face turned to the sun

second coaster of the series

the gift of time

I woke up at 6:21am this morning. This hasn't been so unusual since I started using the "brainwave tuner" app before bed. My alternative doc recommended it--he knew I had insomnia even w/o my saying anything about it--and they lent me a magnet contraption that channels the brainwaves to my head. (Yes, you can just listen to it on your tablet/phone, but you need to listen to it for at least 30 minutes.) I've been falling asleep without melatonin since I started using this app! And, I sometimes wake up about an hour before my alarm rings.

Anyway, the point of the story is that I had time to take a leisurely shower and then sat on my couch and listened to my youtube playlist before heading to work. I feel terrible for not hurrying, and for not using every extra minute I gained by waking up at 6:21am. Why is it so hard for me to enjoy the gift of time? Today is the last day of class, and I don't have a whole lot of prep work to do, so why hurry hurry hurry? Moreover, I'm a little sick and tired of the academic year now. I really want a break.

All my friends are also sick and tired of teaching. Students don't care, and here in HK, you can't even downgrade them for missing classes, and the majority of students only care about their grade, not knowledge. I want a bit of time away from all this. Well, classes end tomorrow, and then students have some time to work on their finals. I'll have a lot of grading to do in May, and then I can say goodbye to this part of my work for the summer. I can't wait, I really can't wait. And I'm pretty sure I'll need alcohol to get through the grading.

This turned into a rant. But originally, I wanted it to be an observation about how guilty I feel when I'm not rushing about. I'd like to feel energetic, but also relaxed. I'm usually either energetic and stressed, or tired and slow and stressed. I'd like to be full of get up and go, but I'd also like to be fully aware that our God is the Author of Time. He has not only designed me to work, but also given me the right amount of time to get that work done.

what to do what to do

Saturday April 21, 2012
Ordering Our Desires

Desire is often talked about as something we ought to overcome. Still, being is
desiring: our bodies, our minds, our hearts, and our souls are full of desires.
Some are unruly, turbulent, and very distracting; some make us think deep thoughts and see great visions; some teach us how to love; and some keep us searching for God. Our desire for God is the desire that should guide all other desires. Otherwise our bodies, minds, hearts, and souls become one another's enemies and our inner lives become chaotic, leading us to despair and self-destruction. Spiritual disciplines are not ways to eradicate all our desires but ways to order them so that they can serve one another and together serve God.

- Henri J. M. Nouwen

???

I'm glad I don't have to see anyone today. I feel like I've become an even more horrible person. I feel like strangling my TA because of a suggestion he made. I won't reply until tomorrow so that I won't send him a WTF email. I like being able to sequester myself, especially on rainy days and on days when I have awful thoughts in my head. But boy, I hope I become a better person, and soon.

Update

This irritability may be due to the moratorium on exercise (knees are fine now, but doc wants to get through problems in my back and neck), but if I'm still this irritable even after I get to work out again, I think I need a therapist.

cool coasters

My church is starting a sermon series on working out our faith, and they're giving away one coaster with a Bible verse on it every week of the sermon series. I love how creative they are!

ouch

I sliced my finger open while struggling with the packaging of the set of magnets I bought in Osaka.

Arima, Osaka, Kyoto

I had a wonderful time in Japan! The conference also went well, but I'm still recovering from the trip. So much to see and so little time. More pictures and stories in my web album.

Trip to Japan

It was amazing. Travel keeps me humble. Hope to post stories soon before I forget them! For now, back to writing class lectures. Oh, I'm so tired.

-----

Henri Nouwen
Friday April 6, 2012

Being Humble and Confident

As we look at the stars and let our minds wander into the many galaxies, we come to feel so small and insignificant that anything we do, say, or think seems completely useless. But if we look into our souls and let our minds wander into the endless galaxies of our interior lives, we become so tall and significant that everything we do, say, or think appears of great importance.

We have to keep looking both ways to remain humble and confident, humorous and serious, playful and responsible. Yes, the human person is very small and very tall. It is the tension between the two that keeps us spiritually awake.

Easter Week

Will be leaving on a trip today, and hoping that typhoons at my destination will not force me to land in a different city! Looking forward to some R&R away from home, even if I will have to work too--it's mostly a business trip. And very much looking forward to good food!

I wonder if I'm feeling low because we're entering the last few weeks of class. Last year, classes were over by Easter Week. This year, we have at least three more weeks of class. I don't know how that happened. I'll feel a lot better once I can start exercising again. Too much TV is not good for me. I can't complain too much since this year is looking like a good year. I've seen old friends, and I've made new ones too. Unfortunately, I feel like I've also lost a couple of old friends.

A part of me thinks, well, you can just write to them and get back in touch! But another part of me thinks, well, they don't seem particularly excited about being in relationship with you, so why bother? I don't know what to do. But I am very thankful for the friends who do make the time to write or drop me a note on FB. I know we're all busy and I don't have to hear from everyone on a regular basis. It's just nice to hear from them every now and again.

must do this.....

Earl Palmer's sermon on faith and doubt is really important for someone like me who likes to think a problem through, but who doesn't dare to stop thinking and start acting. I must start acting more!

voiceless

I'm glad to finally have a resolution to my work situation, and I'm so thankful that it's turned out pretty well! To celebrate, I'd really like to get this masticating juicer so I can add more fruits and veggies to my diet. My immune system sucks. I caught ANOTHER cold, and not only have I lost my voice, it has triggered my airway allergies again. The air purifier does a good job of cleaning the air in my bedroom so I rarely cough when I'm home, but my doctor says that I need allergy meds if I want to get over these symptoms faster. So I'm taking more meds.

Now, my alternative treatment center would say, heck, no, your body should be able to fight this on its own. I had the good fortune of working with a mostly English-speaking therapist on Thurs evening, and she explained that my "complementary treatments" (CT) are supposed to help loosen up my blood vessels, large and small, to detoxify my body. Of course, in their eyes, Western pills can also carry toxins. I love the work they're doing on my body--I hardly ever think about my knees now. But I think I'm going to take these pills until they've gotten my body to a stable state.

Another time, I'll post more thoughts on lessons learned during this season. But the big takeaway discovery I can think of right now is how fearful I am of God. (Yeap.)

------

Update


To be fair, I think I know what to do next. I hope I can do what I know I should do once my body is healthier, and after I meet my most pressing deadlines!

lively night life

I dreamed last night that I was at dragon boat practice, and we were stretching. Then I woke up and realized it was a dream, but fell back asleep and said to myself, "That's okay, keep stretching as you sleep so that you'll recover more quickly!" Of course, my impression is that I kept stretching in my sleep for a long time after that.....

knees

I just emailed a friend to cancel on a baddy session next Tuesday. That's how much my knees are still hurting. I really could barely run today and I felt like my partners were frustrated with me. A friend from church has seen a "tiht dah" and she said he really works, so I think I'll try him out.

There are still many blessings in my life, but this really stinks right now.

house plants

My mom's here for a visit, so we went to the flower market in Kowloon, and I got two new plants. I have a lot of trouble keeping plants alive, but I've realized that I don't kill hydroponic plants as easily because all I have to do is change their water once a week!

koff koff hack hack

Misty morning in HK, but that air is also polluted. You can barely see Kowloon in this picture and it's really not that far off.

My new air purifier! My allergy cough disappears when I'm home in the evenings.

emptiness

I was just thinking last night that I'm afraid of spending time with God because I'm afraid of what He'd do next!!

----

Tuesday February 28, 2012

Letting Go of Our Fear of God

We are afraid of emptiness. Spinoza speaks about our "horror vacui," our horrendous
fear of vacancy. We like to occupy-fill up-every empty time and space. We want to
be occupied. And if we are not occupied we easily become preoccupied; that is, we
fill the empty spaces before we have even reached them. We fill them with our worries,
saying, "But what if ..."

It is very hard to allow emptiness to exist in our lives. Emptiness requires a willingness
not to be in control, a willingness to let something new and unexpected happen.
It requires trust, surrender, and openness to guidance. God wants to dwell in our
emptiness. But as long as we are afraid of God and God's actions in our lives, it
is unlikely that we will offer our emptiness to God. Let's pray that we can let
go of our fear of God and embrace God as the source of all love.

- Henri J. M. Nouwen

happiness is

There are a lot of uncertainties in my life right now, but I'm happy, and thankful that I'm back in a good place. I waited a few days just to be sure that my general sense of well-being was not due to badminton-induced endorphins. I last played on Saturday and haven't played since because I have airway allergies that are manifested in horrible coughing fits. Meds have helped, and I woke up coughing only about 4 times last night. I will play tonight, but wanted to say that I've been happy even without playing. All praise be to God.

terrible cough

Apparently the cough I have now is a kind of allergic reaction to a pollutant in the air.  The air quality in HK this past week was abysmal. Do the high and mighty here breathe from gold-plated oxygen tanks? I haven't been able to sleep through the night for the last few nights because I wake up every time I have a coughing fit. My meds are starting to help, I think, but wow, I've never had anything like this before and I hope I'll never have it again. I drank all that garlic tea for nothing!

Update


I think I'm going to get an air filter. Waiting to see if my brother wants one too.

thanks for the concern, but....

I had a short, funny exchange with an old friend who recently got married, at the end of which she said, "If you're brave enough, you should read some books on sex. I didn't, and I wish now that I had because they would have been helpful." I replied, "I don't think that's my concern right now, dear."

My friends make me laugh!

hearing back

I've been trying to figure out if I should do the _ _ _ at the earliest date, but it would be very time consuming and I just couldn't face the thought of spending all that time on it. God does answer (sometimes) when we ask for wisdom. I was afraid at first that I was being lazy (totally possible) and short-sighted, but I'm pretty sure now that even if I do decide to do it later, doing it right now won't be a good idea. I'll probably forgot what this post is about if I decide to look back at my old posts but, oh well!

My knees have started to degenerate and my physiotherapist has said no running, jumping or weights for awhile. I'm playing badminton this Fri and Sat nights but after this week, I'll go down to playing only once a week, and it's the bike for me during my gym sessions. The quad exercises she taught me are surprisingly difficult, and I can barely do 100 reps. Will work my way up to 200 reps per day. Yes, I'm supposed to do them every day. I guess that's how much I've neglected my quads.

Dodgeball vs Dragon Boat?

My church's dragon boat team is actively recruiting for this year's race and season. I'm thinking of signing up for dragon boat instead of dodgeball now. Dodgeball is fun but last fall, we had a lot of trouble getting enough guys to commit to playing regularly. We ended up having a ton of girls which would be fine if girls could really play as well as guys, but except for Dora, the rest of us really weren't very good. The guys who did turn up for any given match pretty much played in all the games while the girls had to rotate in once every 3-4 games, so it wasn't as much fun for us. Teams tend to field 1-2 girls per match while we had to play 4-5 girls at least, so we really weren't getting as much of a workout.

The dragon boat team, on the hand, will have three boats total, and I'm assuming that one of them will consist of mostly big men, and the others will be manned by weaker rowers out for some exercise and fun, so I think we'll all get a good work out.

I did enjoy dodgeball, but it looks like I'm going to have fun on the water this spring!

----

Update: Brian's found another team whose girls want to put together a girls' team, so we'd play both on the coed team and the girls' team. That would mean more of a work out, but it would mean more nights out on court. Dodgeball matches will be played closer to where I live, but dragon boat would mean meeting a lot more people and the novelty of playing a sport I may not be able to play outside of HK....How do I decide???

----

Update on the update


I'm going with dragon boat. Water practice is on Sunday afternoon and land practice is optional. This leaves my week nights free to do a number of things I may have to do to make myself marketable come the next job cycle. 

blame game

I am beginning to notice the small ways in which my job shapes my sense of identity: I can blame my bad sense of dress on my profession. In other words, because of my job, I can think thoughts such as: "Yeah, my outfit looks odd today. But who cares, the fact that I chose this particular job is also odd, so people won't be surprised if my sartorial decisions are strange ones too."

Funny, huh?

mind boggling

I'm learning lots of lessons now, but unfortunately, these thoughts usually run through my mind right before bed and they are often accompanied by unpleasant feelings. I usually try to fall asleep so no turning on the light to jot down notes. Whatever I do during this season of life, I should not make my decisions based on a desire to escape.

But on the other hand, I feel like it should be alright to escape what does seem to be a less than ideal situation--none of my peers is happy, not one--but then again, God calls us to more. Right now, I feel like I have peace to start exploring other possibilities. The decision is to explore possibilities, not to decide one way or the other. Taking small steps such as this one is manageable but still horribly difficult. I'm now slowly reading a book that is helping me through the process, and as it turns out, there are a lot of other people who are in similar situations, and they go through very similar emotional processes too! Some of them have come out on the other side and have landed on their feet, and are much happier in general.

Fingers crossed that God will not abandon me.

wow

I've been through some pretty tough times, but what I'm going through now is a little harder than what I've gone through in the past. Who said faith gets easier? (Yes, I'm thinking of YOU, haha.) I'm just hanging in there for now. Even L-theanine and a quarter-pill of melatonin could not keep insomnia at bay last night.

Thankful for friends who randomly pop into my life to let me know that I am loved.

And ps - If everyone experiences that moment when they think, "Mom was right," that moment has come for me but I will never tell her that.

Off again

I just unpacked, and now I'll be packing again for the next trip. This time, it'll be for the lunar new year. I'm looking forward to seeing family and friends again, but well, as everyone probably knows, sometimes being with family can be tough too. We'll see what happens this year.

Work has been going very slowly since I got back. Sigh.

I had a very vivid and long dream last night, some of which I still remember and I have mixed feelings about that. Dreams are so weird and sometimes, the very things you don't want to think about resurface in your dreams. In a  funny part of my dream, I had forgotten to tell my parents when something life-changing happened, and I kept worrying about how mad they would be because I was not telling them about my life. (This is generally true in real life.) Okay, so now every time the thoughts around this particular subjects come up during the day, I'll acknowledge them, and let them pass through without trying to repress them because I don't want them to come up in my dreams.

You know, sometimes I don't like my dreams not because they are unpleasant, but because they are simply not true. In some ways, this dream was pleasant because I was not running away from someone with a knife or carrying a burden 100 times my size. But I'd rather have dreamless sleep any day of the week.

back home again

I'm so exhausted. I feel like I fit two months of living into the last two weeks of my life. Got home at 12.30am, and today will be devoted to cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, and TV. The best part of the trip was seeing friends and spending time with them. I didn't take a whole lot of pictures but hopefully I will be able to post some stories about the trip.

cold

Temps have dropped by a lot! Flying out today for the last leg of my trip. I am fine when I am with friends but I feel homesick when I am alone! Glad I will have a roommate for most of the conference.

2012

Traveling has always taught me a lot. I continually have to learn to deal with the visceral responses of being in an airport or sitting in a plane. Those emotions have become easier to live with, certainly, but they are still never easy. Once I leave the airport, I feel a lot more normal regardless of where I am, and I'm thankful for that.

I was jet lagged so I fell asleep long before midnight although I woke up for a bit when the neighborhood celebrated the turn from one year to the next. Reflections? I'm not sure I have the time and energy to reflect on 2011, but here are brief thoughts:

1. I started to feel more at home in HK, and being here on my trip has underscored how settled I feel in HK now. I do enjoy being here but I know I will be glad to be back in HK.

2. I miss my friends. I can't count the number of times that thought ran through my mind last year.

3. I value hospitality because I have so often been blessed by others in this area! As I type this, I'm in Friend J's little New York apt (not as little as HK's of course), and I'm so thankful that she took me in at the last minute (literally) because of complications with my travel plans. Friend J is not a Christian, and while some Christians--though not all--have been exemplary models of hospitality, I am equally amazed by the generosity of my non-Christian friends. I really hope I can bless others in this area too.

4. Work continues to be a difficult and contentious area of my life....and as I am finding out, in the lives of my friends too. God has been gracious and has sustained me this year; He has given me manna for my days. But I continue to associate work with anxiety, turmoil, and trouble.

5. This leads me to my one new year's resolution: that I would trust God more.

Ps - after my trip is over and when I have more time (haha), I'd like to sketch out portraits of the people I've met during this trip. Friendship truly has been one of the greatest blessings of my life.

transit

I hate the actual experience o f being on the road. Planes and airports usually bring back al the repressed memories of first leaving home. But once I am out of the airport, I start to feel better. It is still strange to be back in this place as a guest and visitor because it is now familiar and unfamiliar.

Paper two still needs a lot of work....hope I can get the work done! Looking forward to the wedding tomorrow.