closing out 2010

chrismas and new year

Christmas this year reminded me to wait and to let go, and I think that will be a good thing to practice as I enter 2011. Best to you and yours as you reflect on 2010 and welcome 2011!

perspective

One of my childhood friends observed recently in an email that I seem to be constantly stressed but also that I always seem to make it through. Maybe, she wondered, it's because God is so amazing in my life, unlike in hers. This observation stopped me in my tracks because my friend is right. God has been amazing in my life but deep down inside, I have trouble believing that He will keep providing. Some day, the boom has to fall and I'll find out that God will just let go.

That is not true. God will be faithful.

As insightful as my friend YW was, she was wrong about one thing. God is also amazing in her life. We're both guilty of not seeing how He has worked and continues to work with both power and gentleness in both our lives.

I'm very much looking forward to attending Christmas eve service tonight and renewing my vows to the God who is not only all-powerful and all-knowing, but who is also all-loving.

up north

My old boss from LA was in M'sia for a conference and then we went on a research trip up north. Here we are at the Peranakan Museum!

blast from the past

One of my committee members co-organized a symposium held here at my institution, which means I got to say hello and have a brief conversation with him. It's been, what, 2.5 years since I left Ith__ ?? I didn't realize how long 2.5 years really feels until he hugged and kissed me on the cheek. I sat in on most of the panel discussions for today (had to attend dept meetings yesterday, ugh) but I had to leave the room before the roundtable ended because I couldn't bear to say goodbye in person. He was sitting at the head of the table so I stood at the back of the room until he noticed me, then I waved goodbye.

back in HK again

I've been gone 3 weeks but I feel like I've lived a lifetime in those three weeks. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing yet but I certainly enjoyed my time back home. Now I'm back to a lot of....running around. I'm trying desperately to remain calm, make lists of what I need to do, check items off as I do them, and trust that everything will go well.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm more negative than I need to be--if you think so, do let me know!!--or if I need to change some things about my life. Okay, off I go to a meeting that starts in a couple of minutes.

I get home on the 26th, and I'm hoping there are still tickets left for either the 27th or the 28th!!! This woman is absolutely brilliant!!

transition again

No, I'm not really going anywhere. I'm just marking the point when I began to think seriously about having to step up to the plate and take care of people whom I usually think of my caretakers in general. No, this is not really about my parents but it will be in the future. I'm not exactly responsible for taking care of another adult at this point but I had to think about it in the past few days and it was terrifying.

The thought provoked emotional distress for reasons that cannot be named in public but since I don't have to assume too much responsibility for my parents--which will be emotionally difficult--immediately, I have time to prepare myself for the eventual day.

What started me on all this? Something very small happened and I'm glad it did because my emotional reaction was overblown and consequently, I was forced to stop and think about it. I'm glad I'm thinking about this now because if something unexpected like a sudden illness had happened, I would have been completely unprepared to become the adult I will eventually have to become.

almost there

TWO MORE WEEKS OF TEACHING and then I leave for a 3-week research trip in M'sia!! (My brother will be staying in my apt, so if there are any would-be burglars out there reading this post, please don't even try.) I know I shouldn't post about trips before I take them but I can't help it!!! I cannot wait for the semester to end!

Both my classes went very well this week but I'm tired of writing lectures, giving them, and of grading. I need a break! When I started the semester, I was writing 9-page single-spaced lecture notes. This week, I realized that I can actually get by on 4 pages. I guess I'm learning how to think and talk on my feet! At points, I realized that I didn't truly understand parts of the text myself until I had to figure out different ways to explain difficult concepts to the students.

I'm learning a lot from my time here but I'm tired and I still have two deadlines that I have to meet this week and I can't just waste time surfing the net today!!!! Please, God, let me be productive! All day meetings with MA students tomorrow (Saturday), so it looks like I'm still going to be pretty tired when Monday comes around. Sigh.

cooler weather

Been busy with family visiting. Then an academic friend from outside HK arrived in town for a short research trip and had to bunk with me for a night after she started getting bug bites at her cheap hotel. (She has since moved to a nicer, cleaner hotel.) Another good friend will be flying in tomorrow with her two kids and helper, and all of them will be staying with me until Sunday.

I've also been busy with writing a research grant proposal that will be very important for my position here in the university and it's been rough but I just need to make one or two more tweaks and it will be off my hands for good. I do need to finish an essay this weekend and it is only about a quarter written at most so that is very stressful. Add all that onto my normal teaching/grading load and I've just about had it with this semester. Cannot wait for it all to end but I know that once the semester ends, I'll have to grade exams and papers!!!!

My shoulder has improved a lot but the doc said that I still need to be careful when I exercise because I'm still at the stage when I can easily re-injure the shoulder. So I still haven't been able to play badminton and that makes about a month now. And I think I'm coming down with that cold that has been spreading like wildfire on campus, so no exercise until I feel better. To say that I'm feeling grumpy is to put it mildly but ..... I suppose I can be thankful for family and friends. And that even though the weather is cooler now, it's really not all that cold. (But yes, I do feel cold!!)

lesson #284945

I learned that when you have an injury, you sometimes feel like it will never heal, that the pain will never go away, and that you will never be able to do what you love again. Luckily, the shoulder sprain isn't too serious so I am feeling better and it is a very good feeling to have. I love being able to move more or less normally again!

My shoulder is still weak so I'm exercising with caution, and will only use very light weights so far. After a couple of days of exercise, some soreness is returning and that's making me a bit anxious. Hopefully my physiotherapist will have good news for me when I see her next week. I hope what I'm experiencing is a normal part of the healing process and not a sign that I've developed a chronic injury.

I promise to no longer be lazy about stretching my upper body!!

ps - the number of this post was random. this saves me from actually having to keep track of a series!

difficult

From Henri Nouwen's "Here and Now":

"Imagine your having no need at all to judge anybody. Imagine your having no desire to decide whether someone is a good or bad person. Imagine your being completely free from the feeling that you have to make up your mind about the morality of someone's behavior. Imagine that you could say: 'I am judging no one!' Imagine--wouldn't that be true inner freedom?" (60).

"But--we can only let go of the heavy burden of judging others when we don't mind carrying the light burden of being judged!" (61).

This is difficult to do because we are often surrounded by people who are abusive, manipulative, or who are so emotionally unhealthy as to be destructive to others. A part of me cannot suspend judgment even if I do recognize that such a suspension is necessary because it brings freedom to the self (and to others to, but more to the self). My conclusion? I think that Christianity is a faith that asks for a lot, and it is a faith that requires of its adherence a whole lot more of giving away of self than any other belief system (religious or not).

sick and tired

Well, it looks like I won't be allowed to exercise with my arm for at least another week. It's tough when you can't work out to get rid of stress!! October is a rough month for me because I have two work-related deadlines besides teaching prep. And my MA students are turning in short papers next week--50 papers to grade over Fall break!

I'm thankful for.....the good weather we've been having! Sun and blue skies today, plus cooler winds....(but no windsurfing allowed, aagggh!) Just kidding. I'll stop with the complaints now.

Blood drive on campus this week so I'll donate tomorrow and take time to rest after that. If I don't get enough rest, I'll probably get sick soon. Leading my church home group in lectio divina on Friday evening.

injured

My shoulder has been hurting for a couple of weeks and I finally went in to see the physiotherapist who told me not to do any exercise that requires vigorous movements or heavy lifting with my right arm for 1-2 weeks. I've never hurt my shoulder before and when she told me I shouldn't play badminton this weekend, my head had a hard time processing her words.

I think I sprained my shoulder from a combination of carrying heavy bags of groceries and books, trying to learn a blocking move in wing chun, and from falling so much (and therefore needing to pull the sail up) during my windsurfing course and exam. Two weeks isn't very long at all but it feels like a century. She did say that if my should seems better next week, I may be able to play again. I've never ever been told that I cannot play because of an injury and the pain's not fun to live with. In the meantime, I'm taking ibuprofen with my meals, icing my shoulder when I can, and stretching it gently when my arm starts to feel numb from working at the computer.

 I can't imagine how people who have chronic pain live their lives because I am grumpy enough as it is.

no way!!!

Now this op-ed has turned everything I ever thought about colds upside down and inside out.

good times II

(This post is about making a note of blessings when I actually do feel thankful for them.)

I'm very thankful for the mentors I have had. That I have met and known, and continue to know, so many wonderful people--mentors and peers--is the singular blessing of my life. I will always be amazed by the lives of those who have been generous with their stories. The problem with my life in HK so far is that the people I meet are relatively homogenous. This is not to say that my friends here don't have amazing life stories. They do. And I'm sometimes meeting Chinese who come from places other than HK. But I'm not meeting the people who are so radically different and who nonetheless still connect with me at some deep level. Does that make sense? I guess I'm taking for granted that I am already making friends here in HK. But something's missing, and I think it's that I'm not making deep connections across either race, class, gender, sexuality, or age, or whatever else that is usually the basis for deep friendships.

I'm onto something here but I'm not sure I've fully worked out the thought. (And this post is too me-centered, but oh well. Next time I'll blog about someone or something else!)

---

Update: Maybe this just means I need to move out of my comfort zone here. Ugh, but I'm already so tired....

good times

I was looking through some of my old posts, and I saw this one. I wrote this as I was reflecting on the lessons I learned while I was in LA, and a part of me needs to remember some of these lessons now. In some ways, I think I am now a little further on than I was back then, but in other ways, I feel like I've not taken a step forward at all! Anyway, I just want to remind myself that these things happened, and I'm thinking about them now.

What lessons am I learning now? I'm not sure. I think I need to set aside time to really think that through.

-----

1. At the beginning of the fall last year, God said, "Trust Me."
2. I asked for healing from fear and I have been healed somewhat. Quite a bit actually, except that I'm constantly worrying over the current or upcoming challenge that I often forget how far I've come. I still have a fear of public speaking. :)
3. This past summer, I asked God to show me if I can write at a high level; if I can't, I need to look for a different job because academia is probably not for me. What I learned this past year was that I am dependent upon God for the daily progress I make in my work. For now, at least, I will remain in academia (mostly because I have a job for at least the next three years!).
4. I've come to see that God brought healing into my life even before I knew how to ask for it.
5. I need to live as if I will never go hungry again because God will never stop loving me.
6. A lesson on pedagogy that I learned from J. Y. during his visit: "First, tell them what they want to hear. Then, tell them what God wants them to hear." The challenge comes after comfort.
7. If I remain in Christ, I will give out of my fullness.
8. I've been introduced to the pleasure and awe that comes from seeing how God works in the lives of others, especially old friends. It is a privilege to walk with friends and to know them well enough to notice the changes in their character. I suspect that this will be one of the more valuable blessings of growing old and I hope that others will be blessed in this way too.
9. I want to have a spiritual mentor who is physically in the same place as I am. And I want to learn how to be a mentor myself. (The latter really scares me though.)
10. I want to trust that God is sovereign and that He is good.

Pedagogy and mentoring

I think I've been lucky--sometimes--to have had really wonderful mentors in my life. Everyone's always so busy, of course, so I'm always thankful for every little bit of time I can get from Person X or Person Y. I've been teaching for a few years now too but as a grad student and postdoc, my students usually stayed with me for only one or two semesters at a time before I or they moved on. Teaching usually gives me pleasure but I've not had the opportunity to develop the best kind of mentoring relationships I've been in as someone who is mentored. That is, I've not mentored someone the way I've been mentored (in the best possible ways, I mean).

This might change now that I'm more or less settled in one institution--for as long as they want me!--but I'm also not sure how I feel about becoming a mentor. I just bumped into the chair of my dept right outside my office, and she told me that she's been hearing good things from my MA students this semester. And well, I'm suspicious as always when I hear compliments, and somewhat relieved. But I'm also alarmed at the thought of having to be a mentor in the future. Can I afford to be as vulnerable as some of my mentors have been when I'm not quite as smart as those who have mentored me?

I don't think my mentors are perfect. In fact, what most alarms me about the mentoring relationship is that you do learn to see one's mentor's weaknesses. My mentors were a lot older, smarter, and more established when they became my mentors, and I cannot possibly be anything like them, so their vulnerabilities reveal less than what mine might reveal..... Sigh.

more on the fun stuff

I took the gov water center's beginner's course and assessment this weekend, and I passed!!!! It was a two-day course and on the first day, I found that I could do very little of what I had previously learned, and I'm not sure why. I almost decided against going to the second day of the course because I was so sure I would fail the test in the afternoon, but I couldn't give up because my brother and a couple of my friends had signed up together as a group. I couldn't give up because I was the only girl in the group.

Anyway, I gritted my teeth and prayed hard for light winds, and thank God that we did have light winds, and also that by the afternoon, I finally understood what I was doing. My arms and back are very sore and tired from having to haul and rehaul the sail every time I lost my balance and fell into the water. But I think I'm going to keep going when I can and hope that I don't forget what I learned this weekend! Renting gear from the gov centers is much cheaper AND they include wetsuits for the winter too, so it makes sense to learn this sport now. At about USD 4 an hour for a rig and wetsuit? That's a pretty good deal.

Teaching moves apace but publishing is still very slow. By the end of October, I need to send off an essay for a small book collection (published by a minor press) but I haven't started writing it!!!

Am I happy? I think so. I am happy most of the time, and as some of you have pointed out, that's as much as anyone of us can hope for. ;)

oh boy

I think I have a good life but I always seem to be complaining! Well, here I go again....I'm tired!! Managed to get a windsurfing workshop this weekend, and since it is taught by instructors at the gov center here, the fees are cheap and we're lucky to actually get an appointment. But now I'm so tired that I'd like to back out but if I don't do it now, I won't get to do it until next summer! Taking this course will also enable me to rent windsurfing boards from the gov at about $3 an hour, which is much cheaper than the private centers. But after this weekend, who knows when I'll have the energy to go windsurfing?? Plus, now that the weather is cooler, I'd have to buy a wetsuit .... sigh.

I'm sure it'll be fun, I just hope I won't fall sick after the weekend.

story from the classroom

I wanted to put this on FB but decided against it. Last night, I barely held back the giggles when one of my MA students introduced himself as "Frosty." I was taken back enough when another student introduced himself as "Swift," but when "Frosty" said his name, I was facing the entire class and I can't remember if I managed to keep a straight face but I'll pat myself on the back for not laughing out loud at that point. I giggled my way to sleep after class though.

good morning

I am starting the day with peace. I have no answers, but I do have peace. A friend shared with me a piece that she used to sing with her choir:

Deep peace of the running wave to you.
Deep peace of the flowing air to you.
Deep peace of the quiet earth to you.
Deep peace of the shining stars to you.
Deep peace of the Son of Peace to you.

i need a vacation

I can't believe how busy the last couple of weeks have been and I'm hoping to finally settle into a rhythm soon. We all dread the first couple of weeks of school and I think that it's usually better once we get used to our schedules but at this point, I wonder if that is just wishful thinking or even a delusion I've convinced myself is true. This semester is brutal because I have 50 students in my MA class, and 40 in the undergrad class. (Both classes are full.) Next semester, the class that is capped at 50 is already full, but the class that is capped at 40 has low enrollments. I've been told I need to up it a little but haha, a part of it wants me to keep that low so that I won't have as much grading to do!!!!

a jealous god

I've always struggled to understand the notion of a jealous God.

What does it mean to worship a God who is capable of feeling

jealousy?

I think I'm learning now what it means....what joy! How 

amazing and wonderful that the God I love is a jealous God!

--- 

Daily Meditation for August 15, 2010
                written by Henri Nouwen
 
_........................................................._
 
Protecting Our Hiddenness
 
If indeed the spiritual life is essentially a hidden

life, how do we protect this hiddenness in the midst 

of a very public life?   The two most important ways

to protect our hiddenness are solitude and poverty. 

Solitude allows us to be alone with God. 

There we experience that we belong not to people, not 

even to those who love us and care for us but to God 

and God alone.  Poverty is where we experience our 

own and other people's weakness, limitations, and 

need for support.  To be poor is to be without 

success, without fame, and without power.  But there 

God  chooses to show us God's love.
 
Both solitude and poverty protect the hiddenness of our
lives.

---

Every now and then, people will say something like, "Oh,

we should go back to the fervor we felt when we first

discovered Christ's love! New Christians are so much

more passionate than those of us who have been 

Christians for much longer." I think that's a crazy-

making idea. The myth that new Christians are the 

"most passionate" rings untrue for me, even when it is

said precisely to encourage those new Christians. 

I would not go back to that time for anything.

This isn't to say those times were bad, but I am so much

in awe of what God has done, I am so much

in awe of how He speaks to me now, and I can't wait to see 

what the future will be like!

CS Lewis was very wise. In one of the Narnia books--can't 

remember which one--Lucy meets Aslan after a long separation

and she remarks in surprise, "You've grown bigger!" Aslan then

replies, "You'll find that I grow bigger as you grow bigger" 

(my own poor paraphrase). 

Well, maybe I should be more sensitive and encouraging to 

others around me. I just need to figure out how to be that

without saying things I don't think are true! 

masih keliru

I think I'm noticing a pattern to the periods when I have felt "happiest." I hope I'm wrong though. It's too early to go public with these thoughts and I'm sure that in the future, when I look back at this post, I'll kick myself for being so vague that even I can't remember what these thoughts are! But I just had to write something about it even if I can only be vague at this time.

Let's just say that happiness has to do with being in certain kinds of friendships. Even this may be a bit too much to post but oh well. Some people who know me well may guess what I'm talking about so please don't post the answer in the comments section, just send me an email!!!

what would you do if you had a year left to live?

I hate rhetorical questions like this one because it's impossible to live as if you only had a year left to live when you do have to plan for all those others years that have been allotted to you. Okay, that was a badly written sentence, but never mind. (And never mind also that rhetorical questions are never meant to be answered.) We used this ice-breaker again at home church a couple of weeks ago and I groaned inwardly but came up with a fairly honest answer: "I'd travel the world with my friends."

And today, I realized that yes, I would like to travel the world with my friends. It is such a pleasure to either discover new places together or to show someone around a place that is somewhat familiar to me. So if I had a year left to live, I would visit with my friends. Hah. See how impractical this rhetorical question is?? What has that revealed?? (I suppose we should just exercise self-discipline and not answer rhetorical questions.)

I'm not quite sure how to make sense of all the emotions I'm feeling right now. I'm thankful, sad, tired, amazed, anxious, confused....and there have been many hours this week when I've felt excited and happy too (just not right now). Being thankful is an act of obedience at this point, even if it is easy to recognize that I have much to be thankful for!

It's very strange, but the Malay word for "confused," i.e. keliru, seems to resonate more strongly than the English word even though I am predominantly an English speaker. I don't even know why I noticed that, maybe I'm trying to distract myself. Anyway.

Had a great time with SMS who was in town for a speaking engagement and at first I thought MS and I would only be spending an afternoon and evening with her but it turns out that we got to see her for three days of her six day stay. Saying good-bye is always tough.

This came at a kairotic moment: 

Daily Meditation for August 25, 2010
                written by Henri Nouwen
 
_........................................................._
 
Love and the Pain of Leaving
 
Every time we make the decision to love someone, we open
ourselves to great suffering, because those we most love
cause us not only great joy but also great pain.   The
greatest pain comes from leaving.  When the child leaves
home, when the husband or wife leaves for a long period 

of time or for good, when the beloved friend departs to 

another country or dies ... the pain of the leaving can 

tear us apart.
 
Still, if we want to avoid the suffering of leaving, we 

will never experience the joy of loving.  And love is 

stronger than fear, life stronger than death, hope 

stronger than despair.  We have to trust that the risk 

of loving is always worth taking.
 
              ''''''''''''''''''''''''''

One week left of the summer!

School starts up again in September and I'm having mixed feelings about it. I'm relieved that I've finalized the syllabus and course reader for one class and I'm almost done with the other class. But I'm also bracing myself for the whirlwind that the first month of school usually is. This fall, I'm teaching two introductory-type classes, one for undergrads and the other for the MA program, and they require a lot of reading, especially on my part! Since I have to cover a few texts/authors that are not a part of my own research interests, I need to read a little more so that I can explain difficult concepts to others. I'm nervous.

I haven't done enough research this summer either so I'm sad to see the summer come to an end but hey, who knows what the fall will bring!

another random conversation in my head

I often daydream about conversing with different friends especially when I'm trying to think things through. It usually means I'm missing this or that particular old friend and wishing that I could actually talk to the person. But anyway, I was trying to describe Col to an old friend, and in this imaginary conversation, I said, "Oh, he is like CCM!" And as practice, in my head, I thought of how to first describe Col in positive ways.

He is warm. He is affectionate. He enjoys being around people. He is devoted.

But he can also be stifling. Smothering. Obsessive!!

Col and CCM are the kind of guys that are very attractive to most women but not to someone like me. I think I'm realizing that I'm actually pretty happy with some things about being single....such as not having someone breathe down my neck.

I agreed--a little reluctantly--to play mixed doubles with Col in a competition that one of his business organizations is putting on so we played together last weekend at one of the clubs we both go to, and he was also more "attentive" when we were watching other pairs play. But as much as I appreciate his friendship, I realized that I'm really glad we're only platonic friends because......I need my space. Someone like Col would drive me nuts. He called me 4-5 times on Sat and I didn't pick up because I didn't want to talk at that point and later he said he called me so many times because he was "worried" about me.

????!!!

Theoretically, I appreciate the concern but really, I'll ask for help if I need it and I don't want to be picking up the phone because someone else is worrying about me when there's nothing to worry about. Does that make sense or am I crazy??? 

So, I hope this just means that I'm not interested in having Col be an intimate part of my life, and I hope it does not mean that I'm meant to be single forever although if it's a choice between a guy like Col or being single, I choose to be single. Maybe I'd be happy to have a different kind of guy breathe down my neck, although I'm pretty sure a guy who's independent and busy would probably work better for me. Like I said, guys like Col would be great for most women, just not someone like me.