unbelievable

I am having an "Are you STOOOPID????!!!" moment at work. Of course, sometimes I am stupid too, and write dumb things that need to be revised. But this kind of frustration is the kind of frustration you get with people who are supposed to know better but ask me questions as if they never graduated high school.

People don't just parent children, folks. People parent grown adults who should know better. There's a reason why the phrase "shit for brains" exists. Seriously.

Alright, I know I need to pause and pray. But I just really had to get that out there.

Old friends

Batesies in town. Loving it!

Back in church

What is my stone of remembrance? What has God done in my life?

(HK edition, of course.)

Terracotta diffuser

I finally found one and it was only 10 HKD! Too bad it's heart shaped.

Oct 6

Faculty and staff held a silent protest against Beijing's interference with academic freedom. Thankful for my head of school for taking the lead, for my mentor and senior colleagues for taking a stand, and the bravery of fellow junior faculty, staff, and students. I have much to learn about courage, humility, and gentleness from my betters.

Again

This is another season of faith. Can I surrender? What would it mean to trust God with the outcome? What do I keep in my schedule and what do I let go? Can I work harder? Does trusting God mean trying like crazy? How do I manage my time and energy?

I pray for faith to know and believe without doubts this year that God is good regardless of what happens. I pray for wisdom and strength to make good choices. By myself, I cannot.

my crazy weekend

My previous GP once told me, "You can't be disciplined all the time. You need to do crazy things once in awhile.....or you'll become like the British!" It's a joke, of course, but the idea is that we can't always be completely disciplined or we'll become repressed. So, I had a crazy weekend.

It consisted of buying groceries, folding laundry, mopping the floor, and cooking on Saturday in the morning, then napping and TV in the afternoon, then badminton and dinner after badminton. Sunday was even crazier. I skipped church. Napped and watched TV until 5pm at which point I went out to Mongkok to buy new barefoot-style sandals--and bought a pair for mom too--then a too-expensive hotpot dinner with Elm and Ram. We talked until 12am, which meant I only got to go to bed at 2am.

Yeah, this is craziness to me.

But it was fun hanging out and talking for so long. I felt like I was in college again.

Now, I really need to get back on track. How can I be sleep deprived when I stored up so much sleep?

Work

....is so hard. Seriously, this is a tough job.

I can't focus.

I need to focus.

I need to write.

Help......

new sports

I decided to join my church's dragon boat team because so many of my friends are addicted to the sport, and went to a social paddle on Sunday. I was convinced I would hate it, but it turned out to be pretty fun and it's nice to be out on the water. I'm sure I won't think it's so fun once it starts getting cold but hopefully there won't be too many cold days.

My legs were completely exhausted after two hours, and the day after, my butt felt like it had been flogged. But I think I already made a few new friends, and we're planning on going camping together in a couple of weeks. That's a win in my book!

I told May that this means I have to rearrange my badminton schedule and cut down on badminton. She said, "Finally!"

badminton community

Bersih 4

Praying for folks back home

HK visitors

As always, I get a ton of visitors in HK, and this summer was no exception: Irene, Al and family, Jenny S. (Liz's friend), Beh, Esther, Adria (technically she is from out of town if she lives in SG with her family now), and Wen. What's really stressful this year is how most of them are visiting in the last two weeks of the summer.

The last two weeks before ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE again. They should've come in June is all I'm saying. Can I get a ticket to a deserted island, please?

Hot

It is not as hot these days but I sweated the most last night this entire summer. Even though it didn't feel hot, sweat was literally dripping off my shorts.

But man, I love this game.

Also thankful for a smart and kind boss, and colleagues who take the time to read drafts. They're indispensable.

Panic

Stress levels have gone WAY UP again. I really need to calm down. I'm thankful that I'm reconnecting with some old friends and in a meaningful way, and I'm very thankful for kind and supportive senior colleagues. But it ain't fun to be on the receiving end of critiques. Very thankful that they are taking the time to look through some of my shorter documents, but I wish this process were over. For someone who hates criticism, I sure as hell chose the wrong profession!

(And if you tell someone you have "lots of comments," please don't delay in setting up an appointment to talk it over because the other person won't be able to relax until she or he finds out what those comments are!)

surprises

Someone who I thought was an enemy at work turned out to be really supportive at a meeting yesterday, and I think she may be wondering why I haven't sought her out earlier. I explained that I try not to impose too much on any one person's time. We may see the world in very different ways and don't really understand one another well, but in her own way, she wants to be supportive and kind.

My boss has also been extremely supportive and kind, and that's a really wonderful experience to have. So while I did start of the week with a loss--I've never broken a racket before--things are looking up. It's nice to have an upward trend. But I really should be more focused at work too. Oh, August.

Not serving

This past year, I took a break from serving at church because it was a tough year at work. I was glad I didn't have to serve because it turned out to be a really tough year at work.

But I realized that I also became very self-centered in my allocation of time. I did try to make time for friends. Still, I think it is important to start serving again.

I have not figured out how and in what ways though. It's going to be another hard year at work.

Miracles

Yes, I believe God heals and performs miracles. But when? And why does he not perform miracles 100% of the time? It's remarkable to watch the faith of those praying for miracles. That is a miracle in itself.

This is a big one, Lord, so please show up in a big way.

When injured

Helped out a friend by attending an event she was running and got pampered at the same time.

Injured again

I am really getting old. Have to take a week of to rest my arm.

In the meantime, I made kaya. It's a little too sweet but the taste is phenomenal. I am going to try a different recipe next time though.

I learned a few things about Cantonese culture at the memorial service:

- the Cantonese prefer to wear black, while a Hokkien HK friend says they prefer to wear lighter--but not

bright--colors.

- visitors will be given a little envelope with three items, none of which should be brought home: a one dollar coin, a piece of candy, and a piece of tissue. the dollar coin is returned after the service as a donation (not to the family), and the candy has to be consumed before you leave. the candy is meant to bring some sweetness to the bitterness of saying goodbye.

- individual donations to the family of the deceased have to be given by the individual and cannot borrowed, and you can't ask a friend to give it on your behalf in advance. 
- the sum given must be an odd number; our group of friends each gave HKD 101.00, for example. even numbers usually represent joy and celebration.
- upon arrival, guests in small groups will bow three times to the deceased, and once to the family. at the end of the service, the bows are repeated before you leave.

- not everyone will attend the service because it is not an "auspicious" event. some may come just to give their bows and may leave immediately after that.

- my friend refused to drive his car to the service because he didn't want to inadvertently bring "strangers" home with him, if you know what i mean. similarly, you shouldn't go home directly from the funeral home, so we went out for dinner after. 

i'm sure my family had slightly different rituals as we are Hokkien, but i won't know what those are, hopefully not for a little while. i don't think my heart can bear another loss for the next....couple of years or so, at least? 

conversations about death

Conversations during a memorial service last Sunday. I didn't know the deceased personally, and went to the service out of friendship for the club leader who is the deceased's godson.

Me: I don't think I want to be friends with you guys when you're all older.

Ray: Why? Because you don't want to see us.....

Me: Yeah.

Me: When I pass on, I don't think there will be so many people at my service.

Ray: I'll come to yours! But you have to let me know!

Me: Sure, I'll let you know through a dream.

In Cantonese, it's "I will send you a dream," where the deceased visits the living through a dream. Of course, I'm not so sure that I will be visiting anyone once I am Home, but it's the thought that counts.

Once, I had a dream where my maternal grandmother visited me in HK, and we went to a mall in TST. My grandmother could walk in my dream--no arthritis?--and she took the escalators with me and gazed around the mall as we went up to the next floor. I told my mom about my dream but she didn't say anything in reply. A year or so later, she told one of my aunts the story during Chinese New Year and said to my aunt, "How would z know that [my grandmother] loved to shop?"

I didn't know that my grandmother loved shopping (I hate it and assumed that she would too), and clearly, my grandmother probably didn't visit me in my dream. But I like thinking about it as if she did.

growing old

Bought my parents some books, and they were happy and excited. I guess there's no denying that the tables are turning now.

Names of God

What would it mean to think of God as "competent"? I know that sounds cold and silly, but I think it's helpful for me to think about it as such. I worship a "competent" God.

LOL.

June

The school year has come to an end, and while I spend the first couple of weeks of June with a headache and feeling half-dead, at least I'm starting to feel more human now. Coming into the office doesn't feel like hell anymore, mostly because I spend most of my time reading this month.

And... I get to play a little more baddy. Long live summer!!

end of semester blues

Learning to let negative feelings run their course, and hoping that I don't bite, scratch, or bark at the people around me in the meantime. Grades have been turned in, and while I have more administrative work to do, the worst of it is over. And it's strange how our mind/body/emotions crumble when it knows it can do so with relatively few consequences.

I really wish I could go on vacation, but flying takes a pretty heavy toll on my body and it takes me awhile to get back on track. So. Here's hoping that I'll get a lot of writing done this summer. Because I don't think I actually have a choice about that.

Wishing I were in Maine though.

delusions

Why did I think life would be easier as we get older?

Although, research is now proving that those of us who make it to our 50s and beyond tend to become happier and calmer, and all sorts of other good things. I guess I just have to hang in there until then.

Post-baddy hangout

crawling

Good news: mostly done with the major revisions for this part of the project.

Bad news: my brain is refusing to work.

I guess this means I should just focus on wading through that mountain of student papers that need to be graded.

So tired. Really tired. Hopefully, I will be able to work out in the gym this weekend and get back on court next week.

Oh yeah, more good news: no insomnia for the past few weeks. I hope I'm not jinxing me. I think it's the schisandra extract.

We're not even at the end...

My body feels so rundown that I'm canceling all exercise and badminton for the next week or so. And I'm not even supposed to rest yet because we still have so much to do.

Sooooo muuuccchhhhh......

Dammit.