new normal

Two weeks after I get back, stress levels are higher than I expected. Are the after-effects of a vacation so short-lived? Or should I change careers?

I do tend to be more suspicious of people when I'm stressed, so I need to watch out for that.

Finally, resolutions

Cliched, but necessary this year: to trust and honor God at work.

This means I give him my anxieties even as I do my best to be disciplined and focused. This means that the thoughts I think are directed at Him and others in love. 

And of course, hours after I make this resolution, I am tempted to give it up. Why are academics so weird?

runneth and runneth

God has always brought the right friends to my rescue. No one friend can always be there for me in all situations. But God always, always brings the right one to speak the right word. Jehovah Jireh.

Shout out to Mar and Karen for providing human connections this morning as I open The File again after vacation.

so far so good

Good news in the family.

Rest, and renewal of old friendships. I learn so much from talking to my old friends, and learning about their lives, loves, and challenges. I must remind myself to make time to meet with people.

Came back to a hassle-free mandatory window inspection (no repairs necessary, only 600$!).

Visited my dermatologist who said I'll probably only need to be on Accutane for three months.


2016 is starting off very, very well. Praise God. The upcoming year may turn out to be hard, but it's great to start off well, and to be reminded that our God is a very, very good God.

Dad

My father and his mother often buy the lotto, especially when something significant happens or if an event occurs. Today, he told me that he bought 0505, the number of the hotel room in which we stayed over the weekend. Unfortunately, the first prize was 2008, the number of my sister's hotel room.

My father's stories are always stories of  missed opportunities.

Maternal grandad

Tua ee said that ah kong was a traditional Chinese man who was stern and silent, especially with his children. But he loved his wife and cared for her. Once, tua ee was reading her books to prepare for her high school exams next to ah mah, and didn't realize that ah mah had fainted ("beh jin lang"). She thought ah mah was asleep. Ah kong came into the room, saw what had happened, then grabbed tua ee's book and flung it across the room, saying, "someone's about to die, why are you still reading?!" (Lang ai si liao ko thak hami chek?!)

He rented rooms in various houses around Taiping for his growing family before finally building his own home out of scrap wood (discarded pieces and edges after trees were cut into straight planks), but was forced to take down his house and move to a New Village called Pokok Assam during the Emergency. Tua ee was five then. Most of the house still stands there today although tua ku has renovated parts of it since.

Since there were so many children, they all took turns to eat and tua ee and tua ku were careful to take only a little of the dishes so the younger children had some to eat too.

Tua ee once took a few of the younger children out to a nearby Hindu temple during a festival, and along with other merry makers, picked up pieces of coconut when they were thrown to the ground to bring home to eat. But when they got back ah mah pinched her thigh because she took the other children out to play. She's still miffed.

Once, in a confrontation with a younger sister's husband who had beaten her until she had to be sent to the hospital, tua ee had to be held back from punching the guy by tua tiau. (Apparently, just a few months earlier, tua ku had been transferred from his school because he punched the headmaster and tua tiau didn't want his wife to be transferred from her school.)

Whenever tua ee is accosted by estranged spouses or their families around town, they would complain to her about this or that and ask tua ee to say something on their behalf. Tua ee would calmly smile and nod and say yes, but never said a word to her younger sisters or their families.

Once, during my parents' younger days, my dad called tua ee to complain about my mom, and tua ee told him, "my sister is not round. She's shaped like a square, so she has edges. She can't fit into your life without poking you." After that, he never called her with his complaints.

Memories

Tua ee, who is 79 this year, said that I was an easy kid to have around. When I visited, I sat quietly with a book and didn't make a peep. She has a set of children's encyclopedias in her home and apparently I was the only one who read them out of all her children and grandchildren.

She also said that the best place in Taiping to buy fabric to make clothes was my grandfather's shop.

Ugh

Was laying on the living room floor watching tv with mom when I thought a bug crawled up my back, and I sat up and tried to catch whatever was wriggling under my tee shirt. For a second I almost screamed because I thought I saw a gecko jump out of the neck of my shirt.

It turned out to be a centipede, but my mom didn't believe me. So we moved the sofa and there it was.....I found one of its legs on my back.

NYE KL

"May you and I be challenged to trust God more, to believe Him better, and to know Him deeper.  His heart is good, His love is pure, His plans are magnificent.  Whether we feel it or not, it doesn’t cease to be true."

Christmas

I should take pictures of all the cards I have gotten and keep them in one place. There will be days when I will need them to remind myself that all of this is worth it.

It's a little early to be reflecting on the end of the year, and I'm sure I'll do more of that later. But I just want to say that as tired and overwhelmed as I feel right now--and MORE to do before and after Christmas!!--I am so thankful for everything I've learned in the last few months. I am also very thankful for friends who have been there for me, and who have listened to me talk, talk, talk about things that matter and things that don't. The next time I'm down in the valley, do remind me that I have often found life to be so amazing. (Notice, I'm not saying that life is ever easy. Hah. I've long set aside that illusion.)

I'm so thankful for the conference Timothy organized for our school, and for inviting me to participate in it. I was very glad to be on the second panel of the first day of the conference. I wasn't among the first to start, but I would still finish early too! That said, the first panel was full of white philosophers talking about white philosophers and I was on a panel of white speakers speaking mostly about visual art. And there I was talking about why race still mattered. Talk about hostile and alienating. I thought I wouldn't get a single question from the audience.

But God bless the other speakers in the audience who do know what it means to be gendered and racialized, especially Nicole, a more senior academic. There was so much generosity in the room, and even the philosophers (all white) made it a point to compliment me and to engage me in conversation. Interdisciplinary work is hard.

So, many many blessings in so many areas of my life.

But it doesn't change the fact that I'm extremely tired now and I still have so much to do. Poor Timothy who has been juggling so many balls, and has been so kind and generous, must be burned out. Luckily, he has a lot of vacation time coming up soon, and he deserve it. I have some time off, but not a whole lot, which is fine. I know what I want for Christmas, and it is not vacation time......

I still feel anxious about work, and I have to keep reminding myself to trust God, trust His provision, and trust in His timing. Without God, I cannot.

Memories

My maternal grandmother didn't have much money because she spent her life working in the home. But she always tried to give me gifts even if it was a couple of handkerchiefs she bought at the wet market behind the house.

I received this souvenir from Brugge. It's not the kind of thing that I would have bought myself but it reminds me that God has always sent people into my life who love me. Kaz and Carm are part of how God softens my heart because we are so different in personalities and gifts. How did we become friends?

post-teaching fun

Hiked to the peak and dinner with the faculty fellowship. So thankful for brothers and sisters on campus. I can't believe Harry and Ora will retire at the end of the year.

Dec again

It's cold, gray, and we're grading. 'Nuff said.

I'm sure December isn't our busiest month of the year, but it always feels that way. Maybe it's because I just want to rest and feel Christmassy. But here we are, facing down deadlines....

I don't usually miss being in the US, but today I do, and very, very much. I miss my friends there even if everyone now lives all across the US.

HK Open 2015

When friends visit

Top hits

At the end of another week....

Emotions are a gauge, not a guide. -- part of today's sermon on happiness (based on the sermon on the mount)

I tried making an apple tart. I'm surprised it's edible. I should practice the crust and make savory galettes.

Sunday

humanness

A badminton group is like the church: full of broken people. Over the last seven days, one guy yelled at me for something really minor on court (he was wrong), another was a jerk and smashed an easy shot into someone else's back, a third person took a joke too far and disregarded another guy's feelings, and one of my coach's student was rude and obstinate and my coach exploded at him on court. That's a lot of drama for a week, haha.

The club leaders know that I am really angry because That Guy has done it before to me, and other girls in the group refuse to play with him and I will now too. Of course, the other girls are more subtle about it, but subtlety is not my name. That Guy is so off my list and I am never playing with him again. I'm sure my club leaders won't be happy about that but that's how I feel about it.

My coach's student is really weird and I understand why my coach exploded because he's just had it with how that student doesn't listen (to anyone) and blames all his mistakes on everyone else but himself. The Jerk isn't really a jerk, and I told the guy he pissed off to let it go this once. Third Person really hurt someone's feelings, but I think they should be able to work it out eventually. Seriously though.....people should just be nice to everyone. I mean, this is supposed to be fun, right? And who said women are more sensitive? Sheeeeyt.

unbelievable

I am having an "Are you STOOOPID????!!!" moment at work. Of course, sometimes I am stupid too, and write dumb things that need to be revised. But this kind of frustration is the kind of frustration you get with people who are supposed to know better but ask me questions as if they never graduated high school.

People don't just parent children, folks. People parent grown adults who should know better. There's a reason why the phrase "shit for brains" exists. Seriously.

Alright, I know I need to pause and pray. But I just really had to get that out there.

Old friends

Batesies in town. Loving it!

Back in church

What is my stone of remembrance? What has God done in my life?

(HK edition, of course.)

Terracotta diffuser

I finally found one and it was only 10 HKD! Too bad it's heart shaped.

Oct 6

Faculty and staff held a silent protest against Beijing's interference with academic freedom. Thankful for my head of school for taking the lead, for my mentor and senior colleagues for taking a stand, and the bravery of fellow junior faculty, staff, and students. I have much to learn about courage, humility, and gentleness from my betters.

Again

This is another season of faith. Can I surrender? What would it mean to trust God with the outcome? What do I keep in my schedule and what do I let go? Can I work harder? Does trusting God mean trying like crazy? How do I manage my time and energy?

I pray for faith to know and believe without doubts this year that God is good regardless of what happens. I pray for wisdom and strength to make good choices. By myself, I cannot.

my crazy weekend

My previous GP once told me, "You can't be disciplined all the time. You need to do crazy things once in awhile.....or you'll become like the British!" It's a joke, of course, but the idea is that we can't always be completely disciplined or we'll become repressed. So, I had a crazy weekend.

It consisted of buying groceries, folding laundry, mopping the floor, and cooking on Saturday in the morning, then napping and TV in the afternoon, then badminton and dinner after badminton. Sunday was even crazier. I skipped church. Napped and watched TV until 5pm at which point I went out to Mongkok to buy new barefoot-style sandals--and bought a pair for mom too--then a too-expensive hotpot dinner with Elm and Ram. We talked until 12am, which meant I only got to go to bed at 2am.

Yeah, this is craziness to me.

But it was fun hanging out and talking for so long. I felt like I was in college again.

Now, I really need to get back on track. How can I be sleep deprived when I stored up so much sleep?

Work

....is so hard. Seriously, this is a tough job.

I can't focus.

I need to focus.

I need to write.

Help......

new sports

I decided to join my church's dragon boat team because so many of my friends are addicted to the sport, and went to a social paddle on Sunday. I was convinced I would hate it, but it turned out to be pretty fun and it's nice to be out on the water. I'm sure I won't think it's so fun once it starts getting cold but hopefully there won't be too many cold days.

My legs were completely exhausted after two hours, and the day after, my butt felt like it had been flogged. But I think I already made a few new friends, and we're planning on going camping together in a couple of weeks. That's a win in my book!

I told May that this means I have to rearrange my badminton schedule and cut down on badminton. She said, "Finally!"

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