Hurry Sickness

I'm really enjoying the kindle app on my Galaxy Tab! It works way better than the ebook app. Kindle versions of books are now only a little cheaper than the print versions but since shipping to HK is about the same price of the book, I now buy some of my books via Kindle....so long as I don't need them for work because Amazon still hasn't put page numbers on their ebooks!!! Hello, we need to CITE!!!

I've finished Gilbert Bilezikian's "Beyond Sex Roles" and the anthology "How I Changed My Mind About Women in Leadership," and am now reading John Ortberg's "The Life You've Always Wanted." I loved Bilezikian's book for its organization and thoroughness and I found the anthology really helpful because it showed how there is a whole spectrum of positions and responses among those who call themselves egalitarian. Someone like Tony Campolo argues in no uncertain terms that gender inequality within the church is tantamount to sin, while others take a more conciliatory approach as they play pastoral roles in their congregations. Many of the male evangelical leaders also detail their long resistance to changing their minds about the position of women in the church too, and it was just wonderful to hear all of that.

Ortberg's book is a "spiritual disciplines for dummies"-type book, and I appreciate his approach. I have Richard Foster's book but I had to put it down after a couple of chapters because I felt too guilty after failing at meditation. We'll see how far I actually get with Ortberg's book, but so far I like how he quotes other spiritual giants such as Brother Lawrence on how we will always be beginners at prayer.....even Brother Lawrence never felt that he ever "mastered" prayer! This Saturday, I will be joining other folks from the women's ministry in my church on a day-long silent retreat before playing badminton in the evening. I'll bring along a list of exercises I can try!

This week, I'd like to pay attention to "Hurry Sickness." I fit the bill for all the symptoms, and I love that the cures to hurry sickness are pretty funny. One strategy is to choose the longest line in the grocery store, or if you're driving, then choose the slowest lane. I'm totally the kind of person who keeps track of the other line that I could've chosen to see if I've made the right choice, and when the other line moves faster than the line I ended up picking, I feel frustrated. But why? What does saving a couple of minutes add to my day??

More importantly, the choice to live in an unhurried manner recognizes and proclaims our dependence on God. As an act of faith, it declares that the Author of Time has given us enough time to do what He has called us to do. As an act of faith, it reminds us to love and depend on Him, and to love others. In my hurry, I often end up snapping at strangers here in crowded, bustling HK, and worse yet, I snap at family and friends, but to what purpose? My life is not happier nor am I more productive because I get someplace five minutes earlier. I'm going to consciously practice unhurriedness now. My relationships will probably improve, and I'm going to keep my fingers crossed that my work will be all the better for it too!

the weekend needs to start now.....

Yesterday, I gave a 2-hr lecture, and after that about 10 students held me back for 30 mins for more questions and discussions. That has never happened before and I don't think I have the energy to do that every week, but I love seeing students engage with difficult ideas. If I had to give myself a grade as a lecturer, yesterday's performance would be a B at best, but those few students turned that class into an A! I'm the lucky duck.

I'm also learning a few lessons on the badminton court. I don't have the energy to blog about that now and hopefully I won't forget them too soon!

intense

I had lunch with my homegroup leader today and it was immensely helpful. She helped me see how I was starting to get cross-eyed from chasing my tail as I tried to figure out a few issues in my head. Sometimes it does help to get an outsider's perspective on things and she had very useful suggestions for how I might approach the problem. She noticed that I'm perhaps relying on myself too much and that I need to relax and trust that God is in control. I didn't think I was relying on myself too much....after all, I think that I'm not doing enough! But I will try trusting God a little more just to see what happens. 

well-meaning

Do you have well-meaning friends who take the time and trouble to give you good advice but sometimes it feels misdirected? I'm thinking of a sweet old friend who recently suggested that I check out a popular Bible study group guide (BSF, for those of you in the church circles) and I'm thinking, "Are you for real?" Something like that would put me to sleep and make me impatient with Christianity.

It's like someone saying to a health-freak, "Hey, have you heard of granola bars? You should try them, they are a really health way to snack!" Sure, granola bars are probably better than potato chips or candy corn but fyi, granola bars, especially the commercial kinds, are terrible for you because they have a ton of corn syrup in them. So if you're trying to snack healthy, and you absolutely love granola bars, do yourself a favor and grab the kind made by an organic company and check the label to see how much sugar it has. Better yet, just eat a piece of fruit!! (I carry organic granola bars for hiking trips when fruit is too squishy or heavy to carry around.)

Okay, so maybe BSF isn't best compared to a granola bar and I'm sure courses like Alpha and BSF are great for some people but I prefer to read actual books. I get enough of talk in my work.

If you've never seen candy corn before, here's a picture. I liked them in college but the thought of eating a single candy corn gives me a headache. (My poison of choice is potato chips.)

hangovers

I don't drink and I don't party but my weekends are busy enough that I am barely functional when the week starts off. Gotta slow down.

confession

If I can't explain a concept to my HK undergrads, it means I don't understand it. Luckily, I don't have to explain Levinas to them.

so far to go

A few things I think I need to work on in this season of life:

1. Learn to speak out of conviction in humility, kindness, peace, patience, gentleness, and kindness.
2. Learn to be patient as others walk with God. If I can only grow as fast as grace allows, others do too!
3. Learn to wait on the Lord as he continues to speak to me about how to use my gifts, and where to use them. The answer may not come for awhile, and in the meantime, I am to be faithful in the context within which I've been placed.

And no, I'm not being hard on myself. I'm actually quite calm and peaceful about my life right now.

Soli deo gloria.

the tango

One step forward, two steps back....Had a great weekend of friendship, rest, play, and TV, and I felt like I was on a roll. Then Monday comes and I feel like a failure all over again. Grumble, grumble, moan.

My readings on women's role in the church over the last week or so, and the sermon I listened to this morning, have made me think again about the question of calling, gifts, and life direction. That is to say, I have no direction, I think I'm using my gifts, but I don't know what my calling is. I do enjoy teaching, especially when they are liberal arts college type classes, i.e. small, engaged, and intense, but I am currently struggling with the writing portion of my job. This is a bit of a concern since I do need to publish to keep an academic job. But a part of me also wonders if there are other things I'd like to do. I don't have any answers now and I'm not stressing out about it. I'm just going to let those thoughts percolate for awhile.

next week

This week was relatively quiet because I cut down on badminton and social sessions, but oops, next week looks busy again with dodgeball, badminton, lunch, a movie, church home group, etc. I think I'm going to need to have a quiet week after a busy week. I don't like it when there are too many people around me!!

poopy face

Recently, a friend said some things that really hurt me. That friend may not have meant to hurt me but sometimes I wonder why people are not more careful with their words. Surely everyone knows that certain topics or issues are hurtful so why turn those things into a joke? Friendship does not mean one can be rude or take liberties with another person's feelings. My way of dealing with this problem is to avoid the friendship for awhile until I can go back. I don't trust myself to say anything right now.

But I learned two lessons yesterday that are precious to me for the simple fact that they came in a quiet whisper. (No, I didn't hear an audible whisper, but these thoughts brought peace and calm with them.) Some lessons come with thunder and lightning, and these ones were gentle:

1. I realized that I felt like a boat being tossed about in the storm all over again. Then a little voice said: "But when Jesus walked on water, he did it in a storm."

2. Women let the world fix their worth too much. Popular culture shapes normative ideas of feminine beauty (shape, size, height, accoutrements, etc.), and consequently, they fix our value as women too because they tell us that we are valued based on how attractive we are to men. But those aren't biblical values at all, and it really irks me when Christian women friends reproduce those beliefs or assumptions in their friendships. Really, I don't need to hear it from you. Sigh. What does it mean to be a woman of God?

The leaderless resistance

We see evidence of the desire for redeemed social structures in protests such as Occupy Wall St, especially in their self-descriptions: "Occupy Wall Street is leaderless resistance movement with people of many colors, genders and political persuasions. The one thing we all have in common is that We Are The 99% that will no longer tolerate the greed and corruption of the 1%."

stages of life

I'm not sure what stage of life I'm going through now, but sometimes I feel like my head is going to explode. I'm not as productive as I'd like to be at work but I still feel like I'm learning a ton. So many different thoughts are running through my head these days, and some of it I manage to put down in my paper diary, and some of them I put here. But far too many slip away!

I've put Kenneth Bailey aside for awhile because his writing is quite dry, and now I'm reading Nouwen's "The Genesee Diary" before bed. Watching a spiritual giant struggle with discipline, focus, prayer, faith, and gentleness reminds me to be more patient with myself. Will also be ordering Walter Brueggemann's "Introduction to the Old Testament" and "Theology of the Old Testament" so that I can learn more about the Old Testament. Those won't come for awhile, but I'm not worried because I have 3-4 of Ken Bailey's books still sitting on my desk! I'm also thinking of getting NT Wright's 3-volume Christian Origins and the Question of God, but let's see how I feel tomorrow.

I bought the Kindle edition of Beyond Sex Roles and after the first chapter on the Genesis passages, I became an egalitarian. That said, I do think that the commonalities between egalitarians and complementarians are far stronger and more important than their differences. But the biblical interpretation in Bilezikian is so impressive. I wish I could pay such close attention to the texts with which I work!

The only thing I regret is having gotten the book on Kindle for Android. Even though I loved being able to start reading the book almost immediately, I really really wish the kindle app shows page numbers. There is no way to say, turn to page XX for an example of how the author changed the way I think of church leadership in and of itself! By changing the way we understand the nature and constitution of leadership within the church, the question of whether or not a woman can be a leader becomes moot. (And then, for good measure, he goes on to provide numerous biblical examples of women leaders in the home and in church anyway.)

I'm tempted to also get this other book with essays from evangelical leaders and pastors on how they became egalitarians because some of the reviewers were particularly impressed with Cornelius Plantinga's essay, but I can't decide if I want to get it via Kindle, or get the hard copy so I can loan it out.


This question of woman's place in the Bible has dogged me for awhile, and I've evaded answering the question for myself until now. I had a conversation about this with my CG leader and his wife when I was still in LA and they are complementarians, and after talking to them, I found out that they are not very different from egalitarians, really, and their position is similar to this book here. Complementarians also agree that women are equal in the eyes of God, they merely argue that men and women have different cultural roles to play.

I still need to think more about the idea that men and women have different roles because I think there are good lessons to be gleaned there, but I am also convinced that the exegetical and hermeneutical work found in the egalitarian position gets us closer to what God may have envisioned for his creation.

Part of me realizes that my hesitance to come down on one side or the other of the gender debate has something to do with how I'm afraid that my position will make the pool of single, available, Christian men even smaller than it already is. That may be the case, but I am now convinced that my response is an act of obedience and faith. Strangely enough, reading this book here on the complementarian position was what gave me the courage because it pointed out that God is the one who provides what we need, including our spouses, so I will stick to my convictions.

joy

I happen to have a very busy social schedule this week: Mon-gym, Tues-dodgeball, Wed-badminton, Thurs-badminton, Fri-badminton, Sat-badminton, Sun-massage+lunch, and then Mon, dinner at a friend's place. I usually don't play so much badminton but so far I am loving my week! I'm also looking forward to a quiet Sun night at home.

Wed's session wasn't as fun because the group doesn't have players who are consistent, and paradoxically, when that is the case, it becomes harder to play well and you end up moving more because you can't anticipate the rallies (how do you anticipate strange shots?). I loved last night's session because when you play with people who are good at the game, you do have to move a lot and think a lot and each game is always different, but every rally seems like part of a well-oiled machine.....as if everything is the way it should be.

One of my favorite routines now is the journey back from my favorite badminton clubs: first take the MTR to Causeway Bay, and then on my walk from the MTR station to the minibus station, buy a stick of boiled beef/fish-balls, and finally as I walk by the folks selling juice, get a cup of freshly squeezed carrot juice, with no sugar or milk or anything else. The wait for the minibus can sometimes be long esp on Sat nights, but I don't mind if I have my beefball stick and carrot juice!!

I can't explain just how happy this makes me. And I get to do this again tonight and tomorrow night!!!!!!!!

relief

The last week or so was tough emotionally because I had to give up something in my life. It wasn't a desire for something bad, in fact, it was all the more tougher because it was a desire for something good. But I'm pretty sure that God was saying no. I don't know if the no will change into a yes in the future, and I'm okay with not knowing.

Last night, the darkness started to lift, and I feel on the top of the world again this morning. All this goes to show that as difficult as things can be sometimes, eventually, life will get better. I just have to remember this the next time this happens again!

old habits

Hebrews 11:6

New International Version (NIV)

⁶ And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.

Hebrews 11:6

New Living Translation (NLT)

⁶ And it is impossible to please God without faith. Anyone who wants to come to him must believe that God exists and that he rewards those who sincerely seek him.

I have a bad habit of bracing myself for the worst, so that if the worst does happen, I'll be ready emotionally. I'm not sure anymore that it actually helps me emotionally because it seems like I still have a hard time anyway, except that I have to go through the pain twice. So now, I'm going to trust that whatever happens will be good. It may not always be easy but our God is a redeemer God.

This is an especially difficult lesson to put into practice when you're feeling like you have no control over your life even when you have so much to be thankful for. Yes, I'm conflicted.

stating the obvious

I've been a Christian for a very long time and I'm surprised it hasn't occurred to me before that when seen through Christ, everything changes. Now that I'm thinking of it, maybe I have thought about it before, or perhaps I've heard of a sermon illustration that uses a crystal or a prism to explain something about the nature of God. But this lesson resonates with me very deeply in this moment. When seen through Christ, everything changes.

When seen through Christ, everything changes.

It's amazing.

Sunday September 11, 2011
 
Guarding Our Souls
 
The great danger of the turmoil of the end-time in which we live is losing our souls.
 Losing our souls means losing touch with our center, our true call in life, our
 mission, our spiritual task.  Losing our soul means becoming so distracted by and
preoccupied with all that is happening around us that we end up fragmented, confused,
and erratic.  Jesus is very aware of that danger.  He says:  "Take care not to be
deceived, because many will come using my name and saying, 'I am the one' and 'The
time is near at hand'  Refuse to join them" (Luke 21:8).
 
In the midst of anxious times there are many false prophets, promising all sorts
 of "salvations."  It is important that we be faithful disciples of Jesus, never
 losing touch with our true spiritual selves.
 
- Henri J. M. Nouwen

back home, phew

Had a lovely time in the UK but was getting tired of living out of a suitcase by the end. My apt now looks like a bomb has hit it with my bags half unpacked, clean laundry strewn on the window seat, books and papers all over my table, and everything's just dusty!!! I'm in the office now getting a few things done but will leave soon to get groceries and then unpack and clean this afternoon.

I just love seeing old friends again, I really do. The conference went alright, and so did the archives. But the highlights of the trip were good conversations and good company.

I feel like I'm still in a fog as far as my work is concerned. I seem to have lost the ability and motivation to focus on my goals and head toward them. That said, I have picked up a number of skills along the way, and hopefully those skills are slowly becoming second-nature so I don't always have to slog quite so hard to get things done.

Now, if only the jet-lag would go away! I'd like to feel energetic enough to go back to the gym!

Traveling is inconvenient and I especially hate airports. But it does keep me humble! The world is so vast and its cultures really so diverse, who is to say that any one of us really understands the way the world works?

Kew Garden

The archives are cold. I haven't found anything useful for my current project but I think I have a couple of things for the next project (still in its infancy). I'm also not sure I am looking in the right places here. I have a student RA tracking a few items down and they're available in libraries in London, where I'll be in a few days. After saying goodbye to 3rd aunt, cousin and cousin's kids in St Albans, I felt strangely homesick--strange because I don't see this side of the family a whole lot!! There are two female researchers from Japan in my B&B so it's nice to talk to them in the mornings. Unfortunately, I am no longer jet-lagged. This means I'm starting to sleep later and later and wake up later and later too.

Paris III

I had a total of two breakfasts and lunches in Paris. Skipped dinners because I was too full from lunch. Third day, I went to the Sacre Coeur, the Butte of Montmartre, Haussmann, Moulin Rouge (disappointing because small), and then I ended up in the 18th Arrondissement, which looked like it was an immigrant enclave of the city. It was a great trip and now I understand why one of my friends from church would like to live and work in Paris for a couple of years. I would too!

Paris II

Went to a farmer's market, had a croissant and 4 fresh figs for breakfast. Then to the Pantheon, Notre Dame, Latin Quarter, Place d'Italie, Musee d'Orsay, boat tour of the Seine, and the Eiffel Tower. I know my legs are still attached to my body because they hurt. A lot.

Paris I

Arrived at about noon, walked from Concorde to the Marais, around the Marais then the Louvre and finally to the Tour Montparnasse, and finally let before dark because my feet, ankles, hips, and shoulders were in pain. Now I I know why my friends love Paris!!

insomnia explained?

So last night's decision was pretty major and I'm happy with it. I probably got only about 4 hrs of sleep after all the tossing and turning but am feeling pretty good this morning. As most of my friends and loved ones point out, stress is a major cause of insomnia and I've noticed that certain things--office politics and job insecurities among them--trigger especially virulent bouts of insomnia. Last night's was terrible but I realize that I worked through a few things in the process. Perhaps this was one of my "dark nights of the soul"? It's not wise to post about the major issue I worked through but I can talk about some of it!

I think I've said this before in previous posts, and I wish I had the sense to tag those posts, but every good thing I've had since starting grad school has come from the Lord. (I'm sure that is true of life before grad school too but right now I can't remember that far back!) I have not played a major role in obtaining the great blessings in my work life: the postdoc at UCLA; my job here at HKU (yes, it's stressful but it's still been a blessing); being invited to be part of the editorial board of a small, new journal (I have no idea who they are so they certainly don't know me); being asked to be a reviewer at a journal (how did they find me too??); and the recent GRF (my grant proposal was super messy and not very clear now that I look back on it). All these things are important little steps in my journey and I did nothing to deserve them. I'm sure there are many other blessings too but these are the ones that mean the most to me right now.

I've been made to slog very hard for the one journal pub I have, and I will have to slog very hard over the next pub in the pipeline, so while they are also blessings, man, I have to earn these ones. Teaching has also been a blessing for which I've had to work hard. I recently found out that my teaching evaluation scores for the most recent semester were slight above the dept average in all areas. Personally, the stats don't matter to me as much as the written comments--I haven't seen the ones for the most recent semester--but I know the numbers will matter when I go through my annual review meeting early next week. So, for this, I am very thankful too.

I am sorry if I grumble too much and I am trying to be more thankful. I am especially thankful for friends who don't give up on me!! Prayer has been dry for a very long time and I haven't had the "feel good" spiritual highs for awhile. But God does give wisdom to those who ask for it. That is irrefutable.

Update
Despite the lack of sleep, I've had a very alert and productive day, woohoo!!

you heard it here first

If I don't get another academic job by June 2013, I'm giving up on academia. The stresses associated with the job is just not worth it. It's hard enough to do good work but the politics that come with it are a further drag on one's general well-being.

try and try again

Late last week, I decided that I was not going to let anxiety and uncertainty take away the joy of having a job this year. Going back on the job market isn't any fun and my anxiety levels get doubled on bad days. Everything I have has been given to me and yet it worries me. Or perhaps it worries me because I have no control over these things. Is it my imagination, or was faith easier when I was younger? Did I struggle as much then too and I'm misremembering now? Do I get more anxious with age?

I may never know, so I'll just keep plodding on and on the days when faith comes easily, I will be thankful. :)

James 1:2-4
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, wherever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking in anything.

news and violence

Riots and looting in London. Famine in East Africa. Syria still troubled. Europe and US economies tanking again. Can the news get any worse?

video chat

I've never liked to use webcams, mostly because I only had it on my laptop at home and not in my office. The laptop webcam shows how messy my apt is!! I just got a webcam for the office so that I can work with a friend on the East Coast of the US, and luckily, it shows the shelves behind me, and not my messy table. Working with Friend S (twice now) has been really useful! I hope we can keep this going because I have so much to get done.

I really wonder if my trouble with sleeping well at night is psychological or if there is something wrong with me! I've grumbled enough about it on this blog but I also remember college and high school friends making fun of how tired I was during the day even back then.....so the problem really isn't new.

Well, went to a traditional Chinese medicine (TCM) doctor last Sat and have been brewing and drinking the really horrible-tasting herbal medicine for two days now. Two more days to go, I hope I can hold the medicine down. At first it was bad but bearable. Now, it's just horrible horrible horrible.

Tomorrow, I'll be trying out for a dodge ball team someone from my church is putting together. I've never played it before but it looks fun and I like playing on teams. I also thought this would be a good way to meet more Christian guys. From the Cc list on the email, it looks like a lot of other women had the same idea. I won't be irritated if they happen to be good at the game, but if they're going to be the kind of women who are fragile and need to be protected......ugh.

We'll see if I take to the game or not!!

procrastination again

Where has July gone??? Where has July gone???? How did time fly by so quickly??? Why do I have so little done???? I need to get an alarm clock that wakes me up and KEEPS me awake.

Oh Lord, I need your redeeming grace.

headache

Not feeling great but not sure what's the cause. July is already passing by so quickly!! I am not working well even though I know I need all the time I have to get things done. Oh boy!!!

After getting back from my trip to the US, I've been on a junk boat trip--courtesy of a church friend who got to use her law firm's boat--and the bersih rally here in HK. I waited and waited for someone else to organize it then I got tired of waiting and did it myself. We had over 70 people for the event, and I was inspired by the people who took the time to come out for it. The HK police were wonderfully courteous and obliging despite the fact that we did not have a permit. You need one in HK if there are more than 30 people but because we didn't expect 30 people to come, we didn't apply for one. Hopefully, we can keep the momentum going and get people to vote in the next elections!

I'm still always tired and not sure why.

On another note, I bought a lomo camera through Groupon for HKD99, and here it is after I assembled it! This is a Recesky TLR, a Gakkenflex clone. It arrived the day before the Bersih rally so I ordered mine in yellow. It took me about two hours to assemble the camera because I spent close to an hour figuring out how to fix the second spring on the shutter. I felt really dumb when I finally figured it out because it was so easy but hey, at least I didn't break anything! Also, I have 2 screws leftover.....but luckily, everything seems to have fit together so I'm hanging on to the screws just in case I have to take the camera apart and put it back together again.

I've just sent my first roll of film to be developed and I won't get it back until this evening, so fingers crossed the pictures came out!!!! This is going to be a fun new hobby, I hope.

Update

Most of the pics turned out underexposed. Sigh. Googled for solutions and at least one other person had the same person--best to take pics outside during the day, otherwise it just doesn't get enough light. This week is rainy and cloudy so will wait for sunny times to try again.