gone for a bit!

If Paul Ogata ever performs in your neighborhood, Go!! He is very, very funny and sharp. I not only liked his prepared routine but also his sharp exchanges with the audience. Look him up on youtube for a sample.

Windsurfing was fantastic, except that I forgot to apply sunscreen on my hands and feet and I ended up being sunburned only on those places. I looked funny but worse, my feet especially felt awful and they are still stinging a little now. 

I get on the plane tonight and leave for a short break/conference before flying back here for another conference presentation the day after I get back. I'm more or less finished with the first paper but haven't begun the second one so I hope I get a lot of work done on the plane!!! I am very very excited to be leaving because I'm going to a place I've never been to before. I have four days on my own and I think I know what I'll be doing . . . . At this point, it looks like I'll be winging it for at least two nights, depending on how I figure out bus/lodging plans.

So I won't be updating this blog or visiting yours for awhile!!

I think I need to read this book. Okay, I do miss amazon.

FB :(

I still love using FB but now that I have a friends' list that is in need of some trimming and I have neither time nor gumption to do it, I'm a little more wary about posting status updates there. It's a bit sad since most of my friends don't have this blog address and I want to keep it that way. This is the place where I can think out loud without worrying too much. Well, I just wanted to have that on record.

Btw, I'm really loving the service here in HK. I can't get the drainage hole cover off my dehumidifier and since it is still covered by a 3-yr warranty, the company is sending over a service person to knock that piece of plastic out. Can't imagine this happening in the US!!! But I must say that returns and refunds are much better in the US.

exhausted again

Rough week with plenty to do but I'm more worried that I won't have the discipline to do what needs doing! Yes, I do work at the eleventh hour but this is cutting it close even for me. Here we go again!!

Fun things planned for the weekend: a proper windsurfing workshop and stand-up comedy. I should work hard so that I deserve those fun rewards.

I think I might need to go on an FB fast. Sigh.

run of the mill type of week

No drama to report, thankfully. I've been suffering from sinus allergies for the past 4 days and they aren't getting better so I'm a bit bummed. Went to an acupuncturist yesterday and it helped for a few hours but it got bad again just as I was trying to fall asleep and it was pretty bad this morning. I think it could be due to the pollution and I had a physically strenuous weekend so my immune system was probably a little compromised.

I went sea kayaking and windsurfing on Sat afternoon with a group from church--a few I had met before but they were mostly strangers--and then I played badminton that night as well as Sun night. My form wasn't at all good during windsurfing because I had no idea what I was supposed to do. The church friends who were teaching us adopted the get-up-and-go teaching technique and they didn't expect me to be able to get up and go in the first place much less go as far as I did. By the time I needed instructions for the step after "pull up the sail and hold on," I was already too far away to hear what they were shouting at me.

Well, my back was super sore from my bad form but I loved the experience so much I'm going to sign up for a proper workshop. The feel of skimming over the waves was unbelievable. And unlike skiing or snowboarding, making a mistake and falling over isn't punishing! You just fall into the water, that's all, you don't hit your head on hard packed ice or risk breaking a knee or falling of a cliff.

I spent last night refreshing FB for badminton scores my friends were posting. M'sia beat Denmark 3-2!! Everyone was on the edge of their seats incl me even though I couldn't see any of the action. That was tiring so I'm hoping someone with a webcam will be able to skype me into the TV action for the finals. Unfortunately, I'll be at church home group on Fri night when M'sia plays China in the semi's. BUT M'SIA HAS TO WIN AND GO ON TO THE FINALS!!!!

a little more clarity

(Continuation of thoughts from previous post.)

This season of life, I need to learn to take risks. When I was deciding about this job, I remember that I began to feel emotionally ready to make the move when the chair of the dept said over email that I should learn to take risks when I'm young. No American would've said it but it was something that moved me. And last night, during small group prayer at home church, the notion of taking risks really came to the fore for me.

So we'll see how things go. :)

decisions

I've been thinking about vocation for a long time and I've thought for a few months now that my time in here will be significant and I've finally figured out why. In some ways, I have a very strong personality and to some people at least, I come across as confident, talented, and decisive. Some who know me well will at least know that I may not always be as confident or decisive as I may seem. On the one hand, I respond very aggressively when threatened--at least I may feel threatened, others may not think they are threatening me--but being "aggressive" is not the same as being confident or sure of one's self.

I say this because even though sometimes I'm very clear about what I like or don't like--"No, I can't meet up with you tonight because I'm tired" or "No, I don't like to go to clubs, so you guys go have fun without me"--a part of me is still too much of a people-pleaser. I suspect this is why I'm in the field I'm in right now.

College was such a great time because I started learning well for the first time in my life (no thanks to the M'sian education system). I enjoyed my lessons and I excelled at them. I went on to grad school not knowing if I wanted to be an academic because my relationships with my teachers were so good. I stumbled most of my way through grad school because I didn't feel as nurtured and I didn't feel like I succeeded. Well, I lucked out and got into a postdoc program where I felt nurtured again and therefore felt like I was succeeding in my chosen profession! It is true that we all need feedback and we all need guidance and mentoring. But is that a good enough reason to keep working at it? I don't know.

To some degree, I walked through doors because they were open and it seemed reasonable to do so at the time and that is fine. But I feel so helpless in it all. Are my current employers going to offer me a contract renewal? If they don't, will someone else do so? My life seems very much in someone else's hands. And yes, I recognize God's hand in all of this. But his hand often seems so invisible. I've felt "fine" about my work only when I received affirmation from people in authority over me, and they happened to be smart, successful, caring, and wise women. But I can be a smart, successful, caring, and wise woman too without being in this line of work.

I don't know. I'm confused. But I will be praying for clarity. This period in my life will be "experimental" as in "let's see if I can do XYZ and be successful at it." Even if I decide at the end of this season of my life that I want to keep doing what I do, this time of careful searching will be valuable and necessary. (I hope.)

learning new things

What I love most about my life is the many different personalities that come in and out of my life. Not everyone hangs around for a long time and I've come to terms with that. I like friends who stick around for life but if someone is going to drop out of my life for a period, that's fine too. I just hope that I keep meeting new people who have vastly different life stories and/or personalities. The latter can be difficult sometimes but it does make life more fun.

Take this guy Col from my Sun night badminton group, for example. He's introduced a couple of us to another group that plays on Sat in Kowloon--quite far off and inconvenient but the level of play is higher--so we went out to dinner and then took buses there and back together so I got to learn more about him.

Col is exactly the kind of guy I grew up ... well, I kept my distance from people like him, to put it mildly. He smokes, goes clubbing, probably drinks heavily, and chases typical Asian beauties with big eyes, small faces, sharp chins, and soft voices. I'm only friends with Col now because we play badminton. I mean, I hate crowds, I don't really drink, and cigarette smoke makes me cough, so there's no way I'm going to go clubbing. (Actually now that I think about it, Col sounds a lot like my old xd partner, except that Arch's appreciation for feminine beauty fell on a wider spectrum and he was much less verbal about that appreciation.)

But what was interesting this past Saturday evening was watching Col charm everyone we met, including the (male) waiter at the kebab restaurant. Col has a beautiful fiancee in Japan (he showed me her pictures on his iphone) but he still checks out pretty girls on the street (I know because he points them out to me) and acts like a little rascal any chance he can get. He's a year older than I am but Col seems like such a kid. I am learning that he can be thoughtful about certain things, like how difficult it might be for his fiancee when she moves over to HK to marry him, or how to navigate his relationship with his dad since he's being trained to take over his dad's pharmaceutical business.

So, the old z would have been scandalized--and I do jokingly threaten to tell his fiancee about his roving eye--but it really is a whole lot of fun to hang out with him. I had to clarify though, that he should not pay for my dinner when we're out together. Okay, confession, it made me feel good that he offered and insisted so strongly but it wouldn't be right. I can see how nice it would be to hang out with guys who make it a habit to pay every time they're out with girls. But no, it wouldn't be fair so I will continue to hang on to my independence!!

I've noticed that I tend to be a lot more impatient with men especially if they seem irresponsible to me. I tend to either reply with sarcasm or just avoid hanging out with them. What I'm learning in this very new friendship is that--well, to some degree at least--I need to learn to trust these kinds of men a little more than I have in the past. Little boys do grow up after all and they don't grow up because some cranky b--yatch lashes out at them.

Still, I know that I am able to do it only because we're badminton friends, and Col's decisions have very little effect on my life. Oh well, baby steps!

Lord, I believe you are calling me in all the circumstances of my life, but there are times when your hand is difficult to recognise. The calling can sometimes come in a disagreeable shape, a sickness, bereavement, betrayal, loss of a job, a bout of insecurity. It does not look like a vocation but rather an unfortunate accident, or a failure on my part. But success is what I do with my failures. Each step on the way is part of God's calling. How do I handle deep distress? (Taken from this site, thanks to Sivin's FB post.)

This prayer isn't for me right now but for a friend with whom I'm walking through a tough patch. She is dealing with difficulties that I can't imagine going through myself and honestly, I hope I never have to go through such difficulties. There is not much I can do, especially from afar, and I can't imagine what anyone can do to help her carry her burden. It's one of those "dark nights of the soul" times when it seems like nothing good can happen.

Restless, frustrated, and bored. BAH.

fun monday night, hopefully

Well, it looks like I'm going to be out all night but one for the next nine nights in a row! Another old friend is flying into town for a meeting so we'll be having dinner on Tues. But Mon night's dinner will be fun because I'm getting together a group of friends . . . . for the purpose of matchmaking! Hah! It'll be my first attempt and it'll be fun for me. :)

A couple of guys from badminton will be going--I think they're single although one is a bit young--and the girls are friends from college and grad school. So really, there is only one eligible guy as W is in his early twenties, I think, but it'll be a little less stressful with him around. The guys think I'm just trying to use up a coupon for 40% of at Ruby Tuesday and it is true, I do need to use it, but my old college friend at least knows that I'm trying to get them to meet one another. How else are folks going to meet new ppl if not through their friends, right?

Anyway, I'm not seriously matchmaking but I am hoping we'll have fun!

a little explanation

I posted Nouwen's meditation late last night so I didn't get a chance to say something about it. A friend who is also single pointed out that "the loneliness will always be there." I think it's true that having great friends and a good church community helps with the loneliness but I also appreciate the frankness that acknowledges that it is not quite "the same." It is also true that there are a lot of married people who are very lonely and I wouldn't trade being single for a bad marriage for anything!

My point is, it helps to know that yes, despite all my efforts, I won't banish all the difficult emotions surrounding life--whatever that may be--and that I don't actually need to do so. Until I read my friend's unexpected message, I was being very hard on myself because . . . . I couldn't help feeling bad sometimes. I think I'm doing everything I need to do at this point. My life is full, I am learning, I'm meeting people, and I'm doing my best to live in the present. But even when you do all these things right, sometimes, you feel lonely or sad or afraid. Feeling these emotions isn't a sign of failure! Emotions come and go and as long as our desire for God orders all our other desires . . . . well, then. There is meaning to these emotions and the desires behind them. This meditation of Nouwen's helps us be the human beings that we've been created to be and that's why it brings freedom.

oh what a relief. this is so freeing

Daily Meditation for April 21, 2010
              written by Henri Nouwen

_........................................................._

Ordering Our Desires

Desire is often talked about as something we ought to
overcome.  Still, being is desiring:  our bodies, our
minds, our hearts, and our souls are full of desires. 
Some are unruly, turbulent, and very distracting;
some make us think deep thoughts and see great visions;
some teach us how to love; and some keep us searching
for God.   Our desire for God is the desire that should
guide all other desires. Otherwise our bodies, minds,
hearts, and souls become one another's enemies and
our inner lives become chaotic, leading us to despair
and self-destruction.

Spiritual disciplines are not ways to eradicate all our
desires but ways to order them so that they can serve
one another and together serve God.

living in the present

I wonder why being or remaining in the present is so important to our lives. Secular counseling recommends it, for the most part, as do a lot of major spiritual traditions either explicitly or implicitly. Some of the more effective ways of dealing with stress includes pausing and taking deep breaths, and being aware of our bodies or the world around us. It sounds like bad New Age advice but I wouldn't let New Ageism claim this very useful practice for itself!! But I must say that because of the Enlightenment, the Christian tradition hasn't really explored or developed good understandings about the body. Within Christianity, ideas about temporality seem to me to be more implicit than explicit although if I can speak off the cuff without censure, I'd say that past, present and future are equally important. It may be true of other traditions as well but well, I'm more interested in thinking as a Christian. :)

Remembering the past is important because those reflections can teach us about how much God has worked. I am particularly thankful for how I've been changed in the past decade or so. And it gives me hope for the future because I know that the God who has been with me in the past will continue to work in my life (Phil 1:6). Thinking about the future is important because it helps to know that "this" is not "it."

But how do I live with the "it," i.e. the present? How do I live with the present and all its disappointments and imperfections?

It's ironic that even though I can now look back on all those difficult "present times" that are now past and call them good, and even if I know that in the future when I look back on this very moment that is the now, I will call it good . . . it's so difficult to "be happy" about this moment. This isn't to say that I'm unhappy about being here. At least I don't think so. I recognize the blessings in the now of my life--even if holding on to that recognition is like slogging through a waist-high bog.

Oh heck, I might as well come out and say it. I'm not very happy about being single at this point. There. It's out in the open. Okay. It's probably unwise to say anymore than this on a blog.

stepping out

Gave a talk for the Asia Society here last night. About 100 ppl turned up for the talk--but wait! I was just the supporting speaker. An established documentary filmmaker had a presentation on her work for the Museum of Chinese in America and I was there to provide back-up historical narratives on the subject. It was my first time speaking in front of a non-academic audience and it mostly went well. I was pretty happy with how calm I was for most of it. I learned some things about being in the spotlight, haha!

But today, I'm just exhausted and can barely work on prep work for class later this week.

I need to take this very, very seriously

       Daily Meditation for April 11, 2010
              written by Henri Nouwen

_........................................................._

Authority and Obedience

Authority and obedience can never be divided, with some
people having all the authority while others only have to
obey.  This separation causes authoritarian behaviour on
the one side and doormat behaviour on the other.  It
perverts authority as well as obedience.  A person with
great authority who has nobody to be obedient to is in
great spiritual danger.  A very obedient person who has
no authority over anyone is equally in danger.

Jesus spoke with great authority, but his whole life was
complete obedience to his Father, and Jesus, who said to
his Father, "Let it be as you, not I, would have it"
(Matthew 26:39), has been given all authority in heaven
and on earth (see Matthew 28:18).   Let us ask ourselves:
Do we live our authority in obedience and do we live our
obedience with authority?

scam?

I walked into a pharmacy the other day to get something and I walked by the aisle where they keep heat pads for muscle aches. Right below the heat pads were "foot detox pads." I had seen them before years ago but thought it was a scam then. I don't know what possessed me to buy a box, but I did and have been sticking them plasters at the bottom of my foot for four nights in a row now! The pads were originally created in Japan, I think, but they seem to be widely popular everywhere now. (Everywhere meaning HK, Malaysia, and the US.)

I don't know if this is a 21st C version of snake oil but I do know that I've been waking up before my alarm rings since I started using the pads! It's really weird. I usually have trouble waking up and staying awake and since getting here I've just been so sleepy all the time. But I haven't felt sleepy at all in the last four days!!! Being wide awake just reminds me of all the work that I'm not doing but I suppose this means that the pads are detoxing something, whatever that something is.

You're supposed to use the pads daily for the first two weeks and after that, once a week is fine. So I decided to stick it out for two weeks as an experiment. Maybe I'm awake now because I've been fatigued and sleepy for 3 months and my body decided that it was done being sleepy for awhile. So all this wakefulness could be coincidence.

---

Well, maybe I wrote this too soon. I had to go home and take a 30 min nap because my head hurts for no apparent reason. It's a little better now but not much better.

happy news

I'm seeing my fourth set of old friends who are passing through HK! The first friend who visited is from LA, the second and third, from M'sia (but who are now based in Singapore and Australia), and this most recent set of old friends is a special set. They are special in the sense that I've only met them once before and that was about 10 yrs ago!

These "friends" are actually the parents and extended family of my former college bookstore supervisor! I worked as a cashier at the college bookstore when I was an undergrad and became friends with the staff at the store (about four of them). B-cky, one of my supervisors, invited me to visit her dad's and stepmom's home by the lake in New Hampshire one weekend so I went along and that's where I met M_ller and G_nny (and several others of the extended family).

M_ller and G_nny, and G_nny's sister D_ris are visiting a few countries in Asia and they are here in HK for a few days to meet up with G_nny's son and family (who are based in China) so B-cky told me about it. I had dinner with them last night, took them out to dim sum this afternoon and they're off to Disneyland tomorrow. I'll prob meet up with them on Thurs but we're not sure what we're doing yet. M_ller and D_ris are 87 yrs old so we're trying not to do too much walking!!!!!

They're all very sharp and alert even if M_ller walks very slowly with a cane and has trouble hearing. I was a little apprehensive about meeting up with them at first because, well, it's been 10 years since I first met them and I was worried about keeping them entertained. But it's been so much fun hanging out with them that I'm a little sad about not going to Disneyland with them--especially since they asked me on three different occasions over two meals if I want to go. Well, I don't really want to go Disneyland and I do have to write up my lecture for class this Friday but it would've been nice to see them more.

Moments like these remind me of how rich my life has been and how rich it has continued to be.

PS - I leave out a letter in names so that they don't come up in Google (even though in my settings I've disabled the search function--yes, I'm paranoid) but I want to use their real names so that I can remember them when I look back at this blog in the future! In past posts, I made up nicknames for people but then realized that I have no idea who they really are now!!!

It's been awhile since I last blogged, and that's mostly because I feel like I'm in a rut. Things keep happening but nothing really changes, so to speak, and I won't repeat myself yet again.

When I was praying with two other women at the end of a church home group meeting a couple of weeks ago, we got into a long discussion about my struggles with work and calling. It was my second time at the home group but it didn't stop the two women from asking questions and offering their thoughts! I liked it, actually. Some people might have felt they were too intrusive or interfering but given my pseudo super powers of invisibility, I appreciated the fact that they didn't "let me be." Anyway, they're both from the corporate world and one of them said, "Hey, in our work, we don't talk about whether or not someone's 'good enough.' We usually look for someone who is a 'good fit.'" In other words, my struggles with work might be a struggle of suitability.

A part of me think that's a euphemism. But another part of me wonders if they are right, and if they are . . . . well, what will that mean for the future????????

So, you see, things have happened but nothing has changed.

After the post below, I read this prophetic article.

seeing friends

After leaving _thaca, I've been getting back in touch with a lot of old friends! In the two months I've been here, I've had THREE visitors go through the country. Two stayed with me and I walked around with the third friend for the past two days. Even though I'm still trying to find my feet socially, I haven't really felt lonely--thanks also to an old college friend who is local here.

But Friend R who was in town the past few days observed that this city is a hard one on me. The income disparity here is very striking, more so than LA because well, everything's so densely packed here, you can hardly avoid it! And I think I feel it more here because I'm actually meeting wealthy ppl who are about my age (friends of friends). I know that there is immense wealth in LA too but well, those folks seemed to be a different species altogether. But now, it's different. The folks I'm meeting here are . . . . kind of like me. But they're rich. Most of them were also born into wealthy families to begin with but they are also making their own way now. R's friend made $140,000 in 3 months just from buying and selling an apt (that's outside his regular job as one of the top honchos at a financial consulting firm). That's about 2-3 times the annual salary of a young academic!

R knew before I did how much this knowledge is now a shock to my system. I make more now and I've been spending more too, but I also feel poorer as well. Isn't that ironic?

Gone are the days of cheap gym memberships and badminton clubs. :) Now I have to pay more for less. Of course, it's still great that I've finally found a couple of places where I can play even though the level of play is not very high. One group plays on sat nights and the other on Sun nights. Not ideal, but do-able. I've had to go to a chiropractor twice here but it's not covered by health insurance, boo. Sitting in my office chair makes my back sore even though my work station is already ergonomic. The pollution and weather here in HK is playing havoc with my skin so I just signed up for facial sessions. They aren't expensive by US standards but well, I could get by without facials when I was there. Food is a bit cheaper here but then again, I cooked simple, nutritious food when I was in the US and that was affordable. I've been too lazy to cook here so I've been eating out more. Need to get back to cooking for myself!! Clothes and shoes are more expensive here and it's been taking me a long time to figure out where to shop. I'm still looking. I may try to wait for my next trip home to shop for clothes.

Life isn't bad but R figured out that being in crowds makes both of us tired (bingo!). Still struggling to wake up in the morning to get work done. It's worrying me a bit.

boring

Still not much to report! Sleep, TV, and then furious prep work for lectures. I need to incorporate caffeine into my diet. Seriously. Might go to Shenzhen next weekend for a massage (not the sketchy kind) and a visit to a tailor. Someone offered to take me along when she goes there with her friends and I kinda do want to take up the offer. Except they are all a bit older than I am. Probably in their 40s if not 50s. :):) N's an award-winning documentary maker and she's going with her friend who runs one of the biggest family foundations in HK.

Yipes.

worry wart

Well, I'm back to worrying again. :) I'm still as sleepy as ever but I'm promising myself to kick my own butt soon . . . starting tomorrow? Next week?? Tomorrow, preferably, but no later than next week.

As I was falling asleep last night, I thought about how my focus on wanting to work out my faith in my work (?) might be misplaced. That is, most Christians want to be Christians in their workplace. Fundamentally, there must be a difference between a Christian teacher and a non-Christian teacher. Almost everyone agrees that Christian teachers should demonstrate the fruits of the Spirit in their workplace: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. I can think of many non-Christians who exhibit similar qualities but there's no reason why those of us who are Christians should continue to uphold these ideals in our own lives!

Many of us in secular professions--myself included--wonder how our beliefs will then shape the nature or subject of our work. For my part, perhaps I've been too literal in my interpretations of what that would mean. My thoughts on what my work might look like in a nonliteral sense are still too inchoate to share at this point.

But last night, I did wonder if the relation between work and faith might even take a turn on a much different tack. Rather than working out our faith in our workplace, might it be more fruitful to think of our work as uncovering our faith, as a part of God's designs? The former is good but I'm wondering now if the latter is equally as important. In other words, rather than worrying about writing on a subject matter that is explicitly Christian, my duty now is to do my job as best as I can and trust that in the process of doing so, it would continue to be a spiritual act of sorts. My thoughts are too rudimentary for me to pretend that this might be relevant to others in other vocations but it might be worth thinking through in my own circumstances.

I'm tired of being tired and that's all I'm going to say about it because I'm always complaining about the same things over and over again.

My lower back has been sore off and on for the last couple of weeks so I just made an appointment at the university's health center. I'm hoping to get a referral for a chiropractor in town who practices a similar method to the chiropractors I saw in Ith__ and L_. If not, I'd be happy with a physiotherapist. I haven't been exercising much and I blame the soreness on that. It's always hard to focus on work and this doesn't help.

On another note, I haven't been very good with my spiritual disciplines and I need to get back on track with that too.

I'm amused to see that one of my students at __LA has included me in her msg to family and friends regarding her email address change. Actually, it's very nice because I feel like a professional failure here in my new institution. Another one wrote me to tell me that he has just been accepted to a law school (although, frankly, I wrote the letter with trepidation--he is a very difficult character with not much compassion).

I thought I was over being homesick when I'm away from home but sigh, I guess I need to give this place more time to grow on me.

back again

I got back last night from a two-week break in M'sia and it really was a break in the sense that I didn't do any of the work that I was supposed to do. I literally slept, ate, and hung out with folks the entire two weeks. And now I really don't want to be here but I absolutely need to write my lecture for tomorrow. I really hate lecturing and much prefer seminar discussions.

Much to tell of my trip home but maybe after this lecture is done. I'll just say for now that parts of it were difficult but most of it was wonderfully relaxing after the re-entry shock was over. I still feel so freaking tired though.

blahs

Sorry for not posting much these days. I don't seem to be interested in much these days . . . besides sleeping! A friend from out of town visited last weekend so M-- took us around fun spots in HK and that was really fun. But since then I've been sleeping and watching TV. AGGGH. I need more discipline in my life.

Trying to get set up at the school's gym now even though the gym sucks and it's quite a long walk away. Walking is not a problem for me but with the pollution here, I'm not sure walking--especially on the street--is a good form of exercise. Glad to hear that China is taking the lead in green energy research because they sure need it!!!!! The problem is, most people in power can afford to isolate themselves in little bubbles so that they never have to deal with things like pollution and high rent. It drives me nuts.

Settling in

I really love "A Slice of Infinity" because every now and then, one of their meditations will change the way I think. Here's a snippet from one of their recent posts:

To discover that there is a face inherently present behind many of the failures we long to forget, a Spirit within the crushed and wounded scenes we try our best to put behind us, and a voice that speaks over and above the cries that have indelibly marked our journey, is to experience the restorative hope of the creator who intended us to discover Him all along. The words of the psalmist describe waking to this knowledge: "It was not by their sword that they won the land, nor did their arm bring them victory; it was your right hand, your arm, and the light of your face, for you loved them" (Psalm 44:3). Our days are marked with the intention of one who loves us. Our winding journeys are a means to the face of God.

My adjustment to my new city has been easier than expected and life here gets easier by the day and I know I'm lucky that it does. But every now and then, everything will seem strange and forbidding and all I want to do is go back home to KL. I just have to remind myself that God is here too and He is still with me.

I'm eating a lot of new foods and I'm very glad M_y is here. Without her friendship, I know I would be far lonelier. (M_y's an old friend from college who is a Hongkie.)

new beginnings. again.

I got here safe and sound on Saturday morning and was apt-hunting by the afternoon. I think I've decided on an apt and I'm waiting for the real estate agent to haggle the rent down a bit more. The apt has a pink-ed room (furnishings and fixtures) and it will really grate on my nerves if I can't figure out a way to hide most of that pink.

Anyway, the transition has been much easier than I expected. I'm not from here and I haven't spent a lot of time here but I feel a lot more comfortable than I thought I would. But I also feel uneasy. I'm trying to remember that I first felt uncomfortable in all the different cities I've lived in the past 10 years! I even hated LA when I first got there and of course, after 6 months, I loved living there. I'll never grow fond of its traffic and I don't think I'll ever grow fond of this city's air pollution but I already appreciate its food and transportation system. I haven't ventured out much into other parts of the city yet although I will go shopping for a new cell phone tomorrow in a popular shopping district. Everyone I've met--even strangers on buses and streets!--has been very kind, helpful, and friendly.

I like the building my dept is housed in and I like my office too! I can't wait to get settled in an apt so that I can concentrate on teaching. There's quite a bit of red tape associated with settling into a new institution and country but again, everyone's been very helpful and they've really tried to make the process easier.

Just the same, my new city is still a mystery. That's not so much of a surprise but it's hard to see how I fit in and that makes me anxious. I skyped with an old friend from grad school yesterday and she said, well, yes, you can't expect to feel as if you've lived there for years! This is another exercise in patience, and as it turns out, Nouwen's daily meditation for the day is precisely on patience. Serendipity.

ps - Most ppl I've met so far assume that I'm a student and are surprised to find out that I'm a teacher. This means I need a makeover.

----

Daily Meditation for January 5, 2010
            written by Henri Nouwen

_........................................................._

Living the Moment to the Fullest

Patience is a hard discipline. It is not just waiting until
something happens over which we have no control: the arrival
of the bus, the end of the rain, the return of a friend, the
resolution of a conflict. Patience is not a waiting
passivity until someone else does something. Patience asks
us to live the moment to the fullest, to be completely
present to the moment, to taste the here and now, to be
where we are. When we are impatient we try to get away from
where we are. We behave as if the real thing will happen
tomorrow, later and somewhere else. Let's be patient and
trust that the treasure we look for is hidden in the ground
on which we stand.

unexpected friendships

This morning, I had a goodbye breakfast with K, a senior prof in polit_c_l the_ry whose office is in my dept because she also teaches there and in _nglish. My time here has been really wonderful for all sorts of reasons and I've particularly enjoyed meeting up with old friends and making new ones. My friendship with K has been the most surprising though, mostly because of differences in rank, age, and personality.

And it is true that K might not have had the time to talk to me or share meals if she had a partner and/or kids but it is also true that she spends a great deal of time working--by choice--and she generously made space for me in her busy schedule. Friendships can only grow if you make time for one another (can't remember who said it) and I'm glad that we had offices on the same floor, or we wouldn't have become friends. You can't really ignore someone when you're the only two people on the floor at 9pm.

I'm always anxious before I hang out with someone, even if I've been friends with that person for years. But I think I'm getting better at living with that short time of anxiety. Anxiety is an emotion and emotions come and go, as Wai, my therapist at C_rnell would say. ;)

Anyway, I brought this up because K gave me tips about what to do or not do when preparing to lecture--I've only taught small, discussion-based seminars--and at the end of that conversation, she said, "Oh, and one more thing. Don't be afraid to fail."

I looked up at her and said, "It's funny you said that. When I first started this postdoc, one of my goals was to learn to allow myself to fail!" Then, I looked back down and continued scribbling on my napkin. She muttered something I didn't quite catch and she didn't want to repeat it at first, but finally she said, "I said, 'I am not stupid.'"

I pretended not to understand because I was starting to tear up. To be known is a wonderful feeling and that must be how God intended our relationships to be. To be known by old friends is the best thing about keeping up friendships over the years. To be known by new friends is . . . . well, good, but a little scary too, in a way.

Most of my packing is done now although I have more to do later tonight after I've done my final load of laundry. I hope with all my heart that everything will fit in my bags and that I won't have anymore surprises. Canceling out on the M_A conference earlier this week was a really good decision because I got to rest and pack at a leisurely pace. I would've liked to see my friends there but I think my body would have collapsed from exhaustion. I'm pretty much done with the syllabi for my new classes too, so that is a relief.

Probably won't be online much tomorrow so this will likely be my last post from here! My flight leaves on Jan 1, 12:05am.