that what I said is what's bugging him. (I also suspect that several other things happened that chipped away at his ego that afternoon so I am not wholly to blame, but I very much wish I could be certain.)

Well, when I was younger and wasn't as aware or in control of my emotional responses, I had the great luck of being surrounded by more mature people who loved me and didn't turn away from me even when I hurt them. It's payback time now. I shouldn't turn away from friendship with this guy and I can only hope that over time, things will get better. (No, I'm not interested in a romantic relationship with this guy but I honor and enjoy platonic friendships greatly.) In the meantime, I need to go brush up my skills at smiling vapidly and acting in a deferential manner. And if I can't do those things, I'll just act like the quiet, reserved, serious person that I sometimes am anyway.

I wish I had a better answer to this. And I hope to God that if I do get married, my husband would have learned a lot of conflict resolution skills. (Yes, I need to keep working on my own too!)

limits

Okay, I know now that I can't schedule a windsurfing session the same day I play badminton. My legs and back get so fatigued after windsurfing. Never again! Also, the soreness of my back muscles tells me that windsurfing is pushing me to use back muscles that I don't normally use. This is great as long as I am careful to maintain proper posture because the last thing I want is to injure my lower back.

I actually don't really have much to say at this point, but wanted to talk out loud randomly. I'm a little tired of eating. Can't seem to think of what I'd like to eat and tend to rush through my meals a little too quickly so that I'm done with it. I get hungry, of course, and that's why I eat but I'm not eating for pleasure right now and I don't know why that is. It'd be nice if I could stop feeling hungry so that I don't have to eat at all!!! Isn't that weird? I usually love food.

energy!

YES!!! This post is not about how I'm lethargic, anemic (metaphorically speaking), or depressed (more or less metaphorical as well). I woke up at 7:30am and I've been moving slowly all morning but at least I've been moving! I have been sipping a very strong cup of HK-style milk tea so that might have something to do with it. HK-style milk tea is similar to M'sia's teh tarik; they're both loaded with caffeine. I prefer teh tarik, of course, but this will do every now and then. Caffeine does put me a little on edge so I really should commit to finding a green tea substitute. Green tea is also high in caffeine but the way the tea is processed (or plucked, dried, whatever) makes it a "softer" kind of tea. That is, it gives you the benefits of caffeine without its side effects.

But this new-found energy is not just a result of the tea, I think it's a result of two other things I'm doing as well. The first is, of course, badminton! I played three hours last night with a fairly decent group and was super tired out last night. I was afraid that I would be fatigued this morning but that hasn't happened. In retrospect, I think that I'm someone with a lot of nervous energy and if I don't channel that energy somewhere, my body somehow goes into the opposite direction and shuts down. It's weird but I'm now convinced that if I don't get enough exercise, I just feel sleepy and tired. I think I have a busy weekend ahead: thinking of going windsurfing on Sat morning, badminton on Sat night, then TWO sessions of badminton on Sun evening (trying out one new club and playing at my regular club), plus trying out another new club on Mon night, and then possibly playing for a second time at a different club (the club I played at last night for the first time) on Tues night. That would mean four consecutive days of a lot of exercise. It might be overkill but then again, maybe my body can handle it.

The second more important reason for this new found energy is theological. I've been enjoying the online sermons of a friend's former pastor. His sermons are only 30 mins long but I almost always learn something new. As I said in the post below, I've been listening to his sermon series on time and work and two insights have really made a large impact on my life this week. First, the insight that our life's rhythms are pegged to the seven-day schedule where everything we need to do in life, we have to do within seven days. That is, everything important to us has to take place within the seven day cycle, including work, play, and relationships. This means that we need to find time to rest within the week. And we need to find time to work and be in relationship with others as well.

I've been tired and I tried resting and resting and resting until I felt rested. That didn't work even though it sounds like it should work. This week, I'm trying an experiment. Yes, I still feel tired but I'm going to try to include as much work into my day as possible. Today is only Wednesday but I think there is truth to this seven-day-cycle idea. An old childhood friend made the observation a few weeks ago that I'm a "woman of extremes." It came up when I told her I was telling her that I'm picking up windsurfing. Her immediate reaction was to ask "When are you turning pro?" I laughed because I had thought seriously about it (and came to the conclusion that it would take far too many years to turn pro). But it was helpful for me to think about this. Being someone of "extremes" is useful at times because I push myself. But sometimes, it's more detrimental to life in general because I neglect other areas of my life and burn out on one thing.

The second insight from his sermons is that work is hard. You'll have to listen to his sermon yourself to understand the idea fully because this post is getting too long. But wow, that flummoxed me and it was also liberating. Work is hard. Why should I be surprised to find that it is hard? My mind and spirit have been shut down because I just couldn't face the work I was supposed to be doing. It has been such a struggle to get started on it and it is still such a struggle. But I'm going to keep going for now and see what happens.

This is different from doing a job that is "wrong" for you. I don't know if this job is right or wrong for me because I have never given my all. And right now, I'm excited by the thought of trying things out. I'm scared to death of failing. I'm scared to death of finding out that it is "wrong" for me and that I might not have the skills for it. But I shouldn't let that fear stop me from trying things out. And trying it out will be hard. But that's okay because work is hard.

paying the price

I don't have time to explore fully what I learned from the minor disagreement with my friend last week. I've realized perhaps a little belatedly that the worst decisions I've made in the past were always made when I felt threatened and was therefore either angry or afraid, or both. God has redeemed and will continue to redeem my bad decisions. I might have to live with the consequences of those bad decisions but at the end of the day, I know I will say that God was good, he is good, and that regardless of what happens, there is still much for which I can be thankful.

But at the same time, I'd like to be more careful about how I make my decisions, especially during moments of anger or fear. I hope that in the future, I'll take the time to stand back, breathe deeply, acknowledge the fear or anger, wait for the emotions to subside and only then begin to weigh my options. I'm not saying that everyone shouldn't make decisions out of fear or anger because sometimes we don't have the luxury of time and maybe not everyone has the same struggles as I do. But as for myself, I'd like to make that time whenever possible and it'd be nice if I could be more aware of my emotional states.

Well, last week, I also learned a bit about time and what the Bible has to say about time, thanks to a sermon series I've been listening to online. This summer, I'm struggling to take baby steps re work and so far, it has involved a lot of procrastination and napping to avoid work and the awful feelings it provokes. Opening that word document is the most difficult thing in the world. But this week, I've been doing it for two days now, only after much desperate prayer, "Oh, lord, help me help me help me help me!!!!", still more internet breaks, and still a lot of napping. (It doesn't help that my upstairs neighbor's air-conditioning unit is dripping and the drips are falling on my air-conditioning unit in loud pings that disrupt my sleep.) I'm working on easy editing at the moment and marking sections where I need to put serious thought into the writing. Hopefully I'll be on my way to more serious thinking and writing by the end of the week.

okay, i've got a problem

Do you know what I really really hate?? I really really hate it when people act needy. I called a friend recently, and she goes, "Oh, okay, what's up? Something's up. What's wrong?" As if I only call her when something's wrong.

FIRST off, she's the one who keeps saying: "Oh, call me if you need anything, okay? Just call me!" Okay, well, I'm new to the freaking place and in the past SIX months, sure I've had to call because I need advise or tips or directions. But honestly, I can't remember the last time I called her for help.

AND SECOND, this is the first weekend of July, and I was away for the first TWO WEEKS of June, then SHE was away for the third week of June, so we've been in the same city for one week when we haven't seen each other. Last I recall, we went windsurfing together the weekend before I left for Cyprus!!!! So all of a sudden, I don't call her except to ask for help????

This is so unfair. Okay, I admit it, I do NOT like to talk on the phone, I just don't. But guess what? I don't talk on the phone most of the time, it's not just her. And, I've been busy sleeping, watching TV and trying to get my act together, it's not like I've ditched her, I've ditched everyone else too! (Except for badminton and church, it's true, but I'm allowed to have some obsessions.)

UGH.

I hate it when I have moments like this where I feel like I'm a bad friend. Well, because it's not like she needed me to be there for her, you know?? If she was in trouble I'd be there. But she's not in trouble, and besides, what would we do? Go out to lunch? Watch a movie? So exciting .... 

Okay, fine, in my head I did think, "Well, it's not like we have the most exciting conversations and I can't think of anything to say to her so I'm just going to stay home." But does that make me the bad friend??? I feel like a teenager again.

Something's going on here and I don't know what it is, I just know that this is annoying me to no end, partly because I've had other needy friends in the past who made me feel like there's something wrong with me. Well, if there's something wrong with me because I like to stay home and I don't need to be as social as other people, then FINE, there's something wrong with me and if you can't handle it, just go away and leave me alone. Give me anymore of "oh something's up right, come on, something's got to be up" and you will never hear from me again. And it wasn't like we've been best friends all these years. Come on, I just moved here six months ago!!!!

Rant over. I'm still steaming but I have to stop. Stuff like this makes me want to go into counseling again because this is what we call "crazy-making."

-----

Update

Now that I've calmed down, I think I've learned a lot from what happened this weekend. More next time because I have to head out to church now but I'll just say for now that this touched a raw nerve and the next time something like this happens, I should probably wait 24hrs before doing or saying anything about it. I am glad that I didn't say anything to this friend though because if I had done it while I was mad, it wouldn't have worked out well.

back in the rut again

I realize that I don't respond to emails as quickly as I do when I'm working. In other words, if I'm not already at my desk trying to write, I don't bother to reply even the lovely chatty emails from friends. Sigh.

please say it ain't so......

Okay, it's obvious even to me that I need deadlines to work. True, it does take a bit of time to get over the sense of fatigue one develops after traveling through multiple time zones in a very short period, but it is also true that I was hugely productive when I had to write or risk having nothing to say in front of other people.

I'll think about setting personal deadlines. Living on adrenaline gets things done but oh how I hate living on adrenaline knowing that I'm going to collapse after that!!!!

back to routine life

Had a great time in Cyprus and have had a busy few days since getting back. Saw an old friend today for the first time in about SEVEN YEARS and it was very good to catch up. Life is very good. I'm very surprised at how much I love my life!!! Too tired right now to blog about new thoughts from the trip to Cyprus and I'm afraid that I may have forgotten them by now. Next time, I must be more disciplined about taking short notes when I don't have time to blog.

Here are the pics on FB.

HK's humidity in the summer is way worse than anything in M'sia. My clothes are soaked through with sweat by the time I walk to my office!!!!

gone for a bit!

If Paul Ogata ever performs in your neighborhood, Go!! He is very, very funny and sharp. I not only liked his prepared routine but also his sharp exchanges with the audience. Look him up on youtube for a sample.

Windsurfing was fantastic, except that I forgot to apply sunscreen on my hands and feet and I ended up being sunburned only on those places. I looked funny but worse, my feet especially felt awful and they are still stinging a little now. 

I get on the plane tonight and leave for a short break/conference before flying back here for another conference presentation the day after I get back. I'm more or less finished with the first paper but haven't begun the second one so I hope I get a lot of work done on the plane!!! I am very very excited to be leaving because I'm going to a place I've never been to before. I have four days on my own and I think I know what I'll be doing . . . . At this point, it looks like I'll be winging it for at least two nights, depending on how I figure out bus/lodging plans.

So I won't be updating this blog or visiting yours for awhile!!

I think I need to read this book. Okay, I do miss amazon.

FB :(

I still love using FB but now that I have a friends' list that is in need of some trimming and I have neither time nor gumption to do it, I'm a little more wary about posting status updates there. It's a bit sad since most of my friends don't have this blog address and I want to keep it that way. This is the place where I can think out loud without worrying too much. Well, I just wanted to have that on record.

Btw, I'm really loving the service here in HK. I can't get the drainage hole cover off my dehumidifier and since it is still covered by a 3-yr warranty, the company is sending over a service person to knock that piece of plastic out. Can't imagine this happening in the US!!! But I must say that returns and refunds are much better in the US.

exhausted again

Rough week with plenty to do but I'm more worried that I won't have the discipline to do what needs doing! Yes, I do work at the eleventh hour but this is cutting it close even for me. Here we go again!!

Fun things planned for the weekend: a proper windsurfing workshop and stand-up comedy. I should work hard so that I deserve those fun rewards.

I think I might need to go on an FB fast. Sigh.

run of the mill type of week

No drama to report, thankfully. I've been suffering from sinus allergies for the past 4 days and they aren't getting better so I'm a bit bummed. Went to an acupuncturist yesterday and it helped for a few hours but it got bad again just as I was trying to fall asleep and it was pretty bad this morning. I think it could be due to the pollution and I had a physically strenuous weekend so my immune system was probably a little compromised.

I went sea kayaking and windsurfing on Sat afternoon with a group from church--a few I had met before but they were mostly strangers--and then I played badminton that night as well as Sun night. My form wasn't at all good during windsurfing because I had no idea what I was supposed to do. The church friends who were teaching us adopted the get-up-and-go teaching technique and they didn't expect me to be able to get up and go in the first place much less go as far as I did. By the time I needed instructions for the step after "pull up the sail and hold on," I was already too far away to hear what they were shouting at me.

Well, my back was super sore from my bad form but I loved the experience so much I'm going to sign up for a proper workshop. The feel of skimming over the waves was unbelievable. And unlike skiing or snowboarding, making a mistake and falling over isn't punishing! You just fall into the water, that's all, you don't hit your head on hard packed ice or risk breaking a knee or falling of a cliff.

I spent last night refreshing FB for badminton scores my friends were posting. M'sia beat Denmark 3-2!! Everyone was on the edge of their seats incl me even though I couldn't see any of the action. That was tiring so I'm hoping someone with a webcam will be able to skype me into the TV action for the finals. Unfortunately, I'll be at church home group on Fri night when M'sia plays China in the semi's. BUT M'SIA HAS TO WIN AND GO ON TO THE FINALS!!!!

a little more clarity

(Continuation of thoughts from previous post.)

This season of life, I need to learn to take risks. When I was deciding about this job, I remember that I began to feel emotionally ready to make the move when the chair of the dept said over email that I should learn to take risks when I'm young. No American would've said it but it was something that moved me. And last night, during small group prayer at home church, the notion of taking risks really came to the fore for me.

So we'll see how things go. :)

decisions

I've been thinking about vocation for a long time and I've thought for a few months now that my time in here will be significant and I've finally figured out why. In some ways, I have a very strong personality and to some people at least, I come across as confident, talented, and decisive. Some who know me well will at least know that I may not always be as confident or decisive as I may seem. On the one hand, I respond very aggressively when threatened--at least I may feel threatened, others may not think they are threatening me--but being "aggressive" is not the same as being confident or sure of one's self.

I say this because even though sometimes I'm very clear about what I like or don't like--"No, I can't meet up with you tonight because I'm tired" or "No, I don't like to go to clubs, so you guys go have fun without me"--a part of me is still too much of a people-pleaser. I suspect this is why I'm in the field I'm in right now.

College was such a great time because I started learning well for the first time in my life (no thanks to the M'sian education system). I enjoyed my lessons and I excelled at them. I went on to grad school not knowing if I wanted to be an academic because my relationships with my teachers were so good. I stumbled most of my way through grad school because I didn't feel as nurtured and I didn't feel like I succeeded. Well, I lucked out and got into a postdoc program where I felt nurtured again and therefore felt like I was succeeding in my chosen profession! It is true that we all need feedback and we all need guidance and mentoring. But is that a good enough reason to keep working at it? I don't know.

To some degree, I walked through doors because they were open and it seemed reasonable to do so at the time and that is fine. But I feel so helpless in it all. Are my current employers going to offer me a contract renewal? If they don't, will someone else do so? My life seems very much in someone else's hands. And yes, I recognize God's hand in all of this. But his hand often seems so invisible. I've felt "fine" about my work only when I received affirmation from people in authority over me, and they happened to be smart, successful, caring, and wise women. But I can be a smart, successful, caring, and wise woman too without being in this line of work.

I don't know. I'm confused. But I will be praying for clarity. This period in my life will be "experimental" as in "let's see if I can do XYZ and be successful at it." Even if I decide at the end of this season of my life that I want to keep doing what I do, this time of careful searching will be valuable and necessary. (I hope.)

learning new things

What I love most about my life is the many different personalities that come in and out of my life. Not everyone hangs around for a long time and I've come to terms with that. I like friends who stick around for life but if someone is going to drop out of my life for a period, that's fine too. I just hope that I keep meeting new people who have vastly different life stories and/or personalities. The latter can be difficult sometimes but it does make life more fun.

Take this guy Col from my Sun night badminton group, for example. He's introduced a couple of us to another group that plays on Sat in Kowloon--quite far off and inconvenient but the level of play is higher--so we went out to dinner and then took buses there and back together so I got to learn more about him.

Col is exactly the kind of guy I grew up ... well, I kept my distance from people like him, to put it mildly. He smokes, goes clubbing, probably drinks heavily, and chases typical Asian beauties with big eyes, small faces, sharp chins, and soft voices. I'm only friends with Col now because we play badminton. I mean, I hate crowds, I don't really drink, and cigarette smoke makes me cough, so there's no way I'm going to go clubbing. (Actually now that I think about it, Col sounds a lot like my old xd partner, except that Arch's appreciation for feminine beauty fell on a wider spectrum and he was much less verbal about that appreciation.)

But what was interesting this past Saturday evening was watching Col charm everyone we met, including the (male) waiter at the kebab restaurant. Col has a beautiful fiancee in Japan (he showed me her pictures on his iphone) but he still checks out pretty girls on the street (I know because he points them out to me) and acts like a little rascal any chance he can get. He's a year older than I am but Col seems like such a kid. I am learning that he can be thoughtful about certain things, like how difficult it might be for his fiancee when she moves over to HK to marry him, or how to navigate his relationship with his dad since he's being trained to take over his dad's pharmaceutical business.

So, the old z would have been scandalized--and I do jokingly threaten to tell his fiancee about his roving eye--but it really is a whole lot of fun to hang out with him. I had to clarify though, that he should not pay for my dinner when we're out together. Okay, confession, it made me feel good that he offered and insisted so strongly but it wouldn't be right. I can see how nice it would be to hang out with guys who make it a habit to pay every time they're out with girls. But no, it wouldn't be fair so I will continue to hang on to my independence!!

I've noticed that I tend to be a lot more impatient with men especially if they seem irresponsible to me. I tend to either reply with sarcasm or just avoid hanging out with them. What I'm learning in this very new friendship is that--well, to some degree at least--I need to learn to trust these kinds of men a little more than I have in the past. Little boys do grow up after all and they don't grow up because some cranky b--yatch lashes out at them.

Still, I know that I am able to do it only because we're badminton friends, and Col's decisions have very little effect on my life. Oh well, baby steps!

Lord, I believe you are calling me in all the circumstances of my life, but there are times when your hand is difficult to recognise. The calling can sometimes come in a disagreeable shape, a sickness, bereavement, betrayal, loss of a job, a bout of insecurity. It does not look like a vocation but rather an unfortunate accident, or a failure on my part. But success is what I do with my failures. Each step on the way is part of God's calling. How do I handle deep distress? (Taken from this site, thanks to Sivin's FB post.)

This prayer isn't for me right now but for a friend with whom I'm walking through a tough patch. She is dealing with difficulties that I can't imagine going through myself and honestly, I hope I never have to go through such difficulties. There is not much I can do, especially from afar, and I can't imagine what anyone can do to help her carry her burden. It's one of those "dark nights of the soul" times when it seems like nothing good can happen.

Restless, frustrated, and bored. BAH.

fun monday night, hopefully

Well, it looks like I'm going to be out all night but one for the next nine nights in a row! Another old friend is flying into town for a meeting so we'll be having dinner on Tues. But Mon night's dinner will be fun because I'm getting together a group of friends . . . . for the purpose of matchmaking! Hah! It'll be my first attempt and it'll be fun for me. :)

A couple of guys from badminton will be going--I think they're single although one is a bit young--and the girls are friends from college and grad school. So really, there is only one eligible guy as W is in his early twenties, I think, but it'll be a little less stressful with him around. The guys think I'm just trying to use up a coupon for 40% of at Ruby Tuesday and it is true, I do need to use it, but my old college friend at least knows that I'm trying to get them to meet one another. How else are folks going to meet new ppl if not through their friends, right?

Anyway, I'm not seriously matchmaking but I am hoping we'll have fun!

a little explanation

I posted Nouwen's meditation late last night so I didn't get a chance to say something about it. A friend who is also single pointed out that "the loneliness will always be there." I think it's true that having great friends and a good church community helps with the loneliness but I also appreciate the frankness that acknowledges that it is not quite "the same." It is also true that there are a lot of married people who are very lonely and I wouldn't trade being single for a bad marriage for anything!

My point is, it helps to know that yes, despite all my efforts, I won't banish all the difficult emotions surrounding life--whatever that may be--and that I don't actually need to do so. Until I read my friend's unexpected message, I was being very hard on myself because . . . . I couldn't help feeling bad sometimes. I think I'm doing everything I need to do at this point. My life is full, I am learning, I'm meeting people, and I'm doing my best to live in the present. But even when you do all these things right, sometimes, you feel lonely or sad or afraid. Feeling these emotions isn't a sign of failure! Emotions come and go and as long as our desire for God orders all our other desires . . . . well, then. There is meaning to these emotions and the desires behind them. This meditation of Nouwen's helps us be the human beings that we've been created to be and that's why it brings freedom.

oh what a relief. this is so freeing

Daily Meditation for April 21, 2010
              written by Henri Nouwen

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Ordering Our Desires

Desire is often talked about as something we ought to
overcome.  Still, being is desiring:  our bodies, our
minds, our hearts, and our souls are full of desires. 
Some are unruly, turbulent, and very distracting;
some make us think deep thoughts and see great visions;
some teach us how to love; and some keep us searching
for God.   Our desire for God is the desire that should
guide all other desires. Otherwise our bodies, minds,
hearts, and souls become one another's enemies and
our inner lives become chaotic, leading us to despair
and self-destruction.

Spiritual disciplines are not ways to eradicate all our
desires but ways to order them so that they can serve
one another and together serve God.

living in the present

I wonder why being or remaining in the present is so important to our lives. Secular counseling recommends it, for the most part, as do a lot of major spiritual traditions either explicitly or implicitly. Some of the more effective ways of dealing with stress includes pausing and taking deep breaths, and being aware of our bodies or the world around us. It sounds like bad New Age advice but I wouldn't let New Ageism claim this very useful practice for itself!! But I must say that because of the Enlightenment, the Christian tradition hasn't really explored or developed good understandings about the body. Within Christianity, ideas about temporality seem to me to be more implicit than explicit although if I can speak off the cuff without censure, I'd say that past, present and future are equally important. It may be true of other traditions as well but well, I'm more interested in thinking as a Christian. :)

Remembering the past is important because those reflections can teach us about how much God has worked. I am particularly thankful for how I've been changed in the past decade or so. And it gives me hope for the future because I know that the God who has been with me in the past will continue to work in my life (Phil 1:6). Thinking about the future is important because it helps to know that "this" is not "it."

But how do I live with the "it," i.e. the present? How do I live with the present and all its disappointments and imperfections?

It's ironic that even though I can now look back on all those difficult "present times" that are now past and call them good, and even if I know that in the future when I look back on this very moment that is the now, I will call it good . . . it's so difficult to "be happy" about this moment. This isn't to say that I'm unhappy about being here. At least I don't think so. I recognize the blessings in the now of my life--even if holding on to that recognition is like slogging through a waist-high bog.

Oh heck, I might as well come out and say it. I'm not very happy about being single at this point. There. It's out in the open. Okay. It's probably unwise to say anymore than this on a blog.

stepping out

Gave a talk for the Asia Society here last night. About 100 ppl turned up for the talk--but wait! I was just the supporting speaker. An established documentary filmmaker had a presentation on her work for the Museum of Chinese in America and I was there to provide back-up historical narratives on the subject. It was my first time speaking in front of a non-academic audience and it mostly went well. I was pretty happy with how calm I was for most of it. I learned some things about being in the spotlight, haha!

But today, I'm just exhausted and can barely work on prep work for class later this week.

I need to take this very, very seriously

       Daily Meditation for April 11, 2010
              written by Henri Nouwen

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Authority and Obedience

Authority and obedience can never be divided, with some
people having all the authority while others only have to
obey.  This separation causes authoritarian behaviour on
the one side and doormat behaviour on the other.  It
perverts authority as well as obedience.  A person with
great authority who has nobody to be obedient to is in
great spiritual danger.  A very obedient person who has
no authority over anyone is equally in danger.

Jesus spoke with great authority, but his whole life was
complete obedience to his Father, and Jesus, who said to
his Father, "Let it be as you, not I, would have it"
(Matthew 26:39), has been given all authority in heaven
and on earth (see Matthew 28:18).   Let us ask ourselves:
Do we live our authority in obedience and do we live our
obedience with authority?

scam?

I walked into a pharmacy the other day to get something and I walked by the aisle where they keep heat pads for muscle aches. Right below the heat pads were "foot detox pads." I had seen them before years ago but thought it was a scam then. I don't know what possessed me to buy a box, but I did and have been sticking them plasters at the bottom of my foot for four nights in a row now! The pads were originally created in Japan, I think, but they seem to be widely popular everywhere now. (Everywhere meaning HK, Malaysia, and the US.)

I don't know if this is a 21st C version of snake oil but I do know that I've been waking up before my alarm rings since I started using the pads! It's really weird. I usually have trouble waking up and staying awake and since getting here I've just been so sleepy all the time. But I haven't felt sleepy at all in the last four days!!! Being wide awake just reminds me of all the work that I'm not doing but I suppose this means that the pads are detoxing something, whatever that something is.

You're supposed to use the pads daily for the first two weeks and after that, once a week is fine. So I decided to stick it out for two weeks as an experiment. Maybe I'm awake now because I've been fatigued and sleepy for 3 months and my body decided that it was done being sleepy for awhile. So all this wakefulness could be coincidence.

---

Well, maybe I wrote this too soon. I had to go home and take a 30 min nap because my head hurts for no apparent reason. It's a little better now but not much better.

happy news

I'm seeing my fourth set of old friends who are passing through HK! The first friend who visited is from LA, the second and third, from M'sia (but who are now based in Singapore and Australia), and this most recent set of old friends is a special set. They are special in the sense that I've only met them once before and that was about 10 yrs ago!

These "friends" are actually the parents and extended family of my former college bookstore supervisor! I worked as a cashier at the college bookstore when I was an undergrad and became friends with the staff at the store (about four of them). B-cky, one of my supervisors, invited me to visit her dad's and stepmom's home by the lake in New Hampshire one weekend so I went along and that's where I met M_ller and G_nny (and several others of the extended family).

M_ller and G_nny, and G_nny's sister D_ris are visiting a few countries in Asia and they are here in HK for a few days to meet up with G_nny's son and family (who are based in China) so B-cky told me about it. I had dinner with them last night, took them out to dim sum this afternoon and they're off to Disneyland tomorrow. I'll prob meet up with them on Thurs but we're not sure what we're doing yet. M_ller and D_ris are 87 yrs old so we're trying not to do too much walking!!!!!

They're all very sharp and alert even if M_ller walks very slowly with a cane and has trouble hearing. I was a little apprehensive about meeting up with them at first because, well, it's been 10 years since I first met them and I was worried about keeping them entertained. But it's been so much fun hanging out with them that I'm a little sad about not going to Disneyland with them--especially since they asked me on three different occasions over two meals if I want to go. Well, I don't really want to go Disneyland and I do have to write up my lecture for class this Friday but it would've been nice to see them more.

Moments like these remind me of how rich my life has been and how rich it has continued to be.

PS - I leave out a letter in names so that they don't come up in Google (even though in my settings I've disabled the search function--yes, I'm paranoid) but I want to use their real names so that I can remember them when I look back at this blog in the future! In past posts, I made up nicknames for people but then realized that I have no idea who they really are now!!!