I had a conversation today that was frustrating in some ways. I'm becoming increasingly resistant to the thought of getting a job at a small C college on the other side of the coast from where I am. It's supposed to be a really beautiful place, but also really really expensive. The biggest issue I have with the place is that it's a C college. I don't know why I'm so resistant but I really am, and I'm beginning to be really resentful when people who wouldn't want to teach there either try to convince me that it could be amazing and wonderful. I don't resent the person, I resent his or her actions. When I am stubborn like this, and when my decision does not affect your life, just let me be. You win nothing by badgering me.
People can think what they want, and they can think I'm "not teachable" but this is how I feel about it. This is my life, and I think I know my field better than those who are not in it, and I know what life might be like and what it might take to do the work I want to do at this point. If they teach at a C college or are even LOOKING and THINKING seriously about moving to a C institution, then I will listen. But if they are at a non-C institution and are NOT considering making the move to a C-institution but think it's so great that I have the opportunity even if my desires do not in any way lie in that direction . . . I just don't get it. I know exactly how I feel about this.
I'm going to the interview for three reasons:
1) It's good practice regardless of how things turn out.
2) It is a sign of respect to the institution that invited me.
3) It will help me develop professional relationships.
The fourth, most popular reason to go (which obviously I hope to God will not happen even though I acknowledge its possibility): "Oh, but it might be amazing and you would really love it!"
The thought of teaching at a C college now makes me incredibly nervous and uncomfortable. I started out thinking I'd give it a chance. After the Chicago interview, even though I really respected and liked the search committee, I didn't think that I wanted the job. The more I think about it, the more resistant I am.
I would only go out of a sense of guilt, i.e., I should go to a C college because that's what a good C would do.
Monday, January 14, 2008
Friday, January 11, 2008
patience
I have to ask my friends to be patient with me as I try to work through my anxieties. I'm not very successful, but I am doing my best. :)
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
note re getting jobs
In my field, if you go into a job when your dissertation isn't very well thought-out or written, especially if it's a job that requires you to do a lot of teaching, that can be detrimental for your progress toward turning your dissertation into a publication. Without a book, you probably won't hang on to your job.
That's all I'm going to say for now. I'm trying to control access to this blog, but that's not always possible, so it's best to err on the side of caution.
That's all I'm going to say for now. I'm trying to control access to this blog, but that's not always possible, so it's best to err on the side of caution.
explanations
I suppose I should explain the memory I wrote about two posts ago. Occasionally I meet with a Christian counselor--actually, I've met with her three times--to do what she calls "prayer counseling." I think there are different names for it, but I don't remember the more sophisticated term.
Basically, when we meet to talk, and usually this is when my emotions are more disturbed, she will ask me if any memories are coming up. I tell her the memory or memories that surface, and sometimes one memory will lead to another. Then she asks me what I'm feeling in these memories--this isn't always easy as I often have to pause and figure out what exactly I'm feeling. Once we have that, we go into a time of prayer where she asks Jesus to reveal His truth to me, and then we stay silent for a little while. The answers don't always come immediately.
But the answer is often peace.
In this particular memory, I say myself walking along that long and busy road, afraid and yet guilty of being afraid because I had to be strong, I had to take care of myself. If I were to walk that distance again today as an adult, it would take me about 15-20 minutes to get as far as I did all those years ago. I wonder how long it took the 4-year old me to walk that far.
My answer to this memory was a picture of Christ (sorry, I saw only His back, don't know what He looks like) walking by my side and holding my hand. I'm sure I didn't feel it, but He looked like He was on an adventure, and He was trying to convince me that "This is fun! This is going to be so great! You'll see!" And as with every adventure, there is always a hint of fear. But there is also knowledge that everything's going to be just fine.
Finally, I felt His great love for my parents. They made a mistake that resulted in a four year old being left alone on a busy street, but it was a mistake and it did not mean that they loved me less. Christ was walking with me and holding my hand at every step of the way. That was and is my answer.
Basically, when we meet to talk, and usually this is when my emotions are more disturbed, she will ask me if any memories are coming up. I tell her the memory or memories that surface, and sometimes one memory will lead to another. Then she asks me what I'm feeling in these memories--this isn't always easy as I often have to pause and figure out what exactly I'm feeling. Once we have that, we go into a time of prayer where she asks Jesus to reveal His truth to me, and then we stay silent for a little while. The answers don't always come immediately.
But the answer is often peace.
In this particular memory, I say myself walking along that long and busy road, afraid and yet guilty of being afraid because I had to be strong, I had to take care of myself. If I were to walk that distance again today as an adult, it would take me about 15-20 minutes to get as far as I did all those years ago. I wonder how long it took the 4-year old me to walk that far.
My answer to this memory was a picture of Christ (sorry, I saw only His back, don't know what He looks like) walking by my side and holding my hand. I'm sure I didn't feel it, but He looked like He was on an adventure, and He was trying to convince me that "This is fun! This is going to be so great! You'll see!" And as with every adventure, there is always a hint of fear. But there is also knowledge that everything's going to be just fine.
Finally, I felt His great love for my parents. They made a mistake that resulted in a four year old being left alone on a busy street, but it was a mistake and it did not mean that they loved me less. Christ was walking with me and holding my hand at every step of the way. That was and is my answer.
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
Reprieve
Trying to arrange my trip to S'pore (work, not fun), and friend M really helped by telling me I can delay my trip so that I can get my pre-trip work done.
I'm not even going to go through why I've been stressed out the past three days because I think it would make me even more stressed out. The people I've told my stories shake their heads at me when they realize just how difficult this has been. And really, it doesn't need to be this difficult. Really. I just happen to always have horrible, slow experiences with consulates, embassies, and airlines.
I also checked in over the phone with Prof N five minutes ago, and she thinks the delay is a great idea, and even told me to take a couple of days off before starting on the work I need to do. Wow. I've been told to take a couple of days off? Wow.
I'm not even going to go through why I've been stressed out the past three days because I think it would make me even more stressed out. The people I've told my stories shake their heads at me when they realize just how difficult this has been. And really, it doesn't need to be this difficult. Really. I just happen to always have horrible, slow experiences with consulates, embassies, and airlines.
I also checked in over the phone with Prof N five minutes ago, and she thinks the delay is a great idea, and even told me to take a couple of days off before starting on the work I need to do. Wow. I've been told to take a couple of days off? Wow.
Saturday, January 05, 2008
working through memories
I have a very vivid memory from when I was about four years old. I was in kindergarten, and our uniform was white and turquoise--a little sailor suit, if you can imagine it. The kindergarten was at a crossroads of a major intersection, close to the main streets leading out to the center of town.
It was a public holiday, and a few days earlier, I had given either my mom or my dad a notice from the kindergarten saying that there were no classes for the day. I guess there was a miscommunication because that morning, my aunt dropped me off at the kindergarten anyway. I walked into the kindergarten, and the guard was in his sarong--shirtless, I think--and he told me (and my aunt too?) that there was no school that day. I don't remember much after that; I remember seeing cars zooming by on my left, and a very large tree on my right.
My mom tells me that she remembers driving down that road on her way to work--I think she and my dad figured out that I wasn't supposed to be at kindergarten--and seeing me walk on the side of the road, trying to find my way home.
I feel like that four year old right now.
It was a public holiday, and a few days earlier, I had given either my mom or my dad a notice from the kindergarten saying that there were no classes for the day. I guess there was a miscommunication because that morning, my aunt dropped me off at the kindergarten anyway. I walked into the kindergarten, and the guard was in his sarong--shirtless, I think--and he told me (and my aunt too?) that there was no school that day. I don't remember much after that; I remember seeing cars zooming by on my left, and a very large tree on my right.
My mom tells me that she remembers driving down that road on her way to work--I think she and my dad figured out that I wasn't supposed to be at kindergarten--and seeing me walk on the side of the road, trying to find my way home.
I feel like that four year old right now.
Visit
Well, I'm through to the second-rounds at a univ. near home. I need to fly in about a week or so. Which means I need to write a lecture in about a week or so.
Did I mention that I'm already tired out? And that I don't think this would be a good year for me to finish?
Did I mention that I'm already tired out? And that I don't think this would be a good year for me to finish?
Thursday, January 03, 2008
new year seems old to me
I fell asleep unexpectedly today. Twice. Took a 2 hr nap this morning. then slept for 4 hrs in the afternoon. Yeap, I slept through most of the day. I hope it's because my body needed it and not because I was lazy.
My upper back is all locked up and my chiropractor couldn't really do much to release it. Pilates instructor is down with the flu so we may not be able to start up again this week. I miss it. I bought her DVD's but I am not disciplined enough to push myself and I take breaks every time I feel tired.
Spent Dec 31 with the int'l CF here, then went home to call my old Ch_c_r prof (Prof A) and she told me I'm a slow worker. After today, I'm convinced she's right.
My upper back is all locked up and my chiropractor couldn't really do much to release it. Pilates instructor is down with the flu so we may not be able to start up again this week. I miss it. I bought her DVD's but I am not disciplined enough to push myself and I take breaks every time I feel tired.
Spent Dec 31 with the int'l CF here, then went home to call my old Ch_c_r prof (Prof A) and she told me I'm a slow worker. After today, I'm convinced she's right.
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
back from C-go!
Really tired out because there were multiple long plane delays both going to and coming from C___go. Got back in this morning at 5:30am, and found that I had lost my house keys. Climbed in through a window.
Will post later with more stories. Lots of work still, and I need to move half of my stuff to my other apartment. I will continue to live in The House, but I've rented a 1-bedroom basement apt that I can return to sleep and take time away from The House because this new semester I will be sharing a room again. My roommate has a boyfriend (who has lived in the house and just graduated) so they'll be happy that I will be out at night.
People wonder why I don't just leave The House completely, and I wonder the same thing myself. I might move out completely in March, but until the snow is gone, it's nice to have a place close to campus.
Will post later with more stories. Lots of work still, and I need to move half of my stuff to my other apartment. I will continue to live in The House, but I've rented a 1-bedroom basement apt that I can return to sleep and take time away from The House because this new semester I will be sharing a room again. My roommate has a boyfriend (who has lived in the house and just graduated) so they'll be happy that I will be out at night.
People wonder why I don't just leave The House completely, and I wonder the same thing myself. I might move out completely in March, but until the snow is gone, it's nice to have a place close to campus.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Away for the next four days
At this point, my life revolves around anxiety management. I'm convinced that I'm not ready this year, and I think it helps if I think of the next two days as preparation for next year.
Really struggling to remember that my life is not my own.
Will be back very late at night on Dec 30.
Went to Christmas Eve candlelight service, then to a couple of friends' house for dinner (R and J) because they wanted to keep their celebration "secular." Had Christmas lunch with the CICF'ers and it was very fun. Played Uno and found that if you play with the real rules (instead of made-up versions that resemble those of mahjong), Uno can actually be quite fun even if it does depend more on chance rather than strategy.
I'm looking forward to seeing J and K again.
Really struggling to remember that my life is not my own.
Will be back very late at night on Dec 30.
Went to Christmas Eve candlelight service, then to a couple of friends' house for dinner (R and J) because they wanted to keep their celebration "secular." Had Christmas lunch with the CICF'ers and it was very fun. Played Uno and found that if you play with the real rules (instead of made-up versions that resemble those of mahjong), Uno can actually be quite fun even if it does depend more on chance rather than strategy.
I'm looking forward to seeing J and K again.
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Monday, December 24, 2007
the truth
I'm not ready. I'm just not.
I had a phone conversation with Prof A last night, and it is always nice to talk to her--she's very forthright, much more forthright than I am. But she also does it with grace and generosity, and I have much to learn from her.
She had just had an emergency operation for a twisted colon. She said it's quite a rare and sudden condition. Well, it was nice to hear her voice anyway.
I'd really like to talk to Prof C, but it wouldn't be appropriate, I think. Resisting the temptation to call her takes all the strength I have. I feel like such a child.
I had a phone conversation with Prof A last night, and it is always nice to talk to her--she's very forthright, much more forthright than I am. But she also does it with grace and generosity, and I have much to learn from her.
She had just had an emergency operation for a twisted colon. She said it's quite a rare and sudden condition. Well, it was nice to hear her voice anyway.
I'd really like to talk to Prof C, but it wouldn't be appropriate, I think. Resisting the temptation to call her takes all the strength I have. I feel like such a child.
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Saturday, December 22, 2007
getting my head straight
Phew, lots to do before I leave for Chicago on Wed!
Feeling better this morning for several reasons:
1. I need to stop thinking about what *I* want.
2. I need to be completely professional, especially with respect to a certain school in which I have too much personal investment. It really isn't healthy for me, and I've been paralyzed by fear and anxiety for far too long.
3. I realized that my extreme sleeplessness last night (I think I was awake until 5 am) was due to the 2 cups of very strong Indian tea I imbibed yesterday during lunch time. I will now only consume that tea in the morning, and in very controlled amounts. My insomnia is bad enough even when I don't consume any caffeine.
Feeling better this morning for several reasons:
1. I need to stop thinking about what *I* want.
2. I need to be completely professional, especially with respect to a certain school in which I have too much personal investment. It really isn't healthy for me, and I've been paralyzed by fear and anxiety for far too long.
3. I realized that my extreme sleeplessness last night (I think I was awake until 5 am) was due to the 2 cups of very strong Indian tea I imbibed yesterday during lunch time. I will now only consume that tea in the morning, and in very controlled amounts. My insomnia is bad enough even when I don't consume any caffeine.
no, no . . .
The worst thing is getting what everyone else thinks is a good thing.
I don't know. I'm confused. I'm confused, and anxious, and sleepless.
Help.
I don't know. I'm confused. I'm confused, and anxious, and sleepless.
Help.
the paradox of being z
The worst thing that could happen, is that I get precisely what I wish for. And yet, I am filled with anxiety.
And even though I know how to think my way through this, I am still so anxious!
sigh.
And even though I know how to think my way through this, I am still so anxious!
sigh.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
no passport yet
Yesterday was a nightmare of a day. Hours and hours of waiting around at the consulate for them to process my passport renewal request, then the chip in the new passport wasn't working, and finally, the "server hang" on the M'sia side so they couldn't issue me a new one. Do NOT get me started on how frustrating it was. I finally got them to agree to pay for shipping, so they'll mail my new passport to me.
I had to go down myself because:
1) The passport pictures had to be with a "blue background," and EVERY photo place here only has a white background. The consulate had a photo service which consisted of the front desk guy, Remy, and his digital camera. I must say that Remy worked non-stop the entire time I was there and he even gave me a piece of pecan pie when I was the last person still waiting at the consulate. He was very sweet and hard-working.
2) If I mailed the passport in, it would've taken 3 months for them to process the renewal.
I got to see my old college friend Y_k_ who's working there, and ate good food in Chinatown! My friends and I also stopped by W__dbury Commons Outlet on our way down and Ts_ts_ got a very nice suit at CK. I didn't get anything.
On the way back up, T read the directions wrong and we ended up driving in NJ for 2 hours. We only got back in at 1am and I was so tired. Felt really sick today. Hopefully I'll be able to work tomorrow. Sigh. I need to work.
I had to go down myself because:
1) The passport pictures had to be with a "blue background," and EVERY photo place here only has a white background. The consulate had a photo service which consisted of the front desk guy, Remy, and his digital camera. I must say that Remy worked non-stop the entire time I was there and he even gave me a piece of pecan pie when I was the last person still waiting at the consulate. He was very sweet and hard-working.
2) If I mailed the passport in, it would've taken 3 months for them to process the renewal.
I got to see my old college friend Y_k_ who's working there, and ate good food in Chinatown! My friends and I also stopped by W__dbury Commons Outlet on our way down and Ts_ts_ got a very nice suit at CK. I didn't get anything.
On the way back up, T read the directions wrong and we ended up driving in NJ for 2 hours. We only got back in at 1am and I was so tired. Felt really sick today. Hopefully I'll be able to work tomorrow. Sigh. I need to work.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
snow storm
No trip to NYC today. We already have about 2 inches now (9:54am), and we'll prob end up with 8-10 inches, and it's worse south of us.
We are also getting a "nor'easter" this weekend, so even if we had been reckless and had driven down to NYC today, we would've been snowed in the city (which prob would've been fun) over the weekend. I heard on the radio earlier this morning that a few cars had already skidded and gone off the road.
I definitely need to go down on Monday to get my passport renewed because the consulate closes on the 20th for the holidays.
We are also getting a "nor'easter" this weekend, so even if we had been reckless and had driven down to NYC today, we would've been snowed in the city (which prob would've been fun) over the weekend. I heard on the radio earlier this morning that a few cars had already skidded and gone off the road.
I definitely need to go down on Monday to get my passport renewed because the consulate closes on the 20th for the holidays.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
very thankful
Mom emailed to say that dad went into operation much earlier than scheduled, and it's all over now. Doc says that the operation was successful, but mom couldn't speak to dad because he was still asleep when she was there.
in love, kind of
I went to the library to pick up one book that I'm hoping will help me get started on my next chapter. I ended up leaving with 20 books from that section.
I have 6 other books on my current list of books-to-pick-up-from-the-stacks. Sigh. This is why I need at least another year here.
I have 6 other books on my current list of books-to-pick-up-from-the-stacks. Sigh. This is why I need at least another year here.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Thanksgiving Break
Thanksgiving always reminds me of genocide, but never mind.
Went up to Rochester for a couple of nights to visit a fellow Malaysian who is now working there. It was about a 2-hr drive, which is a very short drive by US standards. I'll probably go down to NYC at some point in Dec to renew my passport and visit with friends there.
My friend and I cooked and ate and watched DVD's all day and night . . . I still don't feel like working. And of course, I have a pile of work that never seems to diminish. The more work you do, the more work there is.
I don't want to work anymore.
I don't want a job.
Went up to Rochester for a couple of nights to visit a fellow Malaysian who is now working there. It was about a 2-hr drive, which is a very short drive by US standards. I'll probably go down to NYC at some point in Dec to renew my passport and visit with friends there.
My friend and I cooked and ate and watched DVD's all day and night . . . I still don't feel like working. And of course, I have a pile of work that never seems to diminish. The more work you do, the more work there is.
I don't want to work anymore.
I don't want a job.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Sad news
I just received news that a guy I knew in college was killed in an attempted robbery. Amadou had just defended his dissertation recently and would have received his PhD this Dec.
Saturday, November 17, 2007
completely unproductive
only fell asleep last night at about 3am. sigh. wasn't very productive during the day, felt like a complete failure (what's new?), and didn't have a good badminton session either. spent the rest of the night feeling like a complete failure in all areas of my life. woke up late, then spent the morning waiting for the car inspector from my insurance company to do his job. his quote for the repairs is $1090, out of which $250 i have to pay for.
that means my insurance company will pay $840 worth of repairs, so they wrote me a check. if i don't make the repairs, or if i repair it without reporting it to the insurance company (for less than $840 and i pocket the rest), that's legal, but if i hit the front of my car again, the insurance company won't pay for any more repairs.
some of my friends would tell me to either
(1) don't make the repairs and pocket the $840
(2) repair it for less and pocket the change
because cars depreciate and it's not worth doing body work. i'm just worried if i do hit a deer again and if there's actually damage to my lights or engine--then i'll be paying it all myself.
sigh. so my entire morning is gone, with no work done, and i have to bring in my car to the shop this afternoon. great. this weekend is also pretty much taken up with things that i can't avoid.
on the bright side, someone's baked a russian tea cake for our christian fellowship meeting tonight.
that means my insurance company will pay $840 worth of repairs, so they wrote me a check. if i don't make the repairs, or if i repair it without reporting it to the insurance company (for less than $840 and i pocket the rest), that's legal, but if i hit the front of my car again, the insurance company won't pay for any more repairs.
some of my friends would tell me to either
(1) don't make the repairs and pocket the $840
(2) repair it for less and pocket the change
because cars depreciate and it's not worth doing body work. i'm just worried if i do hit a deer again and if there's actually damage to my lights or engine--then i'll be paying it all myself.
sigh. so my entire morning is gone, with no work done, and i have to bring in my car to the shop this afternoon. great. this weekend is also pretty much taken up with things that i can't avoid.
on the bright side, someone's baked a russian tea cake for our christian fellowship meeting tonight.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
back on track?
Played badminton yesterday and would really like to be regular again. I was sore and achey all over after that but I was also happier than I thought I would be. I guess I'd forgotten how happy it makes me.
Also starting to read for the dissertation again. Reading on "forgiveness" in philosophy and political theory now. Hopefully the books I've picked up from the library will be helpful. I tend not to like social science books; I really do love literature more than anything else.
I don't actually want a job now. I need more time to think and write!! Friend J who is a prof just wrote me saying that she's actually missing grad student life, and feels that teaching is taking her away from thinking and writing. Sigh.
They're re-paving the road that leads from the dorm out to the main street--FINALLY! There are so many potholes I often feel like I'm driving through a kampung road. Construction in Ithaca never ceases because the change in temperatures especially during the winter causes the streets to expand and contract. But I'm really happy they're doing our street now.
Also starting to read for the dissertation again. Reading on "forgiveness" in philosophy and political theory now. Hopefully the books I've picked up from the library will be helpful. I tend not to like social science books; I really do love literature more than anything else.
I don't actually want a job now. I need more time to think and write!! Friend J who is a prof just wrote me saying that she's actually missing grad student life, and feels that teaching is taking her away from thinking and writing. Sigh.
They're re-paving the road that leads from the dorm out to the main street--FINALLY! There are so many potholes I often feel like I'm driving through a kampung road. Construction in Ithaca never ceases because the change in temperatures especially during the winter causes the streets to expand and contract. But I'm really happy they're doing our street now.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
touched
Yesterday, my pilates instructor walked over to me before class started and asked me if I was okay. She said I seemed very quiet the past two sessions and she was wondering how I was doing.
I literally did a double-take when she said that. First, I didn't realize she even paid attention to me, and second, I guess I've had a lot on my mind this week. Being used as a "punching bag" really upset me, and I also realized that there was a glaring typo in the writing samples I've mailed out.
I was just really surprised that someone I didn't even really know could tell something was wrong.
I literally did a double-take when she said that. First, I didn't realize she even paid attention to me, and second, I guess I've had a lot on my mind this week. Being used as a "punching bag" really upset me, and I also realized that there was a glaring typo in the writing samples I've mailed out.
I was just really surprised that someone I didn't even really know could tell something was wrong.
Thursday, November 08, 2007
feeling better
The person who hurt me yesterday apologized today, and explained certain things. I feel better. Maybe I just need to learn to expect to be hurt like that and just suck it up.
Sigh.
Sigh.
$&%$(#*$&%^*
I'm angry. Scared. Hurt. Annoyed. Confused. Resentful.
I need to stop caring. I need to protect myself.
But there are these voices that go, "But Sz_ W__, this is what life's about . . . ." Well, you know what? Damn those voices. I just don't have time for this shit.
I need to stop caring. I need to protect myself.
But there are these voices that go, "But Sz_ W__, this is what life's about . . . ." Well, you know what? Damn those voices. I just don't have time for this shit.
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
hmmm
Doc recommended that my dad get a bypass. My mom and dad are going to talk to more docs, and my dad's going to think more about it.
Thursday, November 01, 2007
not too cute
I was driving a few House-members to the mall tonight so they could buy decorations for our formal dinner on Friday, and I hit a deer. Deers are considered pests in this area because there are so many of them and they like to run across roads at night. I saw one coming across the road and I slowed down but I couldn't stop because I didn't know if there was a car behind me. For a second, the deer looked like it was going to turn away, then it changed its mind and ran straight in front of my car.
Luckily, I was going slow enough that it wasn't a huge impact so all of us were fine. The deer wasn't so fine (it died), and my hood is now dented. I'll have to bring my car to the shop tomorrow to have my mechanic check it out. Sigh.
Luckily, I was going slow enough that it wasn't a huge impact so all of us were fine. The deer wasn't so fine (it died), and my hood is now dented. I'll have to bring my car to the shop tomorrow to have my mechanic check it out. Sigh.
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