the next few weeks will be chaos

Been tired recently, mostly because I was grading all of last week. Just thinking about grading makes my head hurt. This week, I'm trying to do as much as possible to meet some deadlines and have fun too. Yes, I'm greedy. An old friend from Ithaca visited for a night because she was in town to renew her visa for Taiwan and we had fun. Having visitors does mean work, i.e. cleaning the apt a bit but I do enjoy having visitors.

Will watch Pirates 4 this Thursday (oh, Johnny Depp) and will be playing badminton three nights this week. I really hope I get my work done to meet my deadline next week!!!

:)

Well, the week started off with a contentious meeting at the faculty level. It was draining but it wasn't so bad, mostly because friends have been holding me in the light recently. Also, I think I'm getting a little better at thinking about work as being part of "kingdom work." This is part of current Christian lingo that means recognizing how when we work, we join in work that God is already doing. I like this way of thinking of work because we are not responsible for doing God's work for him.....we merely jump in every time we recognize that it is part of his work. What we do does not begin from us and our puny little selves but is a part of centuries' worth of slow, sacred work.

Kingdom work also refers to all types of work and not just our traditional understanding of what "missionaries" do. So for example, when I am able to teach my students how to read with complexity and craft complex arguments with clarity, that is a part of kingdom work too because such skills are important to being like Christ. Reading texts is an important skill to have not only when we come to the word of God, it teaches us to be listeners when we are in conversations as well. That allows us to be in relationship with others in gentleness, humility, and kindness. (Sometimes, not all the time!)

When I lose perspective (see post below) and forget that God is at work, then I become angry, pessimistic, and depressed. This week, I decided to practice looking for the many ways in which God is already at work. It's been two days and I think it's a helpful way of orienting one's self to the world. Yesterday's hostilities at work would have affected me much more deeply; I am able to be thankful for everything that did happen even if decisions did not work out the way we would have liked them to. We'll see what else comes up this week!!

The next twelve months will be psychologically stressful for me because I will have to apply for a more permanent position here. I will need to remind myself constantly and frequently that all that we do is kingdom work!!! Every time I think I've started to get a hang of something, I get a great big test and find out just how much I have to rely on grace.

certainty

Today, I heard news that someone I respect, a young scholar, had been denied tenure at his institution despite his publications, teaching track record, and service work (sitting on committees within his institution). This was shocking as the person is super-smart, articulate, and has the required publications. He emailed back to say that his department has been 100% supportive (difficult to come by and amazing that it did), the awful decision came from the deans (unusual for the institution) and that he will land on his feet. He didn't provide more details but I hope this means that things will work out somehow.

Again, I've been reminded at how unfair the world can be, and how people who deserve rewards will not always get them, and vice-versa. I'm also struck by how deluded some people are, and how they believe that they are so much smarter than everyone else. Such confidence is strange, and sometimes I wonder if I'm stupid because I don't see their brilliance. Sometimes, it's hard to believe that God is at work, redeeming a broken world in the here and now.

Days like these, I wonder again if I am in the right vocation.

Sigh. The air is so bad that it's been two days since I've been able to see the IFC tower from my window. Part of it is due to fog, I think, but a large part of it is due to air pollution. 

fantasies

When I was a teenager, I thought that I would have everything figured out by my twenties. When I was in my twenties, I thought, no, I don't have everything figured out but I will when I hit my thirties. I am now in my early thirties, and the world has never seemed more complicated, frightening, and tiresome.

My colleague got married yesterday, and I was the only one from the dept who was invited to attend the small ceremony and party. I was glad I could be there to offer my best wishes to the couple but I admit, I was also not going to tell anyone else from my dept that I was going to be there!

In light of the many awful things that go on in our world, this counts for very little. But it is also striking that even a simple gesture of offering one's blessings is so fraught in our very broken world.

(Was it an awkward kind of wedding anyway? Yes, but that is another story.)

back from Huangshan

Wonderful trip. Many thoughts. One of my friends had a persistent, dry cough the entire trip. My throat now feels scratchy and I have the occasional cough. Making garlic-ginger tea now. Hope it'll help because it certainly sounds weird enough.

My favorite pic from the trip.

What would it mean to bring blessings and not curses? This is so very difficult at times in my workplace, mostly because of how mean and small I can be.

cool!

Through one of my badminton friends, I met a police officer who works in the financial crime division. He arrests money launderers!!

hello, monday

I have a great life but I can't wait for the world to end. O, come Lord Jesus, come.

Fifth Week of Lent - April 14, 2011
 
Jesus said,' If I were to seek my own glory that would be no glory at all; my glory
is conferred by the Father'. (John 8)
 
A grateful life is one in which we receive our gifts from God and then lift them
 up, trusting that they will multiply. That's what Jesus did.
- Henri J. M. Nouwen

feeling overwhelmed

Maybe I'm now coming down from the high that was the beginning of the week. Strangely, this translates into a lot of angst and hand-wringing on my part that would confuse and exasperate some of my academic friends and mentors. My spiritual friends? Well, I'm afraid to talk about this with anyone right now so I wouldn't know! I see how I'm being silly and small but I can't help myself.

What to do? What to do?

---

So I g-chatted with a friend from my church home group, and I do feel a little better. This problem seems to keep coming back again and again. I always feel like I'm not good enough and not smart enough. Reminding myself of the parable of the prodigal son and the elder brother (I'm the elder brother who does not remember that all the father has is mine) hasn't helped so far.

Jeremiah 10: 23-24

 ²³ LORD, I know that people’s lives are not their own;
   it is not for them to direct their steps.
²⁴ Discipline me, LORD, but only in due measure—
   not in your anger,
   or you will reduce me to nothing.

many thoughts

The week has gotten off to an amazing start. An old academic friend/mentor flew over from Shanghai to give a lecture for my dept and I spent time with her the last two nights. We ended up talking quite late both nights and then early this morning, I attended a prayer meeting for the university. I have heard so much that I am a little bit stunned. I don't know how to process all this. It's very exciting, of course, and it makes my world a whole lot bigger but more complicated.

I am in awe of how much I have in my life. I have met so many generous, inspiring people. I'm not sure I know how to respond at this point.

The late nights of talk and the early morning meeting are taking their toll. I think I'm going to go home and take a nap, and hopefully, I will be able to read after the lunch.

fun, fun, fun....

I've had a fantastic weekend. Worked for part of Saturday, then met a new badminton group that is pretty good. After our three-hour session, we tried a new Thai restaurant with my XD partner, R, for the mini-competition at HKU next weekend. Fabulous red curry duck! Found out that R, a novelist in residency at the university, was Khairy Jamaluddin's college roommate!! Heard some gossip about KJ. Sunday, had breakfast with my cousin and her husband (visiting from Singapore), then church (boring sermon, sorry). After church, had lunch with a few church friends who also taught me to play bridge (addictive!). Rushed home for a quick session in the sauna (thought I was getting a bit sniffly, feel fine today, thanks to the sauna!!) before heading out to a dinner with HK's wing chun association (in honor of the very much dead founder, Ip Man). Got home, showered, rolled into bed.

I have a full life, I'm meeting really nice people, I have a few good friends with whom I can talk honestly, and I am getting a lot of regular, very fun, exercise.

Am I ungrateful for missing my old friends who are scattered all over the world?

warm-up fast #2

1. I don't feel closer to God this time around and it doesn't help when you have a very busy day at work. Fasting didn't help me focus on God because I was running around too much. It didn't help my work either because every time I had a free moment, instead of thinking about the ideas I need to work on, I think about food and then think about how I shouldn't think about food. But I suppose people who have to go without food don't have the luxury of choice.

2. I wonder if it will be easier to fast when classes are no longer in session. I get grumpy when hungry and it is a lot harder to interact with students then.

3. Fasting really isn't fun. Spiritual disciplines are not "fun." This doesn't mean that everything that draws us closer to God should make us miserable. That would be an unhealthy view of a God who loves and draws close to us. But fasting as a spiritual discipline is not "fun" because it reminds us of the brokenness of a world where some people go hungry.

4. After I've stopped fasting, I start to feel afraid when I feel hungry again--even if I know that I can eat if I want to eat then. Imagine, then, the fear of those who cannot always satisfy their hunger as a matter of course.

baddy

Played with a new group last night and had a fabulous time. They were mostly older men who were still accurate enough to make the games interesting, and a few men in their early forties who were fast and strong, so I was pushed more than I usually am at my Sunday group. I really need to find a new group for Sunday evenings! I need to get more used to losing, haha!

Last night, I had a 60% success rate which is not what I'm used to but I also learned a lot. After playing regularly with a group of people, reading their next shot becomes an unconscious act. But when you play with new folks, it's almost as if you've lost an eye you didn't know you had, and learning to cope with the ensuing nerves is a good skill to have. Moreover, when you play with people at your level and higher, you really have to be patient and pace yourself. Trying to kill the rally too fast under those conditions only means losing the rally. I'm also working on playing more aggressively. My drops and net play are usually fine so now I need to work on power shots to vary my game.

My shoulder still doesn't feel normal but I suppose my body just has to find a way to adjust to it. Sigh.

fasting

For the first time in my life, I will fast from food. I've gone on FB fasts before and they're not easy. But food fasts are different and after Day 1, I've already learned a few lessons.

1. As most people acknowledge, hunger pangs can remind you to focus more on one's spiritual condition. This is true and it is useful.

2. To not be able to eat when one is hungry left me feeling helpless, afraid, and a little angry. Today was just a warm-up fast (missed lunch) so I wasn't terribly hungry for very long, and feeling hungry on the days I teach is not unusual because I usually only eat after my classes are over. But I can imagine how someone who goes hungry for long periods of time might be emotionally and psychologically affected by it. And I assume it would affect one's judgment too.

3. If you break your fast with a normal meal, i.e. no more than you would usually eat, you still feel hungry! This was a surprise to me. Okay, so this could be peculiar to me since I usually feel hungry even after a regular meal on regular days. But....maybe I expected to feel full because I was fasting. If people who are undernourished don't feel full even after they've broken their fasts--and they probably have less than I usually do--then....what does that do to their sense of self and where they are in this world?

4. I'm afraid to exercise this evening because I'm afraid I might black out (partly because I donated blood yesterday too). But people who go hungry don't have a choice over how much labor they do. And exercise is totally fun for me.

I'm usually hungry two hours after I eat every day of the week anyway, but the hunger that fasting causes is different from that other kind of hunger. I'm just fixated on food, that's what I am.

another list

1. Can't wait for the semester to end! I'm tired of writing lectures.

2. Went to Foshan last weekend with my wing chun group, and was struck by Shenzhen's and Guangzhou's urban sprawls. Their cities go on forever!

3. The pollution in China is horrible. Eleven years ago, I spent a semester in China and some of the cities we traveled to then were already horrifying. This was my first trip to Shenzhen and Guangzhou and I can't imagine living with such grime. Winters in HK are bad too but we do get to see blue skies every now and then. I don't have evidence that S and G and perpetually covered in smog....but the thought that they are is a difficult thought to have. How can people live without blue skies? How can people live without beauty that some other folks take for granted? SoCal may be polluted as well but at the very least they live with the sun and sky.

4. Class difference. There are clear differences between what I have in my life, and what my wing chun buddies have in theirs.

5. What would it mean to lead a church home group?

No answers for now. Just lots to think about.

good sermon on running the race of faith

I enjoyed this sermon last night and this morning. I sometimes listen to sermons before bed but if I'm too sleepy, I repeat them in the morning especially if I found them interesting in my sleepy state.

update to previous post

I have mixed feelings about today's class. A few students clearly made a lot of leaps today. In that way, it is a success. But I also feel like a failure because only a third of the students showed up (the top third of the class)! What to do??

Well, I feel like a failure but I am also happy because I learned a lot today myself when I prepared for the lecture. Life is good when you learn new things.

TGIF

I can't keep my eyes open. Chose a playlist on youtube and have that playing to keep me awake. I don't usually have music on when I'm trying to work but I feel so sleepy! I have to deliver this lecture in a few hrs so I should get cracking!! Yesterday's class went well but I usually have more trouble writing and delivering my lectures for my class on Friday. I'd really like to do well this week but all I can think of is going back to bed....

I can't remember if I posted about this before, but I got a new mattress a couple of months ago and I have really come to love it. The mattress is really firm. It would be more accurate to describe it as rock solid because when I first got it, I thought I was sleeping on a slab of rock except that my hips don't get sore and it felt very strange. But after a few months, I can't imagine sleeping on another mattress anymore. It's firm but it doesn't cause any soreness! So, yes, I love my bed.

happy

The world continues to whirl by me and I understand so little of it. But the sun is out, the weather is warm, my body works (more or less), I enjoy my meals, and I'll be playing Cluedo and Monopoly Deal with friends later tonight. Life is good.

spring day

I'm in the office on a Sat afternoon and I'm happy to be here. I just need to remember that Mondays are tough but that the week usually gets better especially because I have such wonderful students this semester! Need to format my journal article that was accepted and will be published later this year but that is the only big thing I need to do today!

hello march!

For awhile, I thought I was getting bored with badminton. (Shocking.) Okay fine, there are moments when I am less interested in the game now. But it could be because I'm not as fast anymore. Not going to the gym during the week and a less than healthy diet can do that to you. Am resolved to get back on the treadmill twice a week! And am also resolved to eat more vegetables and less meat.

(Maybe all this will help me focus better too. Although I am almost all convinced that I am a hopeless procrastinator and won't get around to working hard until the deadline looms.)

Two recommended books because they have given me a lot to think about: The Contemplative Pastor and Taking Your Soul to Work.

Unfortunately, while these books have given me a lot to think about, the work of the soul still belongs to the Spirit. That is to say, my prayers are as desperate as ever: "Oh God, help me because I cannot help myself!"

paradigm shift

This is something I do not do and it is something I need to seriously think over.

-------
 Daily Meditation for February 23, 2011 written by Henri Nouwen 

_........................................................._ 

What Is Most Personal Is Most Universal 

We like to make a distinction between our private and public lives 

and say, "Whatever I do in my private life is nobody else's business." 

But anyone trying to live a spiritual life will soon discover that the 

most personal is the most universal, the most hidden is the most public, 

and the most solitary is the most communal. 

What we live in the most intimate places of our beings is not just for 

us but for all people. That is why our inner lives are lives for others. 

That is why our solitude is a gift to our community, and that is why our 

most secret thoughts affect our common life. Jesus says, "No one lights a 

lamp to put it under a tub; they put it on the lamp-stand where it shines 

for everyone in the house" (Matthew 5:14-15). The most inner light is a 

light for the world. Let's not have "double lives"; let us allow what we 

live in private to be known in public. 

great day!

It's early in the day yet but I just wanted to say that I'm having a Great start to my day!! What a difference between yesterday and today! I feel awake and lively and ready to hit the gym but I won't because I'll just dive into work instead! I will hit the gym after work today and then the sauna.

The weather is warmer, I love my students, and I have good relationships with at least two, possibly three, of my colleagues, I miss my friends but then again, I always miss my friends who aren't here in HK, I'm healthy, and did I mention, it's a lot warmer today? I love the way I feel today. I just do. I really, really do!

the blahs continue

Classes are going fairly smoothly, I think, and there are no major crises in my life. My family's healthy and their lives are going well. The weather is much warmer today and that is very nice. I haven't caught the cold that's been going around recently, and I haven't had insomnia. In fact, my problem now is sleeping and playing too much! Some friends and I went to a Japanese buffet on Monday night and it was affordable and fresh! One of my friends taught us to play Monopoly Deal and we had so much fun. I laughed like a hyena when I charged everyone 12 million rent per person. (I lost the game though.) Last weekend, I went hiking with people from church and made a new friend. This Sat, my church home group will have a board games and BBQ evening and I'll probably spend some time with them too. My wing chun lessons are moving along. Wing chun is tough! I've started using the wooden dummy and my forearms are now all bruised but I love the lessons. Life is going really well but something's missing, I don't know what.

And, I'd like to be more focused at work too! Sigh....I'm such a grumbler. Especially when so much of the world is struggling with serious problems: New Zealand, Libya, Egypt, Tunisia, Wisconsin (and other parts of the US), Malaysia (90% of Sarawak's rainforest has been decimated!), China's factory workers, and well, the "old" and continuing crises in various African countries....Oh Lord have mercy.

another old photo

old photos

I know this is me only because the baby's left eye is smaller than her right one.

weird

I know something's wrong with me because I haven't been interested in politics for a few weeks now. Not even in Egypt and Tunisia!! I can't do more than read a paragraph or two and then I have to navigate away from the page.

My stomach's been queasy for about a week and the nurse just told me to stay away from dairy, oily food, and VEGETABLES. And there I was, buying lettuce because I thought veggies would do me good. Sigh.

Today has been a waste of time so far. Luckily, I'm not teaching today because I wouldn't have been able to concentrate. I need to start feeling normal again soon.....if only I knew how!

still super tired

Did almost nothing during CNY break and I'm still exhausted. It was really fun but in a way, I'm also glad to be back here where I can get a routine going again. Soon. Looking forward to the weekend.

And I love this picture my sis took during our trip up north to visit extended family. My grandma is our only remaining grandparent and it's so hard to get her to smile for photos.

Happy Chinese New Year!

I doubt I'll be posting again until I get back from CNY break, so happy Rabbit year! I spent most of today dreading today's three-hour class but once again, my kids saved me by talking a lot and saying very interesting things. I survived with just three single-space pages of lecture notes (usually I prepare six). I just have to get through tomorrow's two-hour monologue--oh how I dread having to give monologues--on a film I assigned but haven't watched myself. Yeah, super-smart of me. I did it out of desperation though! I tried to find films on the class topic (globalization!) that seems fun to undergrads. So here we are. After Friday, I'll have a bit of a break from teaching which will give me a chance to catch up on rest and research. I hope.

I'm really losing steam, help!!