Not serving

This past year, I took a break from serving at church because it was a tough year at work. I was glad I didn't have to serve because it turned out to be a really tough year at work.

But I realized that I also became very self-centered in my allocation of time. I did try to make time for friends. Still, I think it is important to start serving again.

I have not figured out how and in what ways though. It's going to be another hard year at work.

Miracles

Yes, I believe God heals and performs miracles. But when? And why does he not perform miracles 100% of the time? It's remarkable to watch the faith of those praying for miracles. That is a miracle in itself.

This is a big one, Lord, so please show up in a big way.

When injured

Helped out a friend by attending an event she was running and got pampered at the same time.

Injured again

I am really getting old. Have to take a week of to rest my arm.

In the meantime, I made kaya. It's a little too sweet but the taste is phenomenal. I am going to try a different recipe next time though.

I learned a few things about Cantonese culture at the memorial service:

- the Cantonese prefer to wear black, while a Hokkien HK friend says they prefer to wear lighter--but not

bright--colors.

- visitors will be given a little envelope with three items, none of which should be brought home: a one dollar coin, a piece of candy, and a piece of tissue. the dollar coin is returned after the service as a donation (not to the family), and the candy has to be consumed before you leave. the candy is meant to bring some sweetness to the bitterness of saying goodbye.

- individual donations to the family of the deceased have to be given by the individual and cannot borrowed, and you can't ask a friend to give it on your behalf in advance. 
- the sum given must be an odd number; our group of friends each gave HKD 101.00, for example. even numbers usually represent joy and celebration.
- upon arrival, guests in small groups will bow three times to the deceased, and once to the family. at the end of the service, the bows are repeated before you leave.

- not everyone will attend the service because it is not an "auspicious" event. some may come just to give their bows and may leave immediately after that.

- my friend refused to drive his car to the service because he didn't want to inadvertently bring "strangers" home with him, if you know what i mean. similarly, you shouldn't go home directly from the funeral home, so we went out for dinner after. 

i'm sure my family had slightly different rituals as we are Hokkien, but i won't know what those are, hopefully not for a little while. i don't think my heart can bear another loss for the next....couple of years or so, at least? 

conversations about death

Conversations during a memorial service last Sunday. I didn't know the deceased personally, and went to the service out of friendship for the club leader who is the deceased's godson.

Me: I don't think I want to be friends with you guys when you're all older.

Ray: Why? Because you don't want to see us.....

Me: Yeah.

Me: When I pass on, I don't think there will be so many people at my service.

Ray: I'll come to yours! But you have to let me know!

Me: Sure, I'll let you know through a dream.

In Cantonese, it's "I will send you a dream," where the deceased visits the living through a dream. Of course, I'm not so sure that I will be visiting anyone once I am Home, but it's the thought that counts.

Once, I had a dream where my maternal grandmother visited me in HK, and we went to a mall in TST. My grandmother could walk in my dream--no arthritis?--and she took the escalators with me and gazed around the mall as we went up to the next floor. I told my mom about my dream but she didn't say anything in reply. A year or so later, she told one of my aunts the story during Chinese New Year and said to my aunt, "How would z know that [my grandmother] loved to shop?"

I didn't know that my grandmother loved shopping (I hate it and assumed that she would too), and clearly, my grandmother probably didn't visit me in my dream. But I like thinking about it as if she did.

growing old

Bought my parents some books, and they were happy and excited. I guess there's no denying that the tables are turning now.

Names of God

What would it mean to think of God as "competent"? I know that sounds cold and silly, but I think it's helpful for me to think about it as such. I worship a "competent" God.

LOL.

June

The school year has come to an end, and while I spend the first couple of weeks of June with a headache and feeling half-dead, at least I'm starting to feel more human now. Coming into the office doesn't feel like hell anymore, mostly because I spend most of my time reading this month.

And... I get to play a little more baddy. Long live summer!!

end of semester blues

Learning to let negative feelings run their course, and hoping that I don't bite, scratch, or bark at the people around me in the meantime. Grades have been turned in, and while I have more administrative work to do, the worst of it is over. And it's strange how our mind/body/emotions crumble when it knows it can do so with relatively few consequences.

I really wish I could go on vacation, but flying takes a pretty heavy toll on my body and it takes me awhile to get back on track. So. Here's hoping that I'll get a lot of writing done this summer. Because I don't think I actually have a choice about that.

Wishing I were in Maine though.

delusions

Why did I think life would be easier as we get older?

Although, research is now proving that those of us who make it to our 50s and beyond tend to become happier and calmer, and all sorts of other good things. I guess I just have to hang in there until then.

Post-baddy hangout

crawling

Good news: mostly done with the major revisions for this part of the project.

Bad news: my brain is refusing to work.

I guess this means I should just focus on wading through that mountain of student papers that need to be graded.

So tired. Really tired. Hopefully, I will be able to work out in the gym this weekend and get back on court next week.

Oh yeah, more good news: no insomnia for the past few weeks. I hope I'm not jinxing me. I think it's the schisandra extract.

We're not even at the end...

My body feels so rundown that I'm canceling all exercise and badminton for the next week or so. And I'm not even supposed to rest yet because we still have so much to do.

Sooooo muuuccchhhhh......

Dammit.

Happy place

I need to find my happy place.


The Bates Quad

The Sacre Coeur

Dammit

Why do I get stuck with extra administrative duties because senior, tenured profs think that it's not their job? Well, it's not mine either, so why am I doing it??

Seriously.

you cannot run.....

As someone who hates dealing with other people's feelings (INTJ in the house), I'm learning now that politics at work is all about dealing with other people's feelings, and one's own. All the fights and conflict and unpleasantness are the result of hurt feelings, and of not being able to deal with hurt feelings. The need for power is the result of feeling smaller than one wishes to feel.

I see this in myself too, but hopefully, God will be able to work through all these emotions with me. It's been really hard at work though. And I don't really want to have to deal with other people's crap. I have enough crap of my own to work through. Plus, they're all older than me! They should have their shit together, come on.

(Fat chance.)

sunny spring day

My office is on the ninth floor

The view from my office

And a partial view of the old campus from our building 

Easter break

Took a break over our long-weekend, and went to Zhongshan with badminton buddies for food and badminton. Now, my body thinks that it can relax and refuses to work. However, we have three more weeks of classes to go, and I need to finish my writing!!! Sigh.

Just chatted with a friend who teaches in Chicago. She's feeling more down than I am right now, but I'm sure she'll be fine once she gets tenure. In the mean time, it's physical therapy, massages, and counseling to keep up with the effects of stress.

What do I want? Is this the life I want? I don't know what I want.....

Learning to let people be who they are at this point in their lives. That's a kind of grace. And hey, I'd like people to let me be whom I am too. I'm going to grow as fast as I grow......

My coach!

He went to my club on a night I had to teach and they sent me the evidence.

My CIA family

Imperfect. Loud. Forgiven.

Age

It's not just a number. I feel old. I feel old in all these ways:

When my friends grow weaker and frailer.

When they die. Or seem like they may die. Soon.

When I start to feel weaker and frailer. Just a little right now. Like when I can't exercise six days in a row anymore. I need to take rest days in between.

When people tell me I "need to start looking now" or I "won't be able to look later." You know what I mean.

When people I meet seem so horribly, horribly young and inexperienced, and I don't want to have too much to do with them because they may hurt my feelings even without meaning too. You know, because they're too young to know any better.

I'm sure this list will grow longer. Soon.

30-day thanksgiving challenge

It's easy to think of three different items of thanksgiving everyday....so long as I remember to do so! The easiest way to get it done is to find three items at the start of the day because by the end of the day, I am not going to remember to record the items. I am sure it is better to remember to be thankful throughout the day, but I will just do what I can.

When I do remember to do the exercise, it's easy enough to find three different things to be thankful for everyday so I must have a lot of blessings in my life!

Auspicious encounters

I bumped into two different friends at the airport! What are the odds??

closed doors

Sometimes, we just have to accept the fact that our friends don't want to let us in their lives when they're dealing with something. It hurts when they do that. But I do it too, and I guess my friends feel hurt when I do it.

I'm so tired today.

rewiring the brain

Thankfulness 31-day challenge has begun. I'm supposed to write down three things I'm thankful for every day, and they should all be different. I suppose being thankful for a warm coat and a warm sweater counts as two items! #3: having meaningful work to do even if I hate waking up on a Monday morning. Prepping a lecture on Schlomo Avineri's exposition of Marx's notion of alienation, and reading it alongside Melville's "Bartleby the Scrivener." Not sure if this will work, but it's fun for me to go through both texts again.

just the beginning

I cannot believe that we're at the beginning of a new semester. I feel like I need a vacation already!

Of course, I also did play badminton four times and go to the gym twice in the last seven days. I am glad I have no time to exercise today because I'm teaching my evening class tonight. Cannot wait to be done with class and go home to bed. (It's 9:32am as I type this.)

#veryold
#toomuchexercise