Away for the next four days

At this point, my life revolves around anxiety management. I'm convinced that I'm not ready this year, and I think it helps if I think of the next two days as preparation for next year.

Really struggling to remember that my life is not my own.

Will be back very late at night on Dec 30.

Went to Christmas Eve candlelight service, then to a couple of friends' house for dinner (R and J) because they wanted to keep their celebration "secular." Had Christmas lunch with the CICF'ers and it was very fun. Played Uno and found that if you play with the real rules (instead of made-up versions that resemble those of mahjong), Uno can actually be quite fun even if it does depend more on chance rather than strategy.

I'm looking forward to seeing J and K again.

Symbolic

I made a list. As an act of faith.

the truth

I'm not ready. I'm just not.

I had a phone conversation with Prof A last night, and it is always nice to talk to her--she's very forthright, much more forthright than I am. But she also does it with grace and generosity, and I have much to learn from her.

She had just had an emergency operation for a twisted colon. She said it's quite a rare and sudden condition. Well, it was nice to hear her voice anyway.

I'd really like to talk to Prof C, but it wouldn't be appropriate, I think. Resisting the temptation to call her takes all the strength I have. I feel like such a child.

pendulum

Okay. We're back to fighting nausea. Again.

getting my head straight

Phew, lots to do before I leave for Chicago on Wed!

Feeling better this morning for several reasons:

1. I need to stop thinking about what *I* want.

2. I need to be completely professional, especially with respect to a certain school in which I have too much personal investment. It really isn't healthy for me, and I've been paralyzed by fear and anxiety for far too long.

3. I realized that my extreme sleeplessness last night (I think I was awake until 5 am) was due to the 2 cups of very strong Indian tea I imbibed yesterday during lunch time. I will now only consume that tea in the morning, and in very controlled amounts. My insomnia is bad enough even when I don't consume any caffeine.

no, no . . .

The worst thing is getting what everyone else thinks is a good thing.

I don't know. I'm confused. I'm confused, and anxious, and sleepless.

Help.

the paradox of being z

The worst thing that could happen, is that I get precisely what I wish for. And yet, I am filled with anxiety.

And even though I know how to think my way through this, I am still so anxious!

sigh.

no passport yet

Yesterday was a nightmare of a day. Hours and hours of waiting around at the consulate for them to process my passport renewal request, then the chip in the new passport wasn't working, and finally, the "server hang" on the M'sia side so they couldn't issue me a new one. Do NOT get me started on how frustrating it was. I finally got them to agree to pay for shipping, so they'll mail my new passport to me.

I had to go down myself because:

1) The passport pictures had to be with a "blue background," and EVERY photo place here only has a white background. The consulate had a photo service which consisted of the front desk guy, Remy, and his digital camera. I must say that Remy worked non-stop the entire time I was there and he even gave me a piece of pecan pie when I was the last person still waiting at the consulate. He was very sweet and hard-working.

2) If I mailed the passport in, it would've taken 3 months for them to process the renewal.

I got to see my old college friend Y_k_ who's working there, and ate good food in Chinatown! My friends and I also stopped by W__dbury Commons Outlet on our way down and Ts_ts_ got a very nice suit at CK. I didn't get anything.

On the way back up, T read the directions wrong and we ended up driving in NJ for 2 hours. We only got back in at 1am and I was so tired. Felt really sick today. Hopefully I'll be able to work tomorrow. Sigh. I need to work.

snow storm

No trip to NYC today. We already have about 2 inches now (9:54am), and we'll prob end up with 8-10 inches, and it's worse south of us.

We are also getting a "nor'easter" this weekend, so even if we had been reckless and had driven down to NYC today, we would've been snowed in the city (which prob would've been fun) over the weekend. I heard on the radio earlier this morning that a few cars had already skidded and gone off the road.

I definitely need to go down on Monday to get my passport renewed because the consulate closes on the 20th for the holidays.

very thankful

Mom emailed to say that dad went into operation much earlier than scheduled, and it's all over now. Doc says that the operation was successful, but mom couldn't speak to dad because he was still asleep when she was there.

in love, kind of

I went to the library to pick up one book that I'm hoping will help me get started on my next chapter. I ended up leaving with 20 books from that section.

I have 6 other books on my current list of books-to-pick-up-from-the-stacks. Sigh. This is why I need at least another year here.

Thanksgiving Break

Thanksgiving always reminds me of genocide, but never mind.

Went up to Rochester for a couple of nights to visit a fellow Malaysian who is now working there. It was about a 2-hr drive, which is a very short drive by US standards. I'll probably go down to NYC at some point in Dec to renew my passport and visit with friends there.

My friend and I cooked and ate and watched DVD's all day and night . . . I still don't feel like working. And of course, I have a pile of work that never seems to diminish. The more work you do, the more work there is.

I don't want to work anymore.
I don't want a job.

Sad news

I just received news that a guy I knew in college was killed in an attempted robbery. Amadou had just defended his dissertation recently and would have received his PhD this Dec.

relief

I think I've figured out how my insurance policy works . . . feel better now. :)

completely unproductive

only fell asleep last night at about 3am. sigh. wasn't very productive during the day, felt like a complete failure (what's new?), and didn't have a good badminton session either. spent the rest of the night feeling like a complete failure in all areas of my life. woke up late, then spent the morning waiting for the car inspector from my insurance company to do his job. his quote for the repairs is $1090, out of which $250 i have to pay for.

that means my insurance company will pay $840 worth of repairs, so they wrote me a check. if i don't make the repairs, or if i repair it without reporting it to the insurance company (for less than $840 and i pocket the rest), that's legal, but if i hit the front of my car again, the insurance company won't pay for any more repairs.

some of my friends would tell me to either

(1) don't make the repairs and pocket the $840
(2) repair it for less and pocket the change

because cars depreciate and it's not worth doing body work. i'm just worried if i do hit a deer again and if there's actually damage to my lights or engine--then i'll be paying it all myself.

sigh. so my entire morning is gone, with no work done, and i have to bring in my car to the shop this afternoon. great. this weekend is also pretty much taken up with things that i can't avoid.

on the bright side, someone's baked a russian tea cake for our christian fellowship meeting tonight.

back on track?

Played badminton yesterday and would really like to be regular again. I was sore and achey all over after that but I was also happier than I thought I would be. I guess I'd forgotten how happy it makes me.

Also starting to read for the dissertation again. Reading on "forgiveness" in philosophy and political theory now. Hopefully the books I've picked up from the library will be helpful. I tend not to like social science books; I really do love literature more than anything else.

I don't actually want a job now. I need more time to think and write!! Friend J who is a prof just wrote me saying that she's actually missing grad student life, and feels that teaching is taking her away from thinking and writing. Sigh.

They're re-paving the road that leads from the dorm out to the main street--FINALLY! There are so many potholes I often feel like I'm driving through a kampung road. Construction in Ithaca never ceases because the change in temperatures especially during the winter causes the streets to expand and contract. But I'm really happy they're doing our street now.

touched

Yesterday, my pilates instructor walked over to me before class started and asked me if I was okay. She said I seemed very quiet the past two sessions and she was wondering how I was doing.

I literally did a double-take when she said that. First, I didn't realize she even paid attention to me, and second, I guess I've had a lot on my mind this week. Being used as a "punching bag" really upset me, and I also realized that there was a glaring typo in the writing samples I've mailed out.

I was just really surprised that someone I didn't even really know could tell something was wrong.

feeling better

The person who hurt me yesterday apologized today, and explained certain things. I feel better. Maybe I just need to learn to expect to be hurt like that and just suck it up.

Sigh.

$&%$(#*$&%^*

I'm angry. Scared. Hurt. Annoyed. Confused. Resentful.

I need to stop caring. I need to protect myself.

But there are these voices that go, "But Sz_ W__, this is what life's about . . . ." Well, you know what? Damn those voices. I just don't have time for this shit.

hmmm

Doc recommended that my dad get a bypass. My mom and dad are going to talk to more docs, and my dad's going to think more about it.

not too cute

I was driving a few House-members to the mall tonight so they could buy decorations for our formal dinner on Friday, and I hit a deer. Deers are considered pests in this area because there are so many of them and they like to run across roads at night. I saw one coming across the road and I slowed down but I couldn't stop because I didn't know if there was a car behind me. For a second, the deer looked like it was going to turn away, then it changed its mind and ran straight in front of my car.

Luckily, I was going slow enough that it wasn't a huge impact so all of us were fine. The deer wasn't so fine (it died), and my hood is now dented. I'll have to bring my car to the shop tomorrow to have my mechanic check it out. Sigh.

too cute

At lunch today, House-member L described her boyfriend, House-member P, as a cross between Wolverine and Mr Darcy--high praise, indeed.

hard weekend over!

We spent this weekend on admissions decisions for next year's House-members. And while it was long and tiring, it was ten times better than last year's processes!!

1. We don't hate each other.
2. I didn't even need a drink after last night's 14-hour session.
3. Most of us may have lost a favorite candidate or two, but in general, we all thought it was a good compromise on most of our parts. I learned from last year's admissions processes that the slate of final candidates is always at best a compromise. There's no way 25 people will like the same people we will be admitting into the house when we only have a few spots open.

My friends and I were passing notes back and forth during debate (we're not allowed to talk except when we have the floor officially) and I think I laughed a great deal. Last year, I was close to tears for portions of the meetings. This year, we left the room with mostly good feelings about the work we did, but of course, there are always problems with the process and The House will continue to have discussions about how to improve it. I'm so glad that's over!

I'm so tired I can't think.

hard week

Lots on my mind. Got an email from my uncle yesterday saying that my dad has kidney failure. Fwded it to my mom, and she quickly wrote back saying that the doctors are not sure yet, and they still have to do a lot of tests. Spoke to both of them this morning and my dad sounded fine so I feel a little better, I guess.

Woke up in the middle of the night with anxious thoughts about the job market. I know that most people don't get jobs their first year on the market, but we're encouraged to apply as widely as possible anyway. I'm still sending things out but the thought of being rejected so many times is difficult. My last deadline for applications is Feb 1. This is a very long and drawn out process.

I'm already too emotionally involved with the admissions process here at The House. Even if I don't get a job--and I probably won't get a job--I won't be living here at The House next year. It's too tiring, and I want to focus all my time on the job market next year. I feel like I'm already doing a lot but maybe I could be doing even more. Well, life will just work itself out.

even more adrenaline . . .

The season of interviews and admissions is upon us at The House. We will spend the whole of this coming Saturday and Sunday debating and deciding on the eight new people who will live in The House next year.

Whoop dee doo.

herbs and multi-vitamins

For the past 3-4 years I've been a part of a reading group for Christian women who are either faculty, grad students, or staff at Cornelll, AND this year, women who are friends with any of the previous category have also joined us. Anyway. It's a great group.

I brought it up because a nutrition prof is one of the group's founders and we had a random conversation about how herbal supplements are made of herbs grown in the worst of soils . . . yuck! The lobby groups for herbal supplements are very strong and there's no regulation in that industry.

What will I do without echinacea pills the next time I have a cold? Hai. Friend Naomiobi said once that she takes multivitamins--I guess the next time I go to the store to replenish my fish oil capsules I'll get some too. Oh, and flu shot season has opened! I should get mine soon.

thankful

Went in this morning for a session with my chiropractor but he couldn't really help me out, so I went back again at 5:30pm. I was walking with a limp all day, but after the 5:30pm session, the limp was gone! I actually walked two blocks before I realized I wasn't thinking about every step I was taking, and I wasn't thinking about every step I was taking because it didn't hurt to take those steps anymore!!!

I still can't really bend over and I feel like someone's threaded a wire from the top of my right shoulder to my lower right back, but it's FABULOUS to be able to walk without pain. My mind is more alert now and I don't feel so doggone tired either.

sore back

Played badminton today for the first time in I don't know how long, but I ended up hurting my back after 40 minutes of not very intense play. I was preparing to serve when I felt a slight twinge in my back so I stopped for half a minute, then went on to play that point and another point beyond that. Then I really had to stop. Even though the pain wasn't very intense, it did restrict my movements and I thought it wouldn't have been wise to ignore the pain.

Walking back to the dorm from the gym usually takes about 15-20 minutes but tonight, it took me almost an hour to walk back because I couldn't take large or quick steps. I was literally putting one foot in front of the other. It's now a little better after a very hot shower, but I think I will have to try to get an appointment with my chiropractor for tomorrow.

You see? This is what happens when you spend all day in front of the computer.

trouble sleeping tonight

Lots to do tomorrow before I send off my application. Prof B bailed me out by writing the third letter I need for my application.Thank God.

Hope I'll be able to get to sleep soon.

"People are always looking for a religion that bedazzles and entertains, in which there is no waiting and no emptiness. . . . God provides a large, beautiful and complex creation in which we can live to the glory of God. God provides a painfully achieved, deeply wrought redemption so that we can experience the love of God. "For freedom Christ has set us free!" Then, in a moment of boredom, we turn our backs on all of that and say to someone or other, "Make us gods." Entertain us; pamper us; amuse us. Give us some supernatural gewgaw that we can play with. We abandon the awesome silence of worship and fill the air with tiresome discussions of circumcision or uncircumcision. We get tired of the strenuous life of freedom and faith and regress to the old slave religion that reduces God to a decoration or an amulet or a scar. We buy some religious idea or practice that we think will eliminate the pain of being human, banish all moments of emptiness and waiting. A living faith is traded in on an infantile religion" (142-143).

Taken from Eugene Peterson's "Traveling Light: Modern Meditations on St Paul's Letter of Freedom."

no respect

I'm really struggling with anger with a couple of my profs who have not written their recommendation letters for me. Some of the application guidelines state specifically that rec letters have to be postmarked by a certain date. And I've sent them email after email asking them to write my letters for me, and two of them have not replied AT ALL. That is just ethically wrong.

Another friend (who is now a prof at Upenn) told me that these two profs went down to the city for the opera this weekend, and then they were going on to the Jersey coast for the rest of Fall Break. I'm sorry. Opera? Jersey coast? Versus possibly getting a job?? I mean, couldn't they have written my letters BEFORE they went on their break? I understand that profs need to be protective of their time, and I think they should be. But this is ridiculous. They have repeatedly been unavailable. I think I've sent them at least 4-5 emails about this.

I'm really, really angry because two of my deadlines have passed, and two others are coming up (Oct 9 and 10). I hope I don't have to look them in the face any time soon because I don't think I can hide the fact that I have absolutely no respect for them at all.