Boss: How are you ?

Me: I'm medicated

Colleague : That means she's happy and it's easy to make her laugh

Me: Oh, that's not difficult to do even when I'm not medicated

Boss: That's true. I used to think it was because I was especially witty and then I noticed that's how she is with everyone else too

Indulgence

I have one recipe for cookies. Low calories, low sugar, and high protein. I just ate six in a row.

first round, done

Relieved. Exhausted. Terrified. Tired. Drained. Glad. Anxious.

Thankful.

So many have really stepped into my life this year to provide mentoring, support, encouragement, time, advice, good cheer, friendship, camaraderie, and perspective as the first round is completed.

Yes, I am going to use the word "completed." The first round is completed. Rounds two and three will be underway this Fall.

But, in the meantime, I really need some rest this week. Before the school year begins again next week. How is it possible that I already have so many meeting scheduled for the next week? My immune system has literally gone haywire.

Lord, help me. Without You, I cannot.

Because I can't, You must.

Psalm 116: 1-2

I love the Lord, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy. Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him for the rest of my life.

so glad the olympics is over

so close, so close

For the first time since my injury, I ran on court last night. I'm still not 100% back to normal, but I'm a lot closer now. That alone, despite insomnia and despite being unproductive in the office today (I really hate working on Saturdays now!!!), I feel so happy. Being able to run really makes a difference. Endorphins, welcome back. You have been greatly missed.

Sights after a typhoon

I love the peace and quiet of the city at the tail end of a typhoon before the T8 sign is officially lifted and people trudge back to work. But nothing beats the smell of rain in Malaysia.

And bumping into Kai, Pris, and Bella at the grocery store the Sunday before the typhoon:

#cityfeelslikevillage

my kite

fellow enablers

Today, K and I helped one another live saner lives.

K: It's okay, you're not Jesus. It's not your job to fix them. I think it's okay for you to focus on your deadline now. You can help when you have the energy and time.

Me: You're sick. Taking two days off to get better is perfectly legitimate.


What is it about our world(s) that make us feel like we need to do everything even when we can't?

Brain fog. A week off from the project was really necessary and it's really helped. But it's still there. I guess that's why they call it brain fog. It's like trying to see everything through cotton wool.

Brain fog is my great enemy. Is it my greatest enemy? I can't even tell because of brain fog.

from an old friend

She knows me so well. (Especially now because her second daughter is turning out to be pretty much like me.)

I just spoke to a funny, female senior colleague about a small worry I had, and she told me that I need to have a "hard heart," and that I need to "toughen up" or I'm never going to make it in this line of work. That's what Carole told me too when I was about to start graduate school.

And of course, neither one of these women have hard hearts, at least in my book. I think what they mean is that I need to let other people bother me. Other people have their own shit to deal with, and they may try to make it my problem, but hey, it's really their problem.

People, deal with your own shit. No truer words have been said.

permission to be emotionally unavailable

I talked to a mutual friend who also knows my visitor well, and this mutual friend gave me permission to focus on my work and ignore how I feel my visitor is unconsciously emotionally needy.

Permission to ignore others' emotional needs! What a thought.

Our Mutual Friend says Visitor needs to work through it on their own. And that it's not my job especially when I have a deadline around the corner.

So thankful for wise Mutual Friends who validate temporary emotional unavailability.

Things non-academic visitors say (that drive me up the wall)

People come to my city for their holidays but they FORGET that I AM NOT ON VACATION, and I CANNOT go on vacation every time people come in. Many people come through, and I'm glad to see them but I'm starting to feel like I can't do it anymore. I want to say yes to most people who want to be on my couch, but it can be tough even when everyone tries hard. Here's shit non-academics say:

"Oh, you set your own schedule?"

Yes, but I have freaking deadlines to make, so no, I can't go to work later just because you're lonely on what you decided was to be *your* solo trip. A solo trip is just that. Solo. You. On. Your. Own. 

No academic would say that because they understand the constant. Freaking. Anxiety.


"Oh! You're going to play badminton tomorrow night?"

Yes, I told you I've been off exercise and badminton for 3 freaking months because of my injury. This would be my first time in three months. Don't take away my reason for living. You're on a solo trip, remember? (See above.)


"So, when are you going on vacation this year?"

Not now. (See above.)



"How do I find my way to your apartment?"

I gave you the address. I asked you to be independent and you said, yes. Google map exists. Use it. (See above.)


"I'll go down with you."

Okay, ride the elevator down with me. Then see above.


"So, you go in early to work just to settle down."

Yes. I have my own way of working. I don't care if you understand it and I don't want to have to explain how I work to you. I really, really don't. No academic would even broach this topic.



I think I'm done with loaning out my couch this year. If anyone wants a vacation, bunking with a stressed out academic on a deadline is not it. Even when you're being well-behaved, I can sense the neediness. Not good. Think about why you decided to plan a solo trip. And keep that firmly fixed in your head. Talk about the weather. Talk about food. Talk about your shopping. And don't ask me about my work.

sponge

Remember how I now have three mentors? Boss, Mentor 1 and Mentor 2. Boss assigned me Mentor 1, and Mentor 2 kind of adopted me this past month. As I explained in an earlier post, M2 has a very different personality from Boss and M1. He talks really fast, always seems to be excited, and radiates constant energy. Boss and M1 are energetic and very much alive too, don't get me wrong. But M2 is energetic in the way only the stereotypical American can be energetic, if you get what I mean. Every time I talk to him--which hasn't been too often--I feel like I need a nap. Just thinking about M2 makes me want to take a break and rest.

M2 is really coming through for me right now while Boss and M1 are away on vacation. He told me on Monday that he'll read a whole draft of the thingamajig if I turn it in to him next Monday. That will give him time to go through it before he gets on the plane again. I won't be able to give M2 a thingamajig that's at all polished. And he's said himself that he won't be helping me with my arguments, but he will take a look at how the project is pitched or framed. That's exactly what I need help with most at this point. (I'll fight the other battles later this month.)

So, I'm thankful. And this week is crazy busy.

But, I also noticed that I tend to absorb the energy of the people I interact with, too much for my own good, maybe. When interacting with Boss and M1, I become quieter. When I'm in the same room as M2 or colleagues like R (who is also American and high energy), I feel like I'm on a buzz and I have a hard time turning off that buzz. Isn't that strange?

And finally, for the 1000th time at least.....writing is so difficult. Ugh.

a body at rest will stay at rest....

I think I've gotten far too used to resting these days. The last couple of weeks were extremely busy and I didn't have either the strength or the head space to get my leg muscles closer to normal, but I really should try to get going again now. My lungs and muscles need some pushing.

Loved the sermon by Pastor Albert today. I didn't know he'd been struggling with an illness for the past nine months. He didn't say what it was but it sounds like he's doing better. It was something to hear about suffering from one of our pastors who has gone through suffering recently. Romans 5:3-5 is meaningful only when invoked by those who know what suffering means. (Please, people who don't know what it means to be in pain, just shut up.)

3 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

A sprained knee is not much (it hurt a lot though), and three months' rest really isn't much in light of much greater sufferings. I am so thankful I didn't have to struggle with more than that. And I'm very thankful that I think I'm starting to see how God is redeeming that time. It was a "waste" insofar as my body hasn't been getting stronger, and I haven't been able to work on my badminton. But I'm realizing that being in pain gave me a lot of practice at being weak.

God decided I needed to be familiar with weakness: to know how it feels, to learn to come to terms with feeling weak, and in feeling weak, to not feel afraid or threatened or anything else but loved by God. And I probably wouldn't have gone back to counseling if I had still been able to deal with stress by sweating it out. (Pastor Albert made a pitch for counseling from the pulpit too; physical pain really can cause a great deal of stress! Even among pastors!)

I can't explain how the verse in 2 Corinthians, how God's strength is made perfect in our weakness, is "true" in a rational, logical manner. But my body knows that to be true now in a visceral way. 

There is no rejoicing over illness and actual physical brokenness. That is not of God's design and can produce no happiness, pleasure, or even the so-called Christian "joy." But I can find joy in how God was there, and is here. Some people will never understand on this side of heaven why they go through certain challenges. 

I'm thankful I can see some reason in this season that is finally coming to an end. It's still a long hard slog ahead to get back to "normal" as far as my body goes. But God is good, and he does love me.

Ambition

Today, at a meeting on gender issues, I watched power at work. I watched how people accrued power to themselves, and delighted in it. I felt in myself a desire for power too. (But no, I need to keep focused!) Power is necessary to get good things done. But is it, really? I would love to see good models of authority at work.

Boss seems to be one of them as far as I am concerned but perhaps that's because he may not desire power in quite the same way. We'll see. Still keeping an eye out. He's a workhorse though, that's for sure.

From Paul: "When we become tired, God works," -- Dietrich bonhoeffer.

I said that that made me feel like crying and he said he hoped it was out of joy. But do we feel only one emotion at a time?

Holy Spirit moving

"The word is always a word for others. Words need to be heard. When we give words to what we are living, these words need to be received and responded to. A speaker needs a listener. A writer needs a reader.

When the flesh - the lived human experience - becomes word, community can develop. When we say, "Let me tell you what we saw. Come and listen to what we did. Sit down and let me explain to you what happened to us. Wait until you hear whom we met," we call people together and make our lives into lives for others. The word brings us together and calls us into community. When the flesh becomes word, our bodies become part of a body of people."

-- Henri Nouwen

TV night

Dog sitting. Bella....

We were watching Russell Peters and Aziz Ansari. So smart and so funny! The comedians, I mean, not Bella. Or me. 

always learning

This week, and probably the next too, are very busy. Job talks and discussions with colleagues about our visitors, a major conference that mentor-SMS is organizing, our own conference next week, and deadlines that are going right by me.....too much.

Noticing that one of my senior colleagues tried to use me, and doing damage control but not knowing if damage control actually worked. I hope so, but with loose lips and crazy people, you never know. Seriously. Crazy people. Nothing you can do with crazy people, I tell you. And they're not only crazy, they're manipulative too.

This is not good for my soul.

But I'm also learning, with the support of C and Kaz, that faith means waiting on God to do immeasurably more than I can imagine.

It's a tough week, but I've had wonderful conversations with a lot of laughter. And I'm learning. I keep learning. That's good for my soul.

What a wonderful thought. I'm waiting to see what God will do, and how it will be "immeasurably more" than I can imagine.

Fear and anxiety are two demons in my life, but C and Kaz, they have the gift of faith. Before I knew I needed them, God brought these friends into my life.

Immeasurably more. What a thought.

better minds

Me: I want to quit.

Old Friend: You haven't reached retirement age yet.


Right......

another mentor???

I go from being left all to my lonesome self for almost all of my time here to acquiring THREE mentors in the last six months. This new one is very different from my first two. He's much louder and talks really fast, and engages in hyperbole almost all of the time. Can you tell that he's American?

I don't think he and Boss gets along, but that's just a suspicion......

Well, he's offered to read stuff, so let's see if he comes through. But glad for the verbal support so far, and he seems to give good advice.

showing up

More and more I'm convinced that half the battle at work is showing up and getting ready for God to do the work. When I say "half the battle," I do mean that showing up and waiting on God really is a battle, and that it does take quite a bit of time.

I'm still thinking this through, but sometimes, even if I don't know what to say or what to write, just sitting there and staring at notes or previous drafts may help. I think. Other times, going home and trying again another seems to help too.

Okay, I guess I really don't know how this works. But at this point, I think I need to try showing up more than going home, unless I'm in between chapters. Come on, God, let's do this! Together!

I believe I've gotten to the point where I can't tell a good sentence from a bad sentence.

Update: Mar calls some of them "evil sentences." You know, the ones that go on for far too long.

people skills

Went to group practice again last night, and Coach spent most of the night yelling at me for favoring my left leg. I didn't even know I was doing that and thought I was walking normally. He's really a pretty good coach. Again, he tried to get me to move a little more than I was willing to do, and he pointed out that I didn't seem to feel any pain, and I had to agree.

I think he was afraid that I would give up on badminton if I don't re-build my muscles and remained fearful of pain. He was right, the thought had crossed my mind, and he was right again, that thought left my mind when I watched others play.

Coach can be a little scary sometimes. In some ways, he may even know me better than my own mom.

what am i doing?

Me: I'm free-writing the ___ now, and I'm TERRIFIED. If I'm making the claim I think I'm making.....I mean, it's a pretty big claim!

Colleague: I think that's how it works. You kinda need to make a pretty big claim to get pubs interested, and to have people read it.

Me: Maybe you're right.


But, I'm still terrified. What would I do without friends, really?


A few days ago, I met with my new mentor who gave me feedback on The Proposal for what seems like the 110th revision.

He started by saying, "Well, this is ambitious...." and when he saw the look on my face, he followed that up with, "No, no, this is good, pubs love ambitious projects. And, if you're not waking up in the middle of the night because of this, then something's wrong. So, you're doing exactly the right thing."

I haven't really struggled much with insomnia recently, but since that conversation, I haven't been able to sleep well. Ambition in men is alright, but ambition in women? Much less kosher. Still, I just want to be able to complete this project. And if I could get help with that, making it less ambitious if necessary, and as long as everything goes through, I might be a lot less terrified.

Saturday

First, I get stuck in the elevator on campus and now my computer won't turn on. Well, at least I am not running from ISIS and it's relatively cool in my office. Summer heat is on!

Followed by rain....

getting close, but not quite

It's been six weeks and counting. I will be joining the group lesson tonight but will not move. I'll just hit from one spot. My coach is really sweet to invite me over and let me practice a little. He says won't let me do too much even if I want to. I've rested a lot in the past six weeks, but I'm constantly tired too. I've missed exercise, but my body hasn't been up for it either.

The knee gets a little better almost every day, but it's remarkable how LONG this is taking, and how it is still sore. I will never take my body for granted again.

So I'm praising God even if I don't feel like it. And when I do, strangely enough, sometimes I actually begin to feel like praising Him.

But God shouldn't go around thinking that I enjoy this season, because I don't. I'm watching so much TV my eyes are turning square. Still, it's useful because it does interrupt my meditations on the fragility of the human body.


But we pray, knowing that God is able.
And we trust, knowing that He is good.

Gift from student

I really should teach a first year course again. It's amazing to follow the progress of students you meet in their first years. But first, my department has to find someone else to teach the mandatory second-year course so I can switch over....

Season of small mercies

Sprained my knee on April 19, so it has been almost five weeks to the day. I walked uphill to work this morning with almost zero pain, but it does still feel awkward. Almost as if my knee is out of place. There's still some clicking when I walk. But I'm thankful that the pain has been reduced greatly over the weekend.

Not pleased about missing basically all of dragon boat season now. Even if I can start exercising again next week, I can't possibly race in June.

The last five weeks have been very hard. The only thing I can look forward to now is hoping that I'll be able to get back to court in the very near future. I'll see the Alternative Doctor again this Friday.

Things I've learned:

- when you have a traumatic injury to a joint that you use all the time, "rest" is not at all restful.

- fish soup.....fish soup is healing and I wish I had started drinking earlier than the 4th week of injury.

- strangers can be very kind and very considerate.

- but there are some who just don't give a shit and will walk very fast close to you, cane or no cane.

- taxi drivers and minibus drivers in HK need serious counseling. They should be made to pass a mental health exam before being allowed to drive.

- friends are great to have, but I'm learning that some friends aren't very good at being empathetic. In facts, some are just downright terrible at it. Sigh.

- I'm going to start with calcium supplements. And add more veggies and nuts to my diet.

- I love badminton.