angry and helpless

I just learned today that the dept chair was told that I had already accepted the offer. Unfortunately, I don't even have a contract in hand! It boggles my mind. This makes me feel so helpless and thus angry and fearful because based on some of the advice I've been getting, I really should accept this offer anyway even if I don't know what the contract is.

Life really sucks sometimes.

calm down

Last night in my dreams, I figured out what my problem is. I don't deal well with change. Everything will work itself out in its time. My job is to learn how to rest in the midst of all the chaos.

Ps - I do hope the techies here will be able to set up a teleconferencing classroom for me. :)

GAAAGGGGHHHHHH!!!!

There are reasons why Friend J will never travel with me. And here's yet one more reason why. I have to go to London for a conference in early April and because I have my Paperwork all set, I thought I'd be fine. Well, I just realized that I'd forgotten that I need to have my passport updated when I get to London. I just called the embassy in the UK and not only did they charge me an exorbitant sum for the phone call, they can't give me an appointment until April 6. My departure date from London to LA is currently April 8 because I need to get back here to teach on April 10!! Apparently, they are so busy that I probably won't get my passport back until April 17 at the earliest!!!!

I just sent an email to the dept techie to see if he can help me set up a teleconference-ready classroom for the two three-hour classes that at this point, I will have to miss. I can't make up two weeks of class!! I'm really keeping my fingers crossed that I will be able to teach via webcam. I hate being away from my life for this long.

This is totally my fault because I forgot to make an appointment earlier, but when I checked with another embassy in the fall, they told me that because my Paperwork has all been approved, I probably won't have any trouble and that my processing procedure/time would be expedited. AAGGGHHHH!!!!!

Join my charity giving team here! My project through the Mocha Club:

In Africa, employment equals the ability to feed your children or not. A woman not being a sex worker is not necessarily about her personal dignity; it is about whether or not she can feed her children. But creating jobs is more than just creating employment. It requires counseling the former sex worker through her heart issue, and teaching fiscal responsibility to the young father with four children whose wife died of AIDS.

This is the holistic approach we take with this restoring work. We do this work primarily through small business loans and job skills training. First, when giving a small business loan to someone, you must help them to create a business plan.

This includes anything from selling charcoal for cooking to selling grain at the market. We teach business management skills, and then help them to launch the business. We mentor through running their business and through teaching life skills necessary to do so. Then, with job skills training, we teach various skills: sewing and garment making, carpentry, knitting and weaving, bead making, and even computer skills and literacy training.

We do all of this so that those we serve will become self supportive and independent...and then we'll move on to the next family.

confusion

I bumped into my mentor outside my office building when I was coming back from the library and we had a conversation about "the decision." I love talking to her--she's so calm and wise and optimistic.

My church home group will also be praying with me about this. The group leader is someone I respect and I think he has something to say about something new related to "the decision" so I hope we'll get to talk before others get to his house for this week's meeting. I love carrying J's (the group leader) and L's (his wife) baby so if I go earlier, I'll get to hold the baby before the others get there. Muahahaha . . . . . (that's the sound of evil laughter, btw.)

Oh, a funny story: I had to call my mentor's name a couple of times before she realized it was me. Then she said, "Oh, hi! I wasn't looking . . . . You look like a little girl in your jeans!" Great, thanks, just what I wanted to hear.

It's fine to look "young" but I don't particularly want to look too young. I usually dress up when I teach or when I have to attend lectures but now that the winter quarter is over--I have to grade final papers, ugh!!--I've reverted to my student clothes.

this is me, trying to do the research for my conference paper

perspectives

This pretty much describes my spiritual, emotional, and intellectual growth. Being around me isn't easy for my friends. Especially when I have to make decisions. But God is still God, regardless of what I decide.

Got this image from this site that has a lot of other b/w photos.

how delicate the balance . . .

A friend just made a comment/observation about the decision I was thinking of making and I may now have to reconsider that decision. Well. It is good to have both eyes wide open, and as difficult as all this has been, at the very least, I'm being forced to learn how to be more patient and how to live with uncertainties. A lot of them.

feeling better

I slept last night without the help of cold meds--good to break this addiction before it becomes too entrenched. :)

And I just noticed that 21 students have already signed up for my class next quarter, and the class is limited to 20 spots only. Previously, I was worried that I would have perhaps two students as I have been assigned to teach on Friday afternoon in the Spring Quarter. That is traditionally the slot of death because no one wants to be on campus at that time. Three of my students from this quarter have signed up for my spring class and that's a compliment of sorts! It's surprising to me because one of my current students from the same class has complained that I'm a hard grader.

I absolutely need to write the paper that I'm supposed to present at a conference in London soon. The topic is interesting but I'm so early in my research stage that I can't help but feel a little nervous too. Much to do! Much to do!

Oh, and I may be coming closer to a decision that I have to make but what's exciting about that is the fact that I may actually be pleased with my decision.

the source of my indigestion

Been having trouble with my stomach lately--find that I have to drink more milk just to keep it calm. I'm trying not to read the news because well, where will all the outrage go? I found this article (on where bailout money is going) through Ariana Huffington's column, and another column on Huffington Post wonderfully explains why the Jon Stewart clip below has been such a hit. My professional work lacks the courage and honesty of an 8-minute comedy act. Well, maybe one day I'll be able to say that Comedy Central was an intellectual inspiration.

Oh, and one more rant here--this time by Frank Schaeffer, yes, the son of the L'abri founders.

must watch, must share

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

CNBC Gives Financial Advice

Daily Show Full Episodes
Important Things With Demetri Martin

Political Humor
Joke of the Day

more funny dog pictures

I love my life and I love my God, but this picture really says it all!

to be free

During times like these, I am ever mindful of and thankful for the body of Christ and friends who are willing to speak with honesty and love.

Jeremiah 29:11-13
"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me whole-heartedly, you will find me.

Romans 15:13
I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.

1 John 4:18
Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love.

Romans 8:28
And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.

Romans 5:3-5
Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

2 Samuel 22:3, 32, David's Song of Praise
My God is my rock, in whom I take refuge,
my shield and the horn of my salvation.
He is my stronghold, my refuge and my savior--
from violent men you save me.

[. . . .]

For who is God besides the Lord?
And who is the Rock except our God?

Psalm 31:2-3
Turn your ear to me,
come quickly to my rescue;
be my rock of refuge,
a strong fortress to save me.

Since you are my rock and my fortress,
for the sake of your name lead and guide me.

Psalm 61:1-2

¹ Hear my cry, O God;
listen to my prayer.

² From the ends of the earth I call to you,
I call as my heart grows faint;
lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

cough

Been ill with a cough and sore throat. Spent most of the past couple of days sleeping and watching TV. Feel like canceling class tomorrow morning, actually. Sigh. Still feel really heavy-headed and not myself. Glad that I'm able to rest but wish I didn't feel so bad!!!! I suppose if I didn't feel this bad, I wouldn't rest. :)

Sometimes, I wonder what I learned in graduate school. I don't mean that to be as critical as it first comes across. Now that I have some idea of how I'd actually like to revise the dissertation, I am sometimes too impatient with myself--I wish I'd read a lot more during grad school! Although, I do think that in grad school, we are forced to read so much so quickly and in such fragmentary ways that we retain hardly anything of what we'd read. This is why most of of my teachers took 10 years to complete their PhD's! And now we are expected to finish them in 5-6 years?

We had a pretty long lapse between postdoc events and I was so happy to be back with the group yesterday. We will have another event next week before another long, much lamented lapse again. Life is crazy busy as usual but I'm loving it most of it. I hate having to think about life after this postdoc.

This image is appropos of nothing personal

I stumbleupon-ed this drawing and its caption on this site and couldn't resist putting it up because the analogy it draws is ironic and socially relevant.

On another note, I came upon a different sort of realization last night during my church home group meeting. It's not very profound but it was personally timely and helpful. My desires and dreams are important and relevant. But in the face of God, they become less so. This is not to say that I will repress whatever hopes and fears I have, and letting them go does not mean they are not important or that they are morally wrong. It just means that God matters more, that's all.

That realization not only freed me to acknowledge that I have desires, it also freed me from being consumed by them.

falling back into normal

After meeting my deadline last week, my body crashed again. I've been sleeping about 10-12 hours a day for the past few days but I'm no longer worried. I'm resigned to how my body has to recover after I push it hard for awhile, and I look forward to how my body will recover so that I can work with pleasure again.

This morning, I woke up feeling a little better than I did the past couple of days and the next week looks pretty interesting as far as postdoc commitments go--a couple of interesting lectures and hopefully I'll have the energy to start reading a couple of books that I've been wanting to read for awhile now. Hopefully, I won't have another unexpected crazy deadline any time soon.

inspiring

Lately, I've been wondering if staying away from the papers will keep my spirits up, and I think that it will. I did come across this NYT column on earth-friendly technological innovation that made me feel good though.

oh well, whatever

I know that it's probably not very "spiritual" to take pleasure in praise, but I can't help it, I am going to take pleasure in a word of affirmation from an unexpected source. Yesterday, I sent my former supervisor something I wrote recently but I didn't expect her to read it--for very good reasons that I shouldn't go into anywhere--and she wrote back this morning to say that she glanced through it very quickly and that she thinks I have made "enormous strides." What's even more exciting is that she also indicated that she might read my document more carefully in the near future to offer guidance on how I might proceed in the coming months.

Forgive me, I am only human. With this piece of good news, I am looking forward to a very restful and happy weekend. (Minus the vacuuming, mopping, laundry, and bill-paying of course.)

more stumbling

I really like this picture but I don't know why, especially since the caption says "Mustard gas party"!!

stumbleupon!

I love the stumbleupon application! It's my new favorite way to take a break. Once you install the toolbar, all you have to do is click on an icon and it automatically takes you to sites with cool pictures or news or videos. I usually click on the image icon to be directed to random images on the web. Most of the images are of art installations or photos by professional and/or amateur photographers. Some of the images are political statements that are very well done but I don't have time to save them although I really probably should as they might be helpful one day. But I don't partly because I don't want my stumbling to seem like work. So, here's one image that I will never use for work.

Isn't it nice to feel protected?

Monday

I've always been somewhat perplexed by friends who live in the non-academic world, especially when they complained about hating Mondays. Why should Monday be any different?? What, you mean you don't work on weekends?? But I've been trying to take weekends off most weeks for the past few months now and have gotten a taste for what it's like to actually have weekends off.

I woke up today wishing it was the start of the weekend. I've noticed that when I take time off to rest on weekends--without running errands, cleaning, paying bills, or trying to catch up on work--I am much more productive and excited to be back at work on Mondays.

Oh, and I've been assigned to teach on Fridays from 2-5pm in the Spring quarter. My friends tell me I won't have any students. Great.

Epiphany

I just realized this morning that I constantly live as if I'm on the brink of disaster. That's just not a healthy way to live. And even if I feel that way, it may not be true and it's probably not true.

compass

Okay. I need to calm down and re-center myself. Okay.

oh no, not again . . .

You know, I think that a lot of my stress is also partly a result of multiple and repeated UNEXPECTED deadlines that disrupt whatever schedule I have in my head. Okay, some deadlines I can predict, and some deadlines should have been predicted, but then there are those things that are impossible to predict. Those "unknown unknowns"--I can't believe I'm quoting Dick Cheney, ptooey--such as the one that was made known this morning, are like a blow to the head.

I am busy enough! I have enough to do, really! I'm not bored! I can't remember the last time I actually felt bored! The last thing I need right now is something that, while good, just leaves me a little . . . breathless. I want to sit and hold my head and not do anything--the very posture that I cannot adopt. Okay, maybe I will do just that for a couple of minutes.

Hmmm.

These past couple of days, I've been feeling really anxious and low in spirits again--probably the most anxious I've felt since last March, probably. Without going too much into it, I think it's related to low self-worth.

Must. Work. Against. That.

Sigh. I don't know why I keep struggling with this issue. I just hope it is not the thorn in my side that will plague me all my life.

the ride doesn't end

I still feel like I'm on a roller-coaster with very high highs and very low lows. I supposed I should resign myself to it!

Lunch in Chinatown last weekend was pretty bad, actually. I can't believe any restaurant in Chinatown can serve food that badly cooked. Most of its patrons were non-Chinese, so no wonder. But after lunch we did grocery shopping and it turned out we were there in time to see their annual CNY parade! It was a bit strange as you can see from the pictures my friend S took.

This week, I'll be happy to get as much work done as possible. Feeling pretty tired out again but I need to turn in textbook requests this week besides all my usual work. This Sunday, Friend M--the tallest one in the Chinatown pictures--is having us over at her place for empanadas, the Argentinian version of curry puff. The dough is heavier and the filling has no curry. :) So, I do have fun times to look forward too. I just wish I weren't so tired all the time!!!!

Oh yeah, and I played badminton last Friday. I was so happy to be playing and I can't understand why I ever stopped. But I also did bruise my big toe badly from lunging for a shuttle and I'm hoping that I will be able to play this Friday. If I could move faster, I wouldn't have to lunge and risk bruising my toe. But I haven't had time/energy to run or practice sprints. The bottom of my big toenail is purple and black now which means I can look forward to growing a new toenail over the next few weeks. Sigh.