feeling better

Could only sleep 4 hours last night despite using melatonin, managed to sleep about 40 minutes this afternoon. But still tired.

Had lunch and another long conversation with Prof R, and cleared up a few things that were making me crazy and that made me doubt who I am. Prof R really is a lovely person and I learned that I am able to confront someone when they mis-speak and hurt me without meaning to. More about that on Tues, maybe.

Ups to friends Cat and Naomiobi for their continuing support and friendship. It really helps to have friends who are peers--I seem to have a lot of friends who are older than I am!!

And Uncle Paul, you're right, I made it through. :):) How did you know????

Now, I'm just hoping my sleeping problems will go away soon. Decided to turn in my draft on Tues morning instead of Mon afternoon. It won't look anything like what I was hoping it would look like but right now this really is all I can manage. Going shopping on Wed for a power suit! Hah!

Also looking forward to tomorrow night's 4th of July fireworks, put on by Ithaca College. Going over to Mark's and Jan's place to watch the show from their balcony. There are also a ton of fireflies in the field behind their house so I'm very excited.

Small pleasures keep my spirits up. :)

in a bad shape

The night before last, I think I only fell asleep at 3am, dunno why. As a result, was very tired yesterday and could hardly write.

Last night was worse. I was up until 5am, and got up at 8am. I do know why I couldn't sleep but I'm not in the right frame of mind to say why (and esp not on a blog!). Suffice it to say that I called friend Naomiobi in the middle of the night and blubbered at her for a bit before I could even begin to explain the story. I felt better after that, but I still couldn't completely let go.

Woke up this morning and felt the same way, but I am taking steps to try and get over this. It's not easy, and I wish I didn't have this on my mind when I'm trying to finish this draft that's due on Monday.

distractions

I guess I forgot to mention that I've been working furiously on the dissertation chapter that's due this upcoming Monday. I've had ugly moments of being close to tears, and then moments of sheer joy--usually if I meet my page quota for the day--and in between the rolls and rises of dissertation writing, I'm learning to enjoy cooking. Miracle of miracles.

Hey, when I have to choose between making a meal and writing the next sentence, making the meal is way more fun!! Right now, I'm testing out my friend's bread-machine (the friend who sublet-ed her room to me) but unfortunately, because I didn't press the pan down into the machine, the thing sat there for a whole hour before I unplugged the machine and tried to figure out why nothing seemed to be happening. Now my oatmeal bread won't be done until 1am, at which point I hope to be very fast asleep.

smells of home

tried to make belacan fried rice last weekend at a malaysian couple's home last weekend (to celebrate their baby's full-moon, i.e. he was born exactly a month ago), and when we smelled the belacan cooking, we all felt like we were at home.

the smell of belacan = the smell of home.

p.s - the rice for the fried rice wasn't that great, and i forgot to account for the ground meat that we were adding to the rice, so i didn't have enough belacan or shallots in the paste.

mulberries

I've been getting annoyed about parking my car in the backyard. Of course, I love having off-street parking because my summer sublet is on one of the busy streets of Ithaca, and on a pretty steep hill, no less. BUT, after I got back from Maine, I had my car washed and the morning after, my car was covered in bird poop and dark purple berry splats.

However, once I got over my annoyance, I realized that the berry splats came from the mulberries dropping by the hundreds from the mulberry tree in our backyard! So my roommate and I went out with bowls and harvested a whole lot. She took these three pictures.

Unfortunately for me as I found out, mulberries give me the runs. Well, at least these ones did. So no more mulberries for me. It's a pity because they're apparently very good for immune systems. And we all know just how often I catch colds.

I also need a haircut desperately but I'm too cheap to spring for one just yet. I'll wait until either the Fall semester. Or, maybe when I get a job interview (haha, yeah right). I guess it doesn't matter too much since I'm trying to grow it out. Short hair is nice except for the fact that I have to get it cut every month.

(I've decided that I can't do much with my round face.)

more disgust

A Hindu woman has been incarcerated by the Islamic authorities in Malaysia because they claim her as Muslim. Saw this on Sivin's blog. Horrifying.

worth a try

Had a long conversation with R tonight. R is a professor at Cornell in policy analysis, and she's one of the profs who run the Christian women faculty/grad/staff reading group at Cornell that I've been going to for the past 3 years or so.

She confronted me about certain things I do and the way I behave, in a very gentle way, and some of it is still a little surprising (and thus a little difficult to accept) but I really am going to consider a few things that I did not realize about myself:

1. People do not need to be perfect for me to love them.

2. I am very quick to judge people and write them off, i. e. I decide that I don't trust them (because they're going to hurt me or they're out to take or demand things/time) or that they're not worth getting to know (because I'm just too tired and besides, they are so self-involved anyway).

3. I need to communicate with people when they hurt me or cross my boundaries instead of keeping it all in and letting resentment build. When I am hurt or resentful, I often ignore the people who I see as responsible and shut them out of any real intimate relationship.

4. When I do confront people about their hurtful actions, I need to do so gently and listen to what the other person has to say. And I need to tell them about how hurt I feel because if I don't, all they're going to see is the hard-ass, aggressive side of me.

5. I also need to affirm them and tell them that they matter to me.

6. I need to touch them gently--I told R that I can try to pat them a couple of times on the shoulder and that's it--and again, affirm that I do care for them and that I am interested in being in relationship with them.

Needless to say, all this is terrifying and overwhelming, so R said I can experiment with three practice people (and she's one of them) who will be "safe" to try this on first.

Well, I'm willing to give it a shot . . . I mean, I'm not exactly happy with the way my life is right now and I don't exactly have better ideas for how to fix it. :p

return of the elder brother

I'm really struggling not to be the elder brother right now. If you don't understand what that means, that's fine. It basically just means I don't really like who I am right now. :)

Maybe I'll explain myself in a later post.

facebook

Anwar Ibrahim is on facebook!!!!! I can't believe it.

Short posts

Maybe if I put up short posts from time to time, I'll be able to get more thoughts out. If I forced myself to sit down and write everything down, I'll never do it for being so overwhelmed.

Every time I go back to Bates, I'm a better person. I like who I am when I'm there. And this last trip back reminded me of who I used to be, or who I can be, or who I'd like to be--I haven't figured out which.

But here are a couple of things on my mind (maybe this won't be a short post after all!):

#1 : I don't care as much anymore. I don't want to know, I don't want to think, I don't want to feel, I don't want to do anything. I never used to be this way. I think I used to be engaged, incensed, informed, and active. Now, I just want a quiet life that seems to be made up of my dull, mundane, daily life, with some contact with a few people I just happen to care about. The world can be horrible (and it is), but as long as I don't know about it, that's okay.

This is worrying.

#2 : I'm forgetting what it means to care for people and how to be a good friend. Going back to B_tes reminded me that one of my strengths is listening. Listening is both a gift to myself, and to the person with whom I am in conversation. I learn a lot of cool stuff when I take the time to listen to people talk. If I don't make time to allow people to talk, I won't learn as much. And these days, I run away from people, I won't make time to listen, and really, I just don't care anymore.

This, too, is worrying.

How did I get to where I am?

funny story about zen gardens

Sand zen gardens are helpful for meditation and relaxation, and I've actually seen a couple of these miniature ones in offices. They're great to play with and look really cool on display.

This story isn't about a funny thing that happened to me while I was at B_tes, it's a funny story that I heard from Ron and Maggie when I was staying with them while I was at B_tes. Maggie is a professor in the Economics Dept, and she was one of the two profs who took a group of us to study in China for a semester (that's how I know her), and Ron is her husband who works in the computing dept at B_tes. They have a nice house very near the college campus and they have a beautiful backyard behind their house. But it takes a lot of work to keep this beautiful backyard looking nice: mowing, raking, picking up whatever that falls on the ground, etc.

Anyway, we were sitting in the living room, and someone starts a talking about the miniature sand Zen garden on their coffee table. Ron then tells this story about a conversation he had with Maggie about sand Zen gardens:

Ron says really wistfully, "You know, maybe we could turn our lawn into a giant Zen garden, so that we wouldn't have to weed or mow or rake leaves . . . " [see again beautiful picture at top of an elegant zen garden--I couldn't figure out how to insert it in the middle of the post]

And Maggie goes, "Are you CRAZY?!! We'd have every neighborhood cat in our backyard!!!"

It doesn't sound as funny here, but when Ron told the story, I cracked up and couldn't stop cackling for the life of me!! I was even giggling about it when I was driving back to Ithaca. It makes me laugh even now.

If you don't get it, you probably don't remember that cats LOVE sand, and that they especially LOVE to SHIT in sand. If they did turn their backyard into a sand zen garden, they could rake patterns in the sand around the little lumps of cat excrement. At least they wouldn't have to mow.

back from b_tes

Got back from Maine yesterday evening, and am tired out from traveling and TALKING, TALKING, TALKING the entire weekend!

Much news, and I'm really determined this time to write about what I've thought and felt for the past few days. I had a wonderful time.

So COLD

Temperatures dropped drastically over the last day or so. I broke out my hot water bottle today. Tomorrow should be better, but tonight . . . we're going back down into winter-like temps! Maybe summer will never truly be here this year.

random pictures

These are a few pictures of members of the Maxson family! I don't have a group picture of them, so here are random pictures of (from the top): Joel and Naomi; Nathan holding the Millers's cat; Kiny and Lloyd (the parents); and finally, Kirsty. The rest of the kids are Daniel, John, Joshua, Hannah, and Seth.

I'm going to see Pirates of the Caribbean 3 tonight with Kate and Jade! I also want to see Ocean's Thirteen when it comes out.

lessons I need to keep re-learning

I spent the week before I could move into my summer sublet staying at my friend Heather's home. I didn't know her husband, Chris, before that but we became friends after the week. We had a few good conversations, and we talked a lot about cars too because I was thinking of getting one.

Two things that struck me from our conversations:

1. A car is not an investment. Few people, if any, ever make money from owning a car. Buying a car is like digging a hole in the ground and then pouring your money into it.

2. People are more important than money. I have to remind myself of this one because I get so anxious about money.

I have to re-examine my relationship to money because even though I'm not the type of person who has to make tons and tons of money, I am the type of person who is certain that she will never make a ton of money during her lifetime. Consequently, I have to be frugal and careful with what I do have. This in and of itself is not bad, but at the same time, sometimes I can make life difficult for myself. I'm try not to make life difficult for others if I don't have money (which sometimes manifests itself as a fierce--and not always necessary--independence).

I don't know. I suppose I will always be negotiating this. I love my new (used) car, and I bought a more pricey one because I don't want to have to keep sending the car to the mechanic's. But at the same time, I think I will always feel a tinge of guilt for owning such a lovely car.

And I will continue to remind myself that blessings are meant to be shared, and I will give rides to others as often as I can. But the problem with giving rides usually isn't the financial cost, it's the time it takes to drive people here or there to run their errands!

But I'll deal with this when I need to. :)

judiciary crisis

Time's piece on the Lina Joy case:

In what has been dubbed a blow to Malaysia's religious freedom, the country's highest court on Wednesday denied an appeal by Christian convert Lina Joy to make her switch from Islam recognized by law. A multi-ethnic state composed largely of Muslim Malays, Christian and Buddhist Chinese, and Hindu and Sikh Indians, Malaysia has long prided itself on its diversity of faiths. To safeguard this religious heterogeneity, the country's constitution sets out a dual-track legal system in which Muslims are bound by Shari'a law for issues such as marriage, property and death, while members of other faiths follow civil law.

But the parallel system has occasionally faced snags. Joy is a Malay originally known as Azlina Jailani, and by Malaysian law her ethnicity automatically makes her a Muslim subject to Shari'a law. In order to make her 1990 conversion to Christianity legal, she needed permission from the Shari'a courts, which consider a renunciation of Islam a major offense. But, since she is still classified as a Muslim by the state, Joy was not allowed to have her case heard by the civil courts. Her six-year-long campaign to convince the civil system to legalize her conversion failed, prompting her appeal to the Federal Court, after the Court of Appeal rejected her claim in September 2005.

On Wednesday, the Court announced that it had no jurisdiction over the case since it was under the purview of Shari'a law, effectively punting on any attempt to clear up the gray space that exists between Malaysia's two legal systems. The ruling was greeted by shouts of "God is great!" from many in the assembled crowd outside the Palace of Justice in Kuala Lumpur. More secular observers were far less jubilant. "I see this case not just as a question of religious preference but one of a potential dismantling of Malaysia's ... multi-ethnic, multi-religious [character]," warned Malik Imtiaz Sarwar, a member of Joy's legal team, before the decision was announced.

The Joy verdict, which will likely become a precedent for several other pending conversion cases, is seen by many in Malaysia as evidence of how religious politics are cleaving the nation, with a creeping Islamization undermining the rights of both non-Muslims and more moderate adherents to Islam. Last November, at a party conference for the Muslim-dominated United Malays National Organization ruling party, one delegate vowed he would be willing to "bathe in blood" to defend his ethnicity — and, by extension, his religion. In several Malaysian states, forsaking Islam is a crime punishable by prison time.

Earlier this week, Malaysian Prime Minister Abdullah Ahmad Badawi, who in December acknowledged that race relations in his homeland were "fragile," hosted the World Islamic Economic Forum in Kuala Lumpur. In an era where Islam is so often partnered with extremism and autocratic governance, Malaysia was held up at the annual conference as a model of a moderate Muslim nation committed to safeguarding the rights of its diverse population. But the Federal Court's verdict on Joy's case, which represented her last legal recourse, may undercut that reputation. After all, is it complete religious freedom if a 42-year-old woman isn't allowed to follow the faith of her choosing?

lots of news, but only one bit right now

I've been plenty busy since my last post, and plenty tired too . . . :) But I think I'm now settled for the summer, and ready to work again! ANXIOUS to work again because I have a deadline!!

Anyway, I'll write more soon about what I've been thinking about recently, hopefully, but this is my biggest (and most expensive!) news: I BOUGHT A CAR! I bought it yesterday.

It's a used car again, but this time I paid a LOT more for the car . . . $5,800 for a 2004 Hyundai Elantra. The engine and transmission are still under Hyundai's warranty for the next 7,000 miles! What I paid is about $2,000 less than what Kelly Blue Book lists for a car like this, but that's because it's been in a small accident and it will be difficult for me to re-sell it when I'm done with the car.

This was definitely an expensive purchase for me, but since I will be saving the $300 in rental car fees (I'm going to B_tes College for reunion next week), I figured that the car *really* only cost me $5,500 and I'm really praying that I won't have to make any major repairs while I own the car.

disappointment with nasal irrigation . . .

I have a cold. I'm really bummed out because I thought if I washed my sinuses daily it would help keep colds at bay. Well, I'm sick now and even though I think washing my sinuses helps me breathe better . . . I'm still sick! And even Zicam isn't doing that great a job of helping me breathe. I'm not coughing very much, certainly, but . . . I'm still sick!!!!!

Someone really needs to come up with a cure for the common cold. Or at least give me a new nose--one that doesn't catch colds this easily!!!!!!!!!!

I'm moving out of T-House on Monday, and will be staying at H's house for the next week because I can't move into my summer sublet until Monday. The slightly awkward thing about this is that H is leaving for Burma (to do research) on Tues, and I don't really know her husband and son (about 8?) very well. They're lovely and I'm VERY thankful that they're being so generous but I also feel odd being in their space when their mom (friend H) isn't going to be around. I'll probably take the bus to campus in the morning and return only at night.

This is why I cannot wait to settle down into my own apartment and leave behind this peripatetic lifestyle.

Six Weird Things About z

There are more than six weird things about me, but I guess that's the limit I'm allowed to post. :) Alwyn's weirdness-es aren't even that weird! But here goes:


1. My strange health fixations. I can't elaborate on them because there are too many, but anyone who's traveled in a car or plane with me know that I am anal about my back (I carry 3 pillows with me). Chiropractic care and nasal irrigation are probably the two weirdest things I do in terms of personal health practices.

2. My awful laugh. I think I sound like a cross between a banshee and a seal. I can't help it. The more you take me by surprise, the higher my pitch. My closest friends think it's cute, everyone else is just horrified.

3. I have no sense of direction. None at all. North, South, East, West . . . none of that orders my universe, and the very sight of a map nauseates me. Thank God for mapquest and landmarks. I don't mind getting lost because I've gotten lost so often that I know I will always find my way to my destination . . . eventually.

4. I hate writing. People always assume that I do what I do because I like to write--I don't. Writing is a useful practice, and it forces me to work through my thoughts, but I find writing to be very painful, difficult and draining.

5. I hate being at social events, and I especially hate being at social events where strangers outnumber me and my friends. A number of people have told me that they never thought of me as "shy"--which is strange to me--so maybe I come across as "confident" . . . or "arrogant"? Because of my posture (see Weirdness No. 1), I think I generally look poised even if I'm uncomfortable, awkward, or afraid. Basically, if I'm not hanging out with people I've known for a year or more, I'm uncomfortable, shy, and afraid. The older I get, the more suspicious I become of people too, and I find it much harder to develop friendships. Maybe I'm just too tired (people drain me), or maybe I'm disillusioned and cynical, or maybe I care less now . . . . I don't know. I still have to work on this.

6. I love watching TVB Cantonese serials. People usually give me a hard time about this because I'm supposed to be "so intellectual" but hey, we all need our vices, and TVB dramas help me relax. It's also helpful because it's clearly not a genre that I "work on," so I don't feel a need to analyze it. :)

I really could go on and on about my many idiosyncracies, but maybe I should go back to thinking about my dissertation chapter . . . !!!!

I guess I tag anyone who reads this, and who hasn't actually blogged about it yet!! Lai Zen? S__w Y_ng? Cat? Wesley? Thewallah?

Pictures from Deep Springs, CA

I guess it's only been a few days since we got back from D__p Springs College in California, but it already seems like weeks!! We got to Ithaca at about 2am this past Friday, I think. Before getting to the college (which is on a ranch), we drove through Death Valley National Park which was fun. More pictures on my facebook album.

While I was at D__p Springs, I got some exercise from walking around and mowing the lawn (communal labor is a part of their lifestyle) but it still wasn't that much exercise. Yesterday, MIT came up to play against our team for the intercollegiate league championship (we won), and today, I'm very sore especially my calves. I've never felt sore there before, so I suspect it has to do with the long car and plane rides we took to and from Deep Springs.

Need to get back to work, aaahhhhhh!!! One more week in T-house, then I move out and stay with some friends for a week before I can move into my summer sublet. I don't like having to be so transient for so long but well, at least I have a roof over my head!

tired and traveling again

I'm really tired out by all the T-house drama. In the past, we'd joked around the dinner table about turning T-house into a "Big Brother" show. Let's just say it really wouldn't be such a bad idea. Except that I think if people knew they were being watched, they'd ham it up even more. Their egos are already too big for the house as it is.

Leaving on Sat evening for our trip to D__p Springs, a two-year community college that's apparently pretty famous for being experimental. It's our brother dorm, also funded by the same organization that funds T-house. The college is located on a cattle ranch and alfalfa farm, and it's 4 hours from Las Vegas (where we'll be spending a night) and in a desert area (I LOVE DESERTS!!!!!)

The association's paying for 5 of us from T-house to go so hopefully it'll be fun and restful . . .
I may be able to milk cows if I want to. Wow. Last week, I was wishing that I hadn't signed up for the trip because I'm just so exhausted, but now I'm starting to get really excited about the trip!!!!!!!!

would you believe it?

Shit is hitting the fan at T-house, AGAIN. For all intents and purposes, I'm acting as house-president. This weekend is going to be a very long and hard one. Fingers crossed that we do the ethical thing, but that we will also conduct all processes in a way that minimizes any kind of mob-craziness. T-house is the kind of place that could combust if someone so much as sneezes (not really, but sometimes it feels that way, esp when I suddenly find myself in a position of authority).

What I really should do at the end of the semester is print a t-shirt with the words: "Everything I learned this year, I learned at T-house."

photos from puebla

I didn't have time/energy to be very touristy when I was at the American Comparative Literature Association (ACLA) annual meeting in Puebla, Mexico. Anyway, there are a few more photos, but not very many. I had a great time at my panels (very productive questions from the audience!!) and I had a lovely time just walking around town and EATING every 20 minutes or so.

I felt constantly full the few days I was there because I just had to try everything I saw. Great pastries, tamales, quesadillas, tacos, churros, and oh, the hot chocolate for dipping churros was so thick it resembled pudding! Not super-sweet like American hot chocolate but thick and chocolat-ey like you wouldn't believe!

Can't resist saying again that I was so very glad to have gone to the conference. The questions I got after I presented my paper were very helpful and I'm so much more interested in this chapter than I was before. Maybe I'm not crazy, and maybe I won't have to throw away what I've written so far, and maybe I don't need to start all over again!!!!!!! Maybe I'll even have fun writing this second chapter.

You don't know how relieved I am.

I also saw some old friends who had graduated and moved on to professorial positions at Yale, University of Pennsylvania, and Amherst College. A couple of them I hadn't seen for 4 years! Chi-Ming and Javier were in their last year of their PhD program when I was a first-year graduate student. It was lovely to see them again, they're all such amazing people. And so generous and wise with advice. :)

two pictures from maryland

Too lazy to upload more pictures! Anyway, here are my friends Dilkushi and Atsuko. Atsuko's finishing up her MA at Cornell, and Dilkushi has graduated with a PhD in Environmental Engineering and is in a post-doc in Maryland.

back from mexico

Got back at about 1am today, had a GREAT time in Mexico. The conference was very productive, and I got to meet up with people I hadn't seen in years. Very tired now, hope to write more at some point. I am so glad I went to the conference, but now I feel utterly discombobulated and need to find my work rhythm.

annual photo

This picture was taken in our cleaned-up living room. Usually there are books, blankets, and random crap strewn all over.

good thought

Thanks for the concern. :) I am feeling a bit better, and having folks commiserate is always helpful!

I was talking to someone last week about this, and he said something that stopped me short for awhile. He said, "Well, if you could be writing, you'd be doing it already."

If I could do something, I'd be doing it already? In other words, I'm not doing whatever it is I'm supposed to be doing (reading, writing, whatever) because I'm not ready to do that very thing.

This smacks suspiciously of grace to me, although my friend did not use that word. It reminds me most of Brother Lawrence's reminder that we can "only grow as fast as grace allows."

Whenever I struggle to do something, or when I'm procrastinating, my first impulse is to condemn myself for indiscipline and laziness. And hey, maybe it is laziness. I'm not absolutely convinced of the truth of my friend's comment.

But I'm willing to think it over.

a little better

The past few days were awful, and I don't know why. I had neither energy, focus, nor interest in anything. I took yesterday completely off, and just stayed in bed watching TV . . . again. :) I do that a lot these days. But usually I only watch TV after I've gotten in a good day's work!

But the past few days, I was so despondent and lethargic I couldn't even bring myself to go to the gym, and I'm usually a pretty disciplined person. It's funny, the world literally seemed like a dark and joyless place.

Finally went to the gym this afternoon and my spirits have lifted some. Truly, I cannot do this by myself. If I get through this part of my life (and whatever else that comes next), I know I'm not living by my strength alone.

(Even now I feel gloom returning a little, but at least I had a brief respite.)

health

i'm a bit of a hypochondriac, but i also often take good health for granted. i take it for granted that i will be able (and willing!) to go to the gym regularly, push myself on the badminton court, and eat anything i want whenever i want to without worrying about aches, pains, or discomfort.

the stomach bug this past weekend reminded me just how much i tolerate any kind of discomfort or inconvenience. i don't have a chronic/recurring disease (although i am completely anal about taking care of my back) and i generally live a pain-free life . . . some people aren't quite so blessed.

whenever something does go wrong, i go nuts trying to control it. but really, should i expect to have so much control over my life or body? i need to have responsible habits, yes, but those habits don't guarantee a pain/discomfort-free life and i need to accept that.

(basically, i'm writing this post because i don't know how to write the next paragraph in chap 2 of the dissertation. but also because i really do have to learn to accept the fact that i cannot control everything that goes on in my life.)

whacked out right now

got some kind of funny stomach bug over the weekend. feeling mostly better now. it didn't affect my appetite though. just ate as i pleased, and then used the bathroom whenever i needed to. one of my housemates is still really sick with a stomach bug (he got it before me), and another one has viral meningitis. someone once described living at t-ride as living in a petri dish. don't think that's too far off the mark.

fighting off panic attacks and trying to take one day at a time. trying to do one thing at a time, and trying to think about one thing at a time. relax . . . relax . . . relax . . .