must do this.....

Earl Palmer's sermon on faith and doubt is really important for someone like me who likes to think a problem through, but who doesn't dare to stop thinking and start acting. I must start acting more!

voiceless

I'm glad to finally have a resolution to my work situation, and I'm so thankful that it's turned out pretty well! To celebrate, I'd really like to get this masticating juicer so I can add more fruits and veggies to my diet. My immune system sucks. I caught ANOTHER cold, and not only have I lost my voice, it has triggered my airway allergies again. The air purifier does a good job of cleaning the air in my bedroom so I rarely cough when I'm home, but my doctor says that I need allergy meds if I want to get over these symptoms faster. So I'm taking more meds.

Now, my alternative treatment center would say, heck, no, your body should be able to fight this on its own. I had the good fortune of working with a mostly English-speaking therapist on Thurs evening, and she explained that my "complementary treatments" (CT) are supposed to help loosen up my blood vessels, large and small, to detoxify my body. Of course, in their eyes, Western pills can also carry toxins. I love the work they're doing on my body--I hardly ever think about my knees now. But I think I'm going to take these pills until they've gotten my body to a stable state.

Another time, I'll post more thoughts on lessons learned during this season. But the big takeaway discovery I can think of right now is how fearful I am of God. (Yeap.)

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Update


To be fair, I think I know what to do next. I hope I can do what I know I should do once my body is healthier, and after I meet my most pressing deadlines!

lively night life

I dreamed last night that I was at dragon boat practice, and we were stretching. Then I woke up and realized it was a dream, but fell back asleep and said to myself, "That's okay, keep stretching as you sleep so that you'll recover more quickly!" Of course, my impression is that I kept stretching in my sleep for a long time after that.....

knees

I just emailed a friend to cancel on a baddy session next Tuesday. That's how much my knees are still hurting. I really could barely run today and I felt like my partners were frustrated with me. A friend from church has seen a "tiht dah" and she said he really works, so I think I'll try him out.

There are still many blessings in my life, but this really stinks right now.

house plants

My mom's here for a visit, so we went to the flower market in Kowloon, and I got two new plants. I have a lot of trouble keeping plants alive, but I've realized that I don't kill hydroponic plants as easily because all I have to do is change their water once a week!

koff koff hack hack

Misty morning in HK, but that air is also polluted. You can barely see Kowloon in this picture and it's really not that far off.

My new air purifier! My allergy cough disappears when I'm home in the evenings.

emptiness

I was just thinking last night that I'm afraid of spending time with God because I'm afraid of what He'd do next!!

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Tuesday February 28, 2012

Letting Go of Our Fear of God

We are afraid of emptiness. Spinoza speaks about our "horror vacui," our horrendous
fear of vacancy. We like to occupy-fill up-every empty time and space. We want to
be occupied. And if we are not occupied we easily become preoccupied; that is, we
fill the empty spaces before we have even reached them. We fill them with our worries,
saying, "But what if ..."

It is very hard to allow emptiness to exist in our lives. Emptiness requires a willingness
not to be in control, a willingness to let something new and unexpected happen.
It requires trust, surrender, and openness to guidance. God wants to dwell in our
emptiness. But as long as we are afraid of God and God's actions in our lives, it
is unlikely that we will offer our emptiness to God. Let's pray that we can let
go of our fear of God and embrace God as the source of all love.

- Henri J. M. Nouwen

happiness is

There are a lot of uncertainties in my life right now, but I'm happy, and thankful that I'm back in a good place. I waited a few days just to be sure that my general sense of well-being was not due to badminton-induced endorphins. I last played on Saturday and haven't played since because I have airway allergies that are manifested in horrible coughing fits. Meds have helped, and I woke up coughing only about 4 times last night. I will play tonight, but wanted to say that I've been happy even without playing. All praise be to God.

terrible cough

Apparently the cough I have now is a kind of allergic reaction to a pollutant in the air.  The air quality in HK this past week was abysmal. Do the high and mighty here breathe from gold-plated oxygen tanks? I haven't been able to sleep through the night for the last few nights because I wake up every time I have a coughing fit. My meds are starting to help, I think, but wow, I've never had anything like this before and I hope I'll never have it again. I drank all that garlic tea for nothing!

Update


I think I'm going to get an air filter. Waiting to see if my brother wants one too.

thanks for the concern, but....

I had a short, funny exchange with an old friend who recently got married, at the end of which she said, "If you're brave enough, you should read some books on sex. I didn't, and I wish now that I had because they would have been helpful." I replied, "I don't think that's my concern right now, dear."

My friends make me laugh!

hearing back

I've been trying to figure out if I should do the _ _ _ at the earliest date, but it would be very time consuming and I just couldn't face the thought of spending all that time on it. God does answer (sometimes) when we ask for wisdom. I was afraid at first that I was being lazy (totally possible) and short-sighted, but I'm pretty sure now that even if I do decide to do it later, doing it right now won't be a good idea. I'll probably forgot what this post is about if I decide to look back at my old posts but, oh well!

My knees have started to degenerate and my physiotherapist has said no running, jumping or weights for awhile. I'm playing badminton this Fri and Sat nights but after this week, I'll go down to playing only once a week, and it's the bike for me during my gym sessions. The quad exercises she taught me are surprisingly difficult, and I can barely do 100 reps. Will work my way up to 200 reps per day. Yes, I'm supposed to do them every day. I guess that's how much I've neglected my quads.

Dodgeball vs Dragon Boat?

My church's dragon boat team is actively recruiting for this year's race and season. I'm thinking of signing up for dragon boat instead of dodgeball now. Dodgeball is fun but last fall, we had a lot of trouble getting enough guys to commit to playing regularly. We ended up having a ton of girls which would be fine if girls could really play as well as guys, but except for Dora, the rest of us really weren't very good. The guys who did turn up for any given match pretty much played in all the games while the girls had to rotate in once every 3-4 games, so it wasn't as much fun for us. Teams tend to field 1-2 girls per match while we had to play 4-5 girls at least, so we really weren't getting as much of a workout.

The dragon boat team, on the hand, will have three boats total, and I'm assuming that one of them will consist of mostly big men, and the others will be manned by weaker rowers out for some exercise and fun, so I think we'll all get a good work out.

I did enjoy dodgeball, but it looks like I'm going to have fun on the water this spring!

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Update: Brian's found another team whose girls want to put together a girls' team, so we'd play both on the coed team and the girls' team. That would mean more of a work out, but it would mean more nights out on court. Dodgeball matches will be played closer to where I live, but dragon boat would mean meeting a lot more people and the novelty of playing a sport I may not be able to play outside of HK....How do I decide???

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Update on the update


I'm going with dragon boat. Water practice is on Sunday afternoon and land practice is optional. This leaves my week nights free to do a number of things I may have to do to make myself marketable come the next job cycle. 

blame game

I am beginning to notice the small ways in which my job shapes my sense of identity: I can blame my bad sense of dress on my profession. In other words, because of my job, I can think thoughts such as: "Yeah, my outfit looks odd today. But who cares, the fact that I chose this particular job is also odd, so people won't be surprised if my sartorial decisions are strange ones too."

Funny, huh?

mind boggling

I'm learning lots of lessons now, but unfortunately, these thoughts usually run through my mind right before bed and they are often accompanied by unpleasant feelings. I usually try to fall asleep so no turning on the light to jot down notes. Whatever I do during this season of life, I should not make my decisions based on a desire to escape.

But on the other hand, I feel like it should be alright to escape what does seem to be a less than ideal situation--none of my peers is happy, not one--but then again, God calls us to more. Right now, I feel like I have peace to start exploring other possibilities. The decision is to explore possibilities, not to decide one way or the other. Taking small steps such as this one is manageable but still horribly difficult. I'm now slowly reading a book that is helping me through the process, and as it turns out, there are a lot of other people who are in similar situations, and they go through very similar emotional processes too! Some of them have come out on the other side and have landed on their feet, and are much happier in general.

Fingers crossed that God will not abandon me.

wow

I've been through some pretty tough times, but what I'm going through now is a little harder than what I've gone through in the past. Who said faith gets easier? (Yes, I'm thinking of YOU, haha.) I'm just hanging in there for now. Even L-theanine and a quarter-pill of melatonin could not keep insomnia at bay last night.

Thankful for friends who randomly pop into my life to let me know that I am loved.

And ps - If everyone experiences that moment when they think, "Mom was right," that moment has come for me but I will never tell her that.

Off again

I just unpacked, and now I'll be packing again for the next trip. This time, it'll be for the lunar new year. I'm looking forward to seeing family and friends again, but well, as everyone probably knows, sometimes being with family can be tough too. We'll see what happens this year.

Work has been going very slowly since I got back. Sigh.

I had a very vivid and long dream last night, some of which I still remember and I have mixed feelings about that. Dreams are so weird and sometimes, the very things you don't want to think about resurface in your dreams. In a  funny part of my dream, I had forgotten to tell my parents when something life-changing happened, and I kept worrying about how mad they would be because I was not telling them about my life. (This is generally true in real life.) Okay, so now every time the thoughts around this particular subjects come up during the day, I'll acknowledge them, and let them pass through without trying to repress them because I don't want them to come up in my dreams.

You know, sometimes I don't like my dreams not because they are unpleasant, but because they are simply not true. In some ways, this dream was pleasant because I was not running away from someone with a knife or carrying a burden 100 times my size. But I'd rather have dreamless sleep any day of the week.

back home again

I'm so exhausted. I feel like I fit two months of living into the last two weeks of my life. Got home at 12.30am, and today will be devoted to cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, and TV. The best part of the trip was seeing friends and spending time with them. I didn't take a whole lot of pictures but hopefully I will be able to post some stories about the trip.

cold

Temps have dropped by a lot! Flying out today for the last leg of my trip. I am fine when I am with friends but I feel homesick when I am alone! Glad I will have a roommate for most of the conference.

2012

Traveling has always taught me a lot. I continually have to learn to deal with the visceral responses of being in an airport or sitting in a plane. Those emotions have become easier to live with, certainly, but they are still never easy. Once I leave the airport, I feel a lot more normal regardless of where I am, and I'm thankful for that.

I was jet lagged so I fell asleep long before midnight although I woke up for a bit when the neighborhood celebrated the turn from one year to the next. Reflections? I'm not sure I have the time and energy to reflect on 2011, but here are brief thoughts:

1. I started to feel more at home in HK, and being here on my trip has underscored how settled I feel in HK now. I do enjoy being here but I know I will be glad to be back in HK.

2. I miss my friends. I can't count the number of times that thought ran through my mind last year.

3. I value hospitality because I have so often been blessed by others in this area! As I type this, I'm in Friend J's little New York apt (not as little as HK's of course), and I'm so thankful that she took me in at the last minute (literally) because of complications with my travel plans. Friend J is not a Christian, and while some Christians--though not all--have been exemplary models of hospitality, I am equally amazed by the generosity of my non-Christian friends. I really hope I can bless others in this area too.

4. Work continues to be a difficult and contentious area of my life....and as I am finding out, in the lives of my friends too. God has been gracious and has sustained me this year; He has given me manna for my days. But I continue to associate work with anxiety, turmoil, and trouble.

5. This leads me to my one new year's resolution: that I would trust God more.

Ps - after my trip is over and when I have more time (haha), I'd like to sketch out portraits of the people I've met during this trip. Friendship truly has been one of the greatest blessings of my life.

transit

I hate the actual experience o f being on the road. Planes and airports usually bring back al the repressed memories of first leaving home. But once I am out of the airport, I start to feel better. It is still strange to be back in this place as a guest and visitor because it is now familiar and unfamiliar.

Paper two still needs a lot of work....hope I can get the work done! Looking forward to the wedding tomorrow.

lessons on anxiety

As my previous posts have indicated, I'm going through another season of uncertainty and anxiety. During this time, I've been emailing a small group of friends who pray for me as I go through this season. This group of friends are people I've known for awhile, and they also include my church home group leaders here in HK who haven't known me for as long. As the months have passed, some of my friends have written back to point out that I have survived all my other seasons of uncertainty and anxiety. They did so with humor and gentleness so I didn't feel condemned, and that was very helpful. Some weeks have been tougher than others, and during those times, the only prayer I can pray is, "Lord, please stop these feelings, please help me." Thankfully, I currently have a reprieve from feeling overwhelmed by waves of anxiety. Truly, peace, like faith, is a gift.

During this time, I think I've also learned a few lessons on how to deal with anxiety and worry. First, during the seasons of your life when you don't have much to worry about, read and learn about, and start practicing spiritual disciplines! When your workload is heavy and your mind can't seem to focus on everything but your worries, your heart and mind won't be motivated to develop these spiritual habits. But if you work on them when the walk is slow and pleasant, then it will be easier to recall these exercises and put them to practice. When you are filled with anxiety, it will take all your strength and discipline to do them.

Second, try not to think of the future. This is a tough one. My friends also point out that I'm a pessimist and that I expect the worst to happen. This is wrong because God promises us hope for the future. But, it doesn't make sense to me to expect that what I desire will come through! I can't help being a realistic person, and the picture does look grim. I can't lie to myself and think, yes, I'm going to get this! I haven't completely worked out the biblical basis for my position yet, but my goal is to be happy with whatever God gives me because He is a good God who does not play around with our lives.

The only way I can deal with the anxiety around my future is neither to be a pessimist, which ignores God's sovereignty and love, nor an optimist, which ignores the realities of the world, but to be someone who sees, tastes, and enjoys God's presence and his gift in the present. In this position, I keep my eyes both on God's sovereignty and love, but also on the realities of this world. The worst possible outcome might indeed materialize, but it does not help to dwell on it. If I focus on God's presence in my life now, and if I keep doing so as we go along, what materializes at the end of this ordeal will not matter. Should the worst happen, will I still praise God and call him good? I don't know, but I certainly hope so.

When I get ready for work in the morning, I usually play one of Earl Palmer's sermons as I brush my teeth. This morning's sermon on freedom in Christ was particularly good because I enjoyed his parable of the kite!

Isaiah 41:8-13

The Message (MSG)

 ^8-10"But you, Israel, are my servant.
   You're Jacob, my first choice,
   descendants of my good friend Abraham.
I pulled you in from all over the world,
   called you in from every dark corner of the earth,
Telling you, 'You're my servant, serving on my side.
   I've picked you. I haven't dropped you.'
Don't panic. I'm with you.
   There's no need to fear for I'm your God.
I'll give you strength. I'll help you.
   I'll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you.
^11-13"Count on it: Everyone who had it in for you
   will end up out in the cold—
   real losers.
Those who worked against you
   will end up empty-handed—
   nothing to show for their lives.
When you go out looking for your old adversaries
   you won't find them—
Not a trace of your old enemies,
   not even a memory.
That's right. Because I, your God,
   have a firm grip on you and I'm not letting go.
I'm telling you, 'Don't panic.
   I'm right here to help you.'

disgusting

A contact posted an article about how US soldiers raped Iraqi women, and it included fairly graphic pictures. The story made me sick. I couldn't make up my mind about whether or not I should share the story because what if it plants horrifying ideas into other people's minds? Who knows what could trigger copycat actions? The friends who do read this blog would be more mature, I think, but still, please go to the article at your own risk.

If you read this article, then you may want to watch this video:

Okay, so this is what I really feel like

Wow, I am snapping at people over the smallest things.

weekend

Looking forward to bus caroling tonight.
Feeling better now.
People must have been praying for me this week.
I even had a dream about something unrelated to work. That dream revealed an issue I have to deal with in a different area of my life. I am scared, and I don't want to deal with this issue. But even when I don't think about it, I dream about it. Lord, have mercy.

Major writer's block

A ton of finals to grade within the week, and I still have to write the two talks that I have to give at a conference in January. Other things have popped up that are making me feel really stressed out, and I can't stop worrying. This really sucks.

Pepper

Ginger

Checkers

These are my friend's cats, which I play with every time our home group meets. But I am moving to the new home group that's splitting off from this old home group. So, bye bye cats. It's been lovely holding you even if you make me sneeze.

I now take L-theanine in the morning and in the evening. I feel like leaving a bottle in my office so I can take one midday too. I'm sure all this is good for me but I really want this season to be over. I wish I knew how to turn off the worry-switch.

writer's block again

I have two papers to present in January and I haven't started writing either paper! I do have outlines for both now, thankfully, but I have to write write write or risk public humiliation. I don't have anything in cold storage that I can cut and paste this time. This is so painful.

But on a happy note, I think I might have a professional opportunity that will improve the look of my CV--someone at a major research university asked me to be part of their new working group that they're trying to set up. Too bad nothing's confirmed and I can't advertise the fact to potential employers, hah! This is Christmas manna from the sky. I wouldn't have been able to do anything on my own to get this little piece of cake icing on my plate. If this goes through, it will be fun for me to be part of an international working group that includes a couple of senior profs whose work I like and respect. Is this amazing or is this amazing?

:)

I sent out an email to a group of friends, asking them to pray about something, and the three fastest replies aggregated by gmail was "Paul, Peter, John." It would've been cuter if it was "Peter, Paul, John," but this is cute enough!

Okay, that doesn't make any sense. But I love my friends!

night hike

I vaguely remember having gone on a walk in the US when we were in the desert but it wasn't a very long walk. Last Saturday's night hike with some friends from church was the second night hike I've done here in HK and I love night hikes! The view is so much better at night, and I really like walking around in the dark even if it never gets truly dark in HK!! Maybe the trails on the islands or in Sai Kung would be darker. We were hiking on the main island. I don't get to to go on night hikes very often because hiking at night is more dangerous if you don't know the trail, and apparently, a few years ago, hikers were robbed on trails by illegal immigrants. There's less of a problem now but it is still safer to go in a group led by someone who knows what he is doing.

When we get to heaven, I'm going to go on a ton of night hikes!!!!!

beautiful start to the week

Clear blue skies, sunshine, and a mild, crisp breeze....what a glorious Monday! How do I work as unto the Lord this week? What would it mean to live out this week with the conviction that the Lord of the universe is an intimate part of my life, that He guides, leads, and blesses me? What would it mean to live loving others and hoping the best for them?

We persevere because He is faithful