Friday, February 29, 2008

why I get headaches

Published: February 26, 2008, New York Times.

The next time you’re juggling options — which friend to see, which house to buy, which career to pursue — try asking yourself this question: What would Xiang Yu do?

Xiang Yu was a Chinese general in the third century B.C. who took his troops across the Yangtze River into enemy territory and performed an experiment in decision making. He crushed his troops’ cooking pots and burned their ships.

He explained this was to focus them on moving forward — a motivational speech that was not appreciated by many of the soldiers watching their retreat option go up in flames. But General Xiang Yu would be vindicated, both on the battlefield and in the annals of social science research.

He is one of the role models in Dan Ariely’s new book, “Predictably Irrational,” an entertaining look at human foibles like the penchant for keeping too many options open. General Xiang Yu was a rare exception to the norm, a warrior who conquered by being unpredictably rational.

Most people can’t make such a painful choice, not even the students at a bastion of rationality like the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, where Dr. Ariely is a professor of behavioral economics. In a series of experiments, hundreds of students could not bear to let their options vanish, even though it was obviously a dumb strategy (and they weren’t even asked to burn anything).

The experiments involved a game that eliminated the excuses we usually have for refusing to let go. In the real world, we can always tell ourselves that it’s good to keep options open.

You don’t even know how a camera’s burst-mode flash works, but you persuade yourself to pay for the extra feature just in case. You no longer have anything in common with someone who keeps calling you, but you hate to just zap the relationship.

Your child is exhausted from after-school soccer, ballet and Chinese lessons, but you won’t let her drop the piano lessons. They could come in handy! And who knows? Maybe they will.

In the M.I.T. experiments, the students should have known better. They played a computer game that paid real cash to look for money behind three doors on the screen. (You can play it yourself, without pay, at tierneylab.blogs.nytimes.com.) After they opened a door by clicking on it, each subsequent click earned a little money, with the sum varying each time.

As each player went through the 100 allotted clicks, he could switch rooms to search for higher payoffs, but each switch used up a click to open the new door. The best strategy was to quickly check out the three rooms and settle in the one with the highest rewards.

Even after students got the hang of the game by practicing it, they were flummoxed when a new visual feature was introduced. If they stayed out of any room, its door would start shrinking and eventually disappear.

They should have ignored those disappearing doors, but the students couldn’t. They wasted so many clicks rushing back to reopen doors that their earnings dropped 15 percent. Even when the penalties for switching grew stiffer — besides losing a click, the players had to pay a cash fee — the students kept losing money by frantically keeping all their doors open.

Why were they so attached to those doors? The players, like the parents of that overscheduled piano student, would probably say they were just trying to keep future options open. But that’s not the real reason, according to Dr. Ariely and his collaborator in the experiments, Jiwoong Shin, an economist who is now at Yale.

They plumbed the players’ motivations by introducing yet another twist. This time, even if a door vanished from the screen, players could make it reappear whenever they wanted. But even when they knew it would not cost anything to make the door reappear, they still kept frantically trying to prevent doors from vanishing.

Apparently they did not care so much about maintaining flexibility in the future. What really motivated them was the desire to avoid the immediate pain of watching a door close.

“Closing a door on an option is experienced as a loss, and people are willing to pay a price to avoid the emotion of loss,” Dr. Ariely says. In the experiment, the price was easy to measure in lost cash. In life, the costs are less obvious — wasted time, missed opportunities. If you are afraid to drop any project at the office, you pay for it at home.

“We may work more hours at our jobs,” Dr. Ariely writes in his book, “without realizing that the childhood of our sons and daughters is slipping away. Sometimes these doors close too slowly for us to see them vanishing.”

Dr. Ariely, one of the most prolific authors in his field, does not pretend that he is above this problem himself. When he was trying to decide between job offers from M.I.T. and Stanford, he recalls, within a week or two it was clear that he and his family would be more or less equally happy in either place. But he dragged out the process for months because he became so obsessed with weighing the options.

“I’m just as workaholic and prone to errors as anyone else,” he says.. “I have way too many projects, and it would probably be better for me and the academic community if I focused my efforts. But every time I have an idea or someone offers me a chance to collaborate, I hate to give it up.”

So what can be done? One answer, Dr. Ariely said, is to develop more social checks on overbooking. He points to marriage as an example: “In marriage, we create a situation where we promise ourselves not to keep options open. We close doors and announce to others we’ve closed doors.”

Or we can just try to do it on our own. Since conducting the door experiments, Dr. Ariely says, he has made a conscious effort to cancel projects and give away his ideas to colleagues. He urges the rest of us to resign from committees, prune holiday card lists, rethink hobbies and remember the lessons of door closers like Xiang Yu.

If the general’s tactics seem too crude, Dr. Ariely recommends another role model, Rhett Butler, for his supreme moment of unpredictable rationality at the end of his marriage. Scarlett, like the rest of us, can’t bear the pain of giving up an option, but Rhett recognizes the marriage’s futility and closes the door with astonishing elan. Frankly, he doesn’t give a damn.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

literally sick and tired

Much news, but no posts because I've been struggling with a bad cough, teaching responsibilities, and random meetings and lectures that seem to take away all my time.

Tomorrow is a fun day--we're going down to Corning (1 hr and 15 mins away) for a 1-day badminton tournament. That is, it'll be fun if I can actually play with coughing every two minutes. Hopefully I'll cough between points. Still, I know I won't be a great partner because it's hard to concentrate and my body just isn't up for a whole day's worth of play. I'm tired out. Sigh.

Okay, I'll tell my news but I won't explain how I'm considering my decisions right now because I'm just too tired. The univ closer to home didn't make me an offer, but the C college did. Talking to different profs now about the wisdom of taking the C college offer, and two of the two profs I've managed to meet with this week both think it won't be wise. But at the same time, we won't know if I will have funding at C_rne__ for the next year.

My director of graduate studies says he will do his absolute best for me, but he can't promise me anything. Still, even if there is only one extra funding package left, I suspect I will be at the top of the list, for reasons I won't go into now.

Monday, February 18, 2008

forgetful

Last week, I forgot to blog about the biggest change in my life: I moved OUT of T-house!!!!

Those of you who know something about my life here in Ithaca for the past one and a half years know that I live in a scholarship dorm that is a mix of undergrads, grads, and two faculty guests. It's been a huge time commitment and last year especially was filled with a lot of inter-personal drama. The past semester was much better but I just couldn't bear to be there anymore.

I decided last Sunday to move out of T-house completely and I am now living with a friend from the Christian fellowship group I attend. Life has been much more pleasurable since the move, and I actually stayed in my fellowship meeting until pretty much the end! Since moving into T-house, I never had the energy to stay past worship.

Now, I really need the friendship and company of adults because the anxiety hasn't really abated despite everything I know theoretically about trust and faith.

Oh yes, my roommate and I live in a trailer about a 10-minute drive from campus. It's actually very quiet and peaceful out here. I am paying more for gas but so far it's worth it.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

just a thought

I had a conversation with a friend today about being attracted to men. Both of us are trying to write our dissertations--oh, so desperately--and also trying to figure out what "the next step" is. And it was interesting to notice that we would both give up our hopes and dreams for our careers if these men would turn around and ask us to be a part of their lives.

If only men knew how much power they have over women once they have women's hearts . . .

Jobs in academia are particularly hard on relationships as most academics can ill-afford to choose where they end up geographically. You don't choose the job, the job chooses you. Most of my friends who get job offers this year (precious few of them) will probably only get one offer, at the most, two. And you can't exactly just move to a particular city or town and hope to find a job later, that's just not how it works.

Anyway. Going to bed soon.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Pressing question

My trip to the "left coast" (although, I wasn't in an area that was terribly "left," I don't think) last week was tiring but fun. My hotel was on the beach, across the wharf, and I saw beautiful sunsets and sunrises. After my final meeting there, I had time to take an hour-long walk on the beach at sunset, and that made me so happy and content.

Still, the question of calling remains preeminent. I know that if they offer the job to me, and if I accept, I willhave a very nice life in a very nice town (expensive, too). VERY NICE. But I think I would be talking only to C people, and I would forget how to talk to non-C people after a year.

In summary, I know what I do not want to do. But the most pressing question remains: What is my vision for my life?

Perhaps that will change as I walk on, I don't know. I need to spend some time reflecting on this question.

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

I don't know

Had a brief 10 minute meeting with my adviser an hour ago. When she asked me why I was feeling ambivalent about the job in S, I got a little emotional, and I don't even know why.

Monday, February 04, 2008

okay, i surrender (but it's not just any kind of surrender)

I must confess that I'm really struggling with my resolution to expect good things around the corner. And that's okay, I will continue to struggle in prayer to trust that God has my life all planned out and that while life may be difficult, it will be good.

I don't want to condemn myself for struggling--I want to work at remaining in communion with Christ.

After my visit, I still think that taking a job this year will make my life very painful and difficult, esp the job in S. The location is great, but I think I will end up burned out and bitter, if a lot wealthier.

And I don't want the job in the C college because I will have no friends but other C's, and the thought of living like that is horrifying to my mind and soul. Not now. Not until we go home for good.

If I have to take the job in S, I will praise God (and demand His strength and grace). But I will not take the job in the C college. That said, I will still go for the interview this week, Feb 6-9.

Have I said often enough yet that I'm exhausted?

Saturday, February 02, 2008

new turn

I'm still feeling really tired, but I'm done with grading! No grading papers over the weekend!!! Time for the dissertation!! I hope!!! And a bit of rest too.

My new resolution (even thought it's not Jan 1): I will expect only good things around the corner!

As I was telling naomiobi, I've lived my life expecting the worst. Because, hey, if the worst doesn't happen, then great! Whatever it is that does happen makes me happy anyway because it wasn't the worst thing that could happen.

But I live with so much anxiety as a result, and I can't do that anymore.

Still, it's going to take a lot of practice to change how I look at life. Anyone who wants to keep me accountable is welcome to do so, but please be patient and don't give up on me!

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

jet lag again

Just as I was getting over jet-lag in KL, I left for here. Got in yesterday afternoon, no delays, good flight, thank God. went to bed at about 5pm, woke up a couple of times but managed to sleep until 4:19am. Need to stay awake today even though I already feel like going back to bed (10:39am).

Trying to clear out my inbox. Have to pick up my student's papers from my friend who subbed for me while I was gone. Need to teach on Thurs. Crap.

Will try to post when I can. Am very thankful for friendships, every little gesture helps.

Friday, January 18, 2008

immune system

Have been popping vitamin C and Airborne (the cheaper generic version, actually) since the end of Nov, and have been successful at not getting a cold. But now that might be changing. I really hope not.

Was also dreading the return of the students to The House, but it actually hasn't been that bad. I was actually very glad to see a few people, and the rest have been nice and respectful of my time. I think it helped that I sent out an email to The House apologizing for my dis-engagement from The House because of current stresses and time commitments. I also pointed out that, unlike them, I haven't had the benefit of a Christmas break this year.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

phew

I sent out the my last application for this academic year. I am so tired.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

unrelated to work

Last night (or early this morning, about 4:20am, to be precise), I had a horrible dream where I was stabbed again. I've had these dreams before, and they're all different. Once, I had a dream where my grandfather stabbed me in the chest repeatedly. This time, I was asleep in my bed in The House--in a way, I was dreaming about me dreaming--and I knew someone was walking up the corridor to my room and she was carrying a large knife and intended to stab me.

I knew she was coming, and I tried to wake up but I couldn't. She opened the door, walked up to my bed, drew her arm up, and brought her knife down into my side. It was another couple of seconds before I could actually open my eyes and move and reassure myself that it was only a dream, even though I knew I was dreaming. It was horrible.

On another note, I had steamed egg and steamed broccoli and steamed rice for lunch . . . too lazy to do major cooking and clean up.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

sorry

Okay, I guess I over-reacted a little in my last post. But it really frustrates me when people treat me as if I'm a little child who only wants the candy now. I'm thinking of my work in the long-term. Taking a heavy-teaching job this year will affect my further progress in the field.

Anyway, I will be in S'pore from Jan 21-25, then on to M'sia before leaving on the morning of Jan 28 for S'pore and the US. Would love to meet up with folks whenever possible.

I'm going to be exhausted.

the very last word

I do not want a j_b. The next person who tells me I don't really know what I want is going to get a punch in the face. I'm serious. I really don't think it's that difficult to understand. Even if you think you know me better than I do, keep it to yourself.

If I take a j_b, it's because I have absolutely no other choice but to do so.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Stubborn as a mule. Too bad.

I had a conversation today that was frustrating in some ways. I'm becoming increasingly resistant to the thought of getting a job at a small C college on the other side of the coast from where I am. It's supposed to be a really beautiful place, but also really really expensive. The biggest issue I have with the place is that it's a C college. I don't know why I'm so resistant but I really am, and I'm beginning to be really resentful when people who wouldn't want to teach there either try to convince me that it could be amazing and wonderful. I don't resent the person, I resent his or her actions. When I am stubborn like this, and when my decision does not affect your life, just let me be. You win nothing by badgering me.

People can think what they want, and they can think I'm "not teachable" but this is how I feel about it. This is my life, and I think I know my field better than those who are not in it, and I know what life might be like and what it might take to do the work I want to do at this point. If they teach at a C college or are even LOOKING and THINKING seriously about moving to a C institution, then I will listen. But if they are at a non-C institution and are NOT considering making the move to a C-institution but think it's so great that I have the opportunity even if my desires do not in any way lie in that direction . . . I just don't get it. I know exactly how I feel about this.

I'm going to the interview for three reasons:

1) It's good practice regardless of how things turn out.
2) It is a sign of respect to the institution that invited me.
3) It will help me develop professional relationships.

The fourth, most popular reason to go (which obviously I hope to God will not happen even though I acknowledge its possibility): "Oh, but it might be amazing and you would really love it!"

The thought of teaching at a C college now makes me incredibly nervous and uncomfortable. I started out thinking I'd give it a chance. After the Chicago interview, even though I really respected and liked the search committee, I didn't think that I wanted the job. The more I think about it, the more resistant I am.

I would only go out of a sense of guilt, i.e., I should go to a C college because that's what a good C would do.

Friday, January 11, 2008

patience

I have to ask my friends to be patient with me as I try to work through my anxieties. I'm not very successful, but I am doing my best. :)

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

note re getting jobs

In my field, if you go into a job when your dissertation isn't very well thought-out or written, especially if it's a job that requires you to do a lot of teaching, that can be detrimental for your progress toward turning your dissertation into a publication. Without a book, you probably won't hang on to your job.

That's all I'm going to say for now. I'm trying to control access to this blog, but that's not always possible, so it's best to err on the side of caution.

explanations

I suppose I should explain the memory I wrote about two posts ago. Occasionally I meet with a Christian counselor--actually, I've met with her three times--to do what she calls "prayer counseling." I think there are different names for it, but I don't remember the more sophisticated term.

Basically, when we meet to talk, and usually this is when my emotions are more disturbed, she will ask me if any memories are coming up. I tell her the memory or memories that surface, and sometimes one memory will lead to another. Then she asks me what I'm feeling in these memories--this isn't always easy as I often have to pause and figure out what exactly I'm feeling. Once we have that, we go into a time of prayer where she asks Jesus to reveal His truth to me, and then we stay silent for a little while. The answers don't always come immediately.

But the answer is often peace.

In this particular memory, I say myself walking along that long and busy road, afraid and yet guilty of being afraid because I had to be strong, I had to take care of myself. If I were to walk that distance again today as an adult, it would take me about 15-20 minutes to get as far as I did all those years ago. I wonder how long it took the 4-year old me to walk that far.

My answer to this memory was a picture of Christ (sorry, I saw only His back, don't know what He looks like) walking by my side and holding my hand. I'm sure I didn't feel it, but He looked like He was on an adventure, and He was trying to convince me that "This is fun! This is going to be so great! You'll see!" And as with every adventure, there is always a hint of fear. But there is also knowledge that everything's going to be just fine.

Finally, I felt His great love for my parents. They made a mistake that resulted in a four year old being left alone on a busy street, but it was a mistake and it did not mean that they loved me less. Christ was walking with me and holding my hand at every step of the way. That was and is my answer.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Reprieve

Trying to arrange my trip to S'pore (work, not fun), and friend M really helped by telling me I can delay my trip so that I can get my pre-trip work done.

I'm not even going to go through why I've been stressed out the past three days because I think it would make me even more stressed out. The people I've told my stories shake their heads at me when they realize just how difficult this has been. And really, it doesn't need to be this difficult. Really. I just happen to always have horrible, slow experiences with consulates, embassies, and airlines.

I also checked in over the phone with Prof N five minutes ago, and she thinks the delay is a great idea, and even told me to take a couple of days off before starting on the work I need to do. Wow. I've been told to take a couple of days off? Wow.

Saturday, January 05, 2008

working through memories

I have a very vivid memory from when I was about four years old. I was in kindergarten, and our uniform was white and turquoise--a little sailor suit, if you can imagine it. The kindergarten was at a crossroads of a major intersection, close to the main streets leading out to the center of town.

It was a public holiday, and a few days earlier, I had given either my mom or my dad a notice from the kindergarten saying that there were no classes for the day. I guess there was a miscommunication because that morning, my aunt dropped me off at the kindergarten anyway. I walked into the kindergarten, and the guard was in his sarong--shirtless, I think--and he told me (and my aunt too?) that there was no school that day. I don't remember much after that; I remember seeing cars zooming by on my left, and a very large tree on my right.

My mom tells me that she remembers driving down that road on her way to work--I think she and my dad figured out that I wasn't supposed to be at kindergarten--and seeing me walk on the side of the road, trying to find my way home.

I feel like that four year old right now.

Visit

Well, I'm through to the second-rounds at a univ. near home. I need to fly in about a week or so. Which means I need to write a lecture in about a week or so.

Did I mention that I'm already tired out? And that I don't think this would be a good year for me to finish?

Thursday, January 03, 2008

new year seems old to me

I fell asleep unexpectedly today. Twice. Took a 2 hr nap this morning. then slept for 4 hrs in the afternoon. Yeap, I slept through most of the day. I hope it's because my body needed it and not because I was lazy.

My upper back is all locked up and my chiropractor couldn't really do much to release it. Pilates instructor is down with the flu so we may not be able to start up again this week. I miss it. I bought her DVD's but I am not disciplined enough to push myself and I take breaks every time I feel tired.

Spent Dec 31 with the int'l CF here, then went home to call my old Ch_c_r prof (Prof A) and she told me I'm a slow worker. After today, I'm convinced she's right.

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

back from C-go!

Really tired out because there were multiple long plane delays both going to and coming from C___go. Got back in this morning at 5:30am, and found that I had lost my house keys. Climbed in through a window.

Will post later with more stories. Lots of work still, and I need to move half of my stuff to my other apartment. I will continue to live in The House, but I've rented a 1-bedroom basement apt that I can return to sleep and take time away from The House because this new semester I will be sharing a room again. My roommate has a boyfriend (who has lived in the house and just graduated) so they'll be happy that I will be out at night.

People wonder why I don't just leave The House completely, and I wonder the same thing myself. I might move out completely in March, but until the snow is gone, it's nice to have a place close to campus.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Away for the next four days

At this point, my life revolves around anxiety management. I'm convinced that I'm not ready this year, and I think it helps if I think of the next two days as preparation for next year.

Really struggling to remember that my life is not my own.

Will be back very late at night on Dec 30.

Went to Christmas Eve candlelight service, then to a couple of friends' house for dinner (R and J) because they wanted to keep their celebration "secular." Had Christmas lunch with the CICF'ers and it was very fun. Played Uno and found that if you play with the real rules (instead of made-up versions that resemble those of mahjong), Uno can actually be quite fun even if it does depend more on chance rather than strategy.

I'm looking forward to seeing J and K again.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Symbolic

I made a list. As an act of faith.

Monday, December 24, 2007

the truth

I'm not ready. I'm just not.

I had a phone conversation with Prof A last night, and it is always nice to talk to her--she's very forthright, much more forthright than I am. But she also does it with grace and generosity, and I have much to learn from her.

She had just had an emergency operation for a twisted colon. She said it's quite a rare and sudden condition. Well, it was nice to hear her voice anyway.

I'd really like to talk to Prof C, but it wouldn't be appropriate, I think. Resisting the temptation to call her takes all the strength I have. I feel like such a child.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

pendulum

Okay. We're back to fighting nausea. Again.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

getting my head straight

Phew, lots to do before I leave for Chicago on Wed!

Feeling better this morning for several reasons:

1. I need to stop thinking about what *I* want.

2. I need to be completely professional, especially with respect to a certain school in which I have too much personal investment. It really isn't healthy for me, and I've been paralyzed by fear and anxiety for far too long.

3. I realized that my extreme sleeplessness last night (I think I was awake until 5 am) was due to the 2 cups of very strong Indian tea I imbibed yesterday during lunch time. I will now only consume that tea in the morning, and in very controlled amounts. My insomnia is bad enough even when I don't consume any caffeine.

no, no . . .

The worst thing is getting what everyone else thinks is a good thing.

I don't know. I'm confused. I'm confused, and anxious, and sleepless.

Help.

the paradox of being z

The worst thing that could happen, is that I get precisely what I wish for. And yet, I am filled with anxiety.

And even though I know how to think my way through this, I am still so anxious!

sigh.