transit

I hate the actual experience o f being on the road. Planes and airports usually bring back al the repressed memories of first leaving home. But once I am out of the airport, I start to feel better. It is still strange to be back in this place as a guest and visitor because it is now familiar and unfamiliar.

Paper two still needs a lot of work....hope I can get the work done! Looking forward to the wedding tomorrow.

lessons on anxiety

As my previous posts have indicated, I'm going through another season of uncertainty and anxiety. During this time, I've been emailing a small group of friends who pray for me as I go through this season. This group of friends are people I've known for awhile, and they also include my church home group leaders here in HK who haven't known me for as long. As the months have passed, some of my friends have written back to point out that I have survived all my other seasons of uncertainty and anxiety. They did so with humor and gentleness so I didn't feel condemned, and that was very helpful. Some weeks have been tougher than others, and during those times, the only prayer I can pray is, "Lord, please stop these feelings, please help me." Thankfully, I currently have a reprieve from feeling overwhelmed by waves of anxiety. Truly, peace, like faith, is a gift.

During this time, I think I've also learned a few lessons on how to deal with anxiety and worry. First, during the seasons of your life when you don't have much to worry about, read and learn about, and start practicing spiritual disciplines! When your workload is heavy and your mind can't seem to focus on everything but your worries, your heart and mind won't be motivated to develop these spiritual habits. But if you work on them when the walk is slow and pleasant, then it will be easier to recall these exercises and put them to practice. When you are filled with anxiety, it will take all your strength and discipline to do them.

Second, try not to think of the future. This is a tough one. My friends also point out that I'm a pessimist and that I expect the worst to happen. This is wrong because God promises us hope for the future. But, it doesn't make sense to me to expect that what I desire will come through! I can't help being a realistic person, and the picture does look grim. I can't lie to myself and think, yes, I'm going to get this! I haven't completely worked out the biblical basis for my position yet, but my goal is to be happy with whatever God gives me because He is a good God who does not play around with our lives.

The only way I can deal with the anxiety around my future is neither to be a pessimist, which ignores God's sovereignty and love, nor an optimist, which ignores the realities of the world, but to be someone who sees, tastes, and enjoys God's presence and his gift in the present. In this position, I keep my eyes both on God's sovereignty and love, but also on the realities of this world. The worst possible outcome might indeed materialize, but it does not help to dwell on it. If I focus on God's presence in my life now, and if I keep doing so as we go along, what materializes at the end of this ordeal will not matter. Should the worst happen, will I still praise God and call him good? I don't know, but I certainly hope so.

When I get ready for work in the morning, I usually play one of Earl Palmer's sermons as I brush my teeth. This morning's sermon on freedom in Christ was particularly good because I enjoyed his parable of the kite!

Isaiah 41:8-13

The Message (MSG)

 ^8-10"But you, Israel, are my servant.
   You're Jacob, my first choice,
   descendants of my good friend Abraham.
I pulled you in from all over the world,
   called you in from every dark corner of the earth,
Telling you, 'You're my servant, serving on my side.
   I've picked you. I haven't dropped you.'
Don't panic. I'm with you.
   There's no need to fear for I'm your God.
I'll give you strength. I'll help you.
   I'll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you.
^11-13"Count on it: Everyone who had it in for you
   will end up out in the cold—
   real losers.
Those who worked against you
   will end up empty-handed—
   nothing to show for their lives.
When you go out looking for your old adversaries
   you won't find them—
Not a trace of your old enemies,
   not even a memory.
That's right. Because I, your God,
   have a firm grip on you and I'm not letting go.
I'm telling you, 'Don't panic.
   I'm right here to help you.'

disgusting

A contact posted an article about how US soldiers raped Iraqi women, and it included fairly graphic pictures. The story made me sick. I couldn't make up my mind about whether or not I should share the story because what if it plants horrifying ideas into other people's minds? Who knows what could trigger copycat actions? The friends who do read this blog would be more mature, I think, but still, please go to the article at your own risk.

If you read this article, then you may want to watch this video:

Okay, so this is what I really feel like

Wow, I am snapping at people over the smallest things.

weekend

Looking forward to bus caroling tonight.
Feeling better now.
People must have been praying for me this week.
I even had a dream about something unrelated to work. That dream revealed an issue I have to deal with in a different area of my life. I am scared, and I don't want to deal with this issue. But even when I don't think about it, I dream about it. Lord, have mercy.

Major writer's block

A ton of finals to grade within the week, and I still have to write the two talks that I have to give at a conference in January. Other things have popped up that are making me feel really stressed out, and I can't stop worrying. This really sucks.

Pepper

Ginger

Checkers

These are my friend's cats, which I play with every time our home group meets. But I am moving to the new home group that's splitting off from this old home group. So, bye bye cats. It's been lovely holding you even if you make me sneeze.

I now take L-theanine in the morning and in the evening. I feel like leaving a bottle in my office so I can take one midday too. I'm sure all this is good for me but I really want this season to be over. I wish I knew how to turn off the worry-switch.

writer's block again

I have two papers to present in January and I haven't started writing either paper! I do have outlines for both now, thankfully, but I have to write write write or risk public humiliation. I don't have anything in cold storage that I can cut and paste this time. This is so painful.

But on a happy note, I think I might have a professional opportunity that will improve the look of my CV--someone at a major research university asked me to be part of their new working group that they're trying to set up. Too bad nothing's confirmed and I can't advertise the fact to potential employers, hah! This is Christmas manna from the sky. I wouldn't have been able to do anything on my own to get this little piece of cake icing on my plate. If this goes through, it will be fun for me to be part of an international working group that includes a couple of senior profs whose work I like and respect. Is this amazing or is this amazing?

:)

I sent out an email to a group of friends, asking them to pray about something, and the three fastest replies aggregated by gmail was "Paul, Peter, John." It would've been cuter if it was "Peter, Paul, John," but this is cute enough!

Okay, that doesn't make any sense. But I love my friends!

night hike

I vaguely remember having gone on a walk in the US when we were in the desert but it wasn't a very long walk. Last Saturday's night hike with some friends from church was the second night hike I've done here in HK and I love night hikes! The view is so much better at night, and I really like walking around in the dark even if it never gets truly dark in HK!! Maybe the trails on the islands or in Sai Kung would be darker. We were hiking on the main island. I don't get to to go on night hikes very often because hiking at night is more dangerous if you don't know the trail, and apparently, a few years ago, hikers were robbed on trails by illegal immigrants. There's less of a problem now but it is still safer to go in a group led by someone who knows what he is doing.

When we get to heaven, I'm going to go on a ton of night hikes!!!!!

beautiful start to the week

Clear blue skies, sunshine, and a mild, crisp breeze....what a glorious Monday! How do I work as unto the Lord this week? What would it mean to live out this week with the conviction that the Lord of the universe is an intimate part of my life, that He guides, leads, and blesses me? What would it mean to live loving others and hoping the best for them?

We persevere because He is faithful

done

Broke my social media fast. Back on everything except gchat and MSN because they are too distracting.

I'm glad to be back on FB because I miss my friends but the return was also a bit anti-climactic. I guess, yes, FB fills a need for social interaction but it really isn't the same. I miss my friends.

Side effect of going on an FB fast

I blog more.

Feeling homesick today but I have no idea what I'm feeling homesick for....I don't usually feel this way.

Hebrews 11:13-16 (The Message)

^13-16Each one of these people of faith died not yet having in hand what was promised, but still believing. How did they do it? They saw it way off in the distance, waved their greeting, and accepted the fact that they were transients in this world. People who live this way make it plain that they are looking for their true home. If they were homesick for the old country, they could have gone back any time they wanted. But they were after a far better country than that—heaven country. You can see why God is so proud of them, and has a City waiting for them.

more about nightmares

My best friend from grad school said that she's been having nightmares about her work situation too--they were pretty funny dreams!--and that another one of her cohort is now thinking of going to law school. What other field prompts this many career jumps??? (Her partner is now thriving in medical school where she gets to play with surgical power tools.) Oy vey.

Yeap. Things are hard again.

Romans 5:1-8 (The Message)

By entering through faith into what God has always wanted to do for us—set us right with him, make us fit for him—we have it all together with God because of our Master Jesus. And that's not all: We throw open our doors to God and discover at the same moment that he has already thrown open his door to us. We find ourselves standing where we always hoped we might stand—out in the wide open spaces of God's grace and glory, standing tall and shouting our praise.

 ^3-5There's more to come: We continue to shout our praise even when we're hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we're never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary—we can't round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit!

 ^6-8Christ arrives right on time to make this happen. He didn't, and doesn't, wait for us to get ready. He presented himself for this sacrificial death when we were far too weak and rebellious to do anything to get ourselves ready. And even if we hadn't been so weak, we wouldn't have known what to do anyway. We can understand someone dying for a person worth dying for, and we can understand how someone good and noble could inspire us to selfless sacrifice. But God put his love on the line for us by offering his Son in sacrificial death while we were of no use whatever to him.

Time to meditate! Simple definition of meditation from an LA Times article today: "...the ability to detect the first signs of mind-wandering, to recognize and essentially forgive the impulse, and then gently to draw the mind back to the task at hand."

Happy Thanksgiving!

I no longer celebrate the holiday and I don't really miss it that much, although I do miss volunteering in LA! My church there is part of a multi-church Thanksgiving event for those in need and I volunteered the two Thanksgivings I was there. It was really fun even if I did not enjoy washing the feet of the homeless. I really have a lot of trouble with odors and I've taken to wearing perfume here because not everyone in HK wears deodorant and if I happen to sit next to them, I can at least try to mitigate the effects by subtly pushing my nose into my clothes.

Anyway, I started this post because of this article on the effects of being thankful. God knew what he was doing when he told us to give thanks in all things!

Oh, and ps, I woke up this morning from a nightmare about my job situation. Well, I'm not responsible for my unconscious!

Oh no

A few close friends who are in my line of work asked me last week if I am "okay," and if I'm "coping" with the uncertainties of this season of my life. My first response was, "Huh, what are you talking about? I'm having a lot of fun! I just found out that dodgeball season is over but it'll start up again in January!" And then I thought about why they said what they said, and last night, I had to fight off a panic attack.

My friends meant well when they offered me comfort, but it's also funny how they reminded me of all the different things I should be doing now, and also of how so much is already out of my hands. It's no fun thinking about these things and I've been coping with it all by keeping myself busy with fun and games! I'm out every night of the week again. Looking forward to Sunday because besides church in the morning, I have absolutely nothing planned.

Work is going very slowly as I wind up my lectures and I begin preparing finals for the students. I just want to sleep and watch TV, and not think about the research work I have to do now!!!!

dodgeball!

Team photos from the last league game of the season:

Lesson # 1.5

God will meet my needs....sooner or later. I miss the instant gratification of FB, but allowing one's self to feel lonely from time to time can actually teach us patience. Our needs and desires don't always have to be satisfied immediately.

of spiritual disciplines

Why am I on an FB fast again?? Why??? And why did I say I would go off of it for SIX WHOLE WEEKS???? I must have been out of my mind!!!! It is Day 5 of the fast and I'm feeling lonely and isolated. I need my social media!! What's wrong with social media????

This spiritual discipline is not fun at all, but as Nouwen might say, it does reveal my need and dependence on others' affirmation and company. Yes, we all need to belong to a community but leaving my FB community for awhile won't kill me. Still, I shouldn't have decided on a SIX-WEEK fast. Fasting is not my favorite spiritual discipline.

yay!

My students clapped at the end of the last lecture for one of my classes! Over the next two weeks, we don't have lectures because they have project presentations to give. I'm feeling good!

FB fast

Day Three of my six-week fast: I realize that I often think in terms of "status updates" now.

I can't share news stories through FB, so here's one on "vulture funds." This is the first time I've heard of the term and it really is unbelievable how the poor can be even more exploited than they already are.

Posting on the run, will come back to this later to elaborate:

"For artists, entrepreneurs, and any other driven creators, exercise is a powerful tool in the quest to help transform the persistent uncertainty, fear, and anxiety that accompany the quest to create from a source of suffering into something less toxic, then potentially even into fuel."

This blog post on leadership is falling in nicely with other thoughts that have been running through my mind this week, prompted by Ortberg's book (see earlier posts) which I just finished, and Earl Palmer's sermon on how the Ten Commandments are life-giving. The two Christian pastors have been very helpful in teaching me to see how spiritual disciplines bring freedom, not misery, and I'm slowly testing that out. So far, they are right. 

It's interesting to see the same principles at work on a secular blog on leadership too, and it was helpful to read this blogpost because my work is all ambiguity and very little certainty right now!

correlations

I'm not sure, but I think I'm starting to notice a trend. I often feel blue and go into paroxysms of self-doubt about my chosen career--and it's also true that all my friends who are in this profession go through the same paroxysms--but they are more acute when I'm less focused on Christ in my life. In other words, when I am more focused on loving God and loving the people around me, the agonies of wondering if I am in the right vocation become much less acute.

Well, but then again, I'd have to observe my reactions more before I come to a conclusion about this! I've been feeling really fatigued this week. On Monday, I literally slept two hours in the morning and two hours again in the afternoon, and worked in between those two long naps. Then I fell asleep at about 11.30pm that night. In spite of all the "wasted" time sleeping, my class yesterday went fairly well, and I feel good about the lecture that will start in about 20 minutes. I can't wait to get in class and spend time with my students!!

Maybe Ortberg is right, maybe we do need a better theology of sleep!

Hurry Sickness

I'm really enjoying the kindle app on my Galaxy Tab! It works way better than the ebook app. Kindle versions of books are now only a little cheaper than the print versions but since shipping to HK is about the same price of the book, I now buy some of my books via Kindle....so long as I don't need them for work because Amazon still hasn't put page numbers on their ebooks!!! Hello, we need to CITE!!!

I've finished Gilbert Bilezikian's "Beyond Sex Roles" and the anthology "How I Changed My Mind About Women in Leadership," and am now reading John Ortberg's "The Life You've Always Wanted." I loved Bilezikian's book for its organization and thoroughness and I found the anthology really helpful because it showed how there is a whole spectrum of positions and responses among those who call themselves egalitarian. Someone like Tony Campolo argues in no uncertain terms that gender inequality within the church is tantamount to sin, while others take a more conciliatory approach as they play pastoral roles in their congregations. Many of the male evangelical leaders also detail their long resistance to changing their minds about the position of women in the church too, and it was just wonderful to hear all of that.

Ortberg's book is a "spiritual disciplines for dummies"-type book, and I appreciate his approach. I have Richard Foster's book but I had to put it down after a couple of chapters because I felt too guilty after failing at meditation. We'll see how far I actually get with Ortberg's book, but so far I like how he quotes other spiritual giants such as Brother Lawrence on how we will always be beginners at prayer.....even Brother Lawrence never felt that he ever "mastered" prayer! This Saturday, I will be joining other folks from the women's ministry in my church on a day-long silent retreat before playing badminton in the evening. I'll bring along a list of exercises I can try!

This week, I'd like to pay attention to "Hurry Sickness." I fit the bill for all the symptoms, and I love that the cures to hurry sickness are pretty funny. One strategy is to choose the longest line in the grocery store, or if you're driving, then choose the slowest lane. I'm totally the kind of person who keeps track of the other line that I could've chosen to see if I've made the right choice, and when the other line moves faster than the line I ended up picking, I feel frustrated. But why? What does saving a couple of minutes add to my day??

More importantly, the choice to live in an unhurried manner recognizes and proclaims our dependence on God. As an act of faith, it declares that the Author of Time has given us enough time to do what He has called us to do. As an act of faith, it reminds us to love and depend on Him, and to love others. In my hurry, I often end up snapping at strangers here in crowded, bustling HK, and worse yet, I snap at family and friends, but to what purpose? My life is not happier nor am I more productive because I get someplace five minutes earlier. I'm going to consciously practice unhurriedness now. My relationships will probably improve, and I'm going to keep my fingers crossed that my work will be all the better for it too!

the weekend needs to start now.....

Yesterday, I gave a 2-hr lecture, and after that about 10 students held me back for 30 mins for more questions and discussions. That has never happened before and I don't think I have the energy to do that every week, but I love seeing students engage with difficult ideas. If I had to give myself a grade as a lecturer, yesterday's performance would be a B at best, but those few students turned that class into an A! I'm the lucky duck.

I'm also learning a few lessons on the badminton court. I don't have the energy to blog about that now and hopefully I won't forget them too soon!

intense

I had lunch with my homegroup leader today and it was immensely helpful. She helped me see how I was starting to get cross-eyed from chasing my tail as I tried to figure out a few issues in my head. Sometimes it does help to get an outsider's perspective on things and she had very useful suggestions for how I might approach the problem. She noticed that I'm perhaps relying on myself too much and that I need to relax and trust that God is in control. I didn't think I was relying on myself too much....after all, I think that I'm not doing enough! But I will try trusting God a little more just to see what happens. 

well-meaning

Do you have well-meaning friends who take the time and trouble to give you good advice but sometimes it feels misdirected? I'm thinking of a sweet old friend who recently suggested that I check out a popular Bible study group guide (BSF, for those of you in the church circles) and I'm thinking, "Are you for real?" Something like that would put me to sleep and make me impatient with Christianity.

It's like someone saying to a health-freak, "Hey, have you heard of granola bars? You should try them, they are a really health way to snack!" Sure, granola bars are probably better than potato chips or candy corn but fyi, granola bars, especially the commercial kinds, are terrible for you because they have a ton of corn syrup in them. So if you're trying to snack healthy, and you absolutely love granola bars, do yourself a favor and grab the kind made by an organic company and check the label to see how much sugar it has. Better yet, just eat a piece of fruit!! (I carry organic granola bars for hiking trips when fruit is too squishy or heavy to carry around.)

Okay, so maybe BSF isn't best compared to a granola bar and I'm sure courses like Alpha and BSF are great for some people but I prefer to read actual books. I get enough of talk in my work.

If you've never seen candy corn before, here's a picture. I liked them in college but the thought of eating a single candy corn gives me a headache. (My poison of choice is potato chips.)

hangovers

I don't drink and I don't party but my weekends are busy enough that I am barely functional when the week starts off. Gotta slow down.

confession

If I can't explain a concept to my HK undergrads, it means I don't understand it. Luckily, I don't have to explain Levinas to them.

so far to go

A few things I think I need to work on in this season of life:

1. Learn to speak out of conviction in humility, kindness, peace, patience, gentleness, and kindness.
2. Learn to be patient as others walk with God. If I can only grow as fast as grace allows, others do too!
3. Learn to wait on the Lord as he continues to speak to me about how to use my gifts, and where to use them. The answer may not come for awhile, and in the meantime, I am to be faithful in the context within which I've been placed.

And no, I'm not being hard on myself. I'm actually quite calm and peaceful about my life right now.

Soli deo gloria.