relief

I think I've figured out how my insurance policy works . . . feel better now. :)

completely unproductive

only fell asleep last night at about 3am. sigh. wasn't very productive during the day, felt like a complete failure (what's new?), and didn't have a good badminton session either. spent the rest of the night feeling like a complete failure in all areas of my life. woke up late, then spent the morning waiting for the car inspector from my insurance company to do his job. his quote for the repairs is $1090, out of which $250 i have to pay for.

that means my insurance company will pay $840 worth of repairs, so they wrote me a check. if i don't make the repairs, or if i repair it without reporting it to the insurance company (for less than $840 and i pocket the rest), that's legal, but if i hit the front of my car again, the insurance company won't pay for any more repairs.

some of my friends would tell me to either

(1) don't make the repairs and pocket the $840
(2) repair it for less and pocket the change

because cars depreciate and it's not worth doing body work. i'm just worried if i do hit a deer again and if there's actually damage to my lights or engine--then i'll be paying it all myself.

sigh. so my entire morning is gone, with no work done, and i have to bring in my car to the shop this afternoon. great. this weekend is also pretty much taken up with things that i can't avoid.

on the bright side, someone's baked a russian tea cake for our christian fellowship meeting tonight.

back on track?

Played badminton yesterday and would really like to be regular again. I was sore and achey all over after that but I was also happier than I thought I would be. I guess I'd forgotten how happy it makes me.

Also starting to read for the dissertation again. Reading on "forgiveness" in philosophy and political theory now. Hopefully the books I've picked up from the library will be helpful. I tend not to like social science books; I really do love literature more than anything else.

I don't actually want a job now. I need more time to think and write!! Friend J who is a prof just wrote me saying that she's actually missing grad student life, and feels that teaching is taking her away from thinking and writing. Sigh.

They're re-paving the road that leads from the dorm out to the main street--FINALLY! There are so many potholes I often feel like I'm driving through a kampung road. Construction in Ithaca never ceases because the change in temperatures especially during the winter causes the streets to expand and contract. But I'm really happy they're doing our street now.

touched

Yesterday, my pilates instructor walked over to me before class started and asked me if I was okay. She said I seemed very quiet the past two sessions and she was wondering how I was doing.

I literally did a double-take when she said that. First, I didn't realize she even paid attention to me, and second, I guess I've had a lot on my mind this week. Being used as a "punching bag" really upset me, and I also realized that there was a glaring typo in the writing samples I've mailed out.

I was just really surprised that someone I didn't even really know could tell something was wrong.

feeling better

The person who hurt me yesterday apologized today, and explained certain things. I feel better. Maybe I just need to learn to expect to be hurt like that and just suck it up.

Sigh.

$&%$(#*$&%^*

I'm angry. Scared. Hurt. Annoyed. Confused. Resentful.

I need to stop caring. I need to protect myself.

But there are these voices that go, "But Sz_ W__, this is what life's about . . . ." Well, you know what? Damn those voices. I just don't have time for this shit.

hmmm

Doc recommended that my dad get a bypass. My mom and dad are going to talk to more docs, and my dad's going to think more about it.

not too cute

I was driving a few House-members to the mall tonight so they could buy decorations for our formal dinner on Friday, and I hit a deer. Deers are considered pests in this area because there are so many of them and they like to run across roads at night. I saw one coming across the road and I slowed down but I couldn't stop because I didn't know if there was a car behind me. For a second, the deer looked like it was going to turn away, then it changed its mind and ran straight in front of my car.

Luckily, I was going slow enough that it wasn't a huge impact so all of us were fine. The deer wasn't so fine (it died), and my hood is now dented. I'll have to bring my car to the shop tomorrow to have my mechanic check it out. Sigh.

too cute

At lunch today, House-member L described her boyfriend, House-member P, as a cross between Wolverine and Mr Darcy--high praise, indeed.

hard weekend over!

We spent this weekend on admissions decisions for next year's House-members. And while it was long and tiring, it was ten times better than last year's processes!!

1. We don't hate each other.
2. I didn't even need a drink after last night's 14-hour session.
3. Most of us may have lost a favorite candidate or two, but in general, we all thought it was a good compromise on most of our parts. I learned from last year's admissions processes that the slate of final candidates is always at best a compromise. There's no way 25 people will like the same people we will be admitting into the house when we only have a few spots open.

My friends and I were passing notes back and forth during debate (we're not allowed to talk except when we have the floor officially) and I think I laughed a great deal. Last year, I was close to tears for portions of the meetings. This year, we left the room with mostly good feelings about the work we did, but of course, there are always problems with the process and The House will continue to have discussions about how to improve it. I'm so glad that's over!

I'm so tired I can't think.

hard week

Lots on my mind. Got an email from my uncle yesterday saying that my dad has kidney failure. Fwded it to my mom, and she quickly wrote back saying that the doctors are not sure yet, and they still have to do a lot of tests. Spoke to both of them this morning and my dad sounded fine so I feel a little better, I guess.

Woke up in the middle of the night with anxious thoughts about the job market. I know that most people don't get jobs their first year on the market, but we're encouraged to apply as widely as possible anyway. I'm still sending things out but the thought of being rejected so many times is difficult. My last deadline for applications is Feb 1. This is a very long and drawn out process.

I'm already too emotionally involved with the admissions process here at The House. Even if I don't get a job--and I probably won't get a job--I won't be living here at The House next year. It's too tiring, and I want to focus all my time on the job market next year. I feel like I'm already doing a lot but maybe I could be doing even more. Well, life will just work itself out.

even more adrenaline . . .

The season of interviews and admissions is upon us at The House. We will spend the whole of this coming Saturday and Sunday debating and deciding on the eight new people who will live in The House next year.

Whoop dee doo.

herbs and multi-vitamins

For the past 3-4 years I've been a part of a reading group for Christian women who are either faculty, grad students, or staff at Cornelll, AND this year, women who are friends with any of the previous category have also joined us. Anyway. It's a great group.

I brought it up because a nutrition prof is one of the group's founders and we had a random conversation about how herbal supplements are made of herbs grown in the worst of soils . . . yuck! The lobby groups for herbal supplements are very strong and there's no regulation in that industry.

What will I do without echinacea pills the next time I have a cold? Hai. Friend Naomiobi said once that she takes multivitamins--I guess the next time I go to the store to replenish my fish oil capsules I'll get some too. Oh, and flu shot season has opened! I should get mine soon.

thankful

Went in this morning for a session with my chiropractor but he couldn't really help me out, so I went back again at 5:30pm. I was walking with a limp all day, but after the 5:30pm session, the limp was gone! I actually walked two blocks before I realized I wasn't thinking about every step I was taking, and I wasn't thinking about every step I was taking because it didn't hurt to take those steps anymore!!!

I still can't really bend over and I feel like someone's threaded a wire from the top of my right shoulder to my lower right back, but it's FABULOUS to be able to walk without pain. My mind is more alert now and I don't feel so doggone tired either.

sore back

Played badminton today for the first time in I don't know how long, but I ended up hurting my back after 40 minutes of not very intense play. I was preparing to serve when I felt a slight twinge in my back so I stopped for half a minute, then went on to play that point and another point beyond that. Then I really had to stop. Even though the pain wasn't very intense, it did restrict my movements and I thought it wouldn't have been wise to ignore the pain.

Walking back to the dorm from the gym usually takes about 15-20 minutes but tonight, it took me almost an hour to walk back because I couldn't take large or quick steps. I was literally putting one foot in front of the other. It's now a little better after a very hot shower, but I think I will have to try to get an appointment with my chiropractor for tomorrow.

You see? This is what happens when you spend all day in front of the computer.

trouble sleeping tonight

Lots to do tomorrow before I send off my application. Prof B bailed me out by writing the third letter I need for my application.Thank God.

Hope I'll be able to get to sleep soon.

"People are always looking for a religion that bedazzles and entertains, in which there is no waiting and no emptiness. . . . God provides a large, beautiful and complex creation in which we can live to the glory of God. God provides a painfully achieved, deeply wrought redemption so that we can experience the love of God. "For freedom Christ has set us free!" Then, in a moment of boredom, we turn our backs on all of that and say to someone or other, "Make us gods." Entertain us; pamper us; amuse us. Give us some supernatural gewgaw that we can play with. We abandon the awesome silence of worship and fill the air with tiresome discussions of circumcision or uncircumcision. We get tired of the strenuous life of freedom and faith and regress to the old slave religion that reduces God to a decoration or an amulet or a scar. We buy some religious idea or practice that we think will eliminate the pain of being human, banish all moments of emptiness and waiting. A living faith is traded in on an infantile religion" (142-143).

Taken from Eugene Peterson's "Traveling Light: Modern Meditations on St Paul's Letter of Freedom."

no respect

I'm really struggling with anger with a couple of my profs who have not written their recommendation letters for me. Some of the application guidelines state specifically that rec letters have to be postmarked by a certain date. And I've sent them email after email asking them to write my letters for me, and two of them have not replied AT ALL. That is just ethically wrong.

Another friend (who is now a prof at Upenn) told me that these two profs went down to the city for the opera this weekend, and then they were going on to the Jersey coast for the rest of Fall Break. I'm sorry. Opera? Jersey coast? Versus possibly getting a job?? I mean, couldn't they have written my letters BEFORE they went on their break? I understand that profs need to be protective of their time, and I think they should be. But this is ridiculous. They have repeatedly been unavailable. I think I've sent them at least 4-5 emails about this.

I'm really, really angry because two of my deadlines have passed, and two others are coming up (Oct 9 and 10). I hope I don't have to look them in the face any time soon because I don't think I can hide the fact that I have absolutely no respect for them at all.

fatigue

Paraphrased the gist of part of an email exchange with a prof re a draft I'm working on:

Prof. B: It looks like you're on your way to a good writing sample. You should do . . . bla bla bla and bla . . . But what happens after pg. 22?

Me: Oh, I don't know. I'm still writing.

One of the smartest decisions I made early on in my graduate career was to put Prof B on my committee. She doesn't work on my area AT ALL but she has been the most responsive re my job market materials.

I've been so tired the past two days that I could only work in the afternoon and in the early evening. This morning especially the whole of my upper back felt bruised and battered and I was so stressed out about my upcoming deadline on Monday that I decided to go back to bed, sleep until Pilates then try to work after that. Pilates did in fact release all the tension in my upper back, and thankfully, I managed to churn out my quota for the day.

Truly, what I manage to do, I do not do by my strength alone.

back down low

Dissertation highs are like sugar highs--before you know it, you've fallen back down and you feel worse than you did before.

Blah.

I need to turn in whatever I've written of chap 2 tomorrow morning but I already have so many comments and suggestions for myself--and I've only read four of the pages I've written.

Sigh.

Oh yeah, weird story: I got a check in the mail for quite a large sum of money, but I don't know the guy who sent it and why he would send it!! There's a name and address on the back of the envelope so I googled the guy, got his email and contacted him asking why he sent me the check. I'm so forgetful these days, he could be paying me for something legitimate--but I have absolutely no recollection what I could have sold him. Really strange.

Friends J and B said I should totally cash the check first before the guy replies. :) After all, my name is on the check. I dunno though. This sounds absolutely fishy . . . except that this guy is a PhD student from the U of Hawaii . . . ?? The check came from Ohio University so it could be work-related . . . but I have nothing to do with Ohio University . . . This is such a mystery.

Feeling a little down in the dumps today. Sigh.

yay!!!

I'm finally DONE revising the job letter and dissertation abstract!!! When I met with N (my advisor) today, she used the word "amazing" at least three times. AMAZING. She also said, at least 3-4 times, "I really like this" and "This is really good."

Woohoo!!!!

I then told her that if I had to revise it one more time I would throw up. . . . I was joking-lah. :p I'm just in time too, because I have to submit an application on Oct 1. No weekend off for me! But then again, that's not unusual.

This whole week I've been mostly working on chap 2, out of which my 25-page writing sample will come. The more I write, the more I am convinced that this will be a 50-page chapter. I have about 20 pages currently, and I have to turn it in to my profs by this Friday so they can refer to it when they write me my recommendation letters.

Unfortunately, I have a deadline on Oct 8 that requires me to send in this as-yet-very-rough chapter. My argument is taking awhile to build up, but I really like what I'm trying to do!!

Of course, now that I'm still on a high from receiving compliments from my adviser, life is really fun!!! I don't even want to work on the writing sample even though I probably should. Nah!!! I'll just pick it up again tomorrow morning.

I don't want any stress to adulterate my happiness!!!!!!

blah

Wow. Don't think I'll make it to badminton until mid or end of November. Too much to do if I want to meet the deadlines. This is really taking over my life, and apparently, friend J reports from her position as a new prof that it only gets 10 times worse once you actually begin your job.

Thanks for your comments, Cat. :) You need to keep us updated about your projects--I'd love to hear about them!!

Aaagggh

Stress levels have risen a great deal. Many deadlines in Oct and the Nov deadlines aren't much of a comfort because they want me to send them more materials. Much to do. I'm even skipping badminton, that's how much work and stress I have right now. Will go back next week, I hope, this week is rough.

The job list came out yesterday

My stomach is roiling.

I wish I had read two years ago the books I'm reading now.

again, from Derrida's "Gift of Death"

“On what condition is responsibility possible? On the condition that the Good no longer be a transcendental objective, a relation between objective things, but the relation to the other, a response to the other; an experience of personal goodness and a movement of intention. That supposes, as we have seen, a double rupture: both with orgiastic mystery and with Platonism. On what condition does goodness exist beyond all calculation? On the condition that goodness forget itself, that the movement be a movement of the gift that renounces itself, hence a movement of infinite love. Only infinite love can renounce itself and, in order to become finite, become incarnated in order to love the other, to love the other as a finite other. This gift of infinite love comes from someone and is addressed to someone; responsibility demands irreplaceable singularity. Yet only death or rather the apprehension of death can give this irreplaceability, and it is only on the basis of it that one can speak of a responsible subject, as the soul as conscience of self, of myself, etc. . . . There is thus a structural disproportion or dissymmetry between the finite and responsible mortal on the one hand and the goodness of the infinite gift on the other hand. One can conceive of this disproportion without assigning to it a revealed cause or without tracing it back to the event of original sin, but it inevitably transforms the experience of responsibility into one of guilt: I have never been and never will be up to the level of this infinite goodness nor up to the immensity of the gift, the frameless immensity that must in general define (in-define) a gift as such. This guilt is originary, like original sin. Before any fault is determined, I am guilty inasmuch as I am responsible. What gives me my singularity, namely, death and finitude, is what makes me unequal to the infinite goodness of the gift that is also the first appeal to responsibility” (51).

from Derrida's "The Gift of Death"

“Something has not yet arrived, neither at Christianity nor by means of Christianity. What has not yet arrived at or happened to Christianity is Christianity. Christianity has not yet come to Christianity. What has not yet come about is the fulfillment, within history and in political history, and first and foremost in European politics, of the new responsibility announced by the mysterium tremendum. There has not yet been an authentically Christian politics because there remains this residue of the Platonic polis. Christian politics must break more definitively and more radically with Greco-Roman Platonic politics in order to finally fulfill the mysterium tremendum” (28).

“But Patocka not only refers to the political profile of Neoplatonism; he also makes oblique reference to something that is not a thing but that is probably the very site of the most decisive paradox, namely, the gift that is not a present, the gift of something that remains inaccessible, unpresentable, and as a consequence secret. The event of this gift would link the essence without essence of the gift to secrecy. For one might say that a gift that could be recognized as such in the light of day, a gift destined for recognition, would immediately annul itself. The gift is secret itself, if the secret itself can be told. Secrecy is the last word of the gift which is the last word of the secret” (30).

arrival of fall

Temps have dropped quite a bit so now everyone has to wear at least a sweater or a light jacket outside--just 2 days ago, we were all still in shorts and t-shirts or tank tops. And with the cool weather, I suspect we're going to see the first round of cold viruses as well. Mercy! Mercy!

I am also learning to expect Wednesdays to be physically difficult for me. I am either nauseated, have irritable bowels, or like today, I'd feel so tired I can hardly get anything done. I also learned last week from an undergrad that they call Wednesdays "Hump Days," i.e. after you get over this hump, the rest of the week will be fine.

Work is moving on slowly. Just met with my adviser about Draft 2, and she likes what I've done with it although I will probably need to revise it extensively one more time before going through it the last time for minor edits. Those unfamiliar with the writing process in academia might think this process is too long, but this is pretty much run of the mill and in fact, I'm glad to be getting off so lightly. The end is in sight for me. As we tell our students, there is no such thing as good writing, there is only good re-writing.

That said, I'm really glad because my adviser does feel like I've really hit on the questions that I'm passionate about, and she can see me turning the dissertation into a book project. Of course, at this point, I just want to write the dissertation.

But time is running out. I have one more week to do the readings I want to do (5-6 more books on forgiveness, justice, and the gift) and then I have to churn out the first draft of my writing sample. Within this next week, I also have to produce my teaching portfolio. I really, really should've done that over the summer. Aaagggh.

Isn't there a Cantonese saying that goes, "Yauh sihgaan seih, mouh sihgaan pehng . . . "?
(I have time to die, but I don't have time to get sick.)

Sigh. I suspect I am getting sick, but I will have to try to keep on working anyway.

not that effective

Used the lightbox this morning but it didn't help as I was very sleepy again by 9am, and had to take a 40 minute nap. Sigh.

Last night wasn't too bad but it wasn't great either. But today ended up being pretty good, I don't know why!! Played badminton, which I don't usually do on Saturdays but it was fun. Got some work done this afternoon and will work for another hour or so before I meet with some of my dorm friends for some wine.

I'm so confused

I think this is my best year at Cornell yet. I'm so happy to be doing what I'm doing right now. But I can't deny that it stresses me out and I'm usually exhausted even when I don't have much to show for that exhaustion. This is really frustrating. The mood swings are still pretty extreme; one day I'm bursting with energy and enthusiasm, and the next day, it's all I can do to contain my tears.

I'm driving myself nuts.

Finally had the results from my sleep study back, and nothing seems to be the trouble. The doctor thinks that I wake up because of anxiety and stress, and that I'm just hardwired to go to bed late and wake up late. By trying to wake up at 7am I'm fighting against my own circadian rhythms, so he suggested using a lightbox. I guess I will try using the lightbox. It's either that or be like my friend J--she goes to bed at 4am and wakes up at noon.

Because circadian rhythms might be genetic, I have to use a lightbox for the rest of my life I want to keep waking up early. That, or find a job that doesn't start till 10:30am at the earliest!! Well, I'm thankful that I don't have sleep apnea or RLS!!

weekend

Couldn't focus this weekend, so didn't do any work. Feel marginally better.

roller coaster

One day, I'm at the top of the mountain, and two days later, I'm back at the bottom. Is this what this next year is going to be like?? One day I feel hungry as a horse, and the next day, I can't eat without feeling nauseated. Will I wake up every morning wondering if I'm going to feel like I'm the worst student on campus, or am I going to feel happy because I'm doing what I've been called to do?

And it's so hard, because there are people around me who believe that what they're doing is fabulous, that they have something to say. And yeah yeah, some people will say, "Oh, well, you don't really know what they're feeling inside. They feel just as insecure as you do!"

B_ll.

There are people who think they are the most wonderful creatures in the world. There are people who think they are incredibly smart (some of them are, some of them aren't).

I don't care if they are what they think they are, I just wish I had their confidence--that comfort, that security, that assurance.

Aaaaagggh. (Okay, please don't respond to this post either. I just need to vent.)