crap

Going through Facebook withdrawal symptoms. I've been off Facebook since Friday morning so it has been about five days now. Instead of compulsively clicking "refresh" on Facebook, I am now compulsively clicking refresh on two of my email accounts. Not supposed to go back to Facebook until May 9.

R-e-a-l-l-y t-o-u-g-h . . . .

excerpt from A Slice of Infinity, Ravi Zacharias Ministries

The following excerpt was really helpful this morning. I think it's very clear
from my posts that I am in general incredibly happy to be here. But very
recently, I've been struggling with more negative emotions and the old
questions "What in the world am I doing with my life?" and "Where
am I going?" and "What do I want, really?" have resurfaced again.

I think I know why I'm been struggling with these questions now and this
excerpt, I hope, will help me recenter my focus. When I displace God
with something or even someone, regardless of how good that thing or
person is, I lose sight of God's work in, and His plans for, my life.

-------

The hiddenness of God is problematic for theists and atheists alike. 
Christians often take for granted that we have the scriptures which give us
a record of God’s revelation. We have the benefit of a book full of God’s
speech. God speaks in the wonder and mystery of creation; God speaks
through the history of the nation of Israel; God speaks through the very
Word of God incarnate, Jesus Christ. His life reveals the exact nature of
God, and places God’s glory on full display.
 
But still we may wonder if we must always and only look to the past
to hear God’s voice, while we wonder why God isn’t more “talkative” today?
Has God not given us an additional witness for God’s presence and activity
in the world today?
 
In fact, God is often found in one of the last places we think of--the church. 
For at its best, the church retells the story of God speaking across the ages 
and definitively in Jesus Christ through the preaching of the gospel. But the 
church can also create community where God may be encountered in the
faces of others as a result of the empowering Holy Spirit. Such a community
is to be the symbol of God’s presence among us and with us as “God-found,”
not “God-hidden.” It is to be the arms of God around us when we are hurting,
or the voice of God speaking when we feel we haven’t heard from God in years.
Such a community is to be God’s voice, God’s hands and feet as they go out
into the broken places of the world to bring healing, help, and comfort.
Through worship and liturgy, prayer and communion, service and sacrifice
the church is to reveal the God who spoke and is still speaking.
 
God is not often revealed in the roar of the hurricane or the loud-clap of
thunder, but in a “still, small voice”--a voice that is barely audible except to
the most patient and still. But when the Church, broken and human as it is,
seeks through the power of the Spirit to accomplish “greater things than these,”
we see God and hear God, and find God beautifully obvious.
 
For those who long to see God, who long to find God in the darkest hour,
we may not find God in the dramatic or the victorious, the miraculous or the
stupendous. Instead, we may yet hope to find him in the pew, at the table
of the Lord’s Supper, or in a simple hymn sung by fellow seekers longing
to find Him too.

new toy

I got a compact HD camcorder through my credit card reward program but then realized that my computer can't keep up with HD videos . . . sigh. Also, the still photos that you pull from a video looks like . . . it came from a video. :p

Still, the Creative Vado HD is really small, light, and fun to use! My alumni group volunteered at a women's shelter last weekend and here's a small video of a few of us sitting down to lunch.

another epiphany

Can't seem to focus on an appropriate update for the present moment so I will just mention one of my new resolutions: practice random acts of hospitality.

During my trip to the UK, I had to be in Belfast for a couple of days and as it turned out, my sister's pastor's wife's family lives in Belfast, so my sister made arrangements for me to stay with her pastor's wife's brother and his family. When I got to Belfast, however, I found out that my sister's pastor's wife's brother's wife was just starting work again after a year's maternity leave, so it was difficult for them to host me and told me that my sister's pastor's wife's father, who is also my sister's pastor's wife's brother's father, will be hosting me instead. I was a little apprehensive by that point and imagine how I felt when my sister's pastor's wife's brother drove me to my sister's pastor's wife's father's house and my sister's pastor's wife's father said, "There's too much construction going on at our house so we're heading over here."

Finally, I ended up staying at my sister's pastor's wife's father's tenants' apartment instead. David (my sister's pastor's wife's father) is an architect and he was building an additional floor to his old farmhouse and had remodeled the barn where he milked cows as a kid into a lovely little two-story place. The tenants, Ed and Kate and their little baby Elijah, had an empty guest room and they hosted me for the two nights I was there. None of the people who fed me and who drove me around the city had ever met my sister before and I have never met my sister's pastor or his wife! We were utter and complete strangers.

My three weeks of travel were wonderful in many, many ways, but this short part of my trip affected me profoundly. I spent many hours talking to these folks over meals and tea and thoroughly enjoyed myself. It was truly an unexpected holiday.

Sound of Music Train Station @ Yahoo! Video

back!

Got home at about 4pm yesterday. Very glad to be back but unfortunately, I was at my aunt's place outside of London long enough for me to feel comfortable there. When I got there, all I wanted to do was leave because without my regular routine, I couldn't seem to get anything done, and I was--and still am--sad that I had to miss out on a couple of events that were going on back in LA. All I did was eat, sleep, and sit around with family.

By the end of my stay, I was both excited about getting back and sad to be leaving. Getting to know my cousin's kids R_an, Br_nden and Chr_stian was such a precious gift. I also had a lot of fun meeting up with old friends and making new friends. More stories about that later. Regardless of where I am, I'm always missing people in other places. Yes, I have such a miserable life, I really do.

I don't quite understand it myself but leaving CA and leaving the country for a bit really helped give me some perspective. First, I realized that there are other wonderful ways of life other than the one I have been living for the past ten or eleven years. But then again, I also realized that I have had the most amazing life so far. Truly. Now, I'm starting to get a little excited about moving back to Asia at the beginning of 2010!!!

(Of course, I already know that I'll be sad about leaving especially because I am so happy here . . . . but I suppose growing up means learning to live with conflicting emotions.)

failed

The teleconferencing program sucked. Too much echo, couldn't figure out who was speaking, and just plain difficult to use. Scheduled a replacement class next weekend. Well, at least I tried.

Really happy to be here with family though, and I've especially loved getting to know my cousin's kids. Aren't they so cute????

on the run

Actually, I've been resting in my aunt's house outside of London for the past couple of days now, and I'm really enjoying this less stressful week. I do have to teach via teleconferencing in a couple of days but otherwise, life is pretty easy.

It's been a fantastic trip except for my few days in Boston when I was horribly sick with a cold and had to miss my own presentation at the conference. Everything has gone well since then and I've had a wonderful time visiting with family and friends. But I can't wait to get back to my own life and my own apt. Will be flying back on April 14. May write more then.

I'm in the foulest mood I've been in for the longest time and I can't even figure out why. Leaving for B_ston tomorrow and will be traveling for the next 3 weeks or so.

z trying to calm z down . . .

angry and helpless

I just learned today that the dept chair was told that I had already accepted the offer. Unfortunately, I don't even have a contract in hand! It boggles my mind. This makes me feel so helpless and thus angry and fearful because based on some of the advice I've been getting, I really should accept this offer anyway even if I don't know what the contract is.

Life really sucks sometimes.

calm down

Last night in my dreams, I figured out what my problem is. I don't deal well with change. Everything will work itself out in its time. My job is to learn how to rest in the midst of all the chaos.

Ps - I do hope the techies here will be able to set up a teleconferencing classroom for me. :)

GAAAGGGGHHHHHH!!!!

There are reasons why Friend J will never travel with me. And here's yet one more reason why. I have to go to London for a conference in early April and because I have my Paperwork all set, I thought I'd be fine. Well, I just realized that I'd forgotten that I need to have my passport updated when I get to London. I just called the embassy in the UK and not only did they charge me an exorbitant sum for the phone call, they can't give me an appointment until April 6. My departure date from London to LA is currently April 8 because I need to get back here to teach on April 10!! Apparently, they are so busy that I probably won't get my passport back until April 17 at the earliest!!!!

I just sent an email to the dept techie to see if he can help me set up a teleconference-ready classroom for the two three-hour classes that at this point, I will have to miss. I can't make up two weeks of class!! I'm really keeping my fingers crossed that I will be able to teach via webcam. I hate being away from my life for this long.

This is totally my fault because I forgot to make an appointment earlier, but when I checked with another embassy in the fall, they told me that because my Paperwork has all been approved, I probably won't have any trouble and that my processing procedure/time would be expedited. AAGGGHHHH!!!!!

Join my charity giving team here! My project through the Mocha Club:

In Africa, employment equals the ability to feed your children or not. A woman not being a sex worker is not necessarily about her personal dignity; it is about whether or not she can feed her children. But creating jobs is more than just creating employment. It requires counseling the former sex worker through her heart issue, and teaching fiscal responsibility to the young father with four children whose wife died of AIDS.

This is the holistic approach we take with this restoring work. We do this work primarily through small business loans and job skills training. First, when giving a small business loan to someone, you must help them to create a business plan.

This includes anything from selling charcoal for cooking to selling grain at the market. We teach business management skills, and then help them to launch the business. We mentor through running their business and through teaching life skills necessary to do so. Then, with job skills training, we teach various skills: sewing and garment making, carpentry, knitting and weaving, bead making, and even computer skills and literacy training.

We do all of this so that those we serve will become self supportive and independent...and then we'll move on to the next family.

confusion

I bumped into my mentor outside my office building when I was coming back from the library and we had a conversation about "the decision." I love talking to her--she's so calm and wise and optimistic.

My church home group will also be praying with me about this. The group leader is someone I respect and I think he has something to say about something new related to "the decision" so I hope we'll get to talk before others get to his house for this week's meeting. I love carrying J's (the group leader) and L's (his wife) baby so if I go earlier, I'll get to hold the baby before the others get there. Muahahaha . . . . . (that's the sound of evil laughter, btw.)

Oh, a funny story: I had to call my mentor's name a couple of times before she realized it was me. Then she said, "Oh, hi! I wasn't looking . . . . You look like a little girl in your jeans!" Great, thanks, just what I wanted to hear.

It's fine to look "young" but I don't particularly want to look too young. I usually dress up when I teach or when I have to attend lectures but now that the winter quarter is over--I have to grade final papers, ugh!!--I've reverted to my student clothes.

this is me, trying to do the research for my conference paper

perspectives

This pretty much describes my spiritual, emotional, and intellectual growth. Being around me isn't easy for my friends. Especially when I have to make decisions. But God is still God, regardless of what I decide.

Got this image from this site that has a lot of other b/w photos.

how delicate the balance . . .

A friend just made a comment/observation about the decision I was thinking of making and I may now have to reconsider that decision. Well. It is good to have both eyes wide open, and as difficult as all this has been, at the very least, I'm being forced to learn how to be more patient and how to live with uncertainties. A lot of them.

feeling better

I slept last night without the help of cold meds--good to break this addiction before it becomes too entrenched. :)

And I just noticed that 21 students have already signed up for my class next quarter, and the class is limited to 20 spots only. Previously, I was worried that I would have perhaps two students as I have been assigned to teach on Friday afternoon in the Spring Quarter. That is traditionally the slot of death because no one wants to be on campus at that time. Three of my students from this quarter have signed up for my spring class and that's a compliment of sorts! It's surprising to me because one of my current students from the same class has complained that I'm a hard grader.

I absolutely need to write the paper that I'm supposed to present at a conference in London soon. The topic is interesting but I'm so early in my research stage that I can't help but feel a little nervous too. Much to do! Much to do!

Oh, and I may be coming closer to a decision that I have to make but what's exciting about that is the fact that I may actually be pleased with my decision.

the source of my indigestion

Been having trouble with my stomach lately--find that I have to drink more milk just to keep it calm. I'm trying not to read the news because well, where will all the outrage go? I found this article (on where bailout money is going) through Ariana Huffington's column, and another column on Huffington Post wonderfully explains why the Jon Stewart clip below has been such a hit. My professional work lacks the courage and honesty of an 8-minute comedy act. Well, maybe one day I'll be able to say that Comedy Central was an intellectual inspiration.

Oh, and one more rant here--this time by Frank Schaeffer, yes, the son of the L'abri founders.

must watch, must share

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

CNBC Gives Financial Advice

Daily Show Full Episodes
Important Things With Demetri Martin

Political Humor
Joke of the Day

more funny dog pictures

I love my life and I love my God, but this picture really says it all!

to be free

During times like these, I am ever mindful of and thankful for the body of Christ and friends who are willing to speak with honesty and love.

Jeremiah 29:11-13
"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me whole-heartedly, you will find me.

Romans 15:13
I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.

1 John 4:18
Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love.

Romans 8:28
And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.

Romans 5:3-5
Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

2 Samuel 22:3, 32, David's Song of Praise
My God is my rock, in whom I take refuge,
my shield and the horn of my salvation.
He is my stronghold, my refuge and my savior--
from violent men you save me.

[. . . .]

For who is God besides the Lord?
And who is the Rock except our God?

Psalm 31:2-3
Turn your ear to me,
come quickly to my rescue;
be my rock of refuge,
a strong fortress to save me.

Since you are my rock and my fortress,
for the sake of your name lead and guide me.

Psalm 61:1-2

¹ Hear my cry, O God;
listen to my prayer.

² From the ends of the earth I call to you,
I call as my heart grows faint;
lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

cough

Been ill with a cough and sore throat. Spent most of the past couple of days sleeping and watching TV. Feel like canceling class tomorrow morning, actually. Sigh. Still feel really heavy-headed and not myself. Glad that I'm able to rest but wish I didn't feel so bad!!!! I suppose if I didn't feel this bad, I wouldn't rest. :)

Sometimes, I wonder what I learned in graduate school. I don't mean that to be as critical as it first comes across. Now that I have some idea of how I'd actually like to revise the dissertation, I am sometimes too impatient with myself--I wish I'd read a lot more during grad school! Although, I do think that in grad school, we are forced to read so much so quickly and in such fragmentary ways that we retain hardly anything of what we'd read. This is why most of of my teachers took 10 years to complete their PhD's! And now we are expected to finish them in 5-6 years?

We had a pretty long lapse between postdoc events and I was so happy to be back with the group yesterday. We will have another event next week before another long, much lamented lapse again. Life is crazy busy as usual but I'm loving it most of it. I hate having to think about life after this postdoc.

This image is appropos of nothing personal

I stumbleupon-ed this drawing and its caption on this site and couldn't resist putting it up because the analogy it draws is ironic and socially relevant.

On another note, I came upon a different sort of realization last night during my church home group meeting. It's not very profound but it was personally timely and helpful. My desires and dreams are important and relevant. But in the face of God, they become less so. This is not to say that I will repress whatever hopes and fears I have, and letting them go does not mean they are not important or that they are morally wrong. It just means that God matters more, that's all.

That realization not only freed me to acknowledge that I have desires, it also freed me from being consumed by them.

falling back into normal

After meeting my deadline last week, my body crashed again. I've been sleeping about 10-12 hours a day for the past few days but I'm no longer worried. I'm resigned to how my body has to recover after I push it hard for awhile, and I look forward to how my body will recover so that I can work with pleasure again.

This morning, I woke up feeling a little better than I did the past couple of days and the next week looks pretty interesting as far as postdoc commitments go--a couple of interesting lectures and hopefully I'll have the energy to start reading a couple of books that I've been wanting to read for awhile now. Hopefully, I won't have another unexpected crazy deadline any time soon.

inspiring

Lately, I've been wondering if staying away from the papers will keep my spirits up, and I think that it will. I did come across this NYT column on earth-friendly technological innovation that made me feel good though.