two pictures from one of my favorite sites

looking up

Well, I met one of my deadlines today. Sort of. I'm ambivalent about it because, well, as with all writing, one can always keep revising. I know I can be impatient with myself but the reality is that I wasted a lot of time in the past few years, and now, I always feel like I have to catch up. But don't worry, I won't beat myself up about it. :)

It's been a hard week because of a slight spurt of teaching and work responsibilities but it's also been really interesting. I've learned a lot and I'm still happy about being here! Last weekend, I had a conversation with someone from Ithaca--older and wiser--about my struggles with anxiety, and it was freeing to hear her say, "Uhm, that sounds pretty normal, z." And then we talked about why my anxiety was normal and not a spiritual failure. I'm learning (and re-learning) that there's nothing wrong with being human, and that our spiritual walk is about being human. Being human is also part of who we are in Christ.

And, I'm also actually looking forward to having lunch with friends in Chinatown this Saturday!

PS - That same friend--a trained Christian therapist, actually--also recommended that I try a supplement called L-theanine, to help with the stress and I think it works. Well, that, and more spiritual discipline. :):):)

CNY

Monday will be the first day of the new year. I can't remember how I celebrated last year and I probably didn't, but it's still a little scary how I have absolutely no recollection of what happened. Or what didn't happen, as the case may be.

This year, I feel a bit odd as I don't have close Chinese friends here. I get along well with the other postdocs in my program and I'm really glad to be friends with them but it's too soon for me to think of them as "close friends." A couple of M'sian friends of a M'sian friend are in town but I don't really know them well enough to want to celebrate with them. I kinda feel like CNY should be celebrated with family or close friends. In any case, because of my grandfather's passing a few months ago, I don't think I'm supposed to celebrate this year anyway.

Well, a few of us from my postdoc group will be going to a restaurant in Chinatown to "celebrate," but only next weekend. To them, it will seem like I'm ceebrating and I don't mind pretending. But I don't really feel like celebrating this year although I will be glad for family and friends who will celebrate!

Rain

The winter around these parts has been warm and sunny, and the other postdocs joked about sending their friends pictures taken on the beach. In what seems to be the coldest winter in years, we've really had it nice. But I'm also very glad it started raining last night. Hmm, so why can't we have both sun and rain at the same time? That would be nice. The earth will get the water it needs, and we'll all still feel happy too.

Now I'm struggling a bit with insomnia again. I don't know why I go between such extremes. Well, it's forced me to think about my spiritual life and take a couple of steps to address a few issues, so I'm thankful for that.

Lucky are those who never have to worry about sleep.

heavy head

Last week, I slept about 12 hours a day for four or five days straight. I just could not wake up. I was really worried but luckily, I'm getting back to a more regular schedule this week. Fingers crossed for productivity.

uhm . . .

Two of my students here are older than I am--not uncommon in state schools--and when one of them thanked me today for meeting with him about the paper that's due next week, I kind of choked. He said, "Thank you, Dr."

retreat

Haven't been able to do much this past week besides teach. On Tues, I went up to UCSB to meet an old friend from college who was visiting UCSB, and an old friend from C_rnell who is now doing his MA there. It was lovely catching up with both friends as we walked on the beach. UCSB is right on the water, and the irony is that even after about 5 months here in LA, I have yet to go down to the beach in Santa Monica and I really must go soon.

I just realized that I must be coming down with a cold and that's why I've been feeling so drained and tired the past couple of days. Well, I hope that's the answer. It's also probably because I've had a rough few months and my body is really asking me to slow down. Spending time with old friends on Tuesday was truly marvelous. It's nice to be around friends you can just say things to without needing to "perform" any kind of smartness or wellness or wholeness. Sometimes, we just need to talk and be heard. (Advice is nice but not always necessary.) Hopefully I was that kind of friend for my friends too.

I'm trying out a recipe for egg tarts because I will be going to a friend's place for dinner tomorrow night. I might have over-cooked them a little. But they smell pretty good.

a measure of relief

Wow, I am so glad that I'm only teaching one class per quarter. Teaching a new class is a lot of work and I'm teaching a new class each in the Winter (now) and Spring quarters. I need to start working on the syllabus for the Spring quarter soon because I will be presenting at conferences in Boston and London the week before I begin teaching in the Spring quarter.

Regular faculty teach anywhere between two to three classes per semester/quarter and they have committee work, faculty meetings, and student advising. Even though I'd like to have job security, a part of me is happy that I'm a postdoc fellow this year.

Thanksgiving. Again.

The last few weeks have been stressful because I had to turn in the hard copy of a seminar paper to my postdoc group, finalize the syllabus for the class I'm teaching, and write an additional 10 pages to read out loud at my seminar presentation.

Yesterday, I had to teach in the morning and in the afternoon, present my additional 20 mins of new thoughts (it takes 2 minutes to read out one page), and was subsequently grilled for the rest of the 2-hour session. Now my body feels like it is coming out of a long illness.

But it was all so much fun.

I took as many notes as I could when people were talking and was mad when I realized this morning that I had left the USB with the file at home. My thoughts are all chaotic still and I want to go back to the questions and comments that were raised. If I can come up with roadmap for revisions, I think I will be working very steadily for the rest of my time here. Some people joked that when I present again next year, they want to see the new (improved) version of the project. A few of the other postdocs said they enjoyed the session too.

I still can't believe how happy I am to be here.

news clip on Israel/Hamas (must watch to the end)

2009!!

I am excited to see what will unfold this year. I'm surprised at myself because I am usually pessimistic. My new year's resolutions:

1. Learn to take risks.

2. Learn to have fun and enjoy whatever it is I'm doing, wherever I am. (I will probably break this one the next time someone makes me wait more than 10 minutes for them.)

3. Learn to be more openly affectionate. I'd hate to have my friends think that I don't appreciate them. This is going to be quite difficult for me actually.

New Year's Eve

I got back late last night from SF where I attended the annual conference in my field. Feeling very tired and hungover even though I didn't have any alcohol. The drive was long and complicated by events that I won't go into now. Actually, I don't think I'll talk about it in the future either!

Our journey was safe and there were a lot of good things about it but well, I'm still learning how to deal with feelings of annoyance and disappointment!!! It helps to keep reminding myself that people have different values and different conceptions of time but I can only repeat that to myself so many times before my blood starts to boil again. I was surprised when one of my (new-ish) friends in the car commented that I seemed very even-tempered and relaxed. However, as she wasn't the one who was annoying me, maybe she didn't notice that I was having a hard time keeping my cool.

Anyway, I was surprised that I had an amazing time at the conference. The two full days I was there, I was out and about for at least twelve hours each day running from one thing to the next! I spent a lot of time meeting up with old friends and acquaintances from grad school and thoroughly enjoyed myself listening to their stories and sharing some of my own. I'm learning that speaking up and telling my stories can do wonders not just for friendships, it also helps me in some indefinable way. I have much to learn about how much to say, when to pause, and when to ask the other person questions though.

The panel presentations that I listened to at the conference weren't as productive as the panels I attended last year, but I did enjoy them because I learned a few things I hadn't known or thought about before. And I realized just how far I have to go, and how young my work still is.

I also saw two of my teachers from graduate school--met up with one of them and had a brief conversation with another when I bumped into her on the street. I was very glad I had those conversations, however scattered and brief.

There's a new year's eve party tonight that promises to be really fun and I'm glad to be going. Hopefully I'll get to fit in a little more time of reflection before the party. I suppose I've already spent most of the morning in reflection but a little more time would be nice. I really should go back to work.

hope you had a great Christmas !

I meant to post about a church I visited recently but couldn't find the time. (Or, if I did post about it, I've forgotten.) Well, I was really excited to visit this church, CofR, because a friend of mine had visited it before and she was excited about the diversity of this church! LA is a big city with a lot of minority groups and when I was moving out here, my profs were really excited for me because well, I work on race and minority issues. But since getting here, a lot of the churches I've visited have been homogenous, i.e. mostly white or mostly black or mostly latino or mostly chinese, etc.

The Alt_er, which I've been going to does have people of color but it was still surprisingly homogenous. This doesn't make it a bad church, in fact, I quite like it and I've gotten really fond of my small group too. People are friendly and nice, and every now and then, because of its location, people from the street--clearly homeless--have come in for services. It is a church that opens its doors to people from all walks of life, even those who don't dress or smell right.

But the pastor at Alt_er still doesn't know my name even though he has walked by me or sat by me a few times. I think that's pretty shocking for a church that's about 100. I don't need the pastor to be my new best friend, but not to even say hello, how are you? Well, others in the church are friendly enough so you could say that the community as a church takes responsibility for welcoming strangers and newcomers, and that's a great philosophy to have.

Contrast that, however, with CofR. The one and only time I've been there, the pastor made it a point to talk to me TWICE, and he invited me to join his family for Christmas brunch when he heard I was going to be in town for the holidays. CofR is smaller (60 or so members) but they also have fewer resources available to them. Anyway, I did want to get that off my chest.

But really, I was posting because I just got back from brunch with Pastor K and family, plus a few other guests. It was delicious, simple, fun, and I got to hear more about how CofR is committed to being a church in a neighborhood that isn't at all what you would call wealthy, and where more often than not, there are very real racial tensions. The church doesn't have a website (how my friend found it is a long story) because they've been focused on being there for, and trying to meet the needs of, their local neighborhood.

So, even though I really want to commit to attending a "local" church, i.e. within a 10 min drive from my apt, I'm really thinking seriously of attending the CofR, which requires me to get on the freeway. I think I could learn a lot from this church.

This isn't to say that CofR is a perfect or even exemplary church, although obviously, I think it tries hard to model certain principles. And this isn't to say that Alt_er isn't worth going to or anything like that. There is much I respect about that church, and I will certain keep attending the small group until the end of the year, i.e. the summer. But I think it would be exciting to be at CofR.

I will say that all the churches I've visited in LA are committed to giving back to the community and providing services, resources, or friendships to people in need. This is especially true of the larger churches that have more resources at their disposal, and it has really heartened me. I'm not claiming that any of these churches are without weakness, but it does seem to me that they are doing their best to give.

Well, I had a good Christmas. It helped me pause from the madness of writing for awhile. I'll have to go back to work tomorrow. But it was really good to stop, and listen to the other kinds of stories that are floating around.

broke my heart

mixed-up

When I can actually focus my mind on work, I really do love it. But it's hard not to think of everything else that's so horrible about the field, especially now. Many schools have hiring freezes, which means people who are looking for jobs this year have far fewer positions to apply to in fields that have already been incredibly competitive. As friend N remarked the other day, higher education needs a bailout too. :)

The next two weeks of my life will be horribly stressful again if I am to make my deadlines. I will take the 25th off, and after that, I'll be going up to SF for a few days to meet up with old friends from graduate school who will be at the big annual conference for our field. I do want to see old friends but I can barely think of the trip as a true "vacation." Honestly, I can't wait for June, when the academic year ends--even though my work clock won't stop ticking then, I hope I'll be better able to leave the anxiety behind.

I still love my postdoc, but that doesn't stop me from recognizing that this is a brutal profession. I really don't know that I can recommend it to people who might consider starting a PhD program with the hopes of becoming a professor, at least not in the humanities.

happiness

I understand the difference between joy and happiness, and as much as I value joy and hope that I will always be filled with joy, I also appreciate a little happiness now and then. I really wish that other people could be infused with the same sense of well-being and peace. I have to start working in earnest after this post, so I know I won't feel quite the same way in a few minutes, but for now, I just want to rest in this moment when all worries and anxieties are held at bay, and when I'm happy to be where I am because I'm learning to be who God wants me to be.

My postdoc group had our second seminar (formal conversations about work) and after-seminar dinner (very informal hanging out!) yesterday, and I'm just so happy to be here. This group of people has been good for me so far and I'm a little sad we only get together about once a month, although I do see friends M1 and M2 from the group quite often. C_rn_ll friends J and K predicted that I would be happy here this year, and at that point, I didn't dare hope that I would be happy and I couldn't imagine that this is what "happy" feels like. But they were right and I am so glad they were right.

teasing and being teased

I read a NYT article today on the social practice of "teasing" and I realized that I only start to feel comfortable around new friends when they begin teasing me. I think it reminds me of my relatives and friends who teased me as I was growing up. Of course, teasing is different from humiliation--a form of social interaction that is unfortunately quite familiar to me as well. Even though I am for the most part well-socialized, cross-cultural forms of "teasing" can be difficult to negotiate or learn, and that must be partly why it has been difficult for me to build friendships with some Americans.

holiday

The week isn't over yet but I think I will be a little presumptuous and call this a very good week. I woke up this morning and I was so happy to be alive, and I felt nearly as good the past few days too. Amazing.

After work yesterday, I thought to myself "It's really nice to be done with the dissertation!" and I do believe that life after filing is much more enjoyable, except that for the past two months it didn't often feel that way. Nothing has really changed in my life: I still struggle to focus on my work, I'm still single, I still have the same number of friends here in LA, and I still mostly feel inadequate and shy in public situations.

But I feel like I'm on an emotional and spiritual "holiday." I hope it stays this way for awhile especially since I also woke up to the fact that I have a ton of work to do between now and June 2009.

Happy Thanksgiving

I spent this Thanksgiving volunteering at a celebration for the homeless and others who need a place to go, organized by a few churches in the area. Besides food, people could also come for haircuts or to see a doctor. It was a little chaotic, so for a very short while, I helped out at the podiatric medical station. I helped wash people's feet. That wasn't at all easy for me! Some of these feet looked like they hadn't been washed in ages. And I'm a bit OCD, so . . .

Thankfully, that didn't last long and I was shifted to the dining room where I was a "runner," i.e. someone who runs from the table to ask for more food (how many plates, etc.) or to get more juice/water/napkins, etc. That was a lot easier although some of our visitors were equally unwashed. I was very impressed when I saw families there volunteering together. Some of these parents/grandparents brought young kids there to help out in any little way, and I thought that was amazing and wonderful.

As I was leaving the auditorium after a few hours there, I bumped into an elderly couple and offered to drive them to the bus stop which turned out to be very far away. I don't know how they would've made it as the lady had a lot of trouble with her hips. It turns out that they just moved down from SF and are staying with friends until they find an apt. Well, I didn't ask too much more because I didn't want to pry. But these are hard times.

By the time I got home, I was too tired to go back out to a Thanksgiving dinner hosted by a couple from Alt_er. I didn't really feel like going anyway because I don't really know this couple (was invited by another friend from the same church). A bit too shy, although it would've been good for me to meet more ppl from the church.

thinking good thoughts:

This made my day.

life is fun

Today, I found out that I will have to learn to do very quickly what I already knew I would have to learn to do but I hadn't yet started learning to do what I need to do now. A fire has been lit under my butt and even though I know this is good for me, I just wish the stakes weren't quite so high. This is what happens when you think, "Oh, well, I have time . . . ."

Yes, this is work related. I knew that this year would be an exciting year but somehow, nevertheless, I always seem to be taken by surprise. Maybe I need to learn to work as if I don't have time and never will have the time . . . . then again, that sounds like a recipe for heart disease.

hahaha

"Dissertation titles are the butt of many jokes, but they aren't funny to the author. Some dissertations give the impression they were named by clinicians in white coats, determined to provide as technical a description of the contents as language will permit. Other dissertation titles soar into abstraction as if the goal were to conceal the manuscript's subject, and maybe even the discipline in which it was written" (84).

Yeap. I can relate.

courage that I need

"I warned earlier that revision is really at transformation out of one form of writing into another. That transformation might be thought of this way: the dissertation is the historical record of others' ideas, supplemented by your own important insights; the book is the narrative of thinking on the subject, but primarily it's your own thinking, even though it is supplemented by the historical record of others' ideas. If this generalization is valid, it means that a young author can't write a book without risking intellectual self-exposure. That risk, by the way, is one of the most important parts of being a writer, even a scholarly writer. And it isn't the risk of being found wrong, for scholars are always moving an idea along by fits and starts. It's the risk of finding you have nothing to say. Learning to take that risk, even to want to take that risk, is part of a scholar's development" (pg 67, William Germano, From Dissertation to Book).

"Writing is a risk, and a risk is exciting, and excitement is something you will fight to sustain in your professional life as you age and your students don't" (125).

I am one of the most risk-averse people I know.

withdrawal symptoms

Should've paid $5 extra for 2-day shipping so that my new baby would be delivered by Friday. Now I have to wait until Monday for it to come!!

This Friday, I also have a professional engagement that requires me to be voluble about my work. Don't want to go into that here. I'm so nervous, but I recognize that this is a good opportunity for me to learn to speak without having my brain shut down on me. The part where my brain shuts down isn't really within my control though.

Maybe I should find a job that doesn't require me to open my mouth.

need to post more often

When I was trying to fall asleep last night, I composed a blog post in my head. But forgot everything this morning. I need to post more often because my mind is like a sieve.

Anyway, my laptop crashed and refuses to start so yesterday I ordered a new laptop, one that I've been salivating over for the past few months, thanks to friends who have also been looking out for new laptops. Deciding to purchase the Asus eee was a lot less painful because of their painstaking research!

I really like this model because it is light, has a solid state drive, and still manages to retain an almost normal-sized keyboard (95%). And oh yeah, the price isn't bad either. I think there are other models out there for about the same price or cheaper but they use regular hard drives instead of the SSD.

This also means that I will have to make the shift over to Linux--I'm nervous--but since there are fewer viruses out there that are targeted at Linux, it should mean fewer crashes!! I'm tired of losing my files and settings.

The next time the humanities center here holds a "home computer clinic," I'll bring my old laptop in and have them reinstall Windows because it's a free service anyway. The computer they've set up for me in my office (the one I'm using to type this post!) is also Windows so if I really need Windows, I'll have access to it. I could get the clinic to install Windows on my new laptop as well but I think I'm ready to give Linux a try.

a little more activity

I took a "sick day" yesterday and just stayed home. Later this afternoon, I will be helping a couple from the small group pack as they need to move out of their house next week. Apparently, gang members have been hanging out in their backyard and the police told them not to approach the gang.

0_0

church-hunting

So, I guess I got stuck in the last church I tried out, i.e. I've been going to Alta_r (V_neyard affiliated) for the past few weeks now. I tried out one of their small groups (twice) and will be going to a small-group potluck tomorrow. I think I'll just stir-fry some asparagus in garlic and bring that. Don't feel up to anything that requires thought and preparation.

(Although, if someone wants to share their recipes with me, they'd be welcomed!)

That reminds me--I need to go grocery shopping tonight.

I don't know if I should stay with this church or keep looking. Finally, thankfully, heard their regular pastor preach this past Sunday. Prior to that, the youth pastor was speaking for a few weeks, and frankly, that drove me nuts. I think pastors employ a certain kind of rhetoric to reach out to "youth" and that's great but I don't really want to listen to it anymore. The regular pastor isn't bad.

But I must confess that it would be wonderful to find a congregation aimed at academics. I know, I know, you're rolling your eyes. But I hear so many different kinds of questions and positions in academia that I sometimes long for a pastor who would help provide some kind of perspective within that context. But I'm not saying that the pastor at Alta_r was irrelevant to me. In fact, he preached a pretty good sermon on discontent.

So I guess I'll stay on. The people in the small group are nice, especially J_n and his wife L_z, who host the group in their home. I suspect though, that I'm staying on because Alta_r's service begins at 6pm on Sundays (good for sleeping in and being lazy) and because I'm too lazy to find other churches and visit them.

life is going well (most of the time)

Briefly, life as a postdoc is going well besides the fact that I'm finding it hard to work. There are days when I am just over the moon about what being here this year will mean--attending interesting lectures, working with a really friendly and supportive postdoc group, having access to a great library (even if I do prefer Cornell's), and the possibility that I will be able to learn more as I read, write, and teach. And I will be doing all this in warm and sunny Southern California!! (Never mind the high rent and the fact that everything is always at least a 30 minute drive away.)

And then there are days when I am inexplicably depressed and can't seem to figure out why I'm so down. Some people think it's just the post-big-project funk, and one person told me yesterday that it usually takes most people about a year to recover from dissertation writing.

I need to get my act together quicker than that, but mostly, I just want to enjoy my time here!!!! Theoretically, I know that I'm in a very good place but I want to feel good about it too every day!!! Every single day. Every single day.

Oh, and I absolutely adore my new faculty mentor. I think I have a girl crush on her. (For a definition of what a girl crush is, read this New York Times article.)

risking repetition (excerpt from Nouwen's "The Prodigal Son")

At issue here is the question: "To whom do I belong? To God or to the world?" Many of my daily preoccupations suggest that I belong more to the world than to God. A little criticism makes me angry, and a little rejection makes me depressed. A little praise raises my spirits, and a little success excites me. It takes very little to raise me up or thrust me down. Often I am like a small boat on the ocean, completely at the mercy of its waves. All the time and energy I spend in keeping some kind of balance and preventing myself from being tipped over and drowning shows that my life is mostly a struggle for survival: not a holy struggle, but an anxious struggle resulting from the mistaken idea that it is the world that defines me.

As long as I keep running about asking: "Do you love me? Do you really love me?" I give all power to the voices of the world and put myself in bondage because the world is filled with "ifs." The world says: "Yes, i love you if you are good-looking, intelligent, and wealthy. I love you if you have a good education, a good job, and good connections. I love you if you produce much, sell much, and buy much. There are endless "ifs" hidden in the world's love. These "ifs" enslave me, since it is impossible to respond adequately to all of them. The world's love is and always will be conditional. As long as I keep looking for my true self in the world of conditional love, I will remain "hooked" to the world--trying, failing, and trying again. It is a world that fosters addictions because what it offers cannot satisfy the deepest craving of my heart.

(pg 42)

Finished the dissertation about two weeks ago. Other deadlines to meet this week--not as stressful but still feeling burned out so work is going slow.

More thoughts another time.