back home, phew

Had a lovely time in the UK but was getting tired of living out of a suitcase by the end. My apt now looks like a bomb has hit it with my bags half unpacked, clean laundry strewn on the window seat, books and papers all over my table, and everything's just dusty!!! I'm in the office now getting a few things done but will leave soon to get groceries and then unpack and clean this afternoon.

I just love seeing old friends again, I really do. The conference went alright, and so did the archives. But the highlights of the trip were good conversations and good company.

I feel like I'm still in a fog as far as my work is concerned. I seem to have lost the ability and motivation to focus on my goals and head toward them. That said, I have picked up a number of skills along the way, and hopefully those skills are slowly becoming second-nature so I don't always have to slog quite so hard to get things done.

Now, if only the jet-lag would go away! I'd like to feel energetic enough to go back to the gym!

Traveling is inconvenient and I especially hate airports. But it does keep me humble! The world is so vast and its cultures really so diverse, who is to say that any one of us really understands the way the world works?

Kew Garden

The archives are cold. I haven't found anything useful for my current project but I think I have a couple of things for the next project (still in its infancy). I'm also not sure I am looking in the right places here. I have a student RA tracking a few items down and they're available in libraries in London, where I'll be in a few days. After saying goodbye to 3rd aunt, cousin and cousin's kids in St Albans, I felt strangely homesick--strange because I don't see this side of the family a whole lot!! There are two female researchers from Japan in my B&B so it's nice to talk to them in the mornings. Unfortunately, I am no longer jet-lagged. This means I'm starting to sleep later and later and wake up later and later too.

Paris III

I had a total of two breakfasts and lunches in Paris. Skipped dinners because I was too full from lunch. Third day, I went to the Sacre Coeur, the Butte of Montmartre, Haussmann, Moulin Rouge (disappointing because small), and then I ended up in the 18th Arrondissement, which looked like it was an immigrant enclave of the city. It was a great trip and now I understand why one of my friends from church would like to live and work in Paris for a couple of years. I would too!

Paris II

Went to a farmer's market, had a croissant and 4 fresh figs for breakfast. Then to the Pantheon, Notre Dame, Latin Quarter, Place d'Italie, Musee d'Orsay, boat tour of the Seine, and the Eiffel Tower. I know my legs are still attached to my body because they hurt. A lot.

Paris I

Arrived at about noon, walked from Concorde to the Marais, around the Marais then the Louvre and finally to the Tour Montparnasse, and finally let before dark because my feet, ankles, hips, and shoulders were in pain. Now I I know why my friends love Paris!!

insomnia explained?

So last night's decision was pretty major and I'm happy with it. I probably got only about 4 hrs of sleep after all the tossing and turning but am feeling pretty good this morning. As most of my friends and loved ones point out, stress is a major cause of insomnia and I've noticed that certain things--office politics and job insecurities among them--trigger especially virulent bouts of insomnia. Last night's was terrible but I realize that I worked through a few things in the process. Perhaps this was one of my "dark nights of the soul"? It's not wise to post about the major issue I worked through but I can talk about some of it!

I think I've said this before in previous posts, and I wish I had the sense to tag those posts, but every good thing I've had since starting grad school has come from the Lord. (I'm sure that is true of life before grad school too but right now I can't remember that far back!) I have not played a major role in obtaining the great blessings in my work life: the postdoc at UCLA; my job here at HKU (yes, it's stressful but it's still been a blessing); being invited to be part of the editorial board of a small, new journal (I have no idea who they are so they certainly don't know me); being asked to be a reviewer at a journal (how did they find me too??); and the recent GRF (my grant proposal was super messy and not very clear now that I look back on it). All these things are important little steps in my journey and I did nothing to deserve them. I'm sure there are many other blessings too but these are the ones that mean the most to me right now.

I've been made to slog very hard for the one journal pub I have, and I will have to slog very hard over the next pub in the pipeline, so while they are also blessings, man, I have to earn these ones. Teaching has also been a blessing for which I've had to work hard. I recently found out that my teaching evaluation scores for the most recent semester were slight above the dept average in all areas. Personally, the stats don't matter to me as much as the written comments--I haven't seen the ones for the most recent semester--but I know the numbers will matter when I go through my annual review meeting early next week. So, for this, I am very thankful too.

I am sorry if I grumble too much and I am trying to be more thankful. I am especially thankful for friends who don't give up on me!! Prayer has been dry for a very long time and I haven't had the "feel good" spiritual highs for awhile. But God does give wisdom to those who ask for it. That is irrefutable.

Update
Despite the lack of sleep, I've had a very alert and productive day, woohoo!!

you heard it here first

If I don't get another academic job by June 2013, I'm giving up on academia. The stresses associated with the job is just not worth it. It's hard enough to do good work but the politics that come with it are a further drag on one's general well-being.

try and try again

Late last week, I decided that I was not going to let anxiety and uncertainty take away the joy of having a job this year. Going back on the job market isn't any fun and my anxiety levels get doubled on bad days. Everything I have has been given to me and yet it worries me. Or perhaps it worries me because I have no control over these things. Is it my imagination, or was faith easier when I was younger? Did I struggle as much then too and I'm misremembering now? Do I get more anxious with age?

I may never know, so I'll just keep plodding on and on the days when faith comes easily, I will be thankful. :)

James 1:2-4
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, wherever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking in anything.

news and violence

Riots and looting in London. Famine in East Africa. Syria still troubled. Europe and US economies tanking again. Can the news get any worse?

video chat

I've never liked to use webcams, mostly because I only had it on my laptop at home and not in my office. The laptop webcam shows how messy my apt is!! I just got a webcam for the office so that I can work with a friend on the East Coast of the US, and luckily, it shows the shelves behind me, and not my messy table. Working with Friend S (twice now) has been really useful! I hope we can keep this going because I have so much to get done.

I really wonder if my trouble with sleeping well at night is psychological or if there is something wrong with me! I've grumbled enough about it on this blog but I also remember college and high school friends making fun of how tired I was during the day even back then.....so the problem really isn't new.

Well, went to a traditional Chinese medicine (TCM) doctor last Sat and have been brewing and drinking the really horrible-tasting herbal medicine for two days now. Two more days to go, I hope I can hold the medicine down. At first it was bad but bearable. Now, it's just horrible horrible horrible.

Tomorrow, I'll be trying out for a dodge ball team someone from my church is putting together. I've never played it before but it looks fun and I like playing on teams. I also thought this would be a good way to meet more Christian guys. From the Cc list on the email, it looks like a lot of other women had the same idea. I won't be irritated if they happen to be good at the game, but if they're going to be the kind of women who are fragile and need to be protected......ugh.

We'll see if I take to the game or not!!

procrastination again

Where has July gone??? Where has July gone???? How did time fly by so quickly??? Why do I have so little done???? I need to get an alarm clock that wakes me up and KEEPS me awake.

Oh Lord, I need your redeeming grace.

headache

Not feeling great but not sure what's the cause. July is already passing by so quickly!! I am not working well even though I know I need all the time I have to get things done. Oh boy!!!

After getting back from my trip to the US, I've been on a junk boat trip--courtesy of a church friend who got to use her law firm's boat--and the bersih rally here in HK. I waited and waited for someone else to organize it then I got tired of waiting and did it myself. We had over 70 people for the event, and I was inspired by the people who took the time to come out for it. The HK police were wonderfully courteous and obliging despite the fact that we did not have a permit. You need one in HK if there are more than 30 people but because we didn't expect 30 people to come, we didn't apply for one. Hopefully, we can keep the momentum going and get people to vote in the next elections!

I'm still always tired and not sure why.

On another note, I bought a lomo camera through Groupon for HKD99, and here it is after I assembled it! This is a Recesky TLR, a Gakkenflex clone. It arrived the day before the Bersih rally so I ordered mine in yellow. It took me about two hours to assemble the camera because I spent close to an hour figuring out how to fix the second spring on the shutter. I felt really dumb when I finally figured it out because it was so easy but hey, at least I didn't break anything! Also, I have 2 screws leftover.....but luckily, everything seems to have fit together so I'm hanging on to the screws just in case I have to take the camera apart and put it back together again.

I've just sent my first roll of film to be developed and I won't get it back until this evening, so fingers crossed the pictures came out!!!! This is going to be a fun new hobby, I hope.

Update

Most of the pics turned out underexposed. Sigh. Googled for solutions and at least one other person had the same person--best to take pics outside during the day, otherwise it just doesn't get enough light. This week is rainy and cloudy so will wait for sunny times to try again. 

TMI, maybe

This is how I feel about being single now. Sigh.

Jet lag

Got back from a 3-week trip to the East Coast, and I had such a great time! The conference was boring and Boston where the conference was was mostly boring because I only knew one person there, but the rest of my time was a lot of fun! I got to catch up with a lot of my old friends and it was so good to see them. I think I've come to the unavoidable conclusion that "Artist" is right. I am a very social being--who is also an introvert!

But I was also ready to come back to HK by the end of my trip! I'm now trying to get over jet-lag and hopefully get back to work soon.I'm still struggling to see how work fits in with the rest of life. When I met up with the friends who are in my field, they all complained about the pressures of our line of work and everyone had alternative career dreams. Mine is to open and run a doggy daycare center. I'd be paid to play with dogs all day long! (It would be fun until my allergies kick in, but that's why fantasies are so much fun--you get to do what you can't do in real life.)

the next few weeks will be chaos

Been tired recently, mostly because I was grading all of last week. Just thinking about grading makes my head hurt. This week, I'm trying to do as much as possible to meet some deadlines and have fun too. Yes, I'm greedy. An old friend from Ithaca visited for a night because she was in town to renew her visa for Taiwan and we had fun. Having visitors does mean work, i.e. cleaning the apt a bit but I do enjoy having visitors.

Will watch Pirates 4 this Thursday (oh, Johnny Depp) and will be playing badminton three nights this week. I really hope I get my work done to meet my deadline next week!!!

:)

Well, the week started off with a contentious meeting at the faculty level. It was draining but it wasn't so bad, mostly because friends have been holding me in the light recently. Also, I think I'm getting a little better at thinking about work as being part of "kingdom work." This is part of current Christian lingo that means recognizing how when we work, we join in work that God is already doing. I like this way of thinking of work because we are not responsible for doing God's work for him.....we merely jump in every time we recognize that it is part of his work. What we do does not begin from us and our puny little selves but is a part of centuries' worth of slow, sacred work.

Kingdom work also refers to all types of work and not just our traditional understanding of what "missionaries" do. So for example, when I am able to teach my students how to read with complexity and craft complex arguments with clarity, that is a part of kingdom work too because such skills are important to being like Christ. Reading texts is an important skill to have not only when we come to the word of God, it teaches us to be listeners when we are in conversations as well. That allows us to be in relationship with others in gentleness, humility, and kindness. (Sometimes, not all the time!)

When I lose perspective (see post below) and forget that God is at work, then I become angry, pessimistic, and depressed. This week, I decided to practice looking for the many ways in which God is already at work. It's been two days and I think it's a helpful way of orienting one's self to the world. Yesterday's hostilities at work would have affected me much more deeply; I am able to be thankful for everything that did happen even if decisions did not work out the way we would have liked them to. We'll see what else comes up this week!!

The next twelve months will be psychologically stressful for me because I will have to apply for a more permanent position here. I will need to remind myself constantly and frequently that all that we do is kingdom work!!! Every time I think I've started to get a hang of something, I get a great big test and find out just how much I have to rely on grace.

certainty

Today, I heard news that someone I respect, a young scholar, had been denied tenure at his institution despite his publications, teaching track record, and service work (sitting on committees within his institution). This was shocking as the person is super-smart, articulate, and has the required publications. He emailed back to say that his department has been 100% supportive (difficult to come by and amazing that it did), the awful decision came from the deans (unusual for the institution) and that he will land on his feet. He didn't provide more details but I hope this means that things will work out somehow.

Again, I've been reminded at how unfair the world can be, and how people who deserve rewards will not always get them, and vice-versa. I'm also struck by how deluded some people are, and how they believe that they are so much smarter than everyone else. Such confidence is strange, and sometimes I wonder if I'm stupid because I don't see their brilliance. Sometimes, it's hard to believe that God is at work, redeeming a broken world in the here and now.

Days like these, I wonder again if I am in the right vocation.

Sigh. The air is so bad that it's been two days since I've been able to see the IFC tower from my window. Part of it is due to fog, I think, but a large part of it is due to air pollution. 

fantasies

When I was a teenager, I thought that I would have everything figured out by my twenties. When I was in my twenties, I thought, no, I don't have everything figured out but I will when I hit my thirties. I am now in my early thirties, and the world has never seemed more complicated, frightening, and tiresome.

My colleague got married yesterday, and I was the only one from the dept who was invited to attend the small ceremony and party. I was glad I could be there to offer my best wishes to the couple but I admit, I was also not going to tell anyone else from my dept that I was going to be there!

In light of the many awful things that go on in our world, this counts for very little. But it is also striking that even a simple gesture of offering one's blessings is so fraught in our very broken world.

(Was it an awkward kind of wedding anyway? Yes, but that is another story.)

back from Huangshan

Wonderful trip. Many thoughts. One of my friends had a persistent, dry cough the entire trip. My throat now feels scratchy and I have the occasional cough. Making garlic-ginger tea now. Hope it'll help because it certainly sounds weird enough.

My favorite pic from the trip.

What would it mean to bring blessings and not curses? This is so very difficult at times in my workplace, mostly because of how mean and small I can be.

cool!

Through one of my badminton friends, I met a police officer who works in the financial crime division. He arrests money launderers!!

hello, monday

I have a great life but I can't wait for the world to end. O, come Lord Jesus, come.

Fifth Week of Lent - April 14, 2011
 
Jesus said,' If I were to seek my own glory that would be no glory at all; my glory
is conferred by the Father'. (John 8)
 
A grateful life is one in which we receive our gifts from God and then lift them
 up, trusting that they will multiply. That's what Jesus did.
- Henri J. M. Nouwen

feeling overwhelmed

Maybe I'm now coming down from the high that was the beginning of the week. Strangely, this translates into a lot of angst and hand-wringing on my part that would confuse and exasperate some of my academic friends and mentors. My spiritual friends? Well, I'm afraid to talk about this with anyone right now so I wouldn't know! I see how I'm being silly and small but I can't help myself.

What to do? What to do?

---

So I g-chatted with a friend from my church home group, and I do feel a little better. This problem seems to keep coming back again and again. I always feel like I'm not good enough and not smart enough. Reminding myself of the parable of the prodigal son and the elder brother (I'm the elder brother who does not remember that all the father has is mine) hasn't helped so far.

Jeremiah 10: 23-24

 ²³ LORD, I know that people’s lives are not their own;
   it is not for them to direct their steps.
²⁴ Discipline me, LORD, but only in due measure—
   not in your anger,
   or you will reduce me to nothing.

many thoughts

The week has gotten off to an amazing start. An old academic friend/mentor flew over from Shanghai to give a lecture for my dept and I spent time with her the last two nights. We ended up talking quite late both nights and then early this morning, I attended a prayer meeting for the university. I have heard so much that I am a little bit stunned. I don't know how to process all this. It's very exciting, of course, and it makes my world a whole lot bigger but more complicated.

I am in awe of how much I have in my life. I have met so many generous, inspiring people. I'm not sure I know how to respond at this point.

The late nights of talk and the early morning meeting are taking their toll. I think I'm going to go home and take a nap, and hopefully, I will be able to read after the lunch.

fun, fun, fun....

I've had a fantastic weekend. Worked for part of Saturday, then met a new badminton group that is pretty good. After our three-hour session, we tried a new Thai restaurant with my XD partner, R, for the mini-competition at HKU next weekend. Fabulous red curry duck! Found out that R, a novelist in residency at the university, was Khairy Jamaluddin's college roommate!! Heard some gossip about KJ. Sunday, had breakfast with my cousin and her husband (visiting from Singapore), then church (boring sermon, sorry). After church, had lunch with a few church friends who also taught me to play bridge (addictive!). Rushed home for a quick session in the sauna (thought I was getting a bit sniffly, feel fine today, thanks to the sauna!!) before heading out to a dinner with HK's wing chun association (in honor of the very much dead founder, Ip Man). Got home, showered, rolled into bed.

I have a full life, I'm meeting really nice people, I have a few good friends with whom I can talk honestly, and I am getting a lot of regular, very fun, exercise.

Am I ungrateful for missing my old friends who are scattered all over the world?

warm-up fast #2

1. I don't feel closer to God this time around and it doesn't help when you have a very busy day at work. Fasting didn't help me focus on God because I was running around too much. It didn't help my work either because every time I had a free moment, instead of thinking about the ideas I need to work on, I think about food and then think about how I shouldn't think about food. But I suppose people who have to go without food don't have the luxury of choice.

2. I wonder if it will be easier to fast when classes are no longer in session. I get grumpy when hungry and it is a lot harder to interact with students then.

3. Fasting really isn't fun. Spiritual disciplines are not "fun." This doesn't mean that everything that draws us closer to God should make us miserable. That would be an unhealthy view of a God who loves and draws close to us. But fasting as a spiritual discipline is not "fun" because it reminds us of the brokenness of a world where some people go hungry.

4. After I've stopped fasting, I start to feel afraid when I feel hungry again--even if I know that I can eat if I want to eat then. Imagine, then, the fear of those who cannot always satisfy their hunger as a matter of course.

baddy

Played with a new group last night and had a fabulous time. They were mostly older men who were still accurate enough to make the games interesting, and a few men in their early forties who were fast and strong, so I was pushed more than I usually am at my Sunday group. I really need to find a new group for Sunday evenings! I need to get more used to losing, haha!

Last night, I had a 60% success rate which is not what I'm used to but I also learned a lot. After playing regularly with a group of people, reading their next shot becomes an unconscious act. But when you play with new folks, it's almost as if you've lost an eye you didn't know you had, and learning to cope with the ensuing nerves is a good skill to have. Moreover, when you play with people at your level and higher, you really have to be patient and pace yourself. Trying to kill the rally too fast under those conditions only means losing the rally. I'm also working on playing more aggressively. My drops and net play are usually fine so now I need to work on power shots to vary my game.

My shoulder still doesn't feel normal but I suppose my body just has to find a way to adjust to it. Sigh.

fasting

For the first time in my life, I will fast from food. I've gone on FB fasts before and they're not easy. But food fasts are different and after Day 1, I've already learned a few lessons.

1. As most people acknowledge, hunger pangs can remind you to focus more on one's spiritual condition. This is true and it is useful.

2. To not be able to eat when one is hungry left me feeling helpless, afraid, and a little angry. Today was just a warm-up fast (missed lunch) so I wasn't terribly hungry for very long, and feeling hungry on the days I teach is not unusual because I usually only eat after my classes are over. But I can imagine how someone who goes hungry for long periods of time might be emotionally and psychologically affected by it. And I assume it would affect one's judgment too.

3. If you break your fast with a normal meal, i.e. no more than you would usually eat, you still feel hungry! This was a surprise to me. Okay, so this could be peculiar to me since I usually feel hungry even after a regular meal on regular days. But....maybe I expected to feel full because I was fasting. If people who are undernourished don't feel full even after they've broken their fasts--and they probably have less than I usually do--then....what does that do to their sense of self and where they are in this world?

4. I'm afraid to exercise this evening because I'm afraid I might black out (partly because I donated blood yesterday too). But people who go hungry don't have a choice over how much labor they do. And exercise is totally fun for me.

I'm usually hungry two hours after I eat every day of the week anyway, but the hunger that fasting causes is different from that other kind of hunger. I'm just fixated on food, that's what I am.