Sometimes, I wonder what I learned in graduate school. I don't mean that to be as critical as it first comes across. Now that I have some idea of how I'd actually like to revise the dissertation, I am sometimes too impatient with myself--I wish I'd read a lot more during grad school! Although, I do think that in grad school, we are forced to read so much so quickly and in such fragmentary ways that we retain hardly anything of what we'd read. This is why most of of my teachers took 10 years to complete their PhD's! And now we are expected to finish them in 5-6 years?

We had a pretty long lapse between postdoc events and I was so happy to be back with the group yesterday. We will have another event next week before another long, much lamented lapse again. Life is crazy busy as usual but I'm loving it most of it. I hate having to think about life after this postdoc.

This image is appropos of nothing personal

I stumbleupon-ed this drawing and its caption on this site and couldn't resist putting it up because the analogy it draws is ironic and socially relevant.

On another note, I came upon a different sort of realization last night during my church home group meeting. It's not very profound but it was personally timely and helpful. My desires and dreams are important and relevant. But in the face of God, they become less so. This is not to say that I will repress whatever hopes and fears I have, and letting them go does not mean they are not important or that they are morally wrong. It just means that God matters more, that's all.

That realization not only freed me to acknowledge that I have desires, it also freed me from being consumed by them.

falling back into normal

After meeting my deadline last week, my body crashed again. I've been sleeping about 10-12 hours a day for the past few days but I'm no longer worried. I'm resigned to how my body has to recover after I push it hard for awhile, and I look forward to how my body will recover so that I can work with pleasure again.

This morning, I woke up feeling a little better than I did the past couple of days and the next week looks pretty interesting as far as postdoc commitments go--a couple of interesting lectures and hopefully I'll have the energy to start reading a couple of books that I've been wanting to read for awhile now. Hopefully, I won't have another unexpected crazy deadline any time soon.

inspiring

Lately, I've been wondering if staying away from the papers will keep my spirits up, and I think that it will. I did come across this NYT column on earth-friendly technological innovation that made me feel good though.

oh well, whatever

I know that it's probably not very "spiritual" to take pleasure in praise, but I can't help it, I am going to take pleasure in a word of affirmation from an unexpected source. Yesterday, I sent my former supervisor something I wrote recently but I didn't expect her to read it--for very good reasons that I shouldn't go into anywhere--and she wrote back this morning to say that she glanced through it very quickly and that she thinks I have made "enormous strides." What's even more exciting is that she also indicated that she might read my document more carefully in the near future to offer guidance on how I might proceed in the coming months.

Forgive me, I am only human. With this piece of good news, I am looking forward to a very restful and happy weekend. (Minus the vacuuming, mopping, laundry, and bill-paying of course.)

more stumbling

I really like this picture but I don't know why, especially since the caption says "Mustard gas party"!!

stumbleupon!

I love the stumbleupon application! It's my new favorite way to take a break. Once you install the toolbar, all you have to do is click on an icon and it automatically takes you to sites with cool pictures or news or videos. I usually click on the image icon to be directed to random images on the web. Most of the images are of art installations or photos by professional and/or amateur photographers. Some of the images are political statements that are very well done but I don't have time to save them although I really probably should as they might be helpful one day. But I don't partly because I don't want my stumbling to seem like work. So, here's one image that I will never use for work.

Isn't it nice to feel protected?

Monday

I've always been somewhat perplexed by friends who live in the non-academic world, especially when they complained about hating Mondays. Why should Monday be any different?? What, you mean you don't work on weekends?? But I've been trying to take weekends off most weeks for the past few months now and have gotten a taste for what it's like to actually have weekends off.

I woke up today wishing it was the start of the weekend. I've noticed that when I take time off to rest on weekends--without running errands, cleaning, paying bills, or trying to catch up on work--I am much more productive and excited to be back at work on Mondays.

Oh, and I've been assigned to teach on Fridays from 2-5pm in the Spring quarter. My friends tell me I won't have any students. Great.

Epiphany

I just realized this morning that I constantly live as if I'm on the brink of disaster. That's just not a healthy way to live. And even if I feel that way, it may not be true and it's probably not true.

compass

Okay. I need to calm down and re-center myself. Okay.

oh no, not again . . .

You know, I think that a lot of my stress is also partly a result of multiple and repeated UNEXPECTED deadlines that disrupt whatever schedule I have in my head. Okay, some deadlines I can predict, and some deadlines should have been predicted, but then there are those things that are impossible to predict. Those "unknown unknowns"--I can't believe I'm quoting Dick Cheney, ptooey--such as the one that was made known this morning, are like a blow to the head.

I am busy enough! I have enough to do, really! I'm not bored! I can't remember the last time I actually felt bored! The last thing I need right now is something that, while good, just leaves me a little . . . breathless. I want to sit and hold my head and not do anything--the very posture that I cannot adopt. Okay, maybe I will do just that for a couple of minutes.

Hmmm.

These past couple of days, I've been feeling really anxious and low in spirits again--probably the most anxious I've felt since last March, probably. Without going too much into it, I think it's related to low self-worth.

Must. Work. Against. That.

Sigh. I don't know why I keep struggling with this issue. I just hope it is not the thorn in my side that will plague me all my life.

the ride doesn't end

I still feel like I'm on a roller-coaster with very high highs and very low lows. I supposed I should resign myself to it!

Lunch in Chinatown last weekend was pretty bad, actually. I can't believe any restaurant in Chinatown can serve food that badly cooked. Most of its patrons were non-Chinese, so no wonder. But after lunch we did grocery shopping and it turned out we were there in time to see their annual CNY parade! It was a bit strange as you can see from the pictures my friend S took.

This week, I'll be happy to get as much work done as possible. Feeling pretty tired out again but I need to turn in textbook requests this week besides all my usual work. This Sunday, Friend M--the tallest one in the Chinatown pictures--is having us over at her place for empanadas, the Argentinian version of curry puff. The dough is heavier and the filling has no curry. :) So, I do have fun times to look forward too. I just wish I weren't so tired all the time!!!!

Oh yeah, and I played badminton last Friday. I was so happy to be playing and I can't understand why I ever stopped. But I also did bruise my big toe badly from lunging for a shuttle and I'm hoping that I will be able to play this Friday. If I could move faster, I wouldn't have to lunge and risk bruising my toe. But I haven't had time/energy to run or practice sprints. The bottom of my big toenail is purple and black now which means I can look forward to growing a new toenail over the next few weeks. Sigh.

two pictures from one of my favorite sites

looking up

Well, I met one of my deadlines today. Sort of. I'm ambivalent about it because, well, as with all writing, one can always keep revising. I know I can be impatient with myself but the reality is that I wasted a lot of time in the past few years, and now, I always feel like I have to catch up. But don't worry, I won't beat myself up about it. :)

It's been a hard week because of a slight spurt of teaching and work responsibilities but it's also been really interesting. I've learned a lot and I'm still happy about being here! Last weekend, I had a conversation with someone from Ithaca--older and wiser--about my struggles with anxiety, and it was freeing to hear her say, "Uhm, that sounds pretty normal, z." And then we talked about why my anxiety was normal and not a spiritual failure. I'm learning (and re-learning) that there's nothing wrong with being human, and that our spiritual walk is about being human. Being human is also part of who we are in Christ.

And, I'm also actually looking forward to having lunch with friends in Chinatown this Saturday!

PS - That same friend--a trained Christian therapist, actually--also recommended that I try a supplement called L-theanine, to help with the stress and I think it works. Well, that, and more spiritual discipline. :):):)

CNY

Monday will be the first day of the new year. I can't remember how I celebrated last year and I probably didn't, but it's still a little scary how I have absolutely no recollection of what happened. Or what didn't happen, as the case may be.

This year, I feel a bit odd as I don't have close Chinese friends here. I get along well with the other postdocs in my program and I'm really glad to be friends with them but it's too soon for me to think of them as "close friends." A couple of M'sian friends of a M'sian friend are in town but I don't really know them well enough to want to celebrate with them. I kinda feel like CNY should be celebrated with family or close friends. In any case, because of my grandfather's passing a few months ago, I don't think I'm supposed to celebrate this year anyway.

Well, a few of us from my postdoc group will be going to a restaurant in Chinatown to "celebrate," but only next weekend. To them, it will seem like I'm ceebrating and I don't mind pretending. But I don't really feel like celebrating this year although I will be glad for family and friends who will celebrate!

Rain

The winter around these parts has been warm and sunny, and the other postdocs joked about sending their friends pictures taken on the beach. In what seems to be the coldest winter in years, we've really had it nice. But I'm also very glad it started raining last night. Hmm, so why can't we have both sun and rain at the same time? That would be nice. The earth will get the water it needs, and we'll all still feel happy too.

Now I'm struggling a bit with insomnia again. I don't know why I go between such extremes. Well, it's forced me to think about my spiritual life and take a couple of steps to address a few issues, so I'm thankful for that.

Lucky are those who never have to worry about sleep.

heavy head

Last week, I slept about 12 hours a day for four or five days straight. I just could not wake up. I was really worried but luckily, I'm getting back to a more regular schedule this week. Fingers crossed for productivity.

uhm . . .

Two of my students here are older than I am--not uncommon in state schools--and when one of them thanked me today for meeting with him about the paper that's due next week, I kind of choked. He said, "Thank you, Dr."

retreat

Haven't been able to do much this past week besides teach. On Tues, I went up to UCSB to meet an old friend from college who was visiting UCSB, and an old friend from C_rnell who is now doing his MA there. It was lovely catching up with both friends as we walked on the beach. UCSB is right on the water, and the irony is that even after about 5 months here in LA, I have yet to go down to the beach in Santa Monica and I really must go soon.

I just realized that I must be coming down with a cold and that's why I've been feeling so drained and tired the past couple of days. Well, I hope that's the answer. It's also probably because I've had a rough few months and my body is really asking me to slow down. Spending time with old friends on Tuesday was truly marvelous. It's nice to be around friends you can just say things to without needing to "perform" any kind of smartness or wellness or wholeness. Sometimes, we just need to talk and be heard. (Advice is nice but not always necessary.) Hopefully I was that kind of friend for my friends too.

I'm trying out a recipe for egg tarts because I will be going to a friend's place for dinner tomorrow night. I might have over-cooked them a little. But they smell pretty good.

a measure of relief

Wow, I am so glad that I'm only teaching one class per quarter. Teaching a new class is a lot of work and I'm teaching a new class each in the Winter (now) and Spring quarters. I need to start working on the syllabus for the Spring quarter soon because I will be presenting at conferences in Boston and London the week before I begin teaching in the Spring quarter.

Regular faculty teach anywhere between two to three classes per semester/quarter and they have committee work, faculty meetings, and student advising. Even though I'd like to have job security, a part of me is happy that I'm a postdoc fellow this year.

Thanksgiving. Again.

The last few weeks have been stressful because I had to turn in the hard copy of a seminar paper to my postdoc group, finalize the syllabus for the class I'm teaching, and write an additional 10 pages to read out loud at my seminar presentation.

Yesterday, I had to teach in the morning and in the afternoon, present my additional 20 mins of new thoughts (it takes 2 minutes to read out one page), and was subsequently grilled for the rest of the 2-hour session. Now my body feels like it is coming out of a long illness.

But it was all so much fun.

I took as many notes as I could when people were talking and was mad when I realized this morning that I had left the USB with the file at home. My thoughts are all chaotic still and I want to go back to the questions and comments that were raised. If I can come up with roadmap for revisions, I think I will be working very steadily for the rest of my time here. Some people joked that when I present again next year, they want to see the new (improved) version of the project. A few of the other postdocs said they enjoyed the session too.

I still can't believe how happy I am to be here.

news clip on Israel/Hamas (must watch to the end)

2009!!

I am excited to see what will unfold this year. I'm surprised at myself because I am usually pessimistic. My new year's resolutions:

1. Learn to take risks.

2. Learn to have fun and enjoy whatever it is I'm doing, wherever I am. (I will probably break this one the next time someone makes me wait more than 10 minutes for them.)

3. Learn to be more openly affectionate. I'd hate to have my friends think that I don't appreciate them. This is going to be quite difficult for me actually.

New Year's Eve

I got back late last night from SF where I attended the annual conference in my field. Feeling very tired and hungover even though I didn't have any alcohol. The drive was long and complicated by events that I won't go into now. Actually, I don't think I'll talk about it in the future either!

Our journey was safe and there were a lot of good things about it but well, I'm still learning how to deal with feelings of annoyance and disappointment!!! It helps to keep reminding myself that people have different values and different conceptions of time but I can only repeat that to myself so many times before my blood starts to boil again. I was surprised when one of my (new-ish) friends in the car commented that I seemed very even-tempered and relaxed. However, as she wasn't the one who was annoying me, maybe she didn't notice that I was having a hard time keeping my cool.

Anyway, I was surprised that I had an amazing time at the conference. The two full days I was there, I was out and about for at least twelve hours each day running from one thing to the next! I spent a lot of time meeting up with old friends and acquaintances from grad school and thoroughly enjoyed myself listening to their stories and sharing some of my own. I'm learning that speaking up and telling my stories can do wonders not just for friendships, it also helps me in some indefinable way. I have much to learn about how much to say, when to pause, and when to ask the other person questions though.

The panel presentations that I listened to at the conference weren't as productive as the panels I attended last year, but I did enjoy them because I learned a few things I hadn't known or thought about before. And I realized just how far I have to go, and how young my work still is.

I also saw two of my teachers from graduate school--met up with one of them and had a brief conversation with another when I bumped into her on the street. I was very glad I had those conversations, however scattered and brief.

There's a new year's eve party tonight that promises to be really fun and I'm glad to be going. Hopefully I'll get to fit in a little more time of reflection before the party. I suppose I've already spent most of the morning in reflection but a little more time would be nice. I really should go back to work.

hope you had a great Christmas !

I meant to post about a church I visited recently but couldn't find the time. (Or, if I did post about it, I've forgotten.) Well, I was really excited to visit this church, CofR, because a friend of mine had visited it before and she was excited about the diversity of this church! LA is a big city with a lot of minority groups and when I was moving out here, my profs were really excited for me because well, I work on race and minority issues. But since getting here, a lot of the churches I've visited have been homogenous, i.e. mostly white or mostly black or mostly latino or mostly chinese, etc.

The Alt_er, which I've been going to does have people of color but it was still surprisingly homogenous. This doesn't make it a bad church, in fact, I quite like it and I've gotten really fond of my small group too. People are friendly and nice, and every now and then, because of its location, people from the street--clearly homeless--have come in for services. It is a church that opens its doors to people from all walks of life, even those who don't dress or smell right.

But the pastor at Alt_er still doesn't know my name even though he has walked by me or sat by me a few times. I think that's pretty shocking for a church that's about 100. I don't need the pastor to be my new best friend, but not to even say hello, how are you? Well, others in the church are friendly enough so you could say that the community as a church takes responsibility for welcoming strangers and newcomers, and that's a great philosophy to have.

Contrast that, however, with CofR. The one and only time I've been there, the pastor made it a point to talk to me TWICE, and he invited me to join his family for Christmas brunch when he heard I was going to be in town for the holidays. CofR is smaller (60 or so members) but they also have fewer resources available to them. Anyway, I did want to get that off my chest.

But really, I was posting because I just got back from brunch with Pastor K and family, plus a few other guests. It was delicious, simple, fun, and I got to hear more about how CofR is committed to being a church in a neighborhood that isn't at all what you would call wealthy, and where more often than not, there are very real racial tensions. The church doesn't have a website (how my friend found it is a long story) because they've been focused on being there for, and trying to meet the needs of, their local neighborhood.

So, even though I really want to commit to attending a "local" church, i.e. within a 10 min drive from my apt, I'm really thinking seriously of attending the CofR, which requires me to get on the freeway. I think I could learn a lot from this church.

This isn't to say that CofR is a perfect or even exemplary church, although obviously, I think it tries hard to model certain principles. And this isn't to say that Alt_er isn't worth going to or anything like that. There is much I respect about that church, and I will certain keep attending the small group until the end of the year, i.e. the summer. But I think it would be exciting to be at CofR.

I will say that all the churches I've visited in LA are committed to giving back to the community and providing services, resources, or friendships to people in need. This is especially true of the larger churches that have more resources at their disposal, and it has really heartened me. I'm not claiming that any of these churches are without weakness, but it does seem to me that they are doing their best to give.

Well, I had a good Christmas. It helped me pause from the madness of writing for awhile. I'll have to go back to work tomorrow. But it was really good to stop, and listen to the other kinds of stories that are floating around.

broke my heart

mixed-up

When I can actually focus my mind on work, I really do love it. But it's hard not to think of everything else that's so horrible about the field, especially now. Many schools have hiring freezes, which means people who are looking for jobs this year have far fewer positions to apply to in fields that have already been incredibly competitive. As friend N remarked the other day, higher education needs a bailout too. :)

The next two weeks of my life will be horribly stressful again if I am to make my deadlines. I will take the 25th off, and after that, I'll be going up to SF for a few days to meet up with old friends from graduate school who will be at the big annual conference for our field. I do want to see old friends but I can barely think of the trip as a true "vacation." Honestly, I can't wait for June, when the academic year ends--even though my work clock won't stop ticking then, I hope I'll be better able to leave the anxiety behind.

I still love my postdoc, but that doesn't stop me from recognizing that this is a brutal profession. I really don't know that I can recommend it to people who might consider starting a PhD program with the hopes of becoming a professor, at least not in the humanities.