Side effect of going on an FB fast

I blog more.

Feeling homesick today but I have no idea what I'm feeling homesick for....I don't usually feel this way.

Hebrews 11:13-16 (The Message)

^13-16Each one of these people of faith died not yet having in hand what was promised, but still believing. How did they do it? They saw it way off in the distance, waved their greeting, and accepted the fact that they were transients in this world. People who live this way make it plain that they are looking for their true home. If they were homesick for the old country, they could have gone back any time they wanted. But they were after a far better country than that—heaven country. You can see why God is so proud of them, and has a City waiting for them.

more about nightmares

My best friend from grad school said that she's been having nightmares about her work situation too--they were pretty funny dreams!--and that another one of her cohort is now thinking of going to law school. What other field prompts this many career jumps??? (Her partner is now thriving in medical school where she gets to play with surgical power tools.) Oy vey.

Yeap. Things are hard again.

Romans 5:1-8 (The Message)

By entering through faith into what God has always wanted to do for us—set us right with him, make us fit for him—we have it all together with God because of our Master Jesus. And that's not all: We throw open our doors to God and discover at the same moment that he has already thrown open his door to us. We find ourselves standing where we always hoped we might stand—out in the wide open spaces of God's grace and glory, standing tall and shouting our praise.

 ^3-5There's more to come: We continue to shout our praise even when we're hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we're never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary—we can't round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit!

 ^6-8Christ arrives right on time to make this happen. He didn't, and doesn't, wait for us to get ready. He presented himself for this sacrificial death when we were far too weak and rebellious to do anything to get ourselves ready. And even if we hadn't been so weak, we wouldn't have known what to do anyway. We can understand someone dying for a person worth dying for, and we can understand how someone good and noble could inspire us to selfless sacrifice. But God put his love on the line for us by offering his Son in sacrificial death while we were of no use whatever to him.

Time to meditate! Simple definition of meditation from an LA Times article today: "...the ability to detect the first signs of mind-wandering, to recognize and essentially forgive the impulse, and then gently to draw the mind back to the task at hand."

Happy Thanksgiving!

I no longer celebrate the holiday and I don't really miss it that much, although I do miss volunteering in LA! My church there is part of a multi-church Thanksgiving event for those in need and I volunteered the two Thanksgivings I was there. It was really fun even if I did not enjoy washing the feet of the homeless. I really have a lot of trouble with odors and I've taken to wearing perfume here because not everyone in HK wears deodorant and if I happen to sit next to them, I can at least try to mitigate the effects by subtly pushing my nose into my clothes.

Anyway, I started this post because of this article on the effects of being thankful. God knew what he was doing when he told us to give thanks in all things!

Oh, and ps, I woke up this morning from a nightmare about my job situation. Well, I'm not responsible for my unconscious!

Oh no

A few close friends who are in my line of work asked me last week if I am "okay," and if I'm "coping" with the uncertainties of this season of my life. My first response was, "Huh, what are you talking about? I'm having a lot of fun! I just found out that dodgeball season is over but it'll start up again in January!" And then I thought about why they said what they said, and last night, I had to fight off a panic attack.

My friends meant well when they offered me comfort, but it's also funny how they reminded me of all the different things I should be doing now, and also of how so much is already out of my hands. It's no fun thinking about these things and I've been coping with it all by keeping myself busy with fun and games! I'm out every night of the week again. Looking forward to Sunday because besides church in the morning, I have absolutely nothing planned.

Work is going very slowly as I wind up my lectures and I begin preparing finals for the students. I just want to sleep and watch TV, and not think about the research work I have to do now!!!!

dodgeball!

Team photos from the last league game of the season:

Lesson # 1.5

God will meet my needs....sooner or later. I miss the instant gratification of FB, but allowing one's self to feel lonely from time to time can actually teach us patience. Our needs and desires don't always have to be satisfied immediately.

of spiritual disciplines

Why am I on an FB fast again?? Why??? And why did I say I would go off of it for SIX WHOLE WEEKS???? I must have been out of my mind!!!! It is Day 5 of the fast and I'm feeling lonely and isolated. I need my social media!! What's wrong with social media????

This spiritual discipline is not fun at all, but as Nouwen might say, it does reveal my need and dependence on others' affirmation and company. Yes, we all need to belong to a community but leaving my FB community for awhile won't kill me. Still, I shouldn't have decided on a SIX-WEEK fast. Fasting is not my favorite spiritual discipline.

yay!

My students clapped at the end of the last lecture for one of my classes! Over the next two weeks, we don't have lectures because they have project presentations to give. I'm feeling good!

FB fast

Day Three of my six-week fast: I realize that I often think in terms of "status updates" now.

I can't share news stories through FB, so here's one on "vulture funds." This is the first time I've heard of the term and it really is unbelievable how the poor can be even more exploited than they already are.

Posting on the run, will come back to this later to elaborate:

"For artists, entrepreneurs, and any other driven creators, exercise is a powerful tool in the quest to help transform the persistent uncertainty, fear, and anxiety that accompany the quest to create from a source of suffering into something less toxic, then potentially even into fuel."

This blog post on leadership is falling in nicely with other thoughts that have been running through my mind this week, prompted by Ortberg's book (see earlier posts) which I just finished, and Earl Palmer's sermon on how the Ten Commandments are life-giving. The two Christian pastors have been very helpful in teaching me to see how spiritual disciplines bring freedom, not misery, and I'm slowly testing that out. So far, they are right. 

It's interesting to see the same principles at work on a secular blog on leadership too, and it was helpful to read this blogpost because my work is all ambiguity and very little certainty right now!

correlations

I'm not sure, but I think I'm starting to notice a trend. I often feel blue and go into paroxysms of self-doubt about my chosen career--and it's also true that all my friends who are in this profession go through the same paroxysms--but they are more acute when I'm less focused on Christ in my life. In other words, when I am more focused on loving God and loving the people around me, the agonies of wondering if I am in the right vocation become much less acute.

Well, but then again, I'd have to observe my reactions more before I come to a conclusion about this! I've been feeling really fatigued this week. On Monday, I literally slept two hours in the morning and two hours again in the afternoon, and worked in between those two long naps. Then I fell asleep at about 11.30pm that night. In spite of all the "wasted" time sleeping, my class yesterday went fairly well, and I feel good about the lecture that will start in about 20 minutes. I can't wait to get in class and spend time with my students!!

Maybe Ortberg is right, maybe we do need a better theology of sleep!

Hurry Sickness

I'm really enjoying the kindle app on my Galaxy Tab! It works way better than the ebook app. Kindle versions of books are now only a little cheaper than the print versions but since shipping to HK is about the same price of the book, I now buy some of my books via Kindle....so long as I don't need them for work because Amazon still hasn't put page numbers on their ebooks!!! Hello, we need to CITE!!!

I've finished Gilbert Bilezikian's "Beyond Sex Roles" and the anthology "How I Changed My Mind About Women in Leadership," and am now reading John Ortberg's "The Life You've Always Wanted." I loved Bilezikian's book for its organization and thoroughness and I found the anthology really helpful because it showed how there is a whole spectrum of positions and responses among those who call themselves egalitarian. Someone like Tony Campolo argues in no uncertain terms that gender inequality within the church is tantamount to sin, while others take a more conciliatory approach as they play pastoral roles in their congregations. Many of the male evangelical leaders also detail their long resistance to changing their minds about the position of women in the church too, and it was just wonderful to hear all of that.

Ortberg's book is a "spiritual disciplines for dummies"-type book, and I appreciate his approach. I have Richard Foster's book but I had to put it down after a couple of chapters because I felt too guilty after failing at meditation. We'll see how far I actually get with Ortberg's book, but so far I like how he quotes other spiritual giants such as Brother Lawrence on how we will always be beginners at prayer.....even Brother Lawrence never felt that he ever "mastered" prayer! This Saturday, I will be joining other folks from the women's ministry in my church on a day-long silent retreat before playing badminton in the evening. I'll bring along a list of exercises I can try!

This week, I'd like to pay attention to "Hurry Sickness." I fit the bill for all the symptoms, and I love that the cures to hurry sickness are pretty funny. One strategy is to choose the longest line in the grocery store, or if you're driving, then choose the slowest lane. I'm totally the kind of person who keeps track of the other line that I could've chosen to see if I've made the right choice, and when the other line moves faster than the line I ended up picking, I feel frustrated. But why? What does saving a couple of minutes add to my day??

More importantly, the choice to live in an unhurried manner recognizes and proclaims our dependence on God. As an act of faith, it declares that the Author of Time has given us enough time to do what He has called us to do. As an act of faith, it reminds us to love and depend on Him, and to love others. In my hurry, I often end up snapping at strangers here in crowded, bustling HK, and worse yet, I snap at family and friends, but to what purpose? My life is not happier nor am I more productive because I get someplace five minutes earlier. I'm going to consciously practice unhurriedness now. My relationships will probably improve, and I'm going to keep my fingers crossed that my work will be all the better for it too!

the weekend needs to start now.....

Yesterday, I gave a 2-hr lecture, and after that about 10 students held me back for 30 mins for more questions and discussions. That has never happened before and I don't think I have the energy to do that every week, but I love seeing students engage with difficult ideas. If I had to give myself a grade as a lecturer, yesterday's performance would be a B at best, but those few students turned that class into an A! I'm the lucky duck.

I'm also learning a few lessons on the badminton court. I don't have the energy to blog about that now and hopefully I won't forget them too soon!

intense

I had lunch with my homegroup leader today and it was immensely helpful. She helped me see how I was starting to get cross-eyed from chasing my tail as I tried to figure out a few issues in my head. Sometimes it does help to get an outsider's perspective on things and she had very useful suggestions for how I might approach the problem. She noticed that I'm perhaps relying on myself too much and that I need to relax and trust that God is in control. I didn't think I was relying on myself too much....after all, I think that I'm not doing enough! But I will try trusting God a little more just to see what happens. 

well-meaning

Do you have well-meaning friends who take the time and trouble to give you good advice but sometimes it feels misdirected? I'm thinking of a sweet old friend who recently suggested that I check out a popular Bible study group guide (BSF, for those of you in the church circles) and I'm thinking, "Are you for real?" Something like that would put me to sleep and make me impatient with Christianity.

It's like someone saying to a health-freak, "Hey, have you heard of granola bars? You should try them, they are a really health way to snack!" Sure, granola bars are probably better than potato chips or candy corn but fyi, granola bars, especially the commercial kinds, are terrible for you because they have a ton of corn syrup in them. So if you're trying to snack healthy, and you absolutely love granola bars, do yourself a favor and grab the kind made by an organic company and check the label to see how much sugar it has. Better yet, just eat a piece of fruit!! (I carry organic granola bars for hiking trips when fruit is too squishy or heavy to carry around.)

Okay, so maybe BSF isn't best compared to a granola bar and I'm sure courses like Alpha and BSF are great for some people but I prefer to read actual books. I get enough of talk in my work.

If you've never seen candy corn before, here's a picture. I liked them in college but the thought of eating a single candy corn gives me a headache. (My poison of choice is potato chips.)

hangovers

I don't drink and I don't party but my weekends are busy enough that I am barely functional when the week starts off. Gotta slow down.

confession

If I can't explain a concept to my HK undergrads, it means I don't understand it. Luckily, I don't have to explain Levinas to them.

so far to go

A few things I think I need to work on in this season of life:

1. Learn to speak out of conviction in humility, kindness, peace, patience, gentleness, and kindness.
2. Learn to be patient as others walk with God. If I can only grow as fast as grace allows, others do too!
3. Learn to wait on the Lord as he continues to speak to me about how to use my gifts, and where to use them. The answer may not come for awhile, and in the meantime, I am to be faithful in the context within which I've been placed.

And no, I'm not being hard on myself. I'm actually quite calm and peaceful about my life right now.

Soli deo gloria.

the tango

One step forward, two steps back....Had a great weekend of friendship, rest, play, and TV, and I felt like I was on a roll. Then Monday comes and I feel like a failure all over again. Grumble, grumble, moan.

My readings on women's role in the church over the last week or so, and the sermon I listened to this morning, have made me think again about the question of calling, gifts, and life direction. That is to say, I have no direction, I think I'm using my gifts, but I don't know what my calling is. I do enjoy teaching, especially when they are liberal arts college type classes, i.e. small, engaged, and intense, but I am currently struggling with the writing portion of my job. This is a bit of a concern since I do need to publish to keep an academic job. But a part of me also wonders if there are other things I'd like to do. I don't have any answers now and I'm not stressing out about it. I'm just going to let those thoughts percolate for awhile.

next week

This week was relatively quiet because I cut down on badminton and social sessions, but oops, next week looks busy again with dodgeball, badminton, lunch, a movie, church home group, etc. I think I'm going to need to have a quiet week after a busy week. I don't like it when there are too many people around me!!

poopy face

Recently, a friend said some things that really hurt me. That friend may not have meant to hurt me but sometimes I wonder why people are not more careful with their words. Surely everyone knows that certain topics or issues are hurtful so why turn those things into a joke? Friendship does not mean one can be rude or take liberties with another person's feelings. My way of dealing with this problem is to avoid the friendship for awhile until I can go back. I don't trust myself to say anything right now.

But I learned two lessons yesterday that are precious to me for the simple fact that they came in a quiet whisper. (No, I didn't hear an audible whisper, but these thoughts brought peace and calm with them.) Some lessons come with thunder and lightning, and these ones were gentle:

1. I realized that I felt like a boat being tossed about in the storm all over again. Then a little voice said: "But when Jesus walked on water, he did it in a storm."

2. Women let the world fix their worth too much. Popular culture shapes normative ideas of feminine beauty (shape, size, height, accoutrements, etc.), and consequently, they fix our value as women too because they tell us that we are valued based on how attractive we are to men. But those aren't biblical values at all, and it really irks me when Christian women friends reproduce those beliefs or assumptions in their friendships. Really, I don't need to hear it from you. Sigh. What does it mean to be a woman of God?

The leaderless resistance

We see evidence of the desire for redeemed social structures in protests such as Occupy Wall St, especially in their self-descriptions: "Occupy Wall Street is leaderless resistance movement with people of many colors, genders and political persuasions. The one thing we all have in common is that We Are The 99% that will no longer tolerate the greed and corruption of the 1%."

stages of life

I'm not sure what stage of life I'm going through now, but sometimes I feel like my head is going to explode. I'm not as productive as I'd like to be at work but I still feel like I'm learning a ton. So many different thoughts are running through my head these days, and some of it I manage to put down in my paper diary, and some of them I put here. But far too many slip away!

I've put Kenneth Bailey aside for awhile because his writing is quite dry, and now I'm reading Nouwen's "The Genesee Diary" before bed. Watching a spiritual giant struggle with discipline, focus, prayer, faith, and gentleness reminds me to be more patient with myself. Will also be ordering Walter Brueggemann's "Introduction to the Old Testament" and "Theology of the Old Testament" so that I can learn more about the Old Testament. Those won't come for awhile, but I'm not worried because I have 3-4 of Ken Bailey's books still sitting on my desk! I'm also thinking of getting NT Wright's 3-volume Christian Origins and the Question of God, but let's see how I feel tomorrow.

I bought the Kindle edition of Beyond Sex Roles and after the first chapter on the Genesis passages, I became an egalitarian. That said, I do think that the commonalities between egalitarians and complementarians are far stronger and more important than their differences. But the biblical interpretation in Bilezikian is so impressive. I wish I could pay such close attention to the texts with which I work!

The only thing I regret is having gotten the book on Kindle for Android. Even though I loved being able to start reading the book almost immediately, I really really wish the kindle app shows page numbers. There is no way to say, turn to page XX for an example of how the author changed the way I think of church leadership in and of itself! By changing the way we understand the nature and constitution of leadership within the church, the question of whether or not a woman can be a leader becomes moot. (And then, for good measure, he goes on to provide numerous biblical examples of women leaders in the home and in church anyway.)

I'm tempted to also get this other book with essays from evangelical leaders and pastors on how they became egalitarians because some of the reviewers were particularly impressed with Cornelius Plantinga's essay, but I can't decide if I want to get it via Kindle, or get the hard copy so I can loan it out.


This question of woman's place in the Bible has dogged me for awhile, and I've evaded answering the question for myself until now. I had a conversation about this with my CG leader and his wife when I was still in LA and they are complementarians, and after talking to them, I found out that they are not very different from egalitarians, really, and their position is similar to this book here. Complementarians also agree that women are equal in the eyes of God, they merely argue that men and women have different cultural roles to play.

I still need to think more about the idea that men and women have different roles because I think there are good lessons to be gleaned there, but I am also convinced that the exegetical and hermeneutical work found in the egalitarian position gets us closer to what God may have envisioned for his creation.

Part of me realizes that my hesitance to come down on one side or the other of the gender debate has something to do with how I'm afraid that my position will make the pool of single, available, Christian men even smaller than it already is. That may be the case, but I am now convinced that my response is an act of obedience and faith. Strangely enough, reading this book here on the complementarian position was what gave me the courage because it pointed out that God is the one who provides what we need, including our spouses, so I will stick to my convictions.

joy

I happen to have a very busy social schedule this week: Mon-gym, Tues-dodgeball, Wed-badminton, Thurs-badminton, Fri-badminton, Sat-badminton, Sun-massage+lunch, and then Mon, dinner at a friend's place. I usually don't play so much badminton but so far I am loving my week! I'm also looking forward to a quiet Sun night at home.

Wed's session wasn't as fun because the group doesn't have players who are consistent, and paradoxically, when that is the case, it becomes harder to play well and you end up moving more because you can't anticipate the rallies (how do you anticipate strange shots?). I loved last night's session because when you play with people who are good at the game, you do have to move a lot and think a lot and each game is always different, but every rally seems like part of a well-oiled machine.....as if everything is the way it should be.

One of my favorite routines now is the journey back from my favorite badminton clubs: first take the MTR to Causeway Bay, and then on my walk from the MTR station to the minibus station, buy a stick of boiled beef/fish-balls, and finally as I walk by the folks selling juice, get a cup of freshly squeezed carrot juice, with no sugar or milk or anything else. The wait for the minibus can sometimes be long esp on Sat nights, but I don't mind if I have my beefball stick and carrot juice!!

I can't explain just how happy this makes me. And I get to do this again tonight and tomorrow night!!!!!!!!

relief

The last week or so was tough emotionally because I had to give up something in my life. It wasn't a desire for something bad, in fact, it was all the more tougher because it was a desire for something good. But I'm pretty sure that God was saying no. I don't know if the no will change into a yes in the future, and I'm okay with not knowing.

Last night, the darkness started to lift, and I feel on the top of the world again this morning. All this goes to show that as difficult as things can be sometimes, eventually, life will get better. I just have to remember this the next time this happens again!

old habits

Hebrews 11:6

New International Version (NIV)

⁶ And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.

Hebrews 11:6

New Living Translation (NLT)

⁶ And it is impossible to please God without faith. Anyone who wants to come to him must believe that God exists and that he rewards those who sincerely seek him.

I have a bad habit of bracing myself for the worst, so that if the worst does happen, I'll be ready emotionally. I'm not sure anymore that it actually helps me emotionally because it seems like I still have a hard time anyway, except that I have to go through the pain twice. So now, I'm going to trust that whatever happens will be good. It may not always be easy but our God is a redeemer God.

This is an especially difficult lesson to put into practice when you're feeling like you have no control over your life even when you have so much to be thankful for. Yes, I'm conflicted.

stating the obvious

I've been a Christian for a very long time and I'm surprised it hasn't occurred to me before that when seen through Christ, everything changes. Now that I'm thinking of it, maybe I have thought about it before, or perhaps I've heard of a sermon illustration that uses a crystal or a prism to explain something about the nature of God. But this lesson resonates with me very deeply in this moment. When seen through Christ, everything changes.

When seen through Christ, everything changes.

It's amazing.

Sunday September 11, 2011
 
Guarding Our Souls
 
The great danger of the turmoil of the end-time in which we live is losing our souls.
 Losing our souls means losing touch with our center, our true call in life, our
 mission, our spiritual task.  Losing our soul means becoming so distracted by and
preoccupied with all that is happening around us that we end up fragmented, confused,
and erratic.  Jesus is very aware of that danger.  He says:  "Take care not to be
deceived, because many will come using my name and saying, 'I am the one' and 'The
time is near at hand'  Refuse to join them" (Luke 21:8).
 
In the midst of anxious times there are many false prophets, promising all sorts
 of "salvations."  It is important that we be faithful disciples of Jesus, never
 losing touch with our true spiritual selves.
 
- Henri J. M. Nouwen

back home, phew

Had a lovely time in the UK but was getting tired of living out of a suitcase by the end. My apt now looks like a bomb has hit it with my bags half unpacked, clean laundry strewn on the window seat, books and papers all over my table, and everything's just dusty!!! I'm in the office now getting a few things done but will leave soon to get groceries and then unpack and clean this afternoon.

I just love seeing old friends again, I really do. The conference went alright, and so did the archives. But the highlights of the trip were good conversations and good company.

I feel like I'm still in a fog as far as my work is concerned. I seem to have lost the ability and motivation to focus on my goals and head toward them. That said, I have picked up a number of skills along the way, and hopefully those skills are slowly becoming second-nature so I don't always have to slog quite so hard to get things done.

Now, if only the jet-lag would go away! I'd like to feel energetic enough to go back to the gym!

Traveling is inconvenient and I especially hate airports. But it does keep me humble! The world is so vast and its cultures really so diverse, who is to say that any one of us really understands the way the world works?