Thursday, May 31, 2007

judiciary crisis

Time's piece on the Lina Joy case:

In what has been dubbed a blow to Malaysia's religious freedom, the country's highest court on Wednesday denied an appeal by Christian convert Lina Joy to make her switch from Islam recognized by law. A multi-ethnic state composed largely of Muslim Malays, Christian and Buddhist Chinese, and Hindu and Sikh Indians, Malaysia has long prided itself on its diversity of faiths. To safeguard this religious heterogeneity, the country's constitution sets out a dual-track legal system in which Muslims are bound by Shari'a law for issues such as marriage, property and death, while members of other faiths follow civil law.

But the parallel system has occasionally faced snags. Joy is a Malay originally known as Azlina Jailani, and by Malaysian law her ethnicity automatically makes her a Muslim subject to Shari'a law. In order to make her 1990 conversion to Christianity legal, she needed permission from the Shari'a courts, which consider a renunciation of Islam a major offense. But, since she is still classified as a Muslim by the state, Joy was not allowed to have her case heard by the civil courts. Her six-year-long campaign to convince the civil system to legalize her conversion failed, prompting her appeal to the Federal Court, after the Court of Appeal rejected her claim in September 2005.

On Wednesday, the Court announced that it had no jurisdiction over the case since it was under the purview of Shari'a law, effectively punting on any attempt to clear up the gray space that exists between Malaysia's two legal systems. The ruling was greeted by shouts of "God is great!" from many in the assembled crowd outside the Palace of Justice in Kuala Lumpur. More secular observers were far less jubilant. "I see this case not just as a question of religious preference but one of a potential dismantling of Malaysia's ... multi-ethnic, multi-religious [character]," warned Malik Imtiaz Sarwar, a member of Joy's legal team, before the decision was announced.

The Joy verdict, which will likely become a precedent for several other pending conversion cases, is seen by many in Malaysia as evidence of how religious politics are cleaving the nation, with a creeping Islamization undermining the rights of both non-Muslims and more moderate adherents to Islam. Last November, at a party conference for the Muslim-dominated United Malays National Organization ruling party, one delegate vowed he would be willing to "bathe in blood" to defend his ethnicity — and, by extension, his religion. In several Malaysian states, forsaking Islam is a crime punishable by prison time.

Earlier this week, Malaysian Prime Minister Abdullah Ahmad Badawi, who in December acknowledged that race relations in his homeland were "fragile," hosted the World Islamic Economic Forum in Kuala Lumpur. In an era where Islam is so often partnered with extremism and autocratic governance, Malaysia was held up at the annual conference as a model of a moderate Muslim nation committed to safeguarding the rights of its diverse population. But the Federal Court's verdict on Joy's case, which represented her last legal recourse, may undercut that reputation. After all, is it complete religious freedom if a 42-year-old woman isn't allowed to follow the faith of her choosing?

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

lots of news, but only one bit right now




I've been plenty busy since my last post, and plenty tired too . . . :) But I think I'm now settled for the summer, and ready to work again! ANXIOUS to work again because I have a deadline!!

Anyway, I'll write more soon about what I've been thinking about recently, hopefully, but this is my biggest (and most expensive!) news: I BOUGHT A CAR! I bought it yesterday.

It's a used car again, but this time I paid a LOT more for the car . . . $5,800 for a 2004 Hyundai Elantra. The engine and transmission are still under Hyundai's warranty for the next 7,000 miles! What I paid is about $2,000 less than what Kelly Blue Book lists for a car like this, but that's because it's been in a small accident and it will be difficult for me to re-sell it when I'm done with the car.

This was definitely an expensive purchase for me, but since I will be saving the $300 in rental car fees (I'm going to B_tes College for reunion next week), I figured that the car *really* only cost me $5,500 and I'm really praying that I won't have to make any major repairs while I own the car.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

disappointment with nasal irrigation . . .

I have a cold. I'm really bummed out because I thought if I washed my sinuses daily it would help keep colds at bay. Well, I'm sick now and even though I think washing my sinuses helps me breathe better . . . I'm still sick! And even Zicam isn't doing that great a job of helping me breathe. I'm not coughing very much, certainly, but . . . I'm still sick!!!!!

Someone really needs to come up with a cure for the common cold. Or at least give me a new nose--one that doesn't catch colds this easily!!!!!!!!!!

I'm moving out of T-House on Monday, and will be staying at H's house for the next week because I can't move into my summer sublet until Monday. The slightly awkward thing about this is that H is leaving for Burma (to do research) on Tues, and I don't really know her husband and son (about 8?) very well. They're lovely and I'm VERY thankful that they're being so generous but I also feel odd being in their space when their mom (friend H) isn't going to be around. I'll probably take the bus to campus in the morning and return only at night.

This is why I cannot wait to settle down into my own apartment and leave behind this peripatetic lifestyle.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Six Weird Things About z

There are more than six weird things about me, but I guess that's the limit I'm allowed to post. :) Alwyn's weirdness-es aren't even that weird! But here goes:


1. My strange health fixations. I can't elaborate on them because there are too many, but anyone who's traveled in a car or plane with me know that I am anal about my back (I carry 3 pillows with me). Chiropractic care and nasal irrigation are probably the two weirdest things I do in terms of personal health practices.

2. My awful laugh. I think I sound like a cross between a banshee and a seal. I can't help it. The more you take me by surprise, the higher my pitch. My closest friends think it's cute, everyone else is just horrified.

3. I have no sense of direction. None at all. North, South, East, West . . . none of that orders my universe, and the very sight of a map nauseates me. Thank God for mapquest and landmarks. I don't mind getting lost because I've gotten lost so often that I know I will always find my way to my destination . . . eventually.

4. I hate writing. People always assume that I do what I do because I like to write--I don't. Writing is a useful practice, and it forces me to work through my thoughts, but I find writing to be very painful, difficult and draining.

5. I hate being at social events, and I especially hate being at social events where strangers outnumber me and my friends. A number of people have told me that they never thought of me as "shy"--which is strange to me--so maybe I come across as "confident" . . . or "arrogant"? Because of my posture (see Weirdness No. 1), I think I generally look poised even if I'm uncomfortable, awkward, or afraid. Basically, if I'm not hanging out with people I've known for a year or more, I'm uncomfortable, shy, and afraid. The older I get, the more suspicious I become of people too, and I find it much harder to develop friendships. Maybe I'm just too tired (people drain me), or maybe I'm disillusioned and cynical, or maybe I care less now . . . . I don't know. I still have to work on this.

6. I love watching TVB Cantonese serials. People usually give me a hard time about this because I'm supposed to be "so intellectual" but hey, we all need our vices, and TVB dramas help me relax. It's also helpful because it's clearly not a genre that I "work on," so I don't feel a need to analyze it. :)

I really could go on and on about my many idiosyncracies, but maybe I should go back to thinking about my dissertation chapter . . . !!!!

I guess I tag anyone who reads this, and who hasn't actually blogged about it yet!! Lai Zen? S__w Y_ng? Cat? Wesley? Thewallah?

Monday, May 14, 2007

Pictures from Deep Springs, CA


I guess it's only been a few days since we got back from D__p Springs College in California, but it already seems like weeks!! We got to Ithaca at about 2am this past Friday, I think. Before getting to the college (which is on a ranch), we drove through Death Valley National Park which was fun. More pictures on my facebook album.

While I was at D__p Springs, I got some exercise from walking around and mowing the lawn (communal labor is a part of their lifestyle) but it still wasn't that much exercise. Yesterday, MIT came up to play against our team for the intercollegiate league championship (we won), and today, I'm very sore especially my calves. I've never felt sore there before, so I suspect it has to do with the long car and plane rides we took to and from Deep Springs.

Need to get back to work, aaahhhhhh!!! One more week in T-house, then I move out and stay with some friends for a week before I can move into my summer sublet. I don't like having to be so transient for so long but well, at least I have a roof over my head!

Thursday, May 03, 2007

tired and traveling again

I'm really tired out by all the T-house drama. In the past, we'd joked around the dinner table about turning T-house into a "Big Brother" show. Let's just say it really wouldn't be such a bad idea. Except that I think if people knew they were being watched, they'd ham it up even more. Their egos are already too big for the house as it is.

Leaving on Sat evening for our trip to D__p Springs, a two-year community college that's apparently pretty famous for being experimental. It's our brother dorm, also funded by the same organization that funds T-house. The college is located on a cattle ranch and alfalfa farm, and it's 4 hours from Las Vegas (where we'll be spending a night) and in a desert area (I LOVE DESERTS!!!!!)

The association's paying for 5 of us from T-house to go so hopefully it'll be fun and restful . . .
I may be able to milk cows if I want to. Wow. Last week, I was wishing that I hadn't signed up for the trip because I'm just so exhausted, but now I'm starting to get really excited about the trip!!!!!!!!

Friday, April 27, 2007

would you believe it?

Shit is hitting the fan at T-house, AGAIN. For all intents and purposes, I'm acting as house-president. This weekend is going to be a very long and hard one. Fingers crossed that we do the ethical thing, but that we will also conduct all processes in a way that minimizes any kind of mob-craziness. T-house is the kind of place that could combust if someone so much as sneezes (not really, but sometimes it feels that way, esp when I suddenly find myself in a position of authority).

What I really should do at the end of the semester is print a t-shirt with the words: "Everything I learned this year, I learned at T-house."

Thursday, April 26, 2007

photos from puebla




I didn't have time/energy to be very touristy when I was at the American Comparative Literature Association (ACLA) annual meeting in Puebla, Mexico. Anyway, there are a few more photos, but not very many. I had a great time at my panels (very productive questions from the audience!!) and I had a lovely time just walking around town and EATING every 20 minutes or so.

I felt constantly full the few days I was there because I just had to try everything I saw. Great pastries, tamales, quesadillas, tacos, churros, and oh, the hot chocolate for dipping churros was so thick it resembled pudding! Not super-sweet like American hot chocolate but thick and chocolat-ey like you wouldn't believe!

Can't resist saying again that I was so very glad to have gone to the conference. The questions I got after I presented my paper were very helpful and I'm so much more interested in this chapter than I was before. Maybe I'm not crazy, and maybe I won't have to throw away what I've written so far, and maybe I don't need to start all over again!!!!!!! Maybe I'll even have fun writing this second chapter.

You don't know how relieved I am.

I also saw some old friends who had graduated and moved on to professorial positions at Yale, University of Pennsylvania, and Amherst College. A couple of them I hadn't seen for 4 years! Chi-Ming and Javier were in their last year of their PhD program when I was a first-year graduate student. It was lovely to see them again, they're all such amazing people. And so generous and wise with advice. :)

two pictures from maryland


Too lazy to upload more pictures! Anyway, here are my friends Dilkushi and Atsuko. Atsuko's finishing up her MA at Cornell, and Dilkushi has graduated with a PhD in Environmental Engineering and is in a post-doc in Maryland.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

back from mexico

Got back at about 1am today, had a GREAT time in Mexico. The conference was very productive, and I got to meet up with people I hadn't seen in years. Very tired now, hope to write more at some point. I am so glad I went to the conference, but now I feel utterly discombobulated and need to find my work rhythm.

Friday, April 13, 2007

good thought

Thanks for the concern. :) I am feeling a bit better, and having folks commiserate is always helpful!

I was talking to someone last week about this, and he said something that stopped me short for awhile. He said, "Well, if you could be writing, you'd be doing it already."

If I could do something, I'd be doing it already? In other words, I'm not doing whatever it is I'm supposed to be doing (reading, writing, whatever) because I'm not ready to do that very thing.

This smacks suspiciously of grace to me, although my friend did not use that word. It reminds me most of Brother Lawrence's reminder that we can "only grow as fast as grace allows."

Whenever I struggle to do something, or when I'm procrastinating, my first impulse is to condemn myself for indiscipline and laziness. And hey, maybe it is laziness. I'm not absolutely convinced of the truth of my friend's comment.

But I'm willing to think it over.

Sunday, April 08, 2007

a little better

The past few days were awful, and I don't know why. I had neither energy, focus, nor interest in anything. I took yesterday completely off, and just stayed in bed watching TV . . . again. :) I do that a lot these days. But usually I only watch TV after I've gotten in a good day's work!

But the past few days, I was so despondent and lethargic I couldn't even bring myself to go to the gym, and I'm usually a pretty disciplined person. It's funny, the world literally seemed like a dark and joyless place.

Finally went to the gym this afternoon and my spirits have lifted some. Truly, I cannot do this by myself. If I get through this part of my life (and whatever else that comes next), I know I'm not living by my strength alone.

(Even now I feel gloom returning a little, but at least I had a brief respite.)

Thursday, April 05, 2007

health

i'm a bit of a hypochondriac, but i also often take good health for granted. i take it for granted that i will be able (and willing!) to go to the gym regularly, push myself on the badminton court, and eat anything i want whenever i want to without worrying about aches, pains, or discomfort.

the stomach bug this past weekend reminded me just how much i tolerate any kind of discomfort or inconvenience. i don't have a chronic/recurring disease (although i am completely anal about taking care of my back) and i generally live a pain-free life . . . some people aren't quite so blessed.

whenever something does go wrong, i go nuts trying to control it. but really, should i expect to have so much control over my life or body? i need to have responsible habits, yes, but those habits don't guarantee a pain/discomfort-free life and i need to accept that.

(basically, i'm writing this post because i don't know how to write the next paragraph in chap 2 of the dissertation. but also because i really do have to learn to accept the fact that i cannot control everything that goes on in my life.)

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

whacked out right now

got some kind of funny stomach bug over the weekend. feeling mostly better now. it didn't affect my appetite though. just ate as i pleased, and then used the bathroom whenever i needed to. one of my housemates is still really sick with a stomach bug (he got it before me), and another one has viral meningitis. someone once described living at t-ride as living in a petri dish. don't think that's too far off the mark.

fighting off panic attacks and trying to take one day at a time. trying to do one thing at a time, and trying to think about one thing at a time. relax . . . relax . . . relax . . .

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

looking in the mirror

Last weekend, after a phone conversation with an old friend, Karen (currently in Arkansas), I had to face up to the fact that I'm less logical than I'd like to believe. I don't mean to say that there aren't reasons that inform my thoughts and actions, but that those reasons follow the "logic" of the situation less than they do the logics of my heart. By that I mean that the values I hold important will motivate the decisions I make.

To me, my decisions are highly logical, but they are often logical only within the value-system that makes up my world-view and they may not always seem logical to someone else. But besides that, without consciously choosing to do so, I will make decisions that will cause the least emotional disturbance in my life. And to me, that is also very "logical" but someone who does not share the same fears or joys will not think me very "logical." :)

In other words, my emotions and intuition are often dominate my thought-processes rather than the "cold hard facts" (if it's every possible to see the world that way!) of what's happening "outside" of me.

This explains why my old college buddy, Cat, often had to stop me from time to time and give me "the look." She gives me "the look" whenever I'm doing something that makes perfect z-sense, but can often be strange or sometimes inappropriate to everyone else.

Thank God for friends like Cat and Karen who help me become more adept at navigating life!

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

9 more weeks of school

Got back from Dilkushi's last night, will put up some pictures soon. Am actually more tired from the long drive than I thought I would be. It was really wonderful spending time with Dilkushi and Atsuko though. :) I didn't want to come back here!

Friday, March 23, 2007

Spring Break comes to an end

This past week has been more or less miserable. I did very little work (great!), watched a lot of TVB on my laptop (that was fun, even if I feel incredibly guilty!) and basically took things easy because I came back from the Boston team tournament with a very bad cold.

Had a lot of fun in Boston watching (shivering under a blanket) and playing badminton, but it also made me wish badminton has been more of a part of my life. I just wish I could play better but learning to play well just takes so much discipline, work and time. That made me a little sad. And it made me wonder again why I'm even in a PhD program in the first place. Well, I'm always wondering that anyway, so nothing's new, I guess. And nothing's new about the fact that I don't have any answers yet!

I have one year left to go and I will finish the dissertation . . . I will! I'm so close!! But what do I want to do after that?? I don't know what I want out of life. I don't know what's important to me.

I miss home, I miss not having to think and constantly be on my guard when I'm at home. I'm a child again when I go home. But that's not exactly a "life goal." I'm getting more and more cynical about what I can do as a professor. I still enjoy teaching, but . . . I don't know.

I don't think I can work for an NGO because, well, I'm even more cynical about work like that! Journalism and publishing are out. I've always preferred to read rather than write. And right now, I'd just much rather not think. I'm running out of ambition and drive. And maybe that's why I'm feeling down . . . but I don't exactly want to keep going on ambition and drive. I'm tired. I'm tired of always having to be strong. I'm tired of always having to "do better" and to "go further." I'm tired of having to always prove myself.

People think I'm smart. I don't feel smart. People think I'm strong. I don't feel strong. People think I write well, and I've never felt like a good writer! Every good thing that I do, I do by accident! If I said or did something smart, it was an accident! A whim! Instinct at best! I've never consciously done something smart. It really drives me nuts because I feel like I'm expected to keep "succeeding" and I don't know how long this will last. And when I don't "succeed," then what happens?

This post is a moment of weakness, but these thoughts have been on my mind for a very long time now, and I guess I just wanted to share them with the few friends whom I know read this blog. :) Don't worry about me, I'll be okay. I just have to get this off my chest.

Oh, and don't ask me any questions either, I won't be able to answer them!

I'm leaving tomorrow afternoon to drive down to Maryland with Atsuko--we're visiting Dilkushi for the weekend! I'm hoping that being away from Cornell will give me some perspective. It's a 6-hr drive and we won't be back until late Sunday night, I hope.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

house business

I just spent the entire night doing house business. From 8-11:30pm. Aaahhhh!!!

I guess it's "okay" because I was too tired to think about my work anyway. And I am finding out that I don't really mind administrative tasks. At least there is instant gratification!

(Unlike writing and revising parts of a dissertation.)

Thursday, March 08, 2007

A Story of Homecoming

Excerpt from Henri Nouwen's "The Return of the Prodigal Son":

What happened to the son in the distant country? Aside from all the material and physical consequences, what were the inner consequences of the son's leaving home? The sequence of events is quite predictable. The farther I run away from the place where God dwells, the less I am able to hear the voice that calls me the Beloved, and the less I hear that voice, the more entangled I become in the manipulations and power games of the world.

It goes somewhat like this: I am not so sure anymore that I have a safe home, and I observe other people who seem to be better off than I. I wonder how I can get to where they are. I try hard to please, to achieve success, to be recognized. When I fail, I feel jealous or resentful of these others. When I succeed, I worry that others will be jealous or resentful of me. I become suspicious or defensive and increasingly afraid that I won't get what I so much desire or will lose what I already have.

Caught in this tangle of needs and wants, I no longer know my own motivations. I feel victimized by my surroundings and distrustful of what others are doing or saying. Always on my guard, I lose my inner freedom and start dividing the world into those who are for me and those who are against me. I wonder if anyone really cares. I start looking for validations of my distrust. And wherever I go, I see them, and I say: "No one can be trusted." And then I wonder whether anyone ever really loved me. The world around me becomes dark. My heart grows heavy. My body is filled with sorrows. My life loses meaning. I have become a lost soul (page 47).

. . . . The younger son's return takes place in the very moment that he claims his sonship, even though he has lost all dignity that belongs to it. In fact, it was the lost of everything that brought him to the bottom line of his identity. . . . This realization became the basis for his choice to live instead of die. Once he had come again in touch with the truth of his sonship, he could hear--although faintly--the voice calling him the Beloved, and feel--although distantly--the touch of blessing.

This awareness and confidence in his father's love, misty as it may have been, gave him the strength to claim for his sonship, even though that claim could not be based on any merit (page 49).

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

feeling a bit better

Last night I was hit by a wave of homesickness, it was horrible. Took half the night off to IM with a couple of friends, and then watched an episode of an old Hong Kong TV series (Cold Blood Warm Heart) that I didn't get to watch in its entirety when it came out. This morning I had to quickly review 4 pages of Cantonese characters that I forgot were included in my Cantonese exam this morning. Didn't have too much time to memorize it because I also had to rush to my chiropractor's right before the exam.

Anyway, I know I got 4 characters wrong because there were all from the pages I forgot I had to memorize. Oh well. Whatever, I'm doing this for fun so I'm not going to stress out about it.

I'm feeling a little better now, and will be working on Draft 2 of that chapter I finished a couple of weeks back. The portion from the chapter that I sent in to the journal last week should be good to go, but there's a whole other 20 pages that need serious revising.

All in all, this is as good a start to the week as I can hope for!

The wind is blowing like CRAZY, and it's cold all over again. Tonight and tomorrow are going to be very cold days. Sigh. And I was hoping that winter would be over.

Friday, March 02, 2007

done with one thing

blessings: turning in my paper one day before the deadline.

blessings: Jade's and Kate's friendship, generosity, and wisdom.

not blessings: feeling so horrible I feel like throwing up.

(And no, it's not a health issue; more of a state of heart/mind)

Saturday, February 24, 2007

another weekend

Okay, maybe I was exaggerating a little in the last post . . . I have a pretty sweet life.

But I'm also exhausted.

Friday, February 23, 2007

hmm . . .

I use the phrase "SO much fun" a lot in this blog.

And I don't know if it's because the fun things I get to do really are that much fun, or if the rest of my life is so miserable that the regular, pleasurable parts of "normal" people's lives are events that send me into throes of ecstasy precisely because they are so infrequent and unusual.

I prefer to think it's the former.
I need to think it's the former.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

oops, forgot this story

This conversation took place as H-nok and I left Libe Slope to walk back to our dorm:

Me: Traying was SO much fun! This is what Ithaca is good for! And we should do it before we're too old to do this kind of thing anymore, you know.

H: Uhm, no, we're already too old for this.

Me: That's okay, no one can tell. We're too bundled up.

see-saw

I feel like I live on a see-saw.

I feel like quitting! Writing a dissertation is too difficult. Every time I have to start over again, it's just as difficult as it was the last time. Maybe it's more difficult because my body and mind just wants to stay relaxed.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

good day!

We got about 2 feet of snow in one day! That is what a Northeastern winter should look like!! Snow by the foot, not by the inch!

Afternoon classes were canceled because it was too dangerous for staff/faculty to drive in. After dinner, a bunch of us from our dorm grabbed trays and went up to the Library Slope (pretty steep!) to slide down the hill. H-nok and I stayed on the least steep student-made "slide" (basically the part where the ice is all packed down from everyone traying on it) while the others went on the steeper sections of the hill. It was very, very fun!!!

After that, we spent some time digging H-nok's car out of the snow. That was not so much fun, but still.

Also met with friends Jade and Susan in the afternoon, and they gave me feedback on the first draft. It was REALLY helpful, and I think I have a sense of how I want to work on the revisions now. Yay!

Sunday, February 11, 2007

more procrastination in light of my MAJOR march 1 deadline


this is what I see when I look at my laptop screen . . .

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

best pork chops EVER

Our new weekend cook subbed for lunch today, and he made the BEST pork chops I've had during my entire 9 years in the US. No kidding. EVER!!

I have to work extra hard at tonight's badminton practice to work off all that pork I inhaled.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

winter

Btw, the weather on the right doesn't take into account wind chill!!!

It's crazy cold over here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!