Culver city

A beautiful May morning. Thankful for the hospitality and the friendship that made this trip possible.

Closing of a chapter

The Mellow Felons are officially coming to an end.

FL and SMS developed a space for generosity and rigor in a line of work that is not always very hospitable.

Getting ready for the conference

The conference room at a friend's apartment building in SaMo.

The amuse bouche. 7 year old soy sauce.

We were worried when we saw it, but the course turned out plentiful.

That's a lesson to me. God is a God of abundance.

Fancy Korean restaurant

Went to a fusion Korean restaurant in Samcheongdong and the food was amazing. The flavors came together in unexpected ways.

The waiter was so innocent and sweet, and the chef was charismatic.

I hope I have the chance to bring my mom here in the future.

Isaiah 41:8-10

“But you, Israel, are my servant.
    You’re Jacob, my first choice,
    descendants of my good friend Abraham.
I pulled you in from all over the world,
    called you in from every dark corner of the earth,
Telling you, ‘You’re my servant, serving on my side.
    I’ve picked you. I haven’t dropped you.’
Don’t panic. I’m with you.
    There’s no need to fear for I’m your God.
I’ll give you strength. I’ll help you.
    I’ll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you.

fingertips

Sometimes, getting through the blues means sticking with the task despite the lack of clarity.

And trusting in God's provision. Because throughout this project, I've continued to be surprised by the provisions of grace.

Still, the anxiety doesn't got away.

I should be thankful that we serve a faithful God whose covenants have nothing to do with my feelings.

Dare You to Trust My Love

sports psychology

I'm trying out something I learned from reading a book about sports psychology and mental toughness. Every time I feel stressed out by work, I tell myself: "It's okay, you like challenges" and "This is tough but you'll grow from this."

Positive body language also helps. So I need to sit, stand, or walk with confidence as if I enjoy this challenge.

It sounds kinda kooky, but I'll try anything so long as it is legal.

T

"Faith requires stepping into a vacuum." ~ Henry Cloud

We need to surrender and prune some things from our life, not because they're bad, but because we have a vision for our life.

Hebrews 11: 1

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for, and confidence in what we do not see.

If there is a loss, we grieve. But we grieve trusting in the character of God.

epiphanies

"We are fearful because we mistake glimpses for reality." -- Pastor Rick.


This is the most powerful warning I've heard against synecdoche.


1 Corinthians 13:12

For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

The definition of theory

dreams

I don't trust dreams, and I don't trust feelings. But I'm learning to "befriend" my feelings now as Mar suggests. (It's either that or go crazy.) We stay.

Last night, I dreamed that I asked someone what "Coachella" means. I was given an answer, but I don't remember what it was.

I think it'll take a lot for me to trust dreams.

Go ahead, God, do your best. See if that changes.

apropos of nothing

Feelings suck.

Saturday

It's hard to find sermons that present a fresh take on the Easter story. But I like this one by John Ortberg about the importance of Saturday in the Easter weekend.

Good Friday

Ark is a welcoming community.

Ark social

I stand by my words.

I love spring

I love the warmer but still cool temperatures and the feeling that the trees and flowers are coming into wakefulness. The humidity is less welcome.

New massage tool

Love this for releasing neck muscles. Introducing the Blackroll twister. Lighter than styrofoam, harder than a tennis ball.

work politics

LP says there's one of those in every work place, and gave an apt description of The Toxic Colleague, "People like these take any comment or criticism very personally and feel easily threatened. So best to keep interaction to a minimum."

So true. I think it was very interesting that TTC asked EY to "talk" to me. I'm glad TTC didn't approach me personally.

But I also see that EY is the one with the extra work--emotional and actual--because of this situation.

I continue to learn a lot and I realized that while we need to make clear statements without fear during discussion, there is no way to convince people like TTC. So in the next meeting, my goal is to say what I need to say if I want to say something, ask questions that I need to ask if I have questions, and then do not engage in debate. I will vote the way I want to vote, and TTC never listens to anyone else anyway so why both with discussion?

My goal is to keep the meeting as short as possible.

oh wait

The past few days have been tough because of what we had to do in our meetings, and it was a big trigger for me. I realized that I need to do a better job of putting some distance between me and my colleagues' emotions.

But I also realized that many people around me are supportive. They are sane, logical people who realize that problems need to be solved in a professional manner. (And gosh, in any case, I'm definitely not the problem in this situation.)

Mar was so great at talking me through what I call my night of irrationality. EY was a calm presence who tries to see things from everyone's perspective as generously and as fairly as she can. It was so helpful to hear her read of the situation. T kept the process moving forward. We haven't had a chance to chat, and I would like to but I don't know if it's appropriate. But EY mentioned that T is supportive and on an intellectual level, I know it too. N is still a mostly unknown entity but she seems sweet and very generous right now.

I have a lot to be very thankful for.

Old friend

DD88 cracks me up. And after all these years, she still remembers who I truly am. She's loves generously and without holding back. God has really blessed me with friends who speak their hearts and who are capable of so much more love than I am.

Stomach pains

I also learned this weekend that saying "No" at work terrifies me. All my mentors have told me that this year I need to say no whenever people try to get me to take up administrative work that no one wants to do, and I had to learn to do that this weekend.

It was the safest, best possible scenario for me to say no--which isn't saying that it was all rainbow and flowers--but the decision also took hours of agony to make followed by hours of agony that haven't quite gone away yet. Basically, it still makes my stomach hurt when I think about it.

Wtf, gender roles, wtf. Because hey, a woman needs to say no. N. O. No.

Weekend? What weekend? Who had a weekend?

But being privy to different people's thoughts, I also realized that everyone wants Boss to do what they think is the right thing. Someone in that position must be on the receiving end of so many contradictory demands that it really must be maddening.

Now that I'm thinking about it, when Boss first sat in on our meetings, he was always calm and unruffled. He still tries to be fair in our meetings now, but he's starting to show annoyance and irritation a little more. And the people can be quite a handful:

1. Always angry and incensed, and sees problems everywhere but never brings any solution to the table.

2. Always takes any disagreement as the possible start of WWIII, and begins almost every discussion as an attack hound. Very divisive even when there is no need to be. And there's even a biblical warning on divisive people (Titus 3:10)!!!!

3. Gets angry about the weirdest things, mostly out of insecurities imho. This person needs clear rules about how things done or otherwise feels unsafe and thus becomes very distracted from other kinds of work. I'm sympathetic to this person because I like clear rules too and our dept has been incredibly chaotic and disorderly ever since I've been here. But we all have to roll with it, and ignore as much as possible.

Person no. 4 is new and so far hasn't said much but I'm hopeful that s/he is more sane and fair than other personalities have been in the past.

We are a mess.

The meeting happened on Friday afternoon, we spent most of the weekend making a few more decisions over email, and it's now Monday afternoon, but I can't stop thinking about it either.

lessons after a dept meeting

I think I figured out what it is that bothers me about a particular colleague. This person sees every disagreement with him/her as a personal attack and the people who disagree with him/her as his/her enemies. It is a singularly childish and immature attitude to bring into the work place, especially in work places where policies and decisions have effects on many different constituencies and stakeholders. We can't protect X at the expense of Y.

And to me, this person who is closer to retirement than the rest of us is not only immature, but also foolish because this person consistently and constantly takes a combative approach to disagreements with colleagues who would be much better positioned as allies rather than adversaries. His/her actions create animosity, resentment, and deep fatigue for everyone, and personally, I have zero desire to work with him/her in the future because I have zero trust in his/her judgement, character, or collegiality.

But this teaches me valuable lessons about how professional success cannot be achieved alone. As teachers, our work in the classroom may depend primarily on ourselves, and much of writing also depends on what we can do. But even in both these contexts, we depend on the grace and generosity of mentors, tutors, and of course, from readers and students. Administrative work that is part of the life of all institutions is far beyond the purview of any single person no matter how kind, wise, or dedicated that one person is. And if that person has not built up kind feelings over the years, that person will fail. Spectacularly.

(Well, not always. The position of power still guarantees some privileges. But in the long run, that person has a much higher chance of failing than succeeding.)

dept meeting on Friday

I think I need to keep this front and center when I go into the meeting room this Friday. If someone is not teachable, i.e. they don't listen or are not open to feedback, we set limits and consequences. Working in a group means having to be open to feedback; no one person can get his or her way all the time or any of the time. I suppose I am utilitarian when it comes to dept politics: the greatest possible good for the greatest possible number. 

Personal projects and personal gain? Yeah, I guess it works if you're the one in power but eventually that just won't work anymore at which point you might need intensive surgery to remove whatever hard, impermeable object is stuck in the deep dark recesses of your body.

Mentor K

So thankful for the many amazing people God has brought into my life during this journey. Can I ask that this continues and never ends?

"You've never done this before, so you can't assume that you know how to do it."


My whole body relaxed when I heard her say this. She's right. How do I know when all I've seen is the finished product and nothing of what goes on behind the scenes?

Our Father who is the God of time, please be with me and teach me what it means to work knowing that You are holding me close. I'm not holding You close to me; You are.

Jeremiah 33:2-3

"This is what the Lord says, he who made the earth, the Lord who formed it and established it--the Lord is his name: 'Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.'"

The Lord is faithful and keeps His promises.

Baddy

What a week

It's been a dramatic week.

Met with my new counselor to work on stress management. She's really good and I learned a lot in our session.

Met with a new dermatologist who says my eczema is not "simple" eczema, and is a "rather severe allergic reaction." We'll be looking at blood work and after the symptoms are addressed, I may have to consider patch testing in the future. But the great news is that oral and topical steroids are alleviating a lot of the torment I've been living with for the past 3-4 weeks. Who needs fancy bio-weapons when you can just induce immune-related disorders?

Working with my ms workshop director who thinks a re-orientation of the project will work better. I agree with her, but now I'm looking at substantial work over the next few months. But wow, she's so amazing....I'm a fangirl all over again. Seriously, how are these women (and some men) so wonderful, kind, and smart?

And I have dinner and a play to go to tomorrow night. Fun alongside what seems to be a never-ending grind.

So yeah, it's been dramatic. Despair. Pain. Hopelessness. Frustration. Insight. Healing. Friendship. Mentoring. Courage. Fun.

All in less than seven days....maybe there's reason to believe in young earth theology, after all.

My cute city