delusions

Why did I think life would be easier as we get older?

Although, research is now proving that those of us who make it to our 50s and beyond tend to become happier and calmer, and all sorts of other good things. I guess I just have to hang in there until then.

Post-baddy hangout

crawling

Good news: mostly done with the major revisions for this part of the project.

Bad news: my brain is refusing to work.

I guess this means I should just focus on wading through that mountain of student papers that need to be graded.

So tired. Really tired. Hopefully, I will be able to work out in the gym this weekend and get back on court next week.

Oh yeah, more good news: no insomnia for the past few weeks. I hope I'm not jinxing me. I think it's the schisandra extract.

We're not even at the end...

My body feels so rundown that I'm canceling all exercise and badminton for the next week or so. And I'm not even supposed to rest yet because we still have so much to do.

Sooooo muuuccchhhhh......

Dammit.

Happy place

I need to find my happy place.


The Bates Quad

The Sacre Coeur

Dammit

Why do I get stuck with extra administrative duties because senior, tenured profs think that it's not their job? Well, it's not mine either, so why am I doing it??

Seriously.

you cannot run.....

As someone who hates dealing with other people's feelings (INTJ in the house), I'm learning now that politics at work is all about dealing with other people's feelings, and one's own. All the fights and conflict and unpleasantness are the result of hurt feelings, and of not being able to deal with hurt feelings. The need for power is the result of feeling smaller than one wishes to feel.

I see this in myself too, but hopefully, God will be able to work through all these emotions with me. It's been really hard at work though. And I don't really want to have to deal with other people's crap. I have enough crap of my own to work through. Plus, they're all older than me! They should have their shit together, come on.

(Fat chance.)

sunny spring day

My office is on the ninth floor

The view from my office

And a partial view of the old campus from our building 

Easter break

Took a break over our long-weekend, and went to Zhongshan with badminton buddies for food and badminton. Now, my body thinks that it can relax and refuses to work. However, we have three more weeks of classes to go, and I need to finish my writing!!! Sigh.

Just chatted with a friend who teaches in Chicago. She's feeling more down than I am right now, but I'm sure she'll be fine once she gets tenure. In the mean time, it's physical therapy, massages, and counseling to keep up with the effects of stress.

What do I want? Is this the life I want? I don't know what I want.....

Learning to let people be who they are at this point in their lives. That's a kind of grace. And hey, I'd like people to let me be whom I am too. I'm going to grow as fast as I grow......

My coach!

He went to my club on a night I had to teach and they sent me the evidence.

My CIA family

Imperfect. Loud. Forgiven.

Age

It's not just a number. I feel old. I feel old in all these ways:

When my friends grow weaker and frailer.

When they die. Or seem like they may die. Soon.

When I start to feel weaker and frailer. Just a little right now. Like when I can't exercise six days in a row anymore. I need to take rest days in between.

When people tell me I "need to start looking now" or I "won't be able to look later." You know what I mean.

When people I meet seem so horribly, horribly young and inexperienced, and I don't want to have too much to do with them because they may hurt my feelings even without meaning too. You know, because they're too young to know any better.

I'm sure this list will grow longer. Soon.

30-day thanksgiving challenge

It's easy to think of three different items of thanksgiving everyday....so long as I remember to do so! The easiest way to get it done is to find three items at the start of the day because by the end of the day, I am not going to remember to record the items. I am sure it is better to remember to be thankful throughout the day, but I will just do what I can.

When I do remember to do the exercise, it's easy enough to find three different things to be thankful for everyday so I must have a lot of blessings in my life!

Auspicious encounters

I bumped into two different friends at the airport! What are the odds??

closed doors

Sometimes, we just have to accept the fact that our friends don't want to let us in their lives when they're dealing with something. It hurts when they do that. But I do it too, and I guess my friends feel hurt when I do it.

I'm so tired today.

rewiring the brain

Thankfulness 31-day challenge has begun. I'm supposed to write down three things I'm thankful for every day, and they should all be different. I suppose being thankful for a warm coat and a warm sweater counts as two items! #3: having meaningful work to do even if I hate waking up on a Monday morning. Prepping a lecture on Schlomo Avineri's exposition of Marx's notion of alienation, and reading it alongside Melville's "Bartleby the Scrivener." Not sure if this will work, but it's fun for me to go through both texts again.

just the beginning

I cannot believe that we're at the beginning of a new semester. I feel like I need a vacation already!

Of course, I also did play badminton four times and go to the gym twice in the last seven days. I am glad I have no time to exercise today because I'm teaching my evening class tonight. Cannot wait to be done with class and go home to bed. (It's 9:32am as I type this.)

#veryold
#toomuchexercise

Old friends

Appreciating the rascals in my life 

loving life

Love my new club especially when we have enough courts. I think I'm learning how to slowly make my game better but these changes are going to be incremental. Still, I love it!

Now, I really must work hard too after a very lazy Saturday and badminton-filled Sunday.

starting the year off right

.... with a beautiful, easy hike, with a friend who enjoys hanging out with me even if I annoy her sometimes. (I give her the shitface when she's late, which is quite often, although she was on time yesterday.)

looking forward

I'm thankful that I have mentors in my life. I had Pastor Paul when I was a teenager. Then, I had professors, staff, and administrators in college who mentored me and really taught me to love books and to love people. I didn't have the best mentors in graduate school, but I had great mentors in my graduate christian fellowship. I had a wonderful mentor in my postdoc who continues to mentor me now.

At work....I don't have a mentor per se but I have good relationships with a few more senior colleagues. I also have a funny and kind badminton coach now who is sometimes a little overly emotional--the man loves his drama!--but he has been so generous and has given me a lot of wise advice that I bring to life and work. One of his friends who leads the new badminton club I've joined has taken me under his wing.

I really need to be a good mentor to others because I've been given so much.

Merry Christmas

Promise. Hope. Anticipation. Fear. Doubt. Faith. Sacrifice.

Best Christmas gift a teacher can get

New year's resolutions

I have three of them this year:

1. Better time management at work. I need to prioritize the important tasks.

2. I need to learn to trust the people around me.

3. I want to notice the work God is doing in my life. Faith expects him to work!

Update:

4. I scaled back on my service this year because I felt burned out from the previous two years, but I think I need to scale back up a little now!

p.s. - maybe item no. 4 is an answered prayer to item no. 3? God is already working!

Ready!

I am a little late getting into the game, but I guess I should start tracking my new year's resolutions. They're prayers anyway, and it'd be great to see if God answers these prayers.

This year, I will continue to ask God to help me trust him. But I also need to learn to trust the people around me. I think it would be difficult to be around someone who doesn't trust you. So, I need to believe that others are competent and capable of doing the right thing. And maybe I do need to be on my guard against some people but in general, I need to trust most of the people I meet.

Let's see if things change.

Our father

This Christmas, hope is for me too.

This Christmas, forgiveness is for me too.

God takes great pleasure in providing for His people. Psalm 104