back down low

Dissertation highs are like sugar highs--before you know it, you've fallen back down and you feel worse than you did before.

Blah.

I need to turn in whatever I've written of chap 2 tomorrow morning but I already have so many comments and suggestions for myself--and I've only read four of the pages I've written.

Sigh.

Oh yeah, weird story: I got a check in the mail for quite a large sum of money, but I don't know the guy who sent it and why he would send it!! There's a name and address on the back of the envelope so I googled the guy, got his email and contacted him asking why he sent me the check. I'm so forgetful these days, he could be paying me for something legitimate--but I have absolutely no recollection what I could have sold him. Really strange.

Friends J and B said I should totally cash the check first before the guy replies. :) After all, my name is on the check. I dunno though. This sounds absolutely fishy . . . except that this guy is a PhD student from the U of Hawaii . . . ?? The check came from Ohio University so it could be work-related . . . but I have nothing to do with Ohio University . . . This is such a mystery.

Feeling a little down in the dumps today. Sigh.

yay!!!

I'm finally DONE revising the job letter and dissertation abstract!!! When I met with N (my advisor) today, she used the word "amazing" at least three times. AMAZING. She also said, at least 3-4 times, "I really like this" and "This is really good."

Woohoo!!!!

I then told her that if I had to revise it one more time I would throw up. . . . I was joking-lah. :p I'm just in time too, because I have to submit an application on Oct 1. No weekend off for me! But then again, that's not unusual.

This whole week I've been mostly working on chap 2, out of which my 25-page writing sample will come. The more I write, the more I am convinced that this will be a 50-page chapter. I have about 20 pages currently, and I have to turn it in to my profs by this Friday so they can refer to it when they write me my recommendation letters.

Unfortunately, I have a deadline on Oct 8 that requires me to send in this as-yet-very-rough chapter. My argument is taking awhile to build up, but I really like what I'm trying to do!!

Of course, now that I'm still on a high from receiving compliments from my adviser, life is really fun!!! I don't even want to work on the writing sample even though I probably should. Nah!!! I'll just pick it up again tomorrow morning.

I don't want any stress to adulterate my happiness!!!!!!

blah

Wow. Don't think I'll make it to badminton until mid or end of November. Too much to do if I want to meet the deadlines. This is really taking over my life, and apparently, friend J reports from her position as a new prof that it only gets 10 times worse once you actually begin your job.

Thanks for your comments, Cat. :) You need to keep us updated about your projects--I'd love to hear about them!!

Aaagggh

Stress levels have risen a great deal. Many deadlines in Oct and the Nov deadlines aren't much of a comfort because they want me to send them more materials. Much to do. I'm even skipping badminton, that's how much work and stress I have right now. Will go back next week, I hope, this week is rough.

The job list came out yesterday

My stomach is roiling.

I wish I had read two years ago the books I'm reading now.

again, from Derrida's "Gift of Death"

“On what condition is responsibility possible? On the condition that the Good no longer be a transcendental objective, a relation between objective things, but the relation to the other, a response to the other; an experience of personal goodness and a movement of intention. That supposes, as we have seen, a double rupture: both with orgiastic mystery and with Platonism. On what condition does goodness exist beyond all calculation? On the condition that goodness forget itself, that the movement be a movement of the gift that renounces itself, hence a movement of infinite love. Only infinite love can renounce itself and, in order to become finite, become incarnated in order to love the other, to love the other as a finite other. This gift of infinite love comes from someone and is addressed to someone; responsibility demands irreplaceable singularity. Yet only death or rather the apprehension of death can give this irreplaceability, and it is only on the basis of it that one can speak of a responsible subject, as the soul as conscience of self, of myself, etc. . . . There is thus a structural disproportion or dissymmetry between the finite and responsible mortal on the one hand and the goodness of the infinite gift on the other hand. One can conceive of this disproportion without assigning to it a revealed cause or without tracing it back to the event of original sin, but it inevitably transforms the experience of responsibility into one of guilt: I have never been and never will be up to the level of this infinite goodness nor up to the immensity of the gift, the frameless immensity that must in general define (in-define) a gift as such. This guilt is originary, like original sin. Before any fault is determined, I am guilty inasmuch as I am responsible. What gives me my singularity, namely, death and finitude, is what makes me unequal to the infinite goodness of the gift that is also the first appeal to responsibility” (51).

from Derrida's "The Gift of Death"

“Something has not yet arrived, neither at Christianity nor by means of Christianity. What has not yet arrived at or happened to Christianity is Christianity. Christianity has not yet come to Christianity. What has not yet come about is the fulfillment, within history and in political history, and first and foremost in European politics, of the new responsibility announced by the mysterium tremendum. There has not yet been an authentically Christian politics because there remains this residue of the Platonic polis. Christian politics must break more definitively and more radically with Greco-Roman Platonic politics in order to finally fulfill the mysterium tremendum” (28).

“But Patocka not only refers to the political profile of Neoplatonism; he also makes oblique reference to something that is not a thing but that is probably the very site of the most decisive paradox, namely, the gift that is not a present, the gift of something that remains inaccessible, unpresentable, and as a consequence secret. The event of this gift would link the essence without essence of the gift to secrecy. For one might say that a gift that could be recognized as such in the light of day, a gift destined for recognition, would immediately annul itself. The gift is secret itself, if the secret itself can be told. Secrecy is the last word of the gift which is the last word of the secret” (30).

arrival of fall

Temps have dropped quite a bit so now everyone has to wear at least a sweater or a light jacket outside--just 2 days ago, we were all still in shorts and t-shirts or tank tops. And with the cool weather, I suspect we're going to see the first round of cold viruses as well. Mercy! Mercy!

I am also learning to expect Wednesdays to be physically difficult for me. I am either nauseated, have irritable bowels, or like today, I'd feel so tired I can hardly get anything done. I also learned last week from an undergrad that they call Wednesdays "Hump Days," i.e. after you get over this hump, the rest of the week will be fine.

Work is moving on slowly. Just met with my adviser about Draft 2, and she likes what I've done with it although I will probably need to revise it extensively one more time before going through it the last time for minor edits. Those unfamiliar with the writing process in academia might think this process is too long, but this is pretty much run of the mill and in fact, I'm glad to be getting off so lightly. The end is in sight for me. As we tell our students, there is no such thing as good writing, there is only good re-writing.

That said, I'm really glad because my adviser does feel like I've really hit on the questions that I'm passionate about, and she can see me turning the dissertation into a book project. Of course, at this point, I just want to write the dissertation.

But time is running out. I have one more week to do the readings I want to do (5-6 more books on forgiveness, justice, and the gift) and then I have to churn out the first draft of my writing sample. Within this next week, I also have to produce my teaching portfolio. I really, really should've done that over the summer. Aaagggh.

Isn't there a Cantonese saying that goes, "Yauh sihgaan seih, mouh sihgaan pehng . . . "?
(I have time to die, but I don't have time to get sick.)

Sigh. I suspect I am getting sick, but I will have to try to keep on working anyway.

not that effective

Used the lightbox this morning but it didn't help as I was very sleepy again by 9am, and had to take a 40 minute nap. Sigh.

Last night wasn't too bad but it wasn't great either. But today ended up being pretty good, I don't know why!! Played badminton, which I don't usually do on Saturdays but it was fun. Got some work done this afternoon and will work for another hour or so before I meet with some of my dorm friends for some wine.

I'm so confused

I think this is my best year at Cornell yet. I'm so happy to be doing what I'm doing right now. But I can't deny that it stresses me out and I'm usually exhausted even when I don't have much to show for that exhaustion. This is really frustrating. The mood swings are still pretty extreme; one day I'm bursting with energy and enthusiasm, and the next day, it's all I can do to contain my tears.

I'm driving myself nuts.

Finally had the results from my sleep study back, and nothing seems to be the trouble. The doctor thinks that I wake up because of anxiety and stress, and that I'm just hardwired to go to bed late and wake up late. By trying to wake up at 7am I'm fighting against my own circadian rhythms, so he suggested using a lightbox. I guess I will try using the lightbox. It's either that or be like my friend J--she goes to bed at 4am and wakes up at noon.

Because circadian rhythms might be genetic, I have to use a lightbox for the rest of my life I want to keep waking up early. That, or find a job that doesn't start till 10:30am at the earliest!! Well, I'm thankful that I don't have sleep apnea or RLS!!

weekend

Couldn't focus this weekend, so didn't do any work. Feel marginally better.

roller coaster

One day, I'm at the top of the mountain, and two days later, I'm back at the bottom. Is this what this next year is going to be like?? One day I feel hungry as a horse, and the next day, I can't eat without feeling nauseated. Will I wake up every morning wondering if I'm going to feel like I'm the worst student on campus, or am I going to feel happy because I'm doing what I've been called to do?

And it's so hard, because there are people around me who believe that what they're doing is fabulous, that they have something to say. And yeah yeah, some people will say, "Oh, well, you don't really know what they're feeling inside. They feel just as insecure as you do!"

B_ll.

There are people who think they are the most wonderful creatures in the world. There are people who think they are incredibly smart (some of them are, some of them aren't).

I don't care if they are what they think they are, I just wish I had their confidence--that comfort, that security, that assurance.

Aaaaagggh. (Okay, please don't respond to this post either. I just need to vent.)

little pleasures

Met with my adviser yesterday to talk about my dissertation abstract, and she thought I had a very good first draft . . . . She was actually interested in my project. Wow. That made me excited.

And I'm finding books now that I wish I had thought to read last year (so that I would have a whole other year to read and process them). But maybe I wouldn't have found them interesting last year because I didn't become interested in the questions I'm interested in until this past summer. I want more time!!!!

My adviser liked what what I wrote. Wow.

great questions

• Saw a link to this on Sivin's site:
  
• 
  
• Am I conscious of the uniqueness of each period in my life?
• Do I think mainly in techniques or principles --- ideas or concrete proposals?
• How do I define "better?"
• How do I define accomplishment?
• How do I define good?
• How do I define integrity?
• How do I define my uniqueness?
• How many specific areas of responsibility are in my life? (e.g church, family, business, community, friends, charity, ministry organizations, etc)
• How would I define my present lifestyle?
• How would I define the lifestyle I would like to have?
• Is it easier for me to make my point in a group or one on one?
• What am I contributing to the common good?
• What am I waiting for?
• What are my abilities?
• What are my allergies (things that turn me off): emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically?
• What are my major/minor causes?
• What can I concentrate on at length?
• What concepts do I understand the best?
• What creates energy and excitement?
• What dissipates energy?
• What do others ask me to do?
• What is my comfortable social strata?
• What is my most productive mood?
• What keeps me from being what I want to be?
• What matters equally touch my head/heart?
• What opportunities can be created?
• What subjects interest me repeatedly?
• What will I be like in 1/5/10 years?
• When do I feel God is using me?
• When do I feel good?
• When do I feel guilty?
• Which subjects do I communicate best?
• Who and what commands my attention?
• Who can do what to help me?
• Who do I enjoy being with?
• Who is my current mentor and what is he doing for me?
• Who should I team with?
• Why am I doing what I am doing?
• Why do I procrastinate?

I like the questions, but I'm not quite sure how they are "mentoring questions."

Pictures from the canoe trip

More pictures of the trip's participants on my facebook album. I was really struck by how much we annoyed one another . . . and how much we accepted and loved one another despite how annoyed we got.

All the same, I'm glad it was only a three-day trip. :p

video from canoe trip

wired again

Been out of touch because after the canoe trip, I moved back into T-house and because they were changing the network system, we didn't get internet in our rooms until last night. Spent the morning clearing out my inbox and catching up with some news from different friends with blogs.

Haven't downloaded my pictures from the canoe trip yet, but here are Roxann's pictures. And here are Peter's pictures. Oh, and also Part 2.

The past couple of weeks have been a series of goodbyes, especially to friends who came in either my year or the year before mine--so yes, it's been tough because we've been friends for about five years now. I didn't take pictures at most of the goodbye meals, but I did take a lot of pictures with Becky's camera at yesterday's CICF goodbye party.

Going to play badminton this evening after a two-week hiatus. Not looking forward to the huffing and puffing that comes when I stop cardio for that long.

Oh yeah, also slept at the sleep-study lab last night. Won't find out results for another couple of weeks.

a few scattered thoughts

Feeling a little emotional today. Stress? That time of the month coming (I hope it doesn't come this weekend because of the canoe trip)? Maybe I'm a little off because I couldn't sleep very well last night (couldn't really breathe last night because of my cold). Anyway.

Progress on what I need to do this week is going slow, but it is going and that makes me happy. I feel relieved, actually, and I suppose that counts as happiness!!

A little affirmation goes a long way. I spoke briefly with the pilates teacher today about how I still can't do certain movements, and I found it really helpful when she looked me in the eye and gently assured me that it's okay, different people find different movements difficult and that I'm actually doing really well. She reminded me what muscles I should be working and to be patient, that eventually I will be able to do those movements as well.

I was beating myself up today because a friend wanted me to help her move because she doesn't have a car and I said no because I felt like I had to focus on my work (with a mid-day break of pilates). I really felt like a horrible person.

Then a few hours later, another friend asked me if I could drive him and his wife to the airport in S_r_cuse (1 hr away) on Aug 20, and before they finished their sentence, I said yes immediately. So on the one hand, it would take much less time for me to help my friend move a carload than it would be for me to drive this couple (it would consume about 2.5 hours of my time), but it was so much easier for me to say yes in the second instance.

This is why:

1. The Couple have been my friends for 5 years or so, and my generosity is a poor reflection of their generosity to me. I've really only known Friend X for a few months at the most and not very well, at that. This doesn't mean that I want to help only those who help me, but I think it is true that I've come to care for The Couple in a deeper way.

2. I don't feel like Friend X even takes the time to listen seriously to what I have to say, although this is probably because of the stress in her own life. I need to be careful not to assume that this is because her character is flawed.

3. The Couple planned way ahead and gave me time to work my schedule around their need! Friend X asked me today, and she knows that I'm working on some really stressful stuff this week and I need to turn drafts in by Friday. Another friend emailed in the morning asking if I had time to talk later this evening, and I said yes and don't feel like it's a burden because this friend was very considerate of my time and isn't demanding a listening ear simply because it's something *she* needs done today, right now. When people show that they understand that I'm busy and therefore need to set boundaries for what I can do or give, I am actually much more willing to try and give more than I originally would.

(Notice how I'm not thinking of the financial cost of these favors, but of how much time it would take--although, money is really a form of labor-time!)

I often feel frustrated because most Christians don't understand what it means to be on the job market in the humanities . . . they're mostly in the sciences or the social sciences, and the job markets in those areas are much better right now. It really sucks when people dismiss the struggles I face because subsequently I am less inclined to share . . . which causes them to feel like I'm shutting them out . . . which then frustrates me even further.

I understand that I'm not supposed to worry or stress out, but I still struggle with it. I'm sorry, I do. Dismissing the fact that I am stressed (for very good reasons!) or just brushing it off does not help one bit.

not so bad

Feeling better about that friend. Guess I just needed to vent! We also had fun conversations today, so it's all good. :)

The worst of my cold is over, which is amazingly quick given my track record.

I have a working dissertation title now! Won't share it because it will probably change--I'm very bad at coming up with titles.

frustration

You know what I really hate? People who assume that I'm not busy. I'm sorry, I am busy, and I can't do a lot of things right now because I have a shit load of things to do and just because I want to be nice and do some nice things for people every now and then, it doesn't mean they can assume that I'm going to be their babysitter. Sometimes, I just need them to listen to me whine and to take me seriously just as I take them and their whining seriously too.

UGGH. I need grace to show grace, PLEASE!!!

feeling ill

Have a bad cold (AGAIN!) and feeling yucky despite going full force with all meds.

Trying to figure out if I want to line up an apt for spring NOW, or wait until Nov to see if any thing opens up for the spring. I hate making decisions, I really do. One of the apts I'm considering is a basement apt, and it doesn't get much light, but I'm already thinking of getting a "light box" to help with my sleeping problems, so it won't matter much that the apt is kinda dark, right?

Saw the sleep doctor on Friday, and he suggested sitting in front of a light box for 30 mins when I wake up. Will also be going in for an overnight sleep study, although the doc seems to think that my probs are due to bad habits and stress. Among the (very impossible) habits that he wants me to inculcate are:

- no bright lights (TV, computer, reading lights) as soon as possible after dark.
---> What will I do??? Sit around and shake my legs? No work??? Sigh.

- no heavy exercise after dinner-time (6pm)
---> Most of my badminton buddies can only play after work!

- no naps
---> I limit myself to one nap (15 mins) a day otherwise I don't know how I'd make it.

- no thinking or reading in bed
---> This means I have to do all my work sitting up straight (no sofas, no couches for me because of my back problems, remember?)

Life is hard, very hard. But I suppose if I do all this, my life will actually resemble most normal people's . . . except that I can't play badminton after 7pm.

change

got this from naomiobi's blog:

abandoned expectations

from today's slice of infinity:

Noted author and pastor Craig Barnes poignantly describes the emergence of new perspectives as the very process of conversion:

"The deep fear behind every loss is that we have been abandoned by the God who should have saved us. The transforming moment in Christian conversion comes when we realize that even God has left us. We then discover it was not God, but our image of God that abandoned us.... Only then is change possible."

Indeed, Joseph reveals his new perspective to his brothers who betrayed him; "As for you, you meant evil against me but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive" (Genesis 50:20). This is no biblical cliche. Joseph did witness God's intervention and love. But not in the way he expected. God has not promised to make our lives go as we plan. Instead, God promises to give us the necessary new perspective to see his goodness and grace in the midst of our abandoned expectations.

unbelievable

Friend E hurt her finger and asked me to drive her to the university clinic. The x-rays show that her wasn't broken but she's waiting to hear back to see it's fractured. She's hoping that it's only jammed, and that she'll be able to play frisbee again soon (that's how she hurt her finger). We got everything done around lunchtime so we went to CTB's together and had a good conversation.

E confessed that it scares her that men are so visual in their orientation to how "attractive" a woman is or is not . . . I was a little stunned to hear her say that because E is gorgeous. Beautiful. I am always shocked to I learn that my amazing, beautiful, wonderful female friends worry about their bodies or faces. They are lovely inside and outside . . . and they still worry. It's a horrible world where beautiful women are so constantly critical of themselves and so afraid that they are unloved and unloveable.

On another note, I didn't get much sleep last night (thanks to a sinfully-rich choc dessert full of caffeine) and am really barely functional today. Sigh.

Ps - E knows that beauty fades, and she's afraid that if a man loves her now because of her physical appearance, he might stop loving her one day.

not much to tell

Life has been uneventful lately (thank God!!!), so haven't been posting much. The few things that do come to mind:

1. Goat roast today! Frien B_cky's parents came up this weekend to bring her final load of furniture (she moved into my summer sublet apt) , so they're also spending the weekend camping at a nearby park and invited CICF'ers over for a pot-luck where they provided roast goat!! VERY yummy. And it's always fun to eat and relax with other people. S_mson gave me a ride home because neither one of us wanted to go to the concert after the meal. We had a very nice long conversation on the drive back--mostly because I accidentally brought B_cky's car keys with me and we had to turn back to drop the keys off so she could get home!!!!!

2. Read the last book in the Harry Potter series today! Was going to wait till Christmas to read it but people keep talking about it and they often let slip what happens, so I decided to go ahead and read it for myself. It didn't start off too well and there are obvious holes in it but I do like how it turned out in the end. I really do think that all that is lovely and good is a variation of the good news. But that's my humble opinion. :)

3. Saw Michael Moore's Sicko on Fri night and really enjoyed it. It really is a BAD idea to get sick or have accidents if you are not covered by a pretty comprehensive insurance plan. Even if you do have insurance, lots of people still have trouble with medical bills. Quite horrifying.

4. 2 more weeks before I move back into T-house. Sigh.

AAAHHHHHH!!!!

It's July and I'm still cold. CICF is going on its annual weekend canoeing/camping trip mid-August this year because late August is too cold, but at this rate, we might still be cold!!!!

blessings again

Had a wonderful walk and then a very nutritious dinner with an old friend and old roommate, E, who is a Nutrition PhD. E and I are very different in temperament, as different as could possibly be, I think. But over the years, I think we've learned how to get along with and appreciate one another!

E just spent about a year in Afghanistan and has been back trying to write up her dissertation. We had a very good conversation about various things, and our conversation actually confirmed that something I'm thinking of doing could be the right thing to do.

It was very restful to be with someone who understands how I operate and accepts me for who I am and what I can offer.

Pilates

I went to my first pilates class today, and it was hard. The class definitely made me work out muscles I never knew I had. Actually, to be more accurate, it made me work out muscles that I never knew I never had!

My past back problems--no, I'm not a hypochondriac, I really do have all these problems!--have been concentrated on my lumbar and while I am doing MUCH better now after chiropractic care, trying to do some of the pilates exercises revealed just how atrophied the muscles in that area are!

There was just no way I could've done the exercise that would have required me to bring my legs and back up over my stomach and head (reverse bridge?) much less do that holding the exercise ball between my legs. That was so impossible for me I just gaped in astonishment at the instructor and the other folks in the class.

Needless to say, this revelation alone is spurring me to drop my regular gym workout (cardio and light weights) in favor of the pilates sessions because the classes run during the times I would've gone to the gym anyway. I need to strengthen my lower back and clearly my gym workouts aren't helping! My gym workout has helped overall but now it's time to target my back muscles and pilates seems to be better for that.

Academics have horrible posture, back problems, and carpal tunnel. I want none of that.

piece from Sojourners

Check out Sojourners for more.

----

Sanctuary Breaks An Unjust Law

by Alexia Salvatierra

Why would a congregation risk prosecution to provide sanctuary
to an immigrant family? Why would a pastor decide that people
who have broken laws deserve protection, support, and advocacy?

When I was doing missionary work in Southeast Asia, I attended a
service in a language that I didn't speak. At a certain point, I
discerned that they were saying the Lord's Prayer. It was an
amazing moment; I felt the depth of our connection as brothers
and sisters in Christ, beyond all of our differences. When we
got to the line, "Forgive our debts as we forgive our debtors,"
I was struck by the insight that one of the deepest roots of our
connection is the common experience of God's mercy. While we
were yet sinners ... while we did not deserve forgiveness ...
before we had any capacity to repent ... someone loved us enough
to die for us. Someone had compassion on us - literally "com"
(with) and "passion" (feeling) - someone felt with us, felt our
pain as if it was his pain, our hopes and dreams as if they were
his hopes and dreams.

Sanctuary is an act of compassion, an expression of mercy. It
is, however, not mercy at the expense of justice. Participants
in the New Sanctuary Movement believe that our current
immigration system is profoundly unjust - so unjust that we
believe that we are facing one of those unique moments
throughout history when divine law and human law are in
conflict, and God's justice demands that we stand with those who
break unjust laws even at the risk of sharing their punishment.
Sanctuary is not only about mercy; it is also about justice.

But for many of us, the decision to provide sanctuary is rooted
in the impulse of the heart to love as we have been loved - to
hear the cries of Liliana and Joe and Mae and Jose and Juan and
Jean's children and respond with compassion.

Yet, the act of sanctuary is more than simple charity. What we
do with someone who has broken into our house only to go on to
clean it, take care of our garden, remodel the deck, watch over
the children, and cook us dinner? We read in Hebrews that those
of us who provide hospitality have entertained angels unaware.
To offer sanctuary is to recognize that the strangers in our
midst are blessing us, in clear and mysterious ways. May we
respond with the hospitality that we have received.

Rev. Alexia Salvatierra is the executive director of CLUE
(Clergy and Laity United for Economic Justice), an organization
of religious leaders in Los Angeles county who support low-wage
workers.

not much of an update

My mind is a whirl of thoughts much too confused to share right now. I'm not sure they're bad thoughts. They're certainly difficult to think through.

Sometimes I feel so old. Then I remember, well, I am getting older!!! :) I just wish I haven't felt so old for so long. I think that's why sometimes I so enjoy the childish pleasures of life.

The "smart" kid is supposed to be smart all the time. And then you get to graduate school and you realize that you can't frame your world that way anymore, especially as a Christian academic. God calls each and everyone of us to our particular life paths and gives us different gifts for the journey; one is not better than another. But too often we forget this.

Sometimes I feel so selfish, and other times, I wonder . . . why not? :) Sometimes I feel like people want to see me a certain way, like they expect me to live a certain kind of life--because they think I have certain gifts or strengths. That's really hard to live with because I often feel that failure is not an option for me. And of course, "success" is very narrowly defined, so missing the mark is that much easier.

Healing comes, but slowly.

I'm going to ask everyone who reads this to not respond, either through the comment section or more privately on email.

unadulterated lust

When I actually have a real job, I want this. Archit already has one and it is SO easy to use that even I can use it! That's how user-friendly it is!!!!