I'm amused to see that one of my students at __LA has included me in her msg to family and friends regarding her email address change. Actually, it's very nice because I feel like a professional failure here in my new institution. Another one wrote me to tell me that he has just been accepted to a law school (although, frankly, I wrote the letter with trepidation--he is a very difficult character with not much compassion).

I thought I was over being homesick when I'm away from home but sigh, I guess I need to give this place more time to grow on me.

back again

I got back last night from a two-week break in M'sia and it really was a break in the sense that I didn't do any of the work that I was supposed to do. I literally slept, ate, and hung out with folks the entire two weeks. And now I really don't want to be here but I absolutely need to write my lecture for tomorrow. I really hate lecturing and much prefer seminar discussions.

Much to tell of my trip home but maybe after this lecture is done. I'll just say for now that parts of it were difficult but most of it was wonderfully relaxing after the re-entry shock was over. I still feel so freaking tired though.

blahs

Sorry for not posting much these days. I don't seem to be interested in much these days . . . besides sleeping! A friend from out of town visited last weekend so M-- took us around fun spots in HK and that was really fun. But since then I've been sleeping and watching TV. AGGGH. I need more discipline in my life.

Trying to get set up at the school's gym now even though the gym sucks and it's quite a long walk away. Walking is not a problem for me but with the pollution here, I'm not sure walking--especially on the street--is a good form of exercise. Glad to hear that China is taking the lead in green energy research because they sure need it!!!!! The problem is, most people in power can afford to isolate themselves in little bubbles so that they never have to deal with things like pollution and high rent. It drives me nuts.

Settling in

I really love "A Slice of Infinity" because every now and then, one of their meditations will change the way I think. Here's a snippet from one of their recent posts:

To discover that there is a face inherently present behind many of the failures we long to forget, a Spirit within the crushed and wounded scenes we try our best to put behind us, and a voice that speaks over and above the cries that have indelibly marked our journey, is to experience the restorative hope of the creator who intended us to discover Him all along. The words of the psalmist describe waking to this knowledge: "It was not by their sword that they won the land, nor did their arm bring them victory; it was your right hand, your arm, and the light of your face, for you loved them" (Psalm 44:3). Our days are marked with the intention of one who loves us. Our winding journeys are a means to the face of God.

My adjustment to my new city has been easier than expected and life here gets easier by the day and I know I'm lucky that it does. But every now and then, everything will seem strange and forbidding and all I want to do is go back home to KL. I just have to remind myself that God is here too and He is still with me.

I'm eating a lot of new foods and I'm very glad M_y is here. Without her friendship, I know I would be far lonelier. (M_y's an old friend from college who is a Hongkie.)

new beginnings. again.

I got here safe and sound on Saturday morning and was apt-hunting by the afternoon. I think I've decided on an apt and I'm waiting for the real estate agent to haggle the rent down a bit more. The apt has a pink-ed room (furnishings and fixtures) and it will really grate on my nerves if I can't figure out a way to hide most of that pink.

Anyway, the transition has been much easier than I expected. I'm not from here and I haven't spent a lot of time here but I feel a lot more comfortable than I thought I would. But I also feel uneasy. I'm trying to remember that I first felt uncomfortable in all the different cities I've lived in the past 10 years! I even hated LA when I first got there and of course, after 6 months, I loved living there. I'll never grow fond of its traffic and I don't think I'll ever grow fond of this city's air pollution but I already appreciate its food and transportation system. I haven't ventured out much into other parts of the city yet although I will go shopping for a new cell phone tomorrow in a popular shopping district. Everyone I've met--even strangers on buses and streets!--has been very kind, helpful, and friendly.

I like the building my dept is housed in and I like my office too! I can't wait to get settled in an apt so that I can concentrate on teaching. There's quite a bit of red tape associated with settling into a new institution and country but again, everyone's been very helpful and they've really tried to make the process easier.

Just the same, my new city is still a mystery. That's not so much of a surprise but it's hard to see how I fit in and that makes me anxious. I skyped with an old friend from grad school yesterday and she said, well, yes, you can't expect to feel as if you've lived there for years! This is another exercise in patience, and as it turns out, Nouwen's daily meditation for the day is precisely on patience. Serendipity.

ps - Most ppl I've met so far assume that I'm a student and are surprised to find out that I'm a teacher. This means I need a makeover.

----

Daily Meditation for January 5, 2010
            written by Henri Nouwen

_........................................................._

Living the Moment to the Fullest

Patience is a hard discipline. It is not just waiting until
something happens over which we have no control: the arrival
of the bus, the end of the rain, the return of a friend, the
resolution of a conflict. Patience is not a waiting
passivity until someone else does something. Patience asks
us to live the moment to the fullest, to be completely
present to the moment, to taste the here and now, to be
where we are. When we are impatient we try to get away from
where we are. We behave as if the real thing will happen
tomorrow, later and somewhere else. Let's be patient and
trust that the treasure we look for is hidden in the ground
on which we stand.

unexpected friendships

This morning, I had a goodbye breakfast with K, a senior prof in polit_c_l the_ry whose office is in my dept because she also teaches there and in _nglish. My time here has been really wonderful for all sorts of reasons and I've particularly enjoyed meeting up with old friends and making new ones. My friendship with K has been the most surprising though, mostly because of differences in rank, age, and personality.

And it is true that K might not have had the time to talk to me or share meals if she had a partner and/or kids but it is also true that she spends a great deal of time working--by choice--and she generously made space for me in her busy schedule. Friendships can only grow if you make time for one another (can't remember who said it) and I'm glad that we had offices on the same floor, or we wouldn't have become friends. You can't really ignore someone when you're the only two people on the floor at 9pm.

I'm always anxious before I hang out with someone, even if I've been friends with that person for years. But I think I'm getting better at living with that short time of anxiety. Anxiety is an emotion and emotions come and go, as Wai, my therapist at C_rnell would say. ;)

Anyway, I brought this up because K gave me tips about what to do or not do when preparing to lecture--I've only taught small, discussion-based seminars--and at the end of that conversation, she said, "Oh, and one more thing. Don't be afraid to fail."

I looked up at her and said, "It's funny you said that. When I first started this postdoc, one of my goals was to learn to allow myself to fail!" Then, I looked back down and continued scribbling on my napkin. She muttered something I didn't quite catch and she didn't want to repeat it at first, but finally she said, "I said, 'I am not stupid.'"

I pretended not to understand because I was starting to tear up. To be known is a wonderful feeling and that must be how God intended our relationships to be. To be known by old friends is the best thing about keeping up friendships over the years. To be known by new friends is . . . . well, good, but a little scary too, in a way.

Most of my packing is done now although I have more to do later tonight after I've done my final load of laundry. I hope with all my heart that everything will fit in my bags and that I won't have anymore surprises. Canceling out on the M_A conference earlier this week was a really good decision because I got to rest and pack at a leisurely pace. I would've liked to see my friends there but I think my body would have collapsed from exhaustion. I'm pretty much done with the syllabi for my new classes too, so that is a relief.

Probably won't be online much tomorrow so this will likely be my last post from here! My flight leaves on Jan 1, 12:05am.

blessings for the journey

My small group prayed for me last night and it calmed my anxieties about the upcoming move. It's good to be reminded that the work of Christ in our lives is what's most important. And it was also good to receive affirmation of my witness during my time with them although I'm mindful of how much more work remains to be done in my life and my character.

I am closer to those who were also part of the group last year but there are more people this year whom I haven't really gotten to know and they don't really know me well either so it was very powerful to hear these words from them because they clearly weren't speaking from their knowledge of who I am and what I usually struggle with. These are a few visions, either in images and words of exhortation, that a few in the group received:

• An image of me sliding down a water-slide, holding up my arms in glee.
• Confidence--that I am well-prepared to do my job. (This was really powerful as I've been worried about my syllabi and class prep.)
• An image of Christ in HK, but then that image shifts back to Christ with me in the here and now as well.
  

Some of my friends and mentors think that religion assuages our indignation over injustice or it relieves fears and comforts us in our loss. And all that is true, but my time with my small group last night reminded me precisely that Christ has called us to be salt and light, and that we are to love as He loves wherever we find ourselves.

My work is important and I'm glad for it and I believe that the work I do will be to God's glory--at least that is my fervent prayer!!--but it is all that only insofar as it remains off-centered.

mixed bag

Well, the friend who was originally going to buy my car said the bank offered him a loan with better rates, so now we are going through with the deal after all. Even if that didn't happen, friend C knew someone who was very interested. I am very thankful and glad that it's all working out.

Worked in the morning on Saturday and then went to the Messiah Sing-a-long at Disney Hall this weekend and that was fantastic but my body collapsed again on Sunday. Spent it watching TV on the couch. Long week ahead. Hope to be productive. Then flying to PA for a conference, then back for two days before taking off. Oh my, oh my, oh my.

Good sermon on how truth and grace go together, in a reading of Paul's and Silas's imprisonment.

another cool sermon (on the first 22 verses of the book of Ruth)

I need to take deep breaths. DEEP BREATHS. deep breaths. Deep BREATHS. breathe. breath. BREATH. BREATHE. breathe. Breathe. breathe.

What's funny is that I've been listening to sermons online thanks to a friend's recommendation and now is the time to practice what I've learned. I really like her former pastor's sermons because they are so learned and they bring the biblical texts to life. Who says education's boring????

Click on E_rl P_lmer's sermons on this site. I've especially enjoyed his series on advent. Just yesterday, I prayed that I would find joy--its etymological root is "surprise"--this Christmas because thus far, I've been worrying more about my upcoming move than preparing to remember Christmas. And late last night, my friend who was pretty sure that he was going to buy my car from me told me that he couldn't get a loan and now I have to find a different buyer. Lord, this wasn't the surprise I had in mind!!!

It seems like such a small thing but I became so much more anxious than I want to be and I don't know why I let this get to me!!!!!!!

On the upside, I'm finally getting over my cold, I think, and hopefully, very soon, I'll be able to dive back into the mountain of work that I need to finish before Christmas. (It would help not to worry, z, it really would.)

sick again

I thought my cold this time was rather mild but after four days, my cough wasn't getting better and the over-the-counter cough suppressant wasn't helping, so I decided to go to a Chinese doctor. I'd been before and while the herbal meds worked great, it was also EXPENSIVE because it's not covered by insurance. So I was planning on not going back but then I woke up this morning and still felt bad and decided to bite the bullet and pay through the nose for bad-tasting herbs that nevertheless are really effective. Here are the herbs that I had to boil.

very busy week = finished teaching! met with students! some of them multiple times! meeting up with friends because they are leaving town before i leave town! trying to read but failing!

I think extroverts forget how they have an edge in fields where one has to talk a lot. I enjoy meeting with students and meeting with friends but after that, I'm exhausted and unable to do anything else.

accumulated spiritual lessons over the past few months or so

1. At the beginning of the fall last year, God said, "Trust Me."
2. I asked for healing from fear and I have been healed somewhat. Quite a bit actually, except that I'm constantly worrying over the current or upcoming challenge that I often forget how far I've come. I still have a fear of public speaking. :)
3. This past summer, I asked God to show me if I can write at a high level; if I can't, I need to look for a different job because academia is probably not for me. What I learned this past year was that I am dependent upon God for the daily progress I make in my work. For now, at least, I will remain in academia (mostly because I have a job for at least the next three years!).
4. I've come to see that God brought healing into my life even before I knew how to ask for it.
5. I need to live as if I will never go hungry again because God will never stop loving me.
   
6. A lesson on pedagogy that I learned from J. Y. during his visit: "First, tell them what they want to hear. Then, tell them what God wants them to hear." The challenge comes after comfort.
7. If I remain in Christ, I will give out of my fullness.
8. I've been introduced to the pleasure and awe that comes from seeing how God works in the lives of others, especially old friends. It is a privilege to walk with friends and to know them well enough to notice the changes in their character. I suspect that this will be one of the more valuable blessings of growing old and I hope that others will be blessed in this way too.
9. I want to have a spiritual mentor who is physically in the same place as I am. And I want to learn how to be a mentor myself. (The latter really scares me though.)
10. I want to trust that God is sovereign and that He is good.
    

more growing up

Kids are free to say "I don't want to friend you!" if they don't like someone and they are free to pout and turn away. Adults can't get away with that but it is also true that the older we get, the more likely we are to accept and be more generous to those who are different from us and that is a mark of maturity.

But then there are some people who make me feel conflicted because I don't how to interpret their actions toward me. Some people are nice to me because . . . . well, I don't know why. Well, sometimes I think they are nice to me because I have a car and they want me to drive all of us to this or that social event! Sometimes I think they are nice to me because . . . it somehow fits in with their sense of self and has little to do with who I am. Sometimes I think they are nice because they see it as part of what it means to be in a professional relationship. But I get confused because we are all "friends" as well, and not just colleagues.

I don't know how to react to people who are nice to me out of a sense of duty. And that only increases my cognitive dissonance because I am also nice to people out of a sense of duty. First, because it just takes too much energy to dislike someone, and second, because well, I've been given so many chances to grow and change that it would be uncharitable of me if I didn't extend the same grace to others.

But it doesn't change the fact that there are some people whose judgment I don't trust, and frankly, I don't trust that they want the best for me. I know that those with my personality type (INTJ) are naturally skeptical and that I should learn to trust others more and let them into my life. But I've also learned that I often have very good instincts and being guarded has its advantages. (I am still committed to learn how to take risks though.)

I don't know how to resolve this conundrum. On the one hand, I want to be nice and act out of grace. But on the other hand, I can't pretend to respect people I don't trust either.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer, "The Cost of Discipleship"

"To deny oneself is to be aware only of Christ and no more of self, to see only him who goes before and no more the road which is too hard for us. Once more, all that self-denial can say is: 'He leads the way, keep close to him'" (88).

tired still

One of the other postdocs just got diagnosed as hypo-thyroid and that explains why he's always so tired. I bet I don't have hypo-thyroid but so what's my excuse then?????

Score!

I've gotten started on some some of the prep work that I have to do before I start teaching in my new institution and so far, my new boss seems to like what she sees.

That feels good . . . .

great weekend!

Had a lovely time at the charity walk, then lunch with folks from church, then a trip to a new Korean spa that was offering a discount, then an improv show, and finally dinner. Best Saturday EVER!! More new pictures on FB.

I hate it when people shame me. And perhaps I need to think about how not to feel ashamed in those moments, regardless of what they intend or don't intend.

(And I hope I don't shame others.)

no disasters recently

Everything has been going fine and my life seems to be smooth-sailing so I really should feel happier than I'm feeling now. Sigh. Well. I was really happy on Friday because I had a few small professional victories. And I did some light reading on Saturday, and then took my Sabbath. So why the Monday blahs???????? This just ain't right.

Anyway. New pics up on FB.

Worth reading all the way through.

friend visit over

We had a really lovely time. I like hosting. I like meeting up with old friends. I learned a lot these past couple of days. Need to write about it soon.

But I'm just exhausted and I need to grade and then rest tonight because I haven't been writing for a few weeks now so I am determined to get some writing done this weekend.

blahs again

I now expect to feel low the week after I finish a major project, so last week's fatigue was par for the course as the seminar presentation was a pretty significant piece of work and then I was sick with a bad cold as well. But I'm starting off this week still tired out and I have to grade student papers this week as well as try to to do my own work, and host a friend who's visiting from out of town. My life really could be worse, except that I need to work on my public voice because next week, we have another seminar with a couple of big names in political theory and it will be very odd if I don't ask a question or perform in some way. It will look odd because our guest speaker from Chicago will be speaking about race and I'm the only postdoc in the group who works explicitly on race. After SMS's lecture last week, I know she'll be watching to see if I'm going to open my mouth and not just speak but speak with confidence and sophistication. A part of me wonders how I'm going to pull off a miracle this quickly and it is weighing me down somewhat.

I'm very much looking forward to J. Yip's visit from Wed-Fri as he and his family now live in SA and we haven't seen each other in a very long time. This visit may also be the only visit for a long time too. I need to organize my time and thoughts, aaggghh!!!!

A lot has been going through my head the last few days but I haven't had the time or energy to write about them. Hopefully I won't forget since they are milestone-type insights.

"When you are shame-based, an observation becomes an evaluation."

-- Paul Young via a John Townsend sermon.

wham bam!

Met with the other mentor of the program today, and she had nice things to say about my paper too but it was to frame her comments on my oral, public performance on the day of my seminar: "But you write so beautifully and with such confidence and I just couldn't believe how you stumbled in your seminar . . . . I just don't understand it. What happened??"

Oy vey.

It is so difficult to hear when it comes from someone you adore! And it is oh so difficult to hear it from someone you adore who looks as if she is reading your very soul. But then again, this is precisely why I adore her. She will not let me get away with delivering anything less than the absolute best. It doesn't matter that I did my best, or even if a few others do think that I performed well enough, if what I did was not the best of how it can and should be done, it is just not good enough, and I need to get on it.

FL

I just had lunch with one of the two mentors of the program and she said in passing, "Oh, you're thinking in quite sophisticated ways" re the seminar paper I presented last week. I had to write it down for myself and when I'm feeling glum, I'll come back and look at this blog post. Obviously, our mentors/teachers don't realize how much their feedback means to us.

this is really funny!

Yesterday. Was. Amazing.

I was sweating for most of the two-hours we were in the room but at the end, it was all so very productive. It was academic life at its best.

Exhausted now because I rarely sleep well after our seminars--too many racing thoughts--and have to prepare for my class in a couple of hours, then I need to get started on something else that I need to get done by the end of the week. Hope I don't get sick.

It's pretty cool to have mentors who commit to caring about you regardless of how successful you are. I'm going to remember them as I prepare for my seminar presentation this afternoon. It's going to be a long day as we have a reception after the seminar, and then a private dinner after that. I just found out my small group is planning on spending more time worshiping--as opposed to the unfortunately mostly uninteresting blather that passes for "discussion"--and I won't be there. I can't miss the dinner though because it will be in honor of me (we celebrate the person presenting that day) and I chose to have the dinner at a sushi restaurant that sounds pretty good.