TV night

Dog sitting. Bella....

We were watching Russell Peters and Aziz Ansari. So smart and so funny! The comedians, I mean, not Bella. Or me. 

always learning

This week, and probably the next too, are very busy. Job talks and discussions with colleagues about our visitors, a major conference that mentor-SMS is organizing, our own conference next week, and deadlines that are going right by me.....too much.

Noticing that one of my senior colleagues tried to use me, and doing damage control but not knowing if damage control actually worked. I hope so, but with loose lips and crazy people, you never know. Seriously. Crazy people. Nothing you can do with crazy people, I tell you. And they're not only crazy, they're manipulative too.

This is not good for my soul.

But I'm also learning, with the support of C and Kaz, that faith means waiting on God to do immeasurably more than I can imagine.

It's a tough week, but I've had wonderful conversations with a lot of laughter. And I'm learning. I keep learning. That's good for my soul.

What a wonderful thought. I'm waiting to see what God will do, and how it will be "immeasurably more" than I can imagine.

Fear and anxiety are two demons in my life, but C and Kaz, they have the gift of faith. Before I knew I needed them, God brought these friends into my life.

Immeasurably more. What a thought.

better minds

Me: I want to quit.

Old Friend: You haven't reached retirement age yet.


Right......

another mentor???

I go from being left all to my lonesome self for almost all of my time here to acquiring THREE mentors in the last six months. This new one is very different from my first two. He's much louder and talks really fast, and engages in hyperbole almost all of the time. Can you tell that he's American?

I don't think he and Boss gets along, but that's just a suspicion......

Well, he's offered to read stuff, so let's see if he comes through. But glad for the verbal support so far, and he seems to give good advice.

showing up

More and more I'm convinced that half the battle at work is showing up and getting ready for God to do the work. When I say "half the battle," I do mean that showing up and waiting on God really is a battle, and that it does take quite a bit of time.

I'm still thinking this through, but sometimes, even if I don't know what to say or what to write, just sitting there and staring at notes or previous drafts may help. I think. Other times, going home and trying again another seems to help too.

Okay, I guess I really don't know how this works. But at this point, I think I need to try showing up more than going home, unless I'm in between chapters. Come on, God, let's do this! Together!

I believe I've gotten to the point where I can't tell a good sentence from a bad sentence.

Update: Mar calls some of them "evil sentences." You know, the ones that go on for far too long.

people skills

Went to group practice again last night, and Coach spent most of the night yelling at me for favoring my left leg. I didn't even know I was doing that and thought I was walking normally. He's really a pretty good coach. Again, he tried to get me to move a little more than I was willing to do, and he pointed out that I didn't seem to feel any pain, and I had to agree.

I think he was afraid that I would give up on badminton if I don't re-build my muscles and remained fearful of pain. He was right, the thought had crossed my mind, and he was right again, that thought left my mind when I watched others play.

Coach can be a little scary sometimes. In some ways, he may even know me better than my own mom.

what am i doing?

Me: I'm free-writing the ___ now, and I'm TERRIFIED. If I'm making the claim I think I'm making.....I mean, it's a pretty big claim!

Colleague: I think that's how it works. You kinda need to make a pretty big claim to get pubs interested, and to have people read it.

Me: Maybe you're right.


But, I'm still terrified. What would I do without friends, really?


A few days ago, I met with my new mentor who gave me feedback on The Proposal for what seems like the 110th revision.

He started by saying, "Well, this is ambitious...." and when he saw the look on my face, he followed that up with, "No, no, this is good, pubs love ambitious projects. And, if you're not waking up in the middle of the night because of this, then something's wrong. So, you're doing exactly the right thing."

I haven't really struggled much with insomnia recently, but since that conversation, I haven't been able to sleep well. Ambition in men is alright, but ambition in women? Much less kosher. Still, I just want to be able to complete this project. And if I could get help with that, making it less ambitious if necessary, and as long as everything goes through, I might be a lot less terrified.

Saturday

First, I get stuck in the elevator on campus and now my computer won't turn on. Well, at least I am not running from ISIS and it's relatively cool in my office. Summer heat is on!

Followed by rain....

getting close, but not quite

It's been six weeks and counting. I will be joining the group lesson tonight but will not move. I'll just hit from one spot. My coach is really sweet to invite me over and let me practice a little. He says won't let me do too much even if I want to. I've rested a lot in the past six weeks, but I'm constantly tired too. I've missed exercise, but my body hasn't been up for it either.

The knee gets a little better almost every day, but it's remarkable how LONG this is taking, and how it is still sore. I will never take my body for granted again.

So I'm praising God even if I don't feel like it. And when I do, strangely enough, sometimes I actually begin to feel like praising Him.

But God shouldn't go around thinking that I enjoy this season, because I don't. I'm watching so much TV my eyes are turning square. Still, it's useful because it does interrupt my meditations on the fragility of the human body.


But we pray, knowing that God is able.
And we trust, knowing that He is good.

Gift from student

I really should teach a first year course again. It's amazing to follow the progress of students you meet in their first years. But first, my department has to find someone else to teach the mandatory second-year course so I can switch over....

Season of small mercies

Sprained my knee on April 19, so it has been almost five weeks to the day. I walked uphill to work this morning with almost zero pain, but it does still feel awkward. Almost as if my knee is out of place. There's still some clicking when I walk. But I'm thankful that the pain has been reduced greatly over the weekend.

Not pleased about missing basically all of dragon boat season now. Even if I can start exercising again next week, I can't possibly race in June.

The last five weeks have been very hard. The only thing I can look forward to now is hoping that I'll be able to get back to court in the very near future. I'll see the Alternative Doctor again this Friday.

Things I've learned:

- when you have a traumatic injury to a joint that you use all the time, "rest" is not at all restful.

- fish soup.....fish soup is healing and I wish I had started drinking earlier than the 4th week of injury.

- strangers can be very kind and very considerate.

- but there are some who just don't give a shit and will walk very fast close to you, cane or no cane.

- taxi drivers and minibus drivers in HK need serious counseling. They should be made to pass a mental health exam before being allowed to drive.

- friends are great to have, but I'm learning that some friends aren't very good at being empathetic. In facts, some are just downright terrible at it. Sigh.

- I'm going to start with calcium supplements. And add more veggies and nuts to my diet.

- I love badminton.

Gift from a colleague who is retiring

Faculty fellowship

Last meeting for the academic year, and saying goodbye to Harry. Very sweet, kind, gentle and faithful. But he's perhaps a little too self-effacing when he's in the limelight.....when he forgets to be self-effacing, he tells great stories. 

Gift from colleague

Love language

Gift from a friend. I'm not sure I will use it because I might break it.

But it reminds me of the friendships that have developed over the last four years or so, and how these women have spurred me on toward love and good deeds.

chats

Had chats with some of the girls from my old home group yesterday, and this morning. My close friends here keep saying that I've changed a lot. I don't see it so much.....maybe a little. But they say it's very marked.

But you know, if I have changed, it is not only God's work, but God working through his church. He brought people very different from me into my life, and they accepted who I was. That gave me freedom to think about taking small steps. Without them, I probably wouldn't have.

Now I know just how important his church is.

The people God is bringing around me during this season--at work, friendships, and the church--are modeling kindness and gentleness by treating me kindly, and gently. But they also urge me and remind me to be kind and gentle with myself and others. You can't yell someone into kindness and gentleness. You can't demand that they become kinder and gentler. And you can't expect someone to become that. It's God's work, after all.

coincidences

So in the past year or two, my institution has started setting up mentoring relationships. I think this has been mostly Boss' initiative, but I could be wrong about that. Anyway. Boss was meant to find me a mentor last summer or even last spring, but he didn't get around to doing it until recently. I met with Mentor today, and it's really funny, but I felt like a bull in a china shop around him.

Boss is great and has taught me a lot because he's very productive and gets a ton done, but he's also calm and quiet, and very kind. During our earlier conversations, Boss asked me to suggest a few people who might be mentors, and based on my limited conversations with senior colleagues, I threw out a few names. Boss picked none of these people, and assigned a stranger to me, who, as it turns out, is even calmer and quieter than Boss is.

I suppose it stands to reason that I would've talked to more extroverted colleagues if I'm meeting people in hallways, and will more than likely missed getting to know the more introverted ones because us introverts prefer to escape unnoticed.

But I'm really glad, first, that I finally have an official mentor who seems sensible, has integrity, and seems eager to help. And second, I'm thankful I have a mentor who reminds me through his bearing, speech, and temperament that I may benefit from slowing down and speaking more carefully.

(My writing needs to be snappier, louder, and more forceful, but I could carry myself a little differently.)

on writing again

Writing is terrifying. You never know when you're going to get stuck, and maybe some people know how to get unstuck, but I can't always see a pattern to my getting unstuck.

I do often get unstuck when I read good writing. Sometimes, it's reading good academic books, but sometimes, it's reading good news articles or personal essays. I must make more time for personal essays. But mostly because I like them so much. Maybe I should design a class around that.

Insider goodies

My Korean colleague gave these to me. Apparently, they are new and limited edition. The yellow packaging is banana-flavored choco pie. I haven't tried the original flavor, but the banana-flavor is weird....

mishaps and aging

Slipped on a wet surface and sprained my knee last Tuesday night. Sent to the ER, or A and E, the next morning. Been focused on pain management since then. Back in the office for the first time as walking really, really hurts. To be precise, hobbling really hurts. Finally feeling hopeful today and hope to make it to the alternative doctor tomorrow for more help.

Do not slip on wet surfaces.

Sprains hurt like hell and they take forever and a day to get better.

Henri Nouwen

Timely, because work life is all about being judged:


When we are spiritually free, we do not have to worry about what to say or do in unexpected, difficult circumstances. When we are not concerned about what others think of us or what we will get for what we do, the right words and actions will emerge from the center of our beings because the Spirit of God, who makes us children of God and sets us free, will speak and act through us.

Jesus says: "When you are handed over, do not worry about how to speak or what to say; what you are to say will be given to you when the time comes, because it is not you who will be speaking; the Spirit of your Father will be speaking in you" (Matthew 10:19-20).

Let's keep trusting the Spirit of God living within us, so that we can live freely in a world that keeps handing us over to judges and evaluators.

Romans and Deep Water Bay Race

So full of extroverts

Damn

Lost two days of writing due to a computer glitch. Spent a whole day trying to recover changes with help of friends and technician. Gave up. Now revising what I've already revised. And have forgotten the new stuff I did write.

Why? Why??? Why.....

So painful. Makes me hate this process right now.

Gift from student

Pretty cool.

language

This season, I'm learning that I don't respond well to electronic correspondence that are typed in more aggressive tones than their authors probably mean them. For example:

"Why are you still so stressed?? You should be happier now!!! Stop being stressed!!!!"

That. Just. Doesn't. Work.

Now, if the author had written this:

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling anxious. I don't know what's causing you to feel that way, but I hope you can figure out how to relax a little more. It might help you be more productive too. Let me know if I can help in any way."

Yeah. I would certainly prefer seeing the second message to the first one.

And here's a different example of a stress-producing communicative:

"You know, you just don't have much time, and you really need to get them to do XXX because everything hangs in the balance. And what if something goes wrong? Then you really need to have YYY lined up."

This second example isn't so terrible, especially compared to the first example. But here's how I might rewrite that message:

"Oh hey, that's great news! There are still challenges ahead and you're not out of the woods yet, but this is certainly positive! The next step would be to emphasize that you need XXX. I would also consider plans such as YYY just in case something unexpected happens. The unexpected has happened a few too many times to be uncommon, really. That way, you would have all your bases covered. But good job, and full steam ahead!"

I mean, we all want the same results, right? In both examples, messages No. 2, i.e. the fantasy re-write, would motivate me in more positive ways. After both messages No. 1, I just had to check-out of the world for awhile just to re-center and get my bearings again.

On the one hand, Poster 1 is angry that I'm stressed. And Poster 2 thinks that I'm not stressed out enough. Crazy making, folks. Cra-a-a-a-z-i-e-e-e making.

And thankful for friends who do share their experiences with me in more positive language even if what they talk about isn't always so positive. And even more thankful for friends who help me translate some of the negativity into terms that aren't going to mess with my head.

A friend in the corporate world just told me that she has started a spreadsheet to keep track of who's being negative or cursing. LOL. I'm not sure I want to do that, but it makes for a funny story.

----

Update:

Poster of Example No. 1 above sent me a forward yesterday with the heading: "Practical for People with Problems!"

Are you effing kidding me? "Hey YOU! You're a person with problems!! Listen up!" How rude, and disrespectful, and demeaning.

Corporate Friend helped me with a positive rewrite because I was so offended I couldn't see a way out. Her rewrite is, "Practical tips for a happier life."

See? How do we live without our friends?

i love my people

My mentor's advice to me this week: "Don't do anything illegal. Or immoral."

Ten Years

Watching the film on the streets was uncomfortable because it was so crowded and I couldn't see the whole screen, but I came away feeling more plugged in to the community. I was really impressed with the community organizers.

The film itself didn't break any ground aesthetically, but the last three shorts were prescient. Glad I watched it, and glad I watched it on the streets.

The Document

I sent the document to a friend who read one of the earliest draft and she said that it's so much more lucid now and it's clear that I have put a great deal of work into it. She said I should be proud of what I have done. Steve D said it was "completely good" and the boss thinks it's in "good condition."

I hope others who don't care about me personally feel the same way too.

Horrible, horrible food poisoning at 5.30am. No dragon boat practice for me. I was so looking forward to meeting my new teammates.

Ding dong ding dong ding

I go from "I hate this!!" to "I love my life" and back to "This is the worst thing ever" within days. My life is totally nuts. Or am I totally nuts?

Lord, have mercy.