difficult

From Henri Nouwen's "Here and Now":

"Imagine your having no need at all to judge anybody. Imagine your having no desire to decide whether someone is a good or bad person. Imagine your being completely free from the feeling that you have to make up your mind about the morality of someone's behavior. Imagine that you could say: 'I am judging no one!' Imagine--wouldn't that be true inner freedom?" (60).

"But--we can only let go of the heavy burden of judging others when we don't mind carrying the light burden of being judged!" (61).

This is difficult to do because we are often surrounded by people who are abusive, manipulative, or who are so emotionally unhealthy as to be destructive to others. A part of me cannot suspend judgment even if I do recognize that such a suspension is necessary because it brings freedom to the self (and to others to, but more to the self). My conclusion? I think that Christianity is a faith that asks for a lot, and it is a faith that requires of its adherence a whole lot more of giving away of self than any other belief system (religious or not).

sick and tired

Well, it looks like I won't be allowed to exercise with my arm for at least another week. It's tough when you can't work out to get rid of stress!! October is a rough month for me because I have two work-related deadlines besides teaching prep. And my MA students are turning in short papers next week--50 papers to grade over Fall break!

I'm thankful for.....the good weather we've been having! Sun and blue skies today, plus cooler winds....(but no windsurfing allowed, aagggh!) Just kidding. I'll stop with the complaints now.

Blood drive on campus this week so I'll donate tomorrow and take time to rest after that. If I don't get enough rest, I'll probably get sick soon. Leading my church home group in lectio divina on Friday evening.

injured

My shoulder has been hurting for a couple of weeks and I finally went in to see the physiotherapist who told me not to do any exercise that requires vigorous movements or heavy lifting with my right arm for 1-2 weeks. I've never hurt my shoulder before and when she told me I shouldn't play badminton this weekend, my head had a hard time processing her words.

I think I sprained my shoulder from a combination of carrying heavy bags of groceries and books, trying to learn a blocking move in wing chun, and from falling so much (and therefore needing to pull the sail up) during my windsurfing course and exam. Two weeks isn't very long at all but it feels like a century. She did say that if my should seems better next week, I may be able to play again. I've never ever been told that I cannot play because of an injury and the pain's not fun to live with. In the meantime, I'm taking ibuprofen with my meals, icing my shoulder when I can, and stretching it gently when my arm starts to feel numb from working at the computer.

 I can't imagine how people who have chronic pain live their lives because I am grumpy enough as it is.

no way!!!

Now this op-ed has turned everything I ever thought about colds upside down and inside out.

good times II

(This post is about making a note of blessings when I actually do feel thankful for them.)

I'm very thankful for the mentors I have had. That I have met and known, and continue to know, so many wonderful people--mentors and peers--is the singular blessing of my life. I will always be amazed by the lives of those who have been generous with their stories. The problem with my life in HK so far is that the people I meet are relatively homogenous. This is not to say that my friends here don't have amazing life stories. They do. And I'm sometimes meeting Chinese who come from places other than HK. But I'm not meeting the people who are so radically different and who nonetheless still connect with me at some deep level. Does that make sense? I guess I'm taking for granted that I am already making friends here in HK. But something's missing, and I think it's that I'm not making deep connections across either race, class, gender, sexuality, or age, or whatever else that is usually the basis for deep friendships.

I'm onto something here but I'm not sure I've fully worked out the thought. (And this post is too me-centered, but oh well. Next time I'll blog about someone or something else!)

---

Update: Maybe this just means I need to move out of my comfort zone here. Ugh, but I'm already so tired....

good times

I was looking through some of my old posts, and I saw this one. I wrote this as I was reflecting on the lessons I learned while I was in LA, and a part of me needs to remember some of these lessons now. In some ways, I think I am now a little further on than I was back then, but in other ways, I feel like I've not taken a step forward at all! Anyway, I just want to remind myself that these things happened, and I'm thinking about them now.

What lessons am I learning now? I'm not sure. I think I need to set aside time to really think that through.

-----

1. At the beginning of the fall last year, God said, "Trust Me."
2. I asked for healing from fear and I have been healed somewhat. Quite a bit actually, except that I'm constantly worrying over the current or upcoming challenge that I often forget how far I've come. I still have a fear of public speaking. :)
3. This past summer, I asked God to show me if I can write at a high level; if I can't, I need to look for a different job because academia is probably not for me. What I learned this past year was that I am dependent upon God for the daily progress I make in my work. For now, at least, I will remain in academia (mostly because I have a job for at least the next three years!).
4. I've come to see that God brought healing into my life even before I knew how to ask for it.
5. I need to live as if I will never go hungry again because God will never stop loving me.
6. A lesson on pedagogy that I learned from J. Y. during his visit: "First, tell them what they want to hear. Then, tell them what God wants them to hear." The challenge comes after comfort.
7. If I remain in Christ, I will give out of my fullness.
8. I've been introduced to the pleasure and awe that comes from seeing how God works in the lives of others, especially old friends. It is a privilege to walk with friends and to know them well enough to notice the changes in their character. I suspect that this will be one of the more valuable blessings of growing old and I hope that others will be blessed in this way too.
9. I want to have a spiritual mentor who is physically in the same place as I am. And I want to learn how to be a mentor myself. (The latter really scares me though.)
10. I want to trust that God is sovereign and that He is good.

Pedagogy and mentoring

I think I've been lucky--sometimes--to have had really wonderful mentors in my life. Everyone's always so busy, of course, so I'm always thankful for every little bit of time I can get from Person X or Person Y. I've been teaching for a few years now too but as a grad student and postdoc, my students usually stayed with me for only one or two semesters at a time before I or they moved on. Teaching usually gives me pleasure but I've not had the opportunity to develop the best kind of mentoring relationships I've been in as someone who is mentored. That is, I've not mentored someone the way I've been mentored (in the best possible ways, I mean).

This might change now that I'm more or less settled in one institution--for as long as they want me!--but I'm also not sure how I feel about becoming a mentor. I just bumped into the chair of my dept right outside my office, and she told me that she's been hearing good things from my MA students this semester. And well, I'm suspicious as always when I hear compliments, and somewhat relieved. But I'm also alarmed at the thought of having to be a mentor in the future. Can I afford to be as vulnerable as some of my mentors have been when I'm not quite as smart as those who have mentored me?

I don't think my mentors are perfect. In fact, what most alarms me about the mentoring relationship is that you do learn to see one's mentor's weaknesses. My mentors were a lot older, smarter, and more established when they became my mentors, and I cannot possibly be anything like them, so their vulnerabilities reveal less than what mine might reveal..... Sigh.

more on the fun stuff

I took the gov water center's beginner's course and assessment this weekend, and I passed!!!! It was a two-day course and on the first day, I found that I could do very little of what I had previously learned, and I'm not sure why. I almost decided against going to the second day of the course because I was so sure I would fail the test in the afternoon, but I couldn't give up because my brother and a couple of my friends had signed up together as a group. I couldn't give up because I was the only girl in the group.

Anyway, I gritted my teeth and prayed hard for light winds, and thank God that we did have light winds, and also that by the afternoon, I finally understood what I was doing. My arms and back are very sore and tired from having to haul and rehaul the sail every time I lost my balance and fell into the water. But I think I'm going to keep going when I can and hope that I don't forget what I learned this weekend! Renting gear from the gov centers is much cheaper AND they include wetsuits for the winter too, so it makes sense to learn this sport now. At about USD 4 an hour for a rig and wetsuit? That's a pretty good deal.

Teaching moves apace but publishing is still very slow. By the end of October, I need to send off an essay for a small book collection (published by a minor press) but I haven't started writing it!!!

Am I happy? I think so. I am happy most of the time, and as some of you have pointed out, that's as much as anyone of us can hope for. ;)

oh boy

I think I have a good life but I always seem to be complaining! Well, here I go again....I'm tired!! Managed to get a windsurfing workshop this weekend, and since it is taught by instructors at the gov center here, the fees are cheap and we're lucky to actually get an appointment. But now I'm so tired that I'd like to back out but if I don't do it now, I won't get to do it until next summer! Taking this course will also enable me to rent windsurfing boards from the gov at about $3 an hour, which is much cheaper than the private centers. But after this weekend, who knows when I'll have the energy to go windsurfing?? Plus, now that the weather is cooler, I'd have to buy a wetsuit .... sigh.

I'm sure it'll be fun, I just hope I won't fall sick after the weekend.

story from the classroom

I wanted to put this on FB but decided against it. Last night, I barely held back the giggles when one of my MA students introduced himself as "Frosty." I was taken back enough when another student introduced himself as "Swift," but when "Frosty" said his name, I was facing the entire class and I can't remember if I managed to keep a straight face but I'll pat myself on the back for not laughing out loud at that point. I giggled my way to sleep after class though.

good morning

I am starting the day with peace. I have no answers, but I do have peace. A friend shared with me a piece that she used to sing with her choir:

Deep peace of the running wave to you.
Deep peace of the flowing air to you.
Deep peace of the quiet earth to you.
Deep peace of the shining stars to you.
Deep peace of the Son of Peace to you.

i need a vacation

I can't believe how busy the last couple of weeks have been and I'm hoping to finally settle into a rhythm soon. We all dread the first couple of weeks of school and I think that it's usually better once we get used to our schedules but at this point, I wonder if that is just wishful thinking or even a delusion I've convinced myself is true. This semester is brutal because I have 50 students in my MA class, and 40 in the undergrad class. (Both classes are full.) Next semester, the class that is capped at 50 is already full, but the class that is capped at 40 has low enrollments. I've been told I need to up it a little but haha, a part of it wants me to keep that low so that I won't have as much grading to do!!!!

a jealous god

I've always struggled to understand the notion of a jealous God.

What does it mean to worship a God who is capable of feeling

jealousy?

I think I'm learning now what it means....what joy! How 

amazing and wonderful that the God I love is a jealous God!

--- 

Daily Meditation for August 15, 2010
                written by Henri Nouwen
 
_........................................................._
 
Protecting Our Hiddenness
 
If indeed the spiritual life is essentially a hidden

life, how do we protect this hiddenness in the midst 

of a very public life?   The two most important ways

to protect our hiddenness are solitude and poverty. 

Solitude allows us to be alone with God. 

There we experience that we belong not to people, not 

even to those who love us and care for us but to God 

and God alone.  Poverty is where we experience our 

own and other people's weakness, limitations, and 

need for support.  To be poor is to be without 

success, without fame, and without power.  But there 

God  chooses to show us God's love.
 
Both solitude and poverty protect the hiddenness of our
lives.

---

Every now and then, people will say something like, "Oh,

we should go back to the fervor we felt when we first

discovered Christ's love! New Christians are so much

more passionate than those of us who have been 

Christians for much longer." I think that's a crazy-

making idea. The myth that new Christians are the 

"most passionate" rings untrue for me, even when it is

said precisely to encourage those new Christians. 

I would not go back to that time for anything.

This isn't to say those times were bad, but I am so much

in awe of what God has done, I am so much

in awe of how He speaks to me now, and I can't wait to see 

what the future will be like!

CS Lewis was very wise. In one of the Narnia books--can't 

remember which one--Lucy meets Aslan after a long separation

and she remarks in surprise, "You've grown bigger!" Aslan then

replies, "You'll find that I grow bigger as you grow bigger" 

(my own poor paraphrase). 

Well, maybe I should be more sensitive and encouraging to 

others around me. I just need to figure out how to be that

without saying things I don't think are true! 

masih keliru

I think I'm noticing a pattern to the periods when I have felt "happiest." I hope I'm wrong though. It's too early to go public with these thoughts and I'm sure that in the future, when I look back at this post, I'll kick myself for being so vague that even I can't remember what these thoughts are! But I just had to write something about it even if I can only be vague at this time.

Let's just say that happiness has to do with being in certain kinds of friendships. Even this may be a bit too much to post but oh well. Some people who know me well may guess what I'm talking about so please don't post the answer in the comments section, just send me an email!!!

what would you do if you had a year left to live?

I hate rhetorical questions like this one because it's impossible to live as if you only had a year left to live when you do have to plan for all those others years that have been allotted to you. Okay, that was a badly written sentence, but never mind. (And never mind also that rhetorical questions are never meant to be answered.) We used this ice-breaker again at home church a couple of weeks ago and I groaned inwardly but came up with a fairly honest answer: "I'd travel the world with my friends."

And today, I realized that yes, I would like to travel the world with my friends. It is such a pleasure to either discover new places together or to show someone around a place that is somewhat familiar to me. So if I had a year left to live, I would visit with my friends. Hah. See how impractical this rhetorical question is?? What has that revealed?? (I suppose we should just exercise self-discipline and not answer rhetorical questions.)

I'm not quite sure how to make sense of all the emotions I'm feeling right now. I'm thankful, sad, tired, amazed, anxious, confused....and there have been many hours this week when I've felt excited and happy too (just not right now). Being thankful is an act of obedience at this point, even if it is easy to recognize that I have much to be thankful for!

It's very strange, but the Malay word for "confused," i.e. keliru, seems to resonate more strongly than the English word even though I am predominantly an English speaker. I don't even know why I noticed that, maybe I'm trying to distract myself. Anyway.

Had a great time with SMS who was in town for a speaking engagement and at first I thought MS and I would only be spending an afternoon and evening with her but it turns out that we got to see her for three days of her six day stay. Saying good-bye is always tough.

This came at a kairotic moment: 

Daily Meditation for August 25, 2010
                written by Henri Nouwen
 
_........................................................._
 
Love and the Pain of Leaving
 
Every time we make the decision to love someone, we open
ourselves to great suffering, because those we most love
cause us not only great joy but also great pain.   The
greatest pain comes from leaving.  When the child leaves
home, when the husband or wife leaves for a long period 

of time or for good, when the beloved friend departs to 

another country or dies ... the pain of the leaving can 

tear us apart.
 
Still, if we want to avoid the suffering of leaving, we 

will never experience the joy of loving.  And love is 

stronger than fear, life stronger than death, hope 

stronger than despair.  We have to trust that the risk 

of loving is always worth taking.
 
              ''''''''''''''''''''''''''

One week left of the summer!

School starts up again in September and I'm having mixed feelings about it. I'm relieved that I've finalized the syllabus and course reader for one class and I'm almost done with the other class. But I'm also bracing myself for the whirlwind that the first month of school usually is. This fall, I'm teaching two introductory-type classes, one for undergrads and the other for the MA program, and they require a lot of reading, especially on my part! Since I have to cover a few texts/authors that are not a part of my own research interests, I need to read a little more so that I can explain difficult concepts to others. I'm nervous.

I haven't done enough research this summer either so I'm sad to see the summer come to an end but hey, who knows what the fall will bring!

another random conversation in my head

I often daydream about conversing with different friends especially when I'm trying to think things through. It usually means I'm missing this or that particular old friend and wishing that I could actually talk to the person. But anyway, I was trying to describe Col to an old friend, and in this imaginary conversation, I said, "Oh, he is like CCM!" And as practice, in my head, I thought of how to first describe Col in positive ways.

He is warm. He is affectionate. He enjoys being around people. He is devoted.

But he can also be stifling. Smothering. Obsessive!!

Col and CCM are the kind of guys that are very attractive to most women but not to someone like me. I think I'm realizing that I'm actually pretty happy with some things about being single....such as not having someone breathe down my neck.

I agreed--a little reluctantly--to play mixed doubles with Col in a competition that one of his business organizations is putting on so we played together last weekend at one of the clubs we both go to, and he was also more "attentive" when we were watching other pairs play. But as much as I appreciate his friendship, I realized that I'm really glad we're only platonic friends because......I need my space. Someone like Col would drive me nuts. He called me 4-5 times on Sat and I didn't pick up because I didn't want to talk at that point and later he said he called me so many times because he was "worried" about me.

????!!!

Theoretically, I appreciate the concern but really, I'll ask for help if I need it and I don't want to be picking up the phone because someone else is worrying about me when there's nothing to worry about. Does that make sense or am I crazy??? 

So, I hope this just means that I'm not interested in having Col be an intimate part of my life, and I hope it does not mean that I'm meant to be single forever although if it's a choice between a guy like Col or being single, I choose to be single. Maybe I'd be happy to have a different kind of guy breathe down my neck, although I'm pretty sure a guy who's independent and busy would probably work better for me. Like I said, guys like Col would be great for most women, just not someone like me.

Must remember that all gifts are to build up, encourage and bless the community.

headache

Luckily, I don't suffer from headaches like some of my friends but I get what I think of as the "heavy head" syndrome. That's when I can't seem to hold my head upright and all I want to do is hold my head in my hands. I'm having an attack right now. I turned in a seed research grant that is supposed to be automatically granted to new profs at my institution but I've just been told that I have 10 days to revise it because the project sounds too advanced.

Advanced my foot! I've barely begun this work!! So now I have to go back and do more work to make it seem more like a pilot project. Thanks a lot, really, thanks.

Went for a short run yesterday now that my cold symptoms have cleared up but by the end of the run, I was close to blacking out. I'm going to try another short run this evening, and that will give me an indication of whether or not I'll be ready to go running tomorrow with my home group from church.

still miserable but smiling

I spent most of the past four days trying my best to get better and my bones which had previously turned to jello are slowly recovering as well but the congestion is only partly gone. I really must find a way to get sick less often!!!! This time round, the muscle aches and chills were the worst I've ever experienced. For a moment I thought I had the flu but then concluded that it can't be because I was keeping food down. I picked up a 1078-page translation of Alexander Dumas's "The Count of Monte Christo"--which I had never read, believe it or not--and finished it this morning. The novel was quite entertaining but it also required a great amount of effort to suspend disbelief.

Anyway, two reasons why I'm smiling:

First, a now-retired popular HK singer who loves badminton showed up to the Sat night badminton group I usually play with.....I was too sick to play but I showed up to watch and made sure to wear a surgical mask. Yeah, I couldn't resist. (And I was so exhausted just from watching!! This cold has really drained me.) The club's organizer told me about her visit a couple of days ago and I was convinced he was pulling my leg so he said, "Come and see for yourself! You're not allowed to play because you didn't sign up before the spots were filled up but you can just come." So I did. I was too shy to ask for her pic although she was very bubbly and generous with everyone who wanted a pic. The pic here is of the celebrity (in the middle) with the club organizer and his wife.

Second, the aforementioned club organizer, Adr, was FB chatting with me a couple of hrs after the session and I'm not sure how but he started asking me how old I was, if I had a boyfriend, etc. He already knew that I have a PhD and when he found out that I'm turning 32 this year, he said "You have to lower your standards. And don't tell people that you are a professor. Just tell them you are a teacher. If you tell people you have a PhD, it is like taking out a sword and killing them." Then he recommended a local dating site for people in our faith community and said "They won't take you on after you hit 35."

So now I'm smiling because it's really funny. I'm sure Adr sincerely believes everything he said to me and I'm not naive enough to disbelieve him but.....well, it's nice to have sincere friends, yes?? 

Okay, I need to go lay down again.

Can't find a good youtube music video of SY, but in this video, she sings one of the theme songs to an old movie from the early 90s. She doesn't show up on screen but you can hear her voice.

doldrums

I think my body is fighting another vicious virus. No fair, I was sick for two weeks back in April!!!! So far, I'm not congested and if I have a temperature, it's very slight but my whole body is weak and aches all over. Hopefully, rest, fluids, and vitamins will help stave it off but I'm running low on food and it's been raining hard over here. I hope it stops raining before I have to drag myself out to get more food. During times like this, being single sucks.

giants of faith

During home church meeting last night, I suggested we describe one person we respect or admire as part of our ice-breaker. I thought it would be an easy ice-breaker because I can go on for hours just talking about the different people who have made a difference in my life. To my surprise, almost everyone had to think long and hard before they could come up with one person.

I guess I should be very, very grateful that I've met so many wonderful and amazing people, both in and outside of the faith.

minor epiphany

I just realized that I hate repetitions. I hate doing the same thing or living the same kind of experience more than once. Learning a new skill or sport requires practice and repetition but with some sports, even repeating the same move can contain miniscule differences. It's definitely true with badminton since everyone plays differently and when you put four people on the same court you have an almost limitless number of permutations of shots. It is also true that if you don't vary your sparring partners, the game becomes too predictable and therefore boring.

And I've been fortunate that life hasn't become boring yet! There are days when I long for stability and a routine that will last more than a year or so but I grudgingly admit that I would be bored if and when that happens. Sometimes, I think that certain struggles that I go through over and over again frustrate me precisely because I hate that it is repetitive even though clearly, I haven't learned how to get through whatever it is. And this also why I hate memorizing Bible verses--too much repetition necessary!! Hmmm, what does this all mean??

things to think about

Last week, I officially recognized and celebrated the fact that I've been taking baby steps in my work! This week, I have to gather up my courage and do more of it.....But I know now that I can make some headway in work as long as they are baby steps and as long as I don't let fear shackle me down. I need to keep moving forward after a bit of rest.


Last week also showed how mistaken I was to assume that I've seen--and thus am no longer surprised by or have difficulty with--a lot of different kinds of relational troubles. Since this is a blog that only friends have access to, I feel like I can be a bit more up front about how I feel but sometimes I wonder how much of what I write counts as gossip too, so I'll try to be as general as possible without giving away this person's identity.

I stuff my foot in my mouth on a regular basis and I think I did that again this past weekend. When I asked the person I think I offended if there was anything wrong, he just said "Oh, I'm just tired." (No, this is not a romantic relationship but for reasons that will become clear, gender is important to this story.) To cut a long story short, I took him at his word at that point but as time passed, he was clearly sulking and acting in a passive aggressive manner, i.e. he wouldn't talk as he normally did and if i said anything, he gave monosyllabic answers.  This became especially clear in group conversations when he engaged others in the group but then looked tired or bored when I spoke. After awhile, I just ignored him and refused to speak to him until he spoke to me--and he did when he saw that I engaged others in conversation rather than him.

(Nota bene: I'm now very good at being self-sufficient in social situations. I wouldn't like to live on a desert island by myself but I suspect that I would find a way to live a happy and fulfilled life regardless.)

Hanging out with someone who acts in this way is really not much fun and I am quite convinced now after several observations that he acted that way because I had somehow hurt his fragile, little male ego. If I'm right, and I think I am, then I feel very sorry for my female friends who are married to men who don't know how to deal with conflict because I was around this guy for only a few hours and I was tired, upset, and hurt myself. I can't imagine being married to someone who treated me like this off and on and off and on again.

I know I was wrong to have been careless with my words and honestly, I do my very best to guard my tongue most of the time--which is why I avoid people when I'm tired and can no longer guard my tongue--and yes, I do have wrong ideas in my head still and will invariably act and speak in ways that are a reflection of those wrong ideas. But rather than have someone revert to passive aggressive behavior, I'd much prefer a gentle confrontation if possible, and if not, I'd even prefer a shouting match so that the issues are at least on the table. Right now, I can't even apologize for what I said because I'm not 100% sure that what I said is what's bugging him. (I also suspect that several other things happened that chipped away at his ego that afternoon so I am not wholly to blame, but I very much wish I could be certain.)

Well, when I was younger and wasn't as aware or in control of my emotional responses, I had the great luck of being surrounded by more mature people who loved me and didn't turn away from me even when I hurt them. It's payback time now. I shouldn't turn away from friendship with this guy and I can only hope that over time, things will get better. (No, I'm not interested in a romantic relationship with this guy but I honor and enjoy platonic friendships greatly.) In the meantime, I need to go brush up my skills at smiling vapidly and acting in a deferential manner. And if I can't do those things, I'll just act like the quiet, reserved, serious person that I sometimes am anyway.

I wish I had a better answer to this. And I hope to God that if I do get married, my husband would have learned a lot of conflict resolution skills. (Yes, I need to keep working on my own too!)

limits

Okay, I know now that I can't schedule a windsurfing session the same day I play badminton. My legs and back get so fatigued after windsurfing. Never again! Also, the soreness of my back muscles tells me that windsurfing is pushing me to use back muscles that I don't normally use. This is great as long as I am careful to maintain proper posture because the last thing I want is to injure my lower back.

I actually don't really have much to say at this point, but wanted to talk out loud randomly. I'm a little tired of eating. Can't seem to think of what I'd like to eat and tend to rush through my meals a little too quickly so that I'm done with it. I get hungry, of course, and that's why I eat but I'm not eating for pleasure right now and I don't know why that is. It'd be nice if I could stop feeling hungry so that I don't have to eat at all!!! Isn't that weird? I usually love food.

energy!

YES!!! This post is not about how I'm lethargic, anemic (metaphorically speaking), or depressed (more or less metaphorical as well). I woke up at 7:30am and I've been moving slowly all morning but at least I've been moving! I have been sipping a very strong cup of HK-style milk tea so that might have something to do with it. HK-style milk tea is similar to M'sia's teh tarik; they're both loaded with caffeine. I prefer teh tarik, of course, but this will do every now and then. Caffeine does put me a little on edge so I really should commit to finding a green tea substitute. Green tea is also high in caffeine but the way the tea is processed (or plucked, dried, whatever) makes it a "softer" kind of tea. That is, it gives you the benefits of caffeine without its side effects.

But this new-found energy is not just a result of the tea, I think it's a result of two other things I'm doing as well. The first is, of course, badminton! I played three hours last night with a fairly decent group and was super tired out last night. I was afraid that I would be fatigued this morning but that hasn't happened. In retrospect, I think that I'm someone with a lot of nervous energy and if I don't channel that energy somewhere, my body somehow goes into the opposite direction and shuts down. It's weird but I'm now convinced that if I don't get enough exercise, I just feel sleepy and tired. I think I have a busy weekend ahead: thinking of going windsurfing on Sat morning, badminton on Sat night, then TWO sessions of badminton on Sun evening (trying out one new club and playing at my regular club), plus trying out another new club on Mon night, and then possibly playing for a second time at a different club (the club I played at last night for the first time) on Tues night. That would mean four consecutive days of a lot of exercise. It might be overkill but then again, maybe my body can handle it.

The second more important reason for this new found energy is theological. I've been enjoying the online sermons of a friend's former pastor. His sermons are only 30 mins long but I almost always learn something new. As I said in the post below, I've been listening to his sermon series on time and work and two insights have really made a large impact on my life this week. First, the insight that our life's rhythms are pegged to the seven-day schedule where everything we need to do in life, we have to do within seven days. That is, everything important to us has to take place within the seven day cycle, including work, play, and relationships. This means that we need to find time to rest within the week. And we need to find time to work and be in relationship with others as well.

I've been tired and I tried resting and resting and resting until I felt rested. That didn't work even though it sounds like it should work. This week, I'm trying an experiment. Yes, I still feel tired but I'm going to try to include as much work into my day as possible. Today is only Wednesday but I think there is truth to this seven-day-cycle idea. An old childhood friend made the observation a few weeks ago that I'm a "woman of extremes." It came up when I told her I was telling her that I'm picking up windsurfing. Her immediate reaction was to ask "When are you turning pro?" I laughed because I had thought seriously about it (and came to the conclusion that it would take far too many years to turn pro). But it was helpful for me to think about this. Being someone of "extremes" is useful at times because I push myself. But sometimes, it's more detrimental to life in general because I neglect other areas of my life and burn out on one thing.

The second insight from his sermons is that work is hard. You'll have to listen to his sermon yourself to understand the idea fully because this post is getting too long. But wow, that flummoxed me and it was also liberating. Work is hard. Why should I be surprised to find that it is hard? My mind and spirit have been shut down because I just couldn't face the work I was supposed to be doing. It has been such a struggle to get started on it and it is still such a struggle. But I'm going to keep going for now and see what happens.

This is different from doing a job that is "wrong" for you. I don't know if this job is right or wrong for me because I have never given my all. And right now, I'm excited by the thought of trying things out. I'm scared to death of failing. I'm scared to death of finding out that it is "wrong" for me and that I might not have the skills for it. But I shouldn't let that fear stop me from trying things out. And trying it out will be hard. But that's okay because work is hard.

paying the price

I don't have time to explore fully what I learned from the minor disagreement with my friend last week. I've realized perhaps a little belatedly that the worst decisions I've made in the past were always made when I felt threatened and was therefore either angry or afraid, or both. God has redeemed and will continue to redeem my bad decisions. I might have to live with the consequences of those bad decisions but at the end of the day, I know I will say that God was good, he is good, and that regardless of what happens, there is still much for which I can be thankful.

But at the same time, I'd like to be more careful about how I make my decisions, especially during moments of anger or fear. I hope that in the future, I'll take the time to stand back, breathe deeply, acknowledge the fear or anger, wait for the emotions to subside and only then begin to weigh my options. I'm not saying that everyone shouldn't make decisions out of fear or anger because sometimes we don't have the luxury of time and maybe not everyone has the same struggles as I do. But as for myself, I'd like to make that time whenever possible and it'd be nice if I could be more aware of my emotional states.

Well, last week, I also learned a bit about time and what the Bible has to say about time, thanks to a sermon series I've been listening to online. This summer, I'm struggling to take baby steps re work and so far, it has involved a lot of procrastination and napping to avoid work and the awful feelings it provokes. Opening that word document is the most difficult thing in the world. But this week, I've been doing it for two days now, only after much desperate prayer, "Oh, lord, help me help me help me help me!!!!", still more internet breaks, and still a lot of napping. (It doesn't help that my upstairs neighbor's air-conditioning unit is dripping and the drips are falling on my air-conditioning unit in loud pings that disrupt my sleep.) I'm working on easy editing at the moment and marking sections where I need to put serious thought into the writing. Hopefully I'll be on my way to more serious thinking and writing by the end of the week.

okay, i've got a problem

Do you know what I really really hate?? I really really hate it when people act needy. I called a friend recently, and she goes, "Oh, okay, what's up? Something's up. What's wrong?" As if I only call her when something's wrong.

FIRST off, she's the one who keeps saying: "Oh, call me if you need anything, okay? Just call me!" Okay, well, I'm new to the freaking place and in the past SIX months, sure I've had to call because I need advise or tips or directions. But honestly, I can't remember the last time I called her for help.

AND SECOND, this is the first weekend of July, and I was away for the first TWO WEEKS of June, then SHE was away for the third week of June, so we've been in the same city for one week when we haven't seen each other. Last I recall, we went windsurfing together the weekend before I left for Cyprus!!!! So all of a sudden, I don't call her except to ask for help????

This is so unfair. Okay, I admit it, I do NOT like to talk on the phone, I just don't. But guess what? I don't talk on the phone most of the time, it's not just her. And, I've been busy sleeping, watching TV and trying to get my act together, it's not like I've ditched her, I've ditched everyone else too! (Except for badminton and church, it's true, but I'm allowed to have some obsessions.)

UGH.

I hate it when I have moments like this where I feel like I'm a bad friend. Well, because it's not like she needed me to be there for her, you know?? If she was in trouble I'd be there. But she's not in trouble, and besides, what would we do? Go out to lunch? Watch a movie? So exciting .... 

Okay, fine, in my head I did think, "Well, it's not like we have the most exciting conversations and I can't think of anything to say to her so I'm just going to stay home." But does that make me the bad friend??? I feel like a teenager again.

Something's going on here and I don't know what it is, I just know that this is annoying me to no end, partly because I've had other needy friends in the past who made me feel like there's something wrong with me. Well, if there's something wrong with me because I like to stay home and I don't need to be as social as other people, then FINE, there's something wrong with me and if you can't handle it, just go away and leave me alone. Give me anymore of "oh something's up right, come on, something's got to be up" and you will never hear from me again. And it wasn't like we've been best friends all these years. Come on, I just moved here six months ago!!!!

Rant over. I'm still steaming but I have to stop. Stuff like this makes me want to go into counseling again because this is what we call "crazy-making."

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Update

Now that I've calmed down, I think I've learned a lot from what happened this weekend. More next time because I have to head out to church now but I'll just say for now that this touched a raw nerve and the next time something like this happens, I should probably wait 24hrs before doing or saying anything about it. I am glad that I didn't say anything to this friend though because if I had done it while I was mad, it wouldn't have worked out well.