frustration

You know what I really hate? People who assume that I'm not busy. I'm sorry, I am busy, and I can't do a lot of things right now because I have a shit load of things to do and just because I want to be nice and do some nice things for people every now and then, it doesn't mean they can assume that I'm going to be their babysitter. Sometimes, I just need them to listen to me whine and to take me seriously just as I take them and their whining seriously too.

UGGH. I need grace to show grace, PLEASE!!!

feeling ill

Have a bad cold (AGAIN!) and feeling yucky despite going full force with all meds.

Trying to figure out if I want to line up an apt for spring NOW, or wait until Nov to see if any thing opens up for the spring. I hate making decisions, I really do. One of the apts I'm considering is a basement apt, and it doesn't get much light, but I'm already thinking of getting a "light box" to help with my sleeping problems, so it won't matter much that the apt is kinda dark, right?

Saw the sleep doctor on Friday, and he suggested sitting in front of a light box for 30 mins when I wake up. Will also be going in for an overnight sleep study, although the doc seems to think that my probs are due to bad habits and stress. Among the (very impossible) habits that he wants me to inculcate are:

- no bright lights (TV, computer, reading lights) as soon as possible after dark.
---> What will I do??? Sit around and shake my legs? No work??? Sigh.

- no heavy exercise after dinner-time (6pm)
---> Most of my badminton buddies can only play after work!

- no naps
---> I limit myself to one nap (15 mins) a day otherwise I don't know how I'd make it.

- no thinking or reading in bed
---> This means I have to do all my work sitting up straight (no sofas, no couches for me because of my back problems, remember?)

Life is hard, very hard. But I suppose if I do all this, my life will actually resemble most normal people's . . . except that I can't play badminton after 7pm.

change

got this from naomiobi's blog:

abandoned expectations

from today's slice of infinity:

Noted author and pastor Craig Barnes poignantly describes the emergence of new perspectives as the very process of conversion:

"The deep fear behind every loss is that we have been abandoned by the God who should have saved us. The transforming moment in Christian conversion comes when we realize that even God has left us. We then discover it was not God, but our image of God that abandoned us.... Only then is change possible."

Indeed, Joseph reveals his new perspective to his brothers who betrayed him; "As for you, you meant evil against me but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive" (Genesis 50:20). This is no biblical cliche. Joseph did witness God's intervention and love. But not in the way he expected. God has not promised to make our lives go as we plan. Instead, God promises to give us the necessary new perspective to see his goodness and grace in the midst of our abandoned expectations.

unbelievable

Friend E hurt her finger and asked me to drive her to the university clinic. The x-rays show that her wasn't broken but she's waiting to hear back to see it's fractured. She's hoping that it's only jammed, and that she'll be able to play frisbee again soon (that's how she hurt her finger). We got everything done around lunchtime so we went to CTB's together and had a good conversation.

E confessed that it scares her that men are so visual in their orientation to how "attractive" a woman is or is not . . . I was a little stunned to hear her say that because E is gorgeous. Beautiful. I am always shocked to I learn that my amazing, beautiful, wonderful female friends worry about their bodies or faces. They are lovely inside and outside . . . and they still worry. It's a horrible world where beautiful women are so constantly critical of themselves and so afraid that they are unloved and unloveable.

On another note, I didn't get much sleep last night (thanks to a sinfully-rich choc dessert full of caffeine) and am really barely functional today. Sigh.

Ps - E knows that beauty fades, and she's afraid that if a man loves her now because of her physical appearance, he might stop loving her one day.

not much to tell

Life has been uneventful lately (thank God!!!), so haven't been posting much. The few things that do come to mind:

1. Goat roast today! Frien B_cky's parents came up this weekend to bring her final load of furniture (she moved into my summer sublet apt) , so they're also spending the weekend camping at a nearby park and invited CICF'ers over for a pot-luck where they provided roast goat!! VERY yummy. And it's always fun to eat and relax with other people. S_mson gave me a ride home because neither one of us wanted to go to the concert after the meal. We had a very nice long conversation on the drive back--mostly because I accidentally brought B_cky's car keys with me and we had to turn back to drop the keys off so she could get home!!!!!

2. Read the last book in the Harry Potter series today! Was going to wait till Christmas to read it but people keep talking about it and they often let slip what happens, so I decided to go ahead and read it for myself. It didn't start off too well and there are obvious holes in it but I do like how it turned out in the end. I really do think that all that is lovely and good is a variation of the good news. But that's my humble opinion. :)

3. Saw Michael Moore's Sicko on Fri night and really enjoyed it. It really is a BAD idea to get sick or have accidents if you are not covered by a pretty comprehensive insurance plan. Even if you do have insurance, lots of people still have trouble with medical bills. Quite horrifying.

4. 2 more weeks before I move back into T-house. Sigh.

AAAHHHHHH!!!!

It's July and I'm still cold. CICF is going on its annual weekend canoeing/camping trip mid-August this year because late August is too cold, but at this rate, we might still be cold!!!!

blessings again

Had a wonderful walk and then a very nutritious dinner with an old friend and old roommate, E, who is a Nutrition PhD. E and I are very different in temperament, as different as could possibly be, I think. But over the years, I think we've learned how to get along with and appreciate one another!

E just spent about a year in Afghanistan and has been back trying to write up her dissertation. We had a very good conversation about various things, and our conversation actually confirmed that something I'm thinking of doing could be the right thing to do.

It was very restful to be with someone who understands how I operate and accepts me for who I am and what I can offer.

Pilates

I went to my first pilates class today, and it was hard. The class definitely made me work out muscles I never knew I had. Actually, to be more accurate, it made me work out muscles that I never knew I never had!

My past back problems--no, I'm not a hypochondriac, I really do have all these problems!--have been concentrated on my lumbar and while I am doing MUCH better now after chiropractic care, trying to do some of the pilates exercises revealed just how atrophied the muscles in that area are!

There was just no way I could've done the exercise that would have required me to bring my legs and back up over my stomach and head (reverse bridge?) much less do that holding the exercise ball between my legs. That was so impossible for me I just gaped in astonishment at the instructor and the other folks in the class.

Needless to say, this revelation alone is spurring me to drop my regular gym workout (cardio and light weights) in favor of the pilates sessions because the classes run during the times I would've gone to the gym anyway. I need to strengthen my lower back and clearly my gym workouts aren't helping! My gym workout has helped overall but now it's time to target my back muscles and pilates seems to be better for that.

Academics have horrible posture, back problems, and carpal tunnel. I want none of that.

piece from Sojourners

Check out Sojourners for more.

----

Sanctuary Breaks An Unjust Law

by Alexia Salvatierra

Why would a congregation risk prosecution to provide sanctuary
to an immigrant family? Why would a pastor decide that people
who have broken laws deserve protection, support, and advocacy?

When I was doing missionary work in Southeast Asia, I attended a
service in a language that I didn't speak. At a certain point, I
discerned that they were saying the Lord's Prayer. It was an
amazing moment; I felt the depth of our connection as brothers
and sisters in Christ, beyond all of our differences. When we
got to the line, "Forgive our debts as we forgive our debtors,"
I was struck by the insight that one of the deepest roots of our
connection is the common experience of God's mercy. While we
were yet sinners ... while we did not deserve forgiveness ...
before we had any capacity to repent ... someone loved us enough
to die for us. Someone had compassion on us - literally "com"
(with) and "passion" (feeling) - someone felt with us, felt our
pain as if it was his pain, our hopes and dreams as if they were
his hopes and dreams.

Sanctuary is an act of compassion, an expression of mercy. It
is, however, not mercy at the expense of justice. Participants
in the New Sanctuary Movement believe that our current
immigration system is profoundly unjust - so unjust that we
believe that we are facing one of those unique moments
throughout history when divine law and human law are in
conflict, and God's justice demands that we stand with those who
break unjust laws even at the risk of sharing their punishment.
Sanctuary is not only about mercy; it is also about justice.

But for many of us, the decision to provide sanctuary is rooted
in the impulse of the heart to love as we have been loved - to
hear the cries of Liliana and Joe and Mae and Jose and Juan and
Jean's children and respond with compassion.

Yet, the act of sanctuary is more than simple charity. What we
do with someone who has broken into our house only to go on to
clean it, take care of our garden, remodel the deck, watch over
the children, and cook us dinner? We read in Hebrews that those
of us who provide hospitality have entertained angels unaware.
To offer sanctuary is to recognize that the strangers in our
midst are blessing us, in clear and mysterious ways. May we
respond with the hospitality that we have received.

Rev. Alexia Salvatierra is the executive director of CLUE
(Clergy and Laity United for Economic Justice), an organization
of religious leaders in Los Angeles county who support low-wage
workers.

not much of an update

My mind is a whirl of thoughts much too confused to share right now. I'm not sure they're bad thoughts. They're certainly difficult to think through.

Sometimes I feel so old. Then I remember, well, I am getting older!!! :) I just wish I haven't felt so old for so long. I think that's why sometimes I so enjoy the childish pleasures of life.

The "smart" kid is supposed to be smart all the time. And then you get to graduate school and you realize that you can't frame your world that way anymore, especially as a Christian academic. God calls each and everyone of us to our particular life paths and gives us different gifts for the journey; one is not better than another. But too often we forget this.

Sometimes I feel so selfish, and other times, I wonder . . . why not? :) Sometimes I feel like people want to see me a certain way, like they expect me to live a certain kind of life--because they think I have certain gifts or strengths. That's really hard to live with because I often feel that failure is not an option for me. And of course, "success" is very narrowly defined, so missing the mark is that much easier.

Healing comes, but slowly.

I'm going to ask everyone who reads this to not respond, either through the comment section or more privately on email.

unadulterated lust

When I actually have a real job, I want this. Archit already has one and it is SO easy to use that even I can use it! That's how user-friendly it is!!!!

if it's not one thing . . .

Got to sleep last night more easily than other nights! But then I woke up at 3:45am because I had a really scary nightmare. From time to time, I will dream of people who are possessed by spirits--thankfully this time, it was as if I was watching it on TV, and I wasn't actually interacting with the people in my dream.

I managed to go back to sleep after awhile though, so that was good.

another little blessing!

Saw a couple of fireflies in the backyard!! I'm always excited to see fireflies. :)

Made an appointment to see the doctor (a real doctor, not a nurse practitioner) at the student health center because I'm really concerned about my sleeping problems. Ideally, I'll be able to go in for an overnight observation at the local sleep research center. I hope I don't have a sleep disorder but it would be nice to be able to rule it out for sure.

moving along, if slowly

Still struggling with difficulties sleeping, but that's not terribly unusual. Worrying, but not unusual.

HOWEVER, I am doing much better this week. Nothing like a crisis to bring friends out of the woodwork--maybe I need to go through crises more often! Haha, no thanks, just kidding. I really appreciate all the concern people have shown.

I don't think I have the energy right now to go into all the details but as one person said, I do know myself a lot better now and I won't let anyone tell me what I am or am not thinking. Nothing makes a person feel crazier than when someone else is telling you that you're thinking this or that's why you do that . . . and they're wrong about it. I want to be teachable and humble, but at some level, I think I do know what's going on in my head better than most other people.

Friend Jade pointed out that encountering surprising, left-field occurrences like this used to be a weekly affair in our lives. :) But now we're smarter and avoid people as much as possible, hahaha!! There are reasons why we "withdraw" from people and the most important being our sanity!

Turned in my draft on Tues morning but it was nowhere near what I was hoping it would look like; again, not surprising given my frame of mind. I'm still a little resentful that my work was affected. Trying to get refreshed now and will move on to other work I need to do before I can revise the draft that I just turned in.

mantra

Having flaws does not make me a horrible person.
I'm not a horrible person because I'm not perfect.
Having flaws does not make me a horrible person.
I'm not a horrible person because I'm not perfect.
Having flaws does not make me a horrible person.
I'm not a horrible person because I'm not perfect.
Having flaws does not make me a horrible person.
I'm not a horrible person because I'm not perfect.

feeling better

Could only sleep 4 hours last night despite using melatonin, managed to sleep about 40 minutes this afternoon. But still tired.

Had lunch and another long conversation with Prof R, and cleared up a few things that were making me crazy and that made me doubt who I am. Prof R really is a lovely person and I learned that I am able to confront someone when they mis-speak and hurt me without meaning to. More about that on Tues, maybe.

Ups to friends Cat and Naomiobi for their continuing support and friendship. It really helps to have friends who are peers--I seem to have a lot of friends who are older than I am!!

And Uncle Paul, you're right, I made it through. :):) How did you know????

Now, I'm just hoping my sleeping problems will go away soon. Decided to turn in my draft on Tues morning instead of Mon afternoon. It won't look anything like what I was hoping it would look like but right now this really is all I can manage. Going shopping on Wed for a power suit! Hah!

Also looking forward to tomorrow night's 4th of July fireworks, put on by Ithaca College. Going over to Mark's and Jan's place to watch the show from their balcony. There are also a ton of fireflies in the field behind their house so I'm very excited.

Small pleasures keep my spirits up. :)

in a bad shape

The night before last, I think I only fell asleep at 3am, dunno why. As a result, was very tired yesterday and could hardly write.

Last night was worse. I was up until 5am, and got up at 8am. I do know why I couldn't sleep but I'm not in the right frame of mind to say why (and esp not on a blog!). Suffice it to say that I called friend Naomiobi in the middle of the night and blubbered at her for a bit before I could even begin to explain the story. I felt better after that, but I still couldn't completely let go.

Woke up this morning and felt the same way, but I am taking steps to try and get over this. It's not easy, and I wish I didn't have this on my mind when I'm trying to finish this draft that's due on Monday.

distractions

I guess I forgot to mention that I've been working furiously on the dissertation chapter that's due this upcoming Monday. I've had ugly moments of being close to tears, and then moments of sheer joy--usually if I meet my page quota for the day--and in between the rolls and rises of dissertation writing, I'm learning to enjoy cooking. Miracle of miracles.

Hey, when I have to choose between making a meal and writing the next sentence, making the meal is way more fun!! Right now, I'm testing out my friend's bread-machine (the friend who sublet-ed her room to me) but unfortunately, because I didn't press the pan down into the machine, the thing sat there for a whole hour before I unplugged the machine and tried to figure out why nothing seemed to be happening. Now my oatmeal bread won't be done until 1am, at which point I hope to be very fast asleep.

smells of home

tried to make belacan fried rice last weekend at a malaysian couple's home last weekend (to celebrate their baby's full-moon, i.e. he was born exactly a month ago), and when we smelled the belacan cooking, we all felt like we were at home.

the smell of belacan = the smell of home.

p.s - the rice for the fried rice wasn't that great, and i forgot to account for the ground meat that we were adding to the rice, so i didn't have enough belacan or shallots in the paste.

mulberries

I've been getting annoyed about parking my car in the backyard. Of course, I love having off-street parking because my summer sublet is on one of the busy streets of Ithaca, and on a pretty steep hill, no less. BUT, after I got back from Maine, I had my car washed and the morning after, my car was covered in bird poop and dark purple berry splats.

However, once I got over my annoyance, I realized that the berry splats came from the mulberries dropping by the hundreds from the mulberry tree in our backyard! So my roommate and I went out with bowls and harvested a whole lot. She took these three pictures.

Unfortunately for me as I found out, mulberries give me the runs. Well, at least these ones did. So no more mulberries for me. It's a pity because they're apparently very good for immune systems. And we all know just how often I catch colds.

I also need a haircut desperately but I'm too cheap to spring for one just yet. I'll wait until either the Fall semester. Or, maybe when I get a job interview (haha, yeah right). I guess it doesn't matter too much since I'm trying to grow it out. Short hair is nice except for the fact that I have to get it cut every month.

(I've decided that I can't do much with my round face.)

more disgust

A Hindu woman has been incarcerated by the Islamic authorities in Malaysia because they claim her as Muslim. Saw this on Sivin's blog. Horrifying.

worth a try

Had a long conversation with R tonight. R is a professor at Cornell in policy analysis, and she's one of the profs who run the Christian women faculty/grad/staff reading group at Cornell that I've been going to for the past 3 years or so.

She confronted me about certain things I do and the way I behave, in a very gentle way, and some of it is still a little surprising (and thus a little difficult to accept) but I really am going to consider a few things that I did not realize about myself:

1. People do not need to be perfect for me to love them.

2. I am very quick to judge people and write them off, i. e. I decide that I don't trust them (because they're going to hurt me or they're out to take or demand things/time) or that they're not worth getting to know (because I'm just too tired and besides, they are so self-involved anyway).

3. I need to communicate with people when they hurt me or cross my boundaries instead of keeping it all in and letting resentment build. When I am hurt or resentful, I often ignore the people who I see as responsible and shut them out of any real intimate relationship.

4. When I do confront people about their hurtful actions, I need to do so gently and listen to what the other person has to say. And I need to tell them about how hurt I feel because if I don't, all they're going to see is the hard-ass, aggressive side of me.

5. I also need to affirm them and tell them that they matter to me.

6. I need to touch them gently--I told R that I can try to pat them a couple of times on the shoulder and that's it--and again, affirm that I do care for them and that I am interested in being in relationship with them.

Needless to say, all this is terrifying and overwhelming, so R said I can experiment with three practice people (and she's one of them) who will be "safe" to try this on first.

Well, I'm willing to give it a shot . . . I mean, I'm not exactly happy with the way my life is right now and I don't exactly have better ideas for how to fix it. :p

return of the elder brother

I'm really struggling not to be the elder brother right now. If you don't understand what that means, that's fine. It basically just means I don't really like who I am right now. :)

Maybe I'll explain myself in a later post.

facebook

Anwar Ibrahim is on facebook!!!!! I can't believe it.

Short posts

Maybe if I put up short posts from time to time, I'll be able to get more thoughts out. If I forced myself to sit down and write everything down, I'll never do it for being so overwhelmed.

Every time I go back to Bates, I'm a better person. I like who I am when I'm there. And this last trip back reminded me of who I used to be, or who I can be, or who I'd like to be--I haven't figured out which.

But here are a couple of things on my mind (maybe this won't be a short post after all!):

#1 : I don't care as much anymore. I don't want to know, I don't want to think, I don't want to feel, I don't want to do anything. I never used to be this way. I think I used to be engaged, incensed, informed, and active. Now, I just want a quiet life that seems to be made up of my dull, mundane, daily life, with some contact with a few people I just happen to care about. The world can be horrible (and it is), but as long as I don't know about it, that's okay.

This is worrying.

#2 : I'm forgetting what it means to care for people and how to be a good friend. Going back to B_tes reminded me that one of my strengths is listening. Listening is both a gift to myself, and to the person with whom I am in conversation. I learn a lot of cool stuff when I take the time to listen to people talk. If I don't make time to allow people to talk, I won't learn as much. And these days, I run away from people, I won't make time to listen, and really, I just don't care anymore.

This, too, is worrying.

How did I get to where I am?

funny story about zen gardens

Sand zen gardens are helpful for meditation and relaxation, and I've actually seen a couple of these miniature ones in offices. They're great to play with and look really cool on display.

This story isn't about a funny thing that happened to me while I was at B_tes, it's a funny story that I heard from Ron and Maggie when I was staying with them while I was at B_tes. Maggie is a professor in the Economics Dept, and she was one of the two profs who took a group of us to study in China for a semester (that's how I know her), and Ron is her husband who works in the computing dept at B_tes. They have a nice house very near the college campus and they have a beautiful backyard behind their house. But it takes a lot of work to keep this beautiful backyard looking nice: mowing, raking, picking up whatever that falls on the ground, etc.

Anyway, we were sitting in the living room, and someone starts a talking about the miniature sand Zen garden on their coffee table. Ron then tells this story about a conversation he had with Maggie about sand Zen gardens:

Ron says really wistfully, "You know, maybe we could turn our lawn into a giant Zen garden, so that we wouldn't have to weed or mow or rake leaves . . . " [see again beautiful picture at top of an elegant zen garden--I couldn't figure out how to insert it in the middle of the post]

And Maggie goes, "Are you CRAZY?!! We'd have every neighborhood cat in our backyard!!!"

It doesn't sound as funny here, but when Ron told the story, I cracked up and couldn't stop cackling for the life of me!! I was even giggling about it when I was driving back to Ithaca. It makes me laugh even now.

If you don't get it, you probably don't remember that cats LOVE sand, and that they especially LOVE to SHIT in sand. If they did turn their backyard into a sand zen garden, they could rake patterns in the sand around the little lumps of cat excrement. At least they wouldn't have to mow.

back from b_tes

Got back from Maine yesterday evening, and am tired out from traveling and TALKING, TALKING, TALKING the entire weekend!

Much news, and I'm really determined this time to write about what I've thought and felt for the past few days. I had a wonderful time.

So COLD

Temperatures dropped drastically over the last day or so. I broke out my hot water bottle today. Tomorrow should be better, but tonight . . . we're going back down into winter-like temps! Maybe summer will never truly be here this year.

random pictures

These are a few pictures of members of the Maxson family! I don't have a group picture of them, so here are random pictures of (from the top): Joel and Naomi; Nathan holding the Millers's cat; Kiny and Lloyd (the parents); and finally, Kirsty. The rest of the kids are Daniel, John, Joshua, Hannah, and Seth.

I'm going to see Pirates of the Caribbean 3 tonight with Kate and Jade! I also want to see Ocean's Thirteen when it comes out.

lessons I need to keep re-learning

I spent the week before I could move into my summer sublet staying at my friend Heather's home. I didn't know her husband, Chris, before that but we became friends after the week. We had a few good conversations, and we talked a lot about cars too because I was thinking of getting one.

Two things that struck me from our conversations:

1. A car is not an investment. Few people, if any, ever make money from owning a car. Buying a car is like digging a hole in the ground and then pouring your money into it.

2. People are more important than money. I have to remind myself of this one because I get so anxious about money.

I have to re-examine my relationship to money because even though I'm not the type of person who has to make tons and tons of money, I am the type of person who is certain that she will never make a ton of money during her lifetime. Consequently, I have to be frugal and careful with what I do have. This in and of itself is not bad, but at the same time, sometimes I can make life difficult for myself. I'm try not to make life difficult for others if I don't have money (which sometimes manifests itself as a fierce--and not always necessary--independence).

I don't know. I suppose I will always be negotiating this. I love my new (used) car, and I bought a more pricey one because I don't want to have to keep sending the car to the mechanic's. But at the same time, I think I will always feel a tinge of guilt for owning such a lovely car.

And I will continue to remind myself that blessings are meant to be shared, and I will give rides to others as often as I can. But the problem with giving rides usually isn't the financial cost, it's the time it takes to drive people here or there to run their errands!

But I'll deal with this when I need to. :)