last stretch

Will need to file the dissertation either at the end of this week or the beginning of next week. I'm so exhausted I can hardly think anymore. Will just do what I can and that's that. Hopefully, my committee will sign the forms, the formatting will be approved and everything will go well.

aaahhhhh . . . .

I need to focus . . . . focus . . . . focus . . . .

Only two more weeks left!!! I need to focus for two more weeks.

nothing new

Still trying to finish the dissertation. Writing sucks. I've decided that I will be happy if I write two pages a day.

This past Sunday, I went to a Vin_yard church and an English service at a Chinese church close to my apartment. The Vineyard is a bigger church with more ministries, of course, and they were quite hospitable too. Their pastor made it a point to invite new people to a brief get-to-know-you session after the service.

I've always felt awkward at Chinese churches here in the US but it is closer to my apartment. The English-speaking congregation is very small and I got the feeling that they weren't used to having visitors. :)

But I suppose I should give both a chance. The Chinese church has a small group that meets on Friday nights so I'll check it out this week. I prefer to attend a church that is close to my apartment and I think Vineyard is about as far as I'll drive (about four miles from my apartment). I've also emailed a couple of fellowship groups at UCL_ but haven't gotten a single reply. Can't help making comparisons with CICF at C_rnell. Not replying to an email inquiry would be unheard of at CICF.

up and down

I think I have to be very careful in the next month or so. While I did take a break from work when my mom and sis were here, I realized today that I am still stressed out by the fact that the dissertation isn't completed yet. Getting back to work has been quite difficult and I am more anxious than I would like to be.

FedEx has also been giving me a lot of trouble and a customer advocacy representative finally assured me today that I will be able to pick up my package with the paperwork I need to submit to UCLA. They "misplaced" the package, can you believe it.

But I do know that if I weren't already so stressed out and anxious, I wouldn't let this incident affect me the way it has. I look forward to walking to this FedEx store to pick up my package. They won't even deliver it to my apt. Ridiculous.

Okay, time to let go. Sigh.

in LA

I got here safely as scheduled on Aug 26. Since my arrival, I've been busy buying and setting up furniture, replenishing my toiletries and kitchen stuff and getting my car serviced. Spent some time driving around with my mom and sis but since my mom was here longer, she got really tired of LA traffic. It really is horrendous. Everything is always a thirty-minute drive away because of the traffic. I hope I won't have to do much driving.

Don't have time right now to blog about the trip but I will say that we were all safe despite a couple of scares with the car. My itinerary was truly crazy and I hope I won't ever have to drive cross country again. If I do, it'll have to be a much shorter route with more breaks in between destinations. But really, I don't want to drive cross-country again.

As we all know, being with family can sometimes be difficult but I do miss my family now especially because I still have to find new friends and orient myself to the place.

And it really doesn't help when I have to start writing again tomorrow. It was impossible to work during the cross-country trip and now I have to get back into gear. I think I'm about half to two-thirds done with unpacking. I hope. But I do have my home office set up now.

I miss Ith_ca.

couldn't resist

I keep saying I won't be blogging for awhile and then I go ahead and blog anyway. I'm in Yonkers right now, at a friend's apt. Friend K is away at a conference and has kindly agreed to let my mom and I stay at her apt for two nights. After I picked up my mom from the Newark airport (at the end of a VERY long day full of misadventures and mishaps), we drove up here and Friend K has internet!

We leave tomorrow morning for NYC where we'll stay at a hostel until Friday afternoon when my sister flies in. Oh yeah, I leave my car here too so that I don't have to worry about parking on the street in the city.

Anyway, I found this post from Uncle Paul's site and thought I'd re-post it because I like it so much. I've been struggling really hard with saying goodbye to a phase of my life and this reminds me of how much I still have.

If I get internet wherever I am for the next two weeks, I'll try to post. I just hope my cross-country trip will be quiet, calm, and beautiful. I don't want "exciting," "adventurous," or even "rich."

When I was talking with an old friend on Monday about how the last few years have been, we used the adjectives "rich" and "full." In my mind, those two words are now euphemisms for certain types of experiences that I would prefer not to have. Well, at least not too frequently.

God Lives Under his bed

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

My brother Kevin thinks God lives under his bed.

At least that's what I overheard him say one night. He was praying in his darkened bedroom and I stopped outside his door to listen.

"Are you there, God?" he said. "Where are You?"

A pause-and then, in a relieved voice, "Oh, I see. Under the bed."

I giggled softly and tiptoed off to my own room.

Kevin's unique perspectives are always a source of amusement. But that night something else lingered long after the humor. I realized for the first time the very different world Kevin lives in.

He was born 30 years ago, mentally disabled as a result of labor difficulties during birth. Apart from his size (he's 6'2"), there are few ways that he is an adult. He reasons and communicates with the capabilities of a seven-year old.

He probably will always believe that God lives under his bed, that Santa Claus fills the space under our tree every Christmas, and that airplanes stay in the sky because angels carry them.

I remember wondering if Kevin was ever dissatisfied with his monotonous life. Up before dawn each day, off to work at a workshop for the disabled, home to eat his favorite macaroni and cheese for dinner, and later to bed. The only change in this routine is laundry day, when he hovers excitedly over the washing machine like a mother with a newborn child.

But he does not seem dissatisfied. He lopes out to the school bus every morning at 7.05am, eager for a day of work; he wrings his hands excitedly while the water boils on the stove before dinner; and he stays up late twice a week to gather our dirty laundry for his next day's chores.

And Saturdays-oh, the bliss of Saturdays! My dad takes Kevin to the airport to have a soft drink, watch the planes land, and speculate loudly on the destination of each passenger. "That one's going to Chi-cargo!" he'll shout and clap his hands. He can hardly sleep on
Friday nights in anticipation.

I do not think Kevin knows what it means to be discontent. He will never know the entanglements of wealth or power, and he does not care what brand of clothing he wears or what kind of food he eats. He recognizes no difference in people, treating all as equals and as friends.

His needs have always been met, and he never worries that one-day, they may not be. His hands are diligent. Kevin is never so happy as when he is working. When he unloads the dishwasher or vacuums the carpet, his heart is completely in it. He does not shrink from a
job, and he does not quit a job until it is finished.

But when his tasks are done, Kevin knows how to relax. He is not obsessed with his work or the work of others. His heart is pure too. He believes everyone tells the truth, that promises must be kept, and that when you are wrong, you apologize. Free from pride and unconcerned with appearances, Kevin is not afraid to cry. He is always sincere.

And he trusts God. Not confined by intellectual reasoning, when he comes to Christ, he always comes as a child. In my moments of doubt and frustration, I envy the security of his simple faith. Yet, it is then I realize and am humbled that perhaps he is not the one
with the handicap.

My obligations, my fears, my pride, my circumstances all become disabilities when I do not give them away to Jesus. Maybe Kevin can comprehend things I may never learn. He has spent his whole life in innocence, after all, talking to God, who lives under his bed, and
soaking up the goodness and love of the Lord.

One day, when the mysteries of Heaven are opened, we will all be amazed at how close God really is to our hearts. But Kevin won't be surprised at all...

- Author Unknown

tired and then some

Most of my books and clothes have been packed and mailed. Need to pack everything else tomorrow and then ship off the last few boxes of books and papers and STUFF. I am absolutely exhausted. But I need to spend today working on Ch 3.

Need to sort out some financial matters on Monday too before I drive down to Newark to pick up my mom. It looks like I'll have to continue revising Ch's 2-3 while I'm on the road. When I get to LA I'll have to rewrite the Intro and revise, as much as I can, Ch's 1 and 4.

May not be blogging or checking out people's blogs for the next two weeks.

no-o-o-o-o-o . . . .

I think I'm going to miss Ithaca when I leave. I'm getting that sinking feeling in my stomach already. Crap.

Those of who haven't seen The Dark Knight really SHOULD. I loved it!!!! Ranks higher than Spider-man II!!! And yes, better than Pirates of the Caribbean. No kidding. Go see it. In the cinema. Don't wait for the DVD.

Finished revisions for Ch 4, PRAISE GOD. Besides the introduction which I hope to begin writing after I get to LA, the revisions for Ch 4 were the most overwhelming. I don't know if I tied all the threads together but I've done all I can for the time being.

The process of securing the apt is 98% completed. I can start packing and shipping my books and winter clothes.

My car has been checked up and it is all ready to go.

I'm trying not to worry about things I can't control. :) Like my mom's and sis' flights. I have an awful feeling that I've forgotten something important but I can't think what it is.

wrapping up

I've begun the process of securing an apartment. Friend C has viewed a number of apts for me and this last one sounds like it will make for a safe haven within my budget during my first year in LA. Once the landlord goes through the credit process, I can start packing and mailing my books, papers, and winter clothes to LA. I'm not looking forward to the process! I hate moving.

I also hate saying goodbye and I'm surprised by how I hate the thought of leaving now.

All this, and still more work to do. Couldn't really work much this weekend. I think my body is really starting to say no.

huh???

after cicf tonight, i got home and found the letter from the gov. the thing is, i'm not sure i know what they want!!

BUT, at the same time, it seems to be as small as "we need an ORIGINAL signature" as in, not a photocopy of the signatures. but does that mean i have to submit the ORIGINAL form that i got from UCLA?? what if it gets lost in the mail??

anyway, i don't have to do anything until monday when the administrative offices open.

i'm just so relieved to know that it really could be a very minor thing.

what a nightmare

Got an email late last night saying that they've mailed out a letter requesting more "evidence" for my visa application. I won't know what they need until I get the letter. Trying not to worry but it's been really tough.

Won't be able to get health insurance through UCLA until the visa comes so it looks like I'll have to pay for private health insurance until I get the visa (or get rejected). Need to figure out how to find affordable health insurance.

Need to treat this as a "call to prayer." Every time I start worrying, it's time to pray!

Sigh. Never-ending.

Friend M looked at a nice small studio for me in S_nt_ Monica but she says for the price I'd be paying, I should keep looking around. The landlord to one other studio in roughly the same neighborhood sounded like a very not-nice-guy so I told Friend M she shouldn't even bother to look. We're still waiting to hear back from another landlord for a studio in W_stw__d which would be much closer to my new office/school. Most studios are going for about $1200 a month!

Also still waiting to hear back from Friend C about the apts she's looking at for me this weekend. She's looking at places in W_st L_ for me.

No word on the new visa, although when I was on the phone with peeps at U_LA, they thought I'd probably get it in time. I think they were trying to make me feel better after they stressed me out by telling me that I really need the visa or I won't be paid.

Work goes at a snail's pace. Fighting despair, fatigue, and anger all in turn.

Had a nice dinner at Sticky Rice with a couple of M'sian friends. Probably won't see them for awhile now as one of them works for X_rox in R_chester and the other will be starting a consulting position at M_cKenz__'s in P_ttsburg.

Then had a nice long walk and talk with Friend J_n after dinner.

It was really good to be with friends who aren't demanding and who don't stress me out.

one more thing . . .

Well, I just found out from UCLA that I won't be able to sign up for health insurance through them until I get my J1 visa which is supposed to arrive THIS MONTH. My Cornell health insurance coverage ends Aug 16 (the day my mom, sis, and I start driving to Chicago) so I really need my J1 visa to come before then!!!

Not having health insurance in the US is a scary thing. But Sue, the department secretary, thought that I might be covered through car insurance if I get into an accident but I have to check. That's probably true, though. Still, I could get into trouble (knock on wood!) while I'm not in the car.

Okay, I don't have time or energy to worry so I really should just think about something else now.

Slogging Through Mud

I've never been more convinced that growth is slow and painful, and that more often than not, it is marked by regressions and mis-steps. I hope to write again more fully but thought I'd just say for now that my emotional life continues to be turbulent and Friend K had to talk me through how life really is about being in relationship with others even as I have to struggle to get everything done.

"Forgiveness" has been on my mind in many areas of my life, including the personal, the political, and the intellectual. On a personal level, it's been really important for me to learn and remember that forgiveness recognizes the wrong that has been done but then decides to restore the relationship anyway. (Of course, this doesn't apply to abusive or manipulative relationships or instances when there is very real danger.)

I need to learn to discern what kinds of dangers really exist and just how guarded I really have to be. I have been too guarded in the past and while that has probably protected me from being hurt, being too aloof has probably limited my own horizon and the kinds of experiences I would have had otherwise. Pausing and counting the cost in each relationship a little more carefully makes sense because in doing so, I may find that there are greater benefits to being more vulnerable and giving.

Wow, I thought this post would be a little shorter. :) Anyway, I have other thoughts that were sparked by today's sermon at church.

ps - on a more practical note, I still need to find an apartment!!

wonderful lessons

The first 40 hours or so after the defense were really emotionally difficult for me. I spent last night grieving and mourning for a few hours in my room. I had a short email exchange with MS that night and she was worried about me. MS is a senior prof in Nutrition (one of the best programs in the whole country), and she is also one of the two women who leads the Christian women faculty/staff/grad reading group that I've been a part of the past 5 years or so.

MS sent me a fairly long email this morning about her own experiences in graduate school and offered valuable words of wisdom and below is my response to her email. I don't think she would mind, and I find no shame in a confession such as this one. I declare after David, "O, Happy Sin!"

(Those of you who might be interested to read about the reasons for such an invocation of joy, read Eugene Peterson's "Leaping Over Walls." It's in either that or "Running with Horses." Both are fantastic.)

-----

Dear M,

Thank you for your long and thoughtful email and thank you for sharing your experiences. It must have been horrifying at the time but your life is evidence that God can still work and use that experience for good. You're right, a lot of my emotions yesterday was a result of my letting go of my walls and barriers.

I had thought that if I can just keep going, if I can just keep my fatigue and frustrations and disappointments inside, I will be able to do everything my adviser wants me to do within the next couple of weeks.

I can't remember the exact moment, but God clearly called me to Himself and even though He didn't put it in so many words, He wanted me to let go and rest. No more walls to help me survive.

If it is true that all who are weary and heavy-laden go to Him for rest, then we must go without condition. I had to let go of everything, including my desire--which stems from pride--of wanting to do everything my mentors wanted me to do AND do them all ahead of time.

I also had to allow God to determine how much intellectual progress I will make. During the oral exam, my adviser said that my progress had taken "quantum leaps" this year. When I think back on how busy I was (preparing for the job market, traveling for interviews on the job market, teaching, and writing most of my dissertation) I think it really is a miracle that I've made any kind of intellectual progress at all. But I also know that I have far to go, M, I have so much more to learn!

That is part of what I had to give up last night when I grieved for everything else. If I never had another idea in my life (yes, I know you want to thwack me on the head), then so be it. God is sovereign and as you say, He has plans for my career. I still struggle with this but I need to give up my desire for control over my intellectual progress, even as I recognize that some of my desires for my career are good (intellectual rigor and integrity, for example).

Anyway, I should go back to my reading. I'd like to read for another 20 minutes or so.:) Thank you so much for offering to be available over the phone. I will keep that in mind! I'm not fond of talking over the phone and rarely do so, but in the odd, desperate occasion, I might pick it up and call you. I'm really grateful for your generosity, M.

Oh yes, I had a long talk with my adviser this afternoon and it was immensely helpful and meaningful. God certainly does work in mysterious ways. That blessing came *after* I released everything to Him, not before.

love,
z

anticlimax

Passed the oral defense. Many revisions to do. Don't think I can finish them before I leave town. Advisor trying to find out from UCLA if I can file the final version in Sept. I am so exhausted I can't even think.

The revisions are conceptual. Very difficult. After reading through some of my chair's specific comments on the pages of my dissertation, I recognize that she is letting me go without making some of the other changes she would like me to make. The committee "just" wants me to make the larger conceptual changes that will bring the entire dissertation into clearer focus, that's all.

Thanks to friends J and K for being with me last night. The experience was quite overwhelming.

much thanksgiving

I am so thankful for my friends naomiobi and dd88. I'm thankful because they helped me through a difficult incident this weekend. Their grace, patience, wisdom, and acceptance last night and today have been real gifts from God. I am learning how trust, obedience and faithfulness on my part is made possible only through prayer and community. When I am unable to do what is good, my friends help me, not by condemning me but by prayer, words of comfort, and gentle exhortations.

my head hurts

Preparing for my oral defense on Monday afternoon. So far, I have prepared about 10% of what my chair expects from me on the day of the exam. I have one more day to prepare.

The cherry-picking trip this morning went well but now I am suffering. Sigh.

Aug 11 is the day I go down to NYC to pick up my mom at the airport. The morning of that day is the last possible period during which I can turn in the final version of my dissertation because I won't get back to Ithaca until Aug 15 in the evening (my sis flies into NYC at 12pm) after the offices have closed. We start driving to Chicago on Aug 16, as early as we can wake up.

The next three weeks will be hellish again until I can physically remove myself from Ithaca.

celebration . . .

The first thing I did after dropping off copies of my diss in my profs' mailboxes was to go to the library and pick up some books. But they're not books related to my work! They're novels completely unrelated to my professional interests. After that, I went to my pilates class.

Yeap, that's how I'm celebrating. :) I really would like to go to Maine for a visit but the thought of driving for 8 hours each way makes my back hurt. Especially since I will have to go down to New York City in August to pick my mom and sis up. And the day after we get back to Ithaca (5 hrs away from the city) we embark on our 10-day, 4000-mile road trip across the country!

I will go white-water rafting next weekend, after my defense this coming Monday afternoon and that's a three hour drive away (in Pennsylvania). Lots of money spent on gas this summer!!!

Oops, I'm supposed to organize a cherry-picking expedition for this Sat!!! Should do that now before I forget.

unbelievable!!

I've just printed out a copy of my dissertation!!!!!!!! I'll go to the office tomorrow morning to make copies for everyone. Wow. I'm done (for the time being).

Nothing's perfect, just gotta learn to let go. :) I'm feeling pretty happy right now!!

feeling very full . . .

Had dinner with some friends tonight and I am SO STUFFED. The deep fried salt and pepper squid was really yummy, as was the chicken with salted fish and eggplant. And after that, we had Purity ice-cream. My tummy still hurts now!!! I really shouldn't have eaten so much.

I had a meeting with Prof X on Fri morning and it was a very helpful meeting. Prof X hasn't been very involved in my work this past year and her lack of engagement has been difficult for me. I was really happy that she decided to be more present! I only have a week left so I don't know how much I can do but even if I don't address all the questions she has raised, I can still think about the questions when I have more time to revise the dissertation, i.e., when I get to UCLA.

Oh yeah, my friends are in consulting and they said I should check it out and think about changing fields. I'm not terribly fond of math but problem-solving sounds fun . . . . I have a lot of reservations about consulting but when I have time I should look it up a little, just in case I don't get a job in academia!

this, I've learned

. . . I don't want a job that will require me to live under constant stress.

can't help myself

I'm kicking myself for not using my time better during the past 6 years. Funny, now that I'm finishing up, I'm finally beginning to understand what graduate school's about. I wish I could do grad school over--I would have made very different choices.

But I shouldn't be thinking about this. I need to finish writing.

the worst grad school horror story ever

I've heard many horror stories from fellow PhD students, but this has to be the worst one I've heard so far:

My roommate's mom met up with my roommate's high school friend's dad and asked him how the friend was doing. The friend used to be a grad student at Up_nn where he studied alternative healing and Buddhism. After he finished writing the first chapter of his dissertation, he turned it in to his adviser. His adviser looked at him and said: "Show it to me only when you've finished writing everything." So this friend went back to his office and after a year and a half of writing, he took his completed dissertation to his adviser. His adviser read the dissertation and then said: "I don't like it. Do it over."

The friend left grad school and is now a consultant in some company in Japan, probably making tons and tons of money. True story!!!

to the end

I will be turning in the final draft of the dissertation to my profs on July 5 and 7 (one prof needs it on the fifth and it will prob contain more typos and errors than the later version). My oral defense has been set for July 14. I'm so tired now that a part of me is happy to just turn in what I have now even though I have so much more to do!

Other than that, not much to report except that my cross-country reservations are almost all in place now. And I'm taking weekends to watch bad Hong Kong TV shows . . . I need something fun and mindless. One of my CF friends will be organizing a white-water rafting trip and I really hope that works out!

another lesson on placing Christ in the center

From "Families With Grace in Place," Jeff Van Vonderen, pages 102-103:

Callie came home on the bus one day and said that bunch of kids were making fun of her. She was sad and scared, and wanted to find a different ride to school. In our talk with her, we acknowledged her feelings and supported her in her sadness. We also wanted to find a way to remind her to hang on to Jesus.
"Those kids sure are acting like you're not very special. When they treat you that way how do you feel?" we asked.
This brought tears, and we hugged her to offer comfort.
"So, on this hand, are the kids who say you are little and dumb," I said. "And on this hand, is Jesus. He says you're special, and capable, and if He was picking a team He'd pick you first. So now, you have to decide who you're going to believe."
Callie has had to decide many times whose voice she was going to listen to for her sense of worth. There is no doubt that, sometimes, like you and me, she has chosen to listen to the wrong voice. That is our fight of faith, ongoing--to resist the temptation to find our life in anything and anyone but Christ. But Callie is growing just as we are.
Let's face facts: Even if our children begin their own faith journey and choose to believe they are loved and accepted by God because of Jesus's work on the cross, it does not mean that other kids are going to be transformed into nice people. And it doesn't mean our children won't feel hurt when hurtful things are said or done to them. But we can stop trying to control behaviors and feelings, and focus on value and identity. Our eternal value and identity are settled because of Christ. . . . Let me say it plainly: Our job as Christian parents is simply to draw our children's attention to what is real--what is true--and not to try to control how they feel.

on divorce and remarriage

This is an excerpt from the same commentary (see previous post):

"Those who use Matthew 5:32, in particular those trying to determine the meaning of 'except on the grounds of porneias' in order to decide if and when divorce may be justified, unfortunately transform the text from one of permission to legalistic exchange.. What is crucial is not the question of when a marriage may be dissolved, but given the new dispensation the question should be how Christians should understand marriage. In similar fashion the question is not whether a divorced woman should be allowed to marry, but what kind of community must a church be that does not make it a matter of necessity for such a woman to remarry. If Christians do not have to marry, if women who have been abandoned do not have to remarry, then surely the church must be a community of friendship that is an alternative to the loneliness of our world. At the very least, any community capable of sustaining singleness as a way of life must be a community based on trust made possible by the speaking of truth to one another" (70).

sermon on the mount

I'm reading Stanley Hauerwas's commentary on Matthew and he has a really interesting interpretation of the Sermon on the Mount:

"The sermon is not a heroic ethic. It is the constitution of a people. You cannot live by the demands of the sermon on your own, but that is the point. The demands of the sermon are designed to make us depend on God and one another (Hauerwas 1993, 63-72)" (61).

I suppose he's quoting himself in this section. :)

"The sermon, therefore, is not a list of requirements, but rather a description of the life of a people gathered by and around Jesus. To be saved is to be so gathered. That is why the Beautitudes are the interpretive key to the whole sermon--precisely because they are not recommendations. No one is asked to go out and try to be poor in spirit or to mourn or to be meek. Rather, Jesus is indicating that given the reality of the kingdom we should not be surprised to find among those who follow him those who are poor in spirit, those who mourn, those who are meek" (61).

hmmm

Nothing's actually happened, but looking "foreign" over here during hard times doesn't feel good. I'm glad I'll be moving to LA where I'll blend into the background a little better.

what???

Dialysis in Malaysia costs about RM4,000 a month!!!!!! That's at least USD 1,200 a month in medical bills. My dad has to start treatment soon. Well, I guess it's a good thing I'm moving to a postdoc salary instead of a graduate student stipend.

Still, the postdoc doesn't pay that much for LA living expenses . . . I guess the belt will remain firmly cinched.