would you believe it?

Shit is hitting the fan at T-house, AGAIN. For all intents and purposes, I'm acting as house-president. This weekend is going to be a very long and hard one. Fingers crossed that we do the ethical thing, but that we will also conduct all processes in a way that minimizes any kind of mob-craziness. T-house is the kind of place that could combust if someone so much as sneezes (not really, but sometimes it feels that way, esp when I suddenly find myself in a position of authority).

What I really should do at the end of the semester is print a t-shirt with the words: "Everything I learned this year, I learned at T-house."

photos from puebla

I didn't have time/energy to be very touristy when I was at the American Comparative Literature Association (ACLA) annual meeting in Puebla, Mexico. Anyway, there are a few more photos, but not very many. I had a great time at my panels (very productive questions from the audience!!) and I had a lovely time just walking around town and EATING every 20 minutes or so.

I felt constantly full the few days I was there because I just had to try everything I saw. Great pastries, tamales, quesadillas, tacos, churros, and oh, the hot chocolate for dipping churros was so thick it resembled pudding! Not super-sweet like American hot chocolate but thick and chocolat-ey like you wouldn't believe!

Can't resist saying again that I was so very glad to have gone to the conference. The questions I got after I presented my paper were very helpful and I'm so much more interested in this chapter than I was before. Maybe I'm not crazy, and maybe I won't have to throw away what I've written so far, and maybe I don't need to start all over again!!!!!!! Maybe I'll even have fun writing this second chapter.

You don't know how relieved I am.

I also saw some old friends who had graduated and moved on to professorial positions at Yale, University of Pennsylvania, and Amherst College. A couple of them I hadn't seen for 4 years! Chi-Ming and Javier were in their last year of their PhD program when I was a first-year graduate student. It was lovely to see them again, they're all such amazing people. And so generous and wise with advice. :)

two pictures from maryland

Too lazy to upload more pictures! Anyway, here are my friends Dilkushi and Atsuko. Atsuko's finishing up her MA at Cornell, and Dilkushi has graduated with a PhD in Environmental Engineering and is in a post-doc in Maryland.

back from mexico

Got back at about 1am today, had a GREAT time in Mexico. The conference was very productive, and I got to meet up with people I hadn't seen in years. Very tired now, hope to write more at some point. I am so glad I went to the conference, but now I feel utterly discombobulated and need to find my work rhythm.

annual photo

This picture was taken in our cleaned-up living room. Usually there are books, blankets, and random crap strewn all over.

good thought

Thanks for the concern. :) I am feeling a bit better, and having folks commiserate is always helpful!

I was talking to someone last week about this, and he said something that stopped me short for awhile. He said, "Well, if you could be writing, you'd be doing it already."

If I could do something, I'd be doing it already? In other words, I'm not doing whatever it is I'm supposed to be doing (reading, writing, whatever) because I'm not ready to do that very thing.

This smacks suspiciously of grace to me, although my friend did not use that word. It reminds me most of Brother Lawrence's reminder that we can "only grow as fast as grace allows."

Whenever I struggle to do something, or when I'm procrastinating, my first impulse is to condemn myself for indiscipline and laziness. And hey, maybe it is laziness. I'm not absolutely convinced of the truth of my friend's comment.

But I'm willing to think it over.

a little better

The past few days were awful, and I don't know why. I had neither energy, focus, nor interest in anything. I took yesterday completely off, and just stayed in bed watching TV . . . again. :) I do that a lot these days. But usually I only watch TV after I've gotten in a good day's work!

But the past few days, I was so despondent and lethargic I couldn't even bring myself to go to the gym, and I'm usually a pretty disciplined person. It's funny, the world literally seemed like a dark and joyless place.

Finally went to the gym this afternoon and my spirits have lifted some. Truly, I cannot do this by myself. If I get through this part of my life (and whatever else that comes next), I know I'm not living by my strength alone.

(Even now I feel gloom returning a little, but at least I had a brief respite.)

health

i'm a bit of a hypochondriac, but i also often take good health for granted. i take it for granted that i will be able (and willing!) to go to the gym regularly, push myself on the badminton court, and eat anything i want whenever i want to without worrying about aches, pains, or discomfort.

the stomach bug this past weekend reminded me just how much i tolerate any kind of discomfort or inconvenience. i don't have a chronic/recurring disease (although i am completely anal about taking care of my back) and i generally live a pain-free life . . . some people aren't quite so blessed.

whenever something does go wrong, i go nuts trying to control it. but really, should i expect to have so much control over my life or body? i need to have responsible habits, yes, but those habits don't guarantee a pain/discomfort-free life and i need to accept that.

(basically, i'm writing this post because i don't know how to write the next paragraph in chap 2 of the dissertation. but also because i really do have to learn to accept the fact that i cannot control everything that goes on in my life.)

whacked out right now

got some kind of funny stomach bug over the weekend. feeling mostly better now. it didn't affect my appetite though. just ate as i pleased, and then used the bathroom whenever i needed to. one of my housemates is still really sick with a stomach bug (he got it before me), and another one has viral meningitis. someone once described living at t-ride as living in a petri dish. don't think that's too far off the mark.

fighting off panic attacks and trying to take one day at a time. trying to do one thing at a time, and trying to think about one thing at a time. relax . . . relax . . . relax . . .

looking in the mirror

Last weekend, after a phone conversation with an old friend, Karen (currently in Arkansas), I had to face up to the fact that I'm less logical than I'd like to believe. I don't mean to say that there aren't reasons that inform my thoughts and actions, but that those reasons follow the "logic" of the situation less than they do the logics of my heart. By that I mean that the values I hold important will motivate the decisions I make.

To me, my decisions are highly logical, but they are often logical only within the value-system that makes up my world-view and they may not always seem logical to someone else. But besides that, without consciously choosing to do so, I will make decisions that will cause the least emotional disturbance in my life. And to me, that is also very "logical" but someone who does not share the same fears or joys will not think me very "logical." :)

In other words, my emotions and intuition are often dominate my thought-processes rather than the "cold hard facts" (if it's every possible to see the world that way!) of what's happening "outside" of me.

This explains why my old college buddy, Cat, often had to stop me from time to time and give me "the look." She gives me "the look" whenever I'm doing something that makes perfect z-sense, but can often be strange or sometimes inappropriate to everyone else.

Thank God for friends like Cat and Karen who help me become more adept at navigating life!

9 more weeks of school

Got back from Dilkushi's last night, will put up some pictures soon. Am actually more tired from the long drive than I thought I would be. It was really wonderful spending time with Dilkushi and Atsuko though. :) I didn't want to come back here!

Spring Break comes to an end

This past week has been more or less miserable. I did very little work (great!), watched a lot of TVB on my laptop (that was fun, even if I feel incredibly guilty!) and basically took things easy because I came back from the Boston team tournament with a very bad cold.

Had a lot of fun in Boston watching (shivering under a blanket) and playing badminton, but it also made me wish badminton has been more of a part of my life. I just wish I could play better but learning to play well just takes so much discipline, work and time. That made me a little sad. And it made me wonder again why I'm even in a PhD program in the first place. Well, I'm always wondering that anyway, so nothing's new, I guess. And nothing's new about the fact that I don't have any answers yet!

I have one year left to go and I will finish the dissertation . . . I will! I'm so close!! But what do I want to do after that?? I don't know what I want out of life. I don't know what's important to me.

I miss home, I miss not having to think and constantly be on my guard when I'm at home. I'm a child again when I go home. But that's not exactly a "life goal." I'm getting more and more cynical about what I can do as a professor. I still enjoy teaching, but . . . I don't know.

I don't think I can work for an NGO because, well, I'm even more cynical about work like that! Journalism and publishing are out. I've always preferred to read rather than write. And right now, I'd just much rather not think. I'm running out of ambition and drive. And maybe that's why I'm feeling down . . . but I don't exactly want to keep going on ambition and drive. I'm tired. I'm tired of always having to be strong. I'm tired of always having to "do better" and to "go further." I'm tired of having to always prove myself.

People think I'm smart. I don't feel smart. People think I'm strong. I don't feel strong. People think I write well, and I've never felt like a good writer! Every good thing that I do, I do by accident! If I said or did something smart, it was an accident! A whim! Instinct at best! I've never consciously done something smart. It really drives me nuts because I feel like I'm expected to keep "succeeding" and I don't know how long this will last. And when I don't "succeed," then what happens?

This post is a moment of weakness, but these thoughts have been on my mind for a very long time now, and I guess I just wanted to share them with the few friends whom I know read this blog. :) Don't worry about me, I'll be okay. I just have to get this off my chest.

Oh, and don't ask me any questions either, I won't be able to answer them!

I'm leaving tomorrow afternoon to drive down to Maryland with Atsuko--we're visiting Dilkushi for the weekend! I'm hoping that being away from Cornell will give me some perspective. It's a 6-hr drive and we won't be back until late Sunday night, I hope.

house business

I just spent the entire night doing house business. From 8-11:30pm. Aaahhhh!!!

I guess it's "okay" because I was too tired to think about my work anyway. And I am finding out that I don't really mind administrative tasks. At least there is instant gratification!

(Unlike writing and revising parts of a dissertation.)

A Story of Homecoming

Excerpt from Henri Nouwen's "The Return of the Prodigal Son":

What happened to the son in the distant country? Aside from all the material and physical consequences, what were the inner consequences of the son's leaving home? The sequence of events is quite predictable. The farther I run away from the place where God dwells, the less I am able to hear the voice that calls me the Beloved, and the less I hear that voice, the more entangled I become in the manipulations and power games of the world.

It goes somewhat like this: I am not so sure anymore that I have a safe home, and I observe other people who seem to be better off than I. I wonder how I can get to where they are. I try hard to please, to achieve success, to be recognized. When I fail, I feel jealous or resentful of these others. When I succeed, I worry that others will be jealous or resentful of me. I become suspicious or defensive and increasingly afraid that I won't get what I so much desire or will lose what I already have.

Caught in this tangle of needs and wants, I no longer know my own motivations. I feel victimized by my surroundings and distrustful of what others are doing or saying. Always on my guard, I lose my inner freedom and start dividing the world into those who are for me and those who are against me. I wonder if anyone really cares. I start looking for validations of my distrust. And wherever I go, I see them, and I say: "No one can be trusted." And then I wonder whether anyone ever really loved me. The world around me becomes dark. My heart grows heavy. My body is filled with sorrows. My life loses meaning. I have become a lost soul (page 47).

. . . . The younger son's return takes place in the very moment that he claims his sonship, even though he has lost all dignity that belongs to it. In fact, it was the lost of everything that brought him to the bottom line of his identity. . . . This realization became the basis for his choice to live instead of die. Once he had come again in touch with the truth of his sonship, he could hear--although faintly--the voice calling him the Beloved, and feel--although distantly--the touch of blessing.

This awareness and confidence in his father's love, misty as it may have been, gave him the strength to claim for his sonship, even though that claim could not be based on any merit (page 49).

feeling a bit better

Last night I was hit by a wave of homesickness, it was horrible. Took half the night off to IM with a couple of friends, and then watched an episode of an old Hong Kong TV series (Cold Blood Warm Heart) that I didn't get to watch in its entirety when it came out. This morning I had to quickly review 4 pages of Cantonese characters that I forgot were included in my Cantonese exam this morning. Didn't have too much time to memorize it because I also had to rush to my chiropractor's right before the exam.

Anyway, I know I got 4 characters wrong because there were all from the pages I forgot I had to memorize. Oh well. Whatever, I'm doing this for fun so I'm not going to stress out about it.

I'm feeling a little better now, and will be working on Draft 2 of that chapter I finished a couple of weeks back. The portion from the chapter that I sent in to the journal last week should be good to go, but there's a whole other 20 pages that need serious revising.

All in all, this is as good a start to the week as I can hope for!

The wind is blowing like CRAZY, and it's cold all over again. Tonight and tomorrow are going to be very cold days. Sigh. And I was hoping that winter would be over.

done with one thing

blessings: turning in my paper one day before the deadline.

blessings: Jade's and Kate's friendship, generosity, and wisdom.

not blessings: feeling so horrible I feel like throwing up.

(And no, it's not a health issue; more of a state of heart/mind)

another weekend

Okay, maybe I was exaggerating a little in the last post . . . I have a pretty sweet life.

But I'm also exhausted.

hmm . . .

I use the phrase "SO much fun" a lot in this blog.

And I don't know if it's because the fun things I get to do really are that much fun, or if the rest of my life is so miserable that the regular, pleasurable parts of "normal" people's lives are events that send me into throes of ecstasy precisely because they are so infrequent and unusual.

I prefer to think it's the former.
I need to think it's the former.

oops, forgot this story

This conversation took place as H-nok and I left Libe Slope to walk back to our dorm:

Me: Traying was SO much fun! This is what Ithaca is good for! And we should do it before we're too old to do this kind of thing anymore, you know.

H: Uhm, no, we're already too old for this.

Me: That's okay, no one can tell. We're too bundled up.

see-saw

I feel like I live on a see-saw.

I feel like quitting! Writing a dissertation is too difficult. Every time I have to start over again, it's just as difficult as it was the last time. Maybe it's more difficult because my body and mind just wants to stay relaxed.

good day!

We got about 2 feet of snow in one day! That is what a Northeastern winter should look like!! Snow by the foot, not by the inch!

Afternoon classes were canceled because it was too dangerous for staff/faculty to drive in. After dinner, a bunch of us from our dorm grabbed trays and went up to the Library Slope (pretty steep!) to slide down the hill. H-nok and I stayed on the least steep student-made "slide" (basically the part where the ice is all packed down from everyone traying on it) while the others went on the steeper sections of the hill. It was very, very fun!!!

After that, we spent some time digging H-nok's car out of the snow. That was not so much fun, but still.

Also met with friends Jade and Susan in the afternoon, and they gave me feedback on the first draft. It was REALLY helpful, and I think I have a sense of how I want to work on the revisions now. Yay!

more procrastination in light of my MAJOR march 1 deadline

this is what I see when I look at my laptop screen . . .

best pork chops EVER

Our new weekend cook subbed for lunch today, and he made the BEST pork chops I've had during my entire 9 years in the US. No kidding. EVER!!

I have to work extra hard at tonight's badminton practice to work off all that pork I inhaled.

winter

Btw, the weather on the right doesn't take into account wind chill!!!

It's crazy cold over here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

cool site

hey, great site for uploading/downloading/sending LARGE files!!!

http://www.sendspace.com/invite/etoemw

turned it in!

Good news: yesterday, I turned in the first (very rough) draft of the first chapter of my dissertation!

Bad news: I'm kinda feeling down in the dumps right now, and I don't know why. It has NOTHING to do with having finished the first draft because I have a ton of other work I can do for the dissertation.

. . . and it has nothing to do with monthly cycles either . . . there's absolutely nothing wrong in my life that I can think of. :) Ah well.

Okay, I should explain the elections and what was on my mind last week (besides badminton). Part of the terms of our scholarship at the dorm, T-ride, is that we work on committees to run the house. The Advisory Commitee (Adcom) is made up of 3 members elected by the House, and they assign everyone else to committees (such as House and Grounds, Employee Coordination, Outreach, Academic Affairs, Social Events, Computing, etc.).

Basically, in the past AdCom has wielded a lot of power because they aslo mediate at times of crisis and conflict. This semester, a few of us got together and drafted a legislation that would create a separate committee that would take over all kinds of mediation, and who will be the people we call on if there are cases of sexual or other kinds of harassment.

Okay, explaining everything is going to take too long. I'll just aim for semi-comprehension from here on.

Basically, I got elected to AdCom, and K-gan was made First Ad i.e. House President. This is a pretty big deal (and I won't go into why exactly that's the case), especially since K-gan and I are part of the same--rather large--faction in the house. :)

At this point, I can't even remember why I wanted to blog about this in the first place. There was a reason, but I can't remember now.

A few days into the job, and I'm already learning a TON about being a leader of sorts in a small community of VERY smart, VERY accomplished, and VERY ambitious group of people. I have a feeling that I'm going to have an interesting semester.

random question

So . . . I can't really figure this out, and I don't think anyone can give me a hard and fast answer either, but I'm going to ask it anyway just to see how people respond. :) :)

You see, I have many friends who don't share my faith, and a good number of them are guys because I believe that men and women can have platonic relationships and if I weren't "allowed" to have guy friends, my life would be infinitely poorer. But of course, maintaining a platonic r/ship sometimes takes work . . . but so do my friendships with girls! All r/ships take work, basically.

I'm being long-winded only because I am anticipating in my mind some of the responses of the people I know (if they are indeed reading this blog!). Anyway. :):)

My question is, how do I react to male friends who fwd risque jokes to me? I don't want to make the generalization that men tend to gravitate toward more vulgar humor, but well . . . my women friends don't do that!!

I guess I'm not offended when I receive those emails, but it does make me want to keep more of a distance. :) And usually I just don't respond to the emails. But then again, most ppl don't respond to fwded jokes even when they enjoy them, so . . .

p.s - I really want to get a post out on the dorm elections and everything, but I'm afraid it'll take too much time. For the record, I'm writing page 26 now of that first chapter!! I want to finish it by tomorrow, and hopefully, I'll have about 28 pages (not inclusive of bibliography and endnotes).

back from CT

The CT Open was so much fun!! In the mixed doubles, Alan and I won the first round easily, but came up against the eventual champions in the second round, haha. We still had a lot of fun playing Andy (whom we are friends with because we brought him up to Cornell for a coaching clinic last year) and his partner (a squash coach at Mt Holyoke). Scores were 21-9, 21-11, which I think were decent given that Andy was/is a pro player and Silvi was a pro in squash.

In the doubles, we got second in the consolation rounds (we were knocked right out of the main draw). Maybe if we had practiced together we'd have won. But we did fine and I definitely had a lot of fun.

I know though that because I'm not used to playing in tournaments, I still get horribly jittery and nervous and usually don't know what exactly I'm doing on court.

My head now really hurts, and I can't decide if I'm fatigued from the 6-hr drive last night, or from learning so much by watching/playing at the tournament. Playing competitive sports makes your brain work differently. :) I have a great deal of respect for players who take their games seriously.

No snow/ice/rain on the drives back and forth, so it was a pretty uneventful, if long, journey.

Much work to do now, sigh. I feel like my mind isn't working.

Also, more to report on re elections for leadership in the dorm. (I got voted in for one of the main leadership committees, but there's a story for that. It does mean more work.)

snow outside the window

this post isn't really about snow, but I just happened to glance out the window, and it's snowing pretty heavily! Doesn't look like it'll stick though. Looks more like lake-effect snow than the real deal.

Well, I'm driving down to Connecticut tomorrow evening for some badminton matches on Saturday. The Connecticut Open is Sat-Sun, but I suspect all of us will lose by Saturday evening. :):) It'll be nice to drive back early Sunday morning though, because we have elections in my dorm on Sun afternoon and I can't vote if I'm not present at the meeting.

I'm playing mixed-doubles with one of our freshman guys whom I'm not really used to playing with so even though he's a strong singles player, I don't expect much from our combination. Then I'm playing women's doubles with someone from New York City. I've seen her play before, but we've never played as partners! Plus, I'm still trying to get over this stinking cold!!!

Well, my partners are pretty relaxed, so we'll just try to have fun at the tournament this weekend. I'm pretty excited!

Oh, and I'm also excited that I've actually managed to get a goodly amount of writing done this past week so I won't feel at all guilty this weekend when I'm playing and hanging out with other badminton nutters!

more drugs

Despite drowning myself in chicken soup, throwing back echinacea and vitamin C pills, the inevitable cold became, well, inevitable. Fortunately, a friend recommended Zicam, and it's a MIRACLE drug!!

Yesterday, my nose started getting a teeny bit congested, and my throat had the faint beginnings of scratchiness so I started using the nasal gel, and usually by today I'm prostrate in bed coughing my lungs out. But now, I think I may actually get back to work on my dissertation!

I'm still taking it easy and skipping badminton/work-out sessions, but the fact that I can actually walk around or sit at my desk . . . it's a MIRACLE! I'm really psyched about this because I have to go down to Connecticut this weekend for a badminton tournament, and if I spend the entire week sniffling, coughing, and sleeping, I'd be no better than a rubber doll on court. And my doubles and mixed-doubles partners will kill me.

I should warn you though, that some people have experienced adverse reactions to Zicam and have lost their sense of smell, but I suspect it's because they didn't use the product carefully enough. So if you're planning on trying out Zicam (and you should!), read the instructions VERY VERY CAREFULLY.