Tuesday, March 25, 2008

mourn

and to think . . . al-qaeda and osama bin laden weren't even in iraq in the first place . . .

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US death toll hits 4,000

Published: March 25, 2008

By the time Specialist Jerry Ryen King decided to write about his experiences in Iraq, the teen-age paratrooper had more to share than most soldiers.

Messages From the Front

Excerpts from the e-mail messages, journals and Web postings of five soldiers who died in Iraq since Jan. 1, 2007. Warning: Some entries contain language that could be offensive to readers.

Specialist Jerry Ryen King

Spc. Jerry Ryen King "I have to say that the events that I have encountered here have changed my outlook on life."

Staff Sgt. Juan Campos

Staff Sgt. Juan Campos "I can't wait to get out of this place and return to you where I belong."

Specialist Daniel E. Gomez

Specialist Daniel E. Gomez "If you're reading this, then something has happen to me and I am sorry."

Pfc. Daniel J. Agami

Pfc. Daniel J. Agami "I was convoyed up to northern Iraq to learn a new weapon system. It soooooooo cool..."

Pfc. Ryan J. Hill

Pfc. Ryan J. Hill "I can't stop asking why? The more I think the more I cry."

In two operations to clear the outskirts of the village of Turki in the deadly Diyala Province, Specialist King and the rest of the Fifth Squadron faced days of firefights, grenade attacks and land mines. Well-trained insurgents had burrowed deep into muddy canals, a throwback to the trenches of World War I. As the fighting wore on, B-1 bombers and F-16s were called in to drop a series of powerful bombs.

Once the area was clear of insurgents, the squadron, part of the 82nd Airborne Division, uncovered hidden caches with thousands of weapons.

Two months later, Specialist King, a handsome former honors student and double-sport athlete from Georgia, sat down at his computer. In informal but powerful prose, he began a journal.

After 232 long, desolate, morose, but somewhat days of tranquility into deployment, I’ve decided that I should start writing some of the things I experienced here in Iraq. I have to say that the events that I have encountered here have changed my outlook on life...

The most recent mission started out as a 24-36 hour air-assault sniper mission in a known al-Qaida stronghold just north of Baghdad. We landed a few hours before daybreak and as soon as I got off the helicopter my night vision broke, I was surrounded by the sound of artillery rounds, people screaming in Arabic, automatic weapons, and the terrain didn’t look anything like what we were briefed. I knew it was going to be a bad day and a half.

Jerry Ryen King, journal entry, March 7, 2007

A month later, Specialist King was sitting inside his combat outpost, an abandoned school in Sadah, when suicide bombers exploded two dump trucks just outside the building. The school collapsed, killing Specialist King on April 23, 2007, along with eight other soldiers, and making the blast one of the most lethal for Americans fighting in Iraq.

In that instant, Specialist King became one of 4,000 service members and Defense Department civilians to die in the Iraq war — a milestone that was reached late Sunday, five years since the war began in March 2003. The last four members of that group, like the majority of the most recent 1,000 to die, were killed by an improvised explosive device. They died at 10 p.m. Sunday on a patrol in Baghdad, military officials said; their names have not yet been released.

The next day we cleared an area that made me feel as if I were in Vietnam. Honestly, it was one of the scariest times of my life. At one point I was in water up to my waist and heard an AK fire in my direction. But all in all the day was going pretty good, no one was hurt, I got to shoot a few rounds, toss a grenade, and we were walking to where the helicopter was supposed to pick us up.

Jerry Ryen King, journal entry, March 7, 2007

The year 2007 would prove to be especially hard on American service members; more of them died last year than in any other since the war began. Many of those deaths came in the midst of the 30,000-troop buildup known as “the surge,” the linchpin of President Bush’s strategy to tamp down widespread violence between Islamic Sunnis and Shiites, much of it in the country’s capital, Baghdad. In April, May and June alone, 331 American service members died, making it the deadliest three-month period since the war began.

But by fall, the strategy, bolstered by new alliances with Sunni tribal chiefs and a decision by the Shiite cleric Moktada al-Sadr to order his militia to stop fighting, appeared to be paying off as the country entered a period of relative calm. Military casualties and Iraqi civilian deaths fell, and the October-December period produced the fewest casualties of any three months of the war. The past month, though, has seen an uptick in killings and explosions, particularly suicide bombings. Much of the violence has traveled north to Mosul, where the group calling itself Al Qaeda in Mesopotamia remains strong.

Everything changed in a matter of 15 minutes... About the time I was opening my MRE (meal ready to eat) I heard an explosion. Everyone started running towards the sound of the explosion. Apparently a suicide bomber had blown himself up killing four soldiers from my squadron and injuring another. Our 36 hour mission turned into another air- assault into a totally different city, the clearing of it, and 5 more days. We did find over 100 RPG’s, IED making materials, insurgents implacing IED’s, artillery rounds, a sniper rifle, and sort of like a terrorist training book and cd’s.

Jerry Ryen King, journal entry, March 7, 2007

Unlike the soldiers of previous wars, who were only occasionally able to send letters back home to loved ones, many of those who died left behind an extraordinary electronic testimony describing in detail the labor, the fears and the banality of serving in Iraq.

In excerpts published here from journals, blogs and e-mail messages, five soldiers who died in the most recent group of 1,000 mostly skim the alarming particulars of combat, a kindness shown their relatives and close friends. Instead, they plunge readily into the mundane, but no less important rhythms of home. They fire off comments about holiday celebrations, impending weddings, credit card bills, school antics and the creeping anxiety of family members who are coping with one deployment too many.

At other moments, the service members describe the humor of daily life down range, as they call it. Hurriedly, with little time to worry about spelling or grammar, they riff on the chaos around them and reveal moments of fear. As casualties climb and the violence intensifies, so does their urge to share their grief and foreboding.

A Last Goodbye

Hey beautiful well we were on blackout again, we lost yet some more soldiers. I cant wait to get out of this place and return to you where i belong. I dont know how much more of this place i can take. i try to be hard and brave for my guys but i dont know how long i can keep that up you know. its like everytime we go out, any little bump or sounds freaks me out. maybe im jus stressin is all. hopefully ill get over it....

you know, you never think that anything is or can happen to you, at first you feel invincible, but then little by little things start to wear on you...

well im sure well be able to save a couple of bucks if you stay with your mom....and at the same time you can help her with some of the bills for the time being. it doesnt bother me. as long as you guys are content is all that matters. I love and miss you guys like crazy. I know i miss both of you too. at times id like to even just spend 1 minute out of this nightmare just to hold and kiss you guys to make it seem a little bit easier. im sure he will like whatever you get him for xmas, and i know that as he gets older he’ll understand how things work. well things here always seem to be......uhm whats the word.....interesting i guess you can say. you never know whats gonna happen and thats the worst part. do me a favor though, when you go to my sisters or moms or wherever you see my family let them know that i love them very much..ok? well i better get going, i have a lot of stuff to do. but hopefully ill get to hear from you pretty soon.*muah* and hugs. tell mijo im proud of him too!

love always,
your other half
Juan Campos, e-mail message to his wife, Dec. 12, 2006.

When Staff Sgt. Juan Campos, 27, flew from Baghdad to Texas for two weeks last year, there was more on his mind than rest and relaxation. He visited his father’s grave, which he had never seen. He spent time with his grandparents and touched base with the rest of his rambling, extended family.

The day he was scheduled to return to war, Sergeant Campos and his wife went out dancing and drinking all evening with friends. Calm and reserved by nature, Sergeant Campos could out-salsa and out-hip-hop most anyone on the dance floor. At the airport, his wife, Jamie Campos, who had grown used to the upheaval of deployment, surprised herself.

“I cried and I have never ever cried before,” said Mrs. Campos, 26, who has a 9-year-old son, Andre. “It was just really, really weird. He knew, and I kind of knew. It felt different.”

“We both felt that it was the last goodbye,” she said.

Tuesday, Oct. 3, 2006
Mood: gloomy
The life of an infantryman is never safe..how do I know, well I live it every day.

I lost a good friend of mine just two days ago to an enemy sniper. The worst feeling in the world is having lost one of your own and not being able to fight back. The more I go on patrol, the more alert I tend to be, but regardless of the situation here in Iraq is that we are never safe. No matter the countermeasures we take to prevent any attacks. They seem to seep through the cracks. Every day a soldier is lost or wounded by enemy attacks. I for one would like to make it home to my family one day. Pray for us and keep us in your thoughts...for an infantryman’s life is never safe.

Juan Campos, Myspace blog

Sergeant Campos, a member of the First Battalion, 26th Infantry, Charlie Company out of Germany, was one of thousands of infantrymen assigned to stabilize Baghdad and the surrounding areas last year during the troop buildup. Troops were sent deep into insurgent neighborhoods, where they lived in small outposts, patrolled on foot, cleared houses, mingled with Iraqis and rebuilt the infrastructure.

The extra 30,000 service members — 160,000 in all — were deployed to Iraq to help quell the runaway violence that threatened large-scale civil war. Most soldiers spent 15 months in Iraq, a length of time that military commanders have said is unsustainable. Many had fought in the war at least once. A few had been in Iraq multiple times.

My only goals are to make it out of this place alive and return you guys and make you as happy as I can.

Juan Campos, e-mail message to his wife, Dec. 15, 2006.

But to Sergeant Campos and the rest of Charlie Company in Adhamiya, a north Baghdad stronghold for Sunni insurgents, the buildup seemed oddly invisible. The men patrolled almost every day, sometimes 16 to 18 hours a day for months, often in 120-degree weather. Exhaustion was too kind a word for their fatigue.

More than 150 soldiers lived in a two-story house with portable toilets, no air-conditioning and temperamental showers. Sleep came only a few hours at a time. The fighting was vicious. Adhamiya was such a magnet for sectarian bloodletting that the military built a wall around it to contain the violence.

“They walled us in and left us there,” Staff Sgt. Robin Johnson, 28, said of the 110 men in Charlie Company. “We were a family. I would die for these guys before I die for my own blood brother.”

On patrol, sniper fire rang out so routinely that soldiers in Sergeant Campos’s platoon seldom stood still for more than four seconds. They scoured rooftops for Iraqi children who lobbed grenades at American soldiers for a handful of cash. Roadside bombs burst from inside drainage pipes, impossible to detect from the street. The bombs grew larger by the month.

Last year, these powerful improvised explosive devices, known as I.E.D.s were responsible for a majority of American fatalities, a new milestone. The bombs also killed multiple soldiers more often than in the past, a testament to their potency.

“It was the most horrible thing you could possibly imagine,” Sergeant Johnson said. “As soon as you left the gate, you could die at any second. If you went out for a day and you weren’t attacked, it was confusing.”

Charlie Company soldiers found a steady stream of Iraqis murdered by insurgents for money or revenge. Some had their faces wiped clean by acid. Others were missing their heads or limbs.

'It Could Have Been Me'

to tell the story of iraq is a hard one.

Ryan Wood, Myspace blog.

Sgt. Ryan M. Wood, 22, a gifted artist, prolific writer and a sly romantic from Oklahoma, was also one of the bluntest soldiers inside Charlie Company.

it is fighting extreme boredom with the lingering thought in the forefront of your mind that any minute on this patrol could be my last endeavour, only highlighted by times of such extreme terror and an adrenaline rush that no drug can touch. what [expletive] circumstances thinking “that should’ve been me” or “it could’ve been me”. wondering it that pile of trash will suddenly explode killing you or worse one of your beloved comrads..only backed by the past thoughts and experiences of really losing friends of yours and not feeling completely hopeless that it was all for nothing because all in all, you know the final outcome of this war. it is walking on that thin line between sanity and insanity. that feeling of total abandonment by a government and a country you used to love because politics are fighting this war......and its a losing battle....and we’re the ones ultimently paying the price.

Ryan Wood, Myspace blog, Adhamiya

For the soldiers in Iraq, reconciling Adhamiya with America was not always easy. One place was buried in garbage and gore and hopelessness. The other seemed unmoored from the war, fixated on the minutia of daily life and the hiccups of the famous. The media was content to indulge.

WHAT THE HELL AMERICA??

“What the hell happened?” any intelligent American might ask themselves throughout their day. While the ignorant, dragging themselves to thier closed off cubicle, contemplate the simple things in life such as “fast food tonight?” or “I wonder what motivated Brittany Spears to shave her unsightly, mishaped domepiece?”

To the simpleton, this news might appear “devastating.” I assume not everyone thinks this way, but from my little corner of the earth, Iraq, a spot in the world a majority of Americans could’nt point out on the map, it certainly appears so. This little piece of truly, heart-breaking news captured headlines and apparently American imaginations as FOX news did a two hour, truly enlightening piece of breaking news history. American veiwers watched intently, and impatiently as the pretty colors flashed and the media exposed the inner workings of Brittany’s obviously, deep character. I was amazed, truly dumbfounded wondering how we as Americans have sank so low. To all Americans I have but one phrase that helps me throughout my day of constant dangers and ever present death around the corner, “WHO THE [expletive] CARES!” Wow America, we have truly become a nation of self-absorbed retards. ... This world has serious problems and it’s time for America to start addressing them.

Ryan Wood, Myspace blog, May 26, 2007

The somberness of the job was hard to shake off. But, day to day, there was no more reliable antidote than Pfc. Daniel J. Agami, a South Floridian with biceps the size of cantaloupes, and Pfc. Ryan J. Hill, a self-described hellion who loved his “momma” and hailed from what he called the “felony flats” of Oregon. Funny men in the best sense of the word, the two provided a valuable and essential commodity in a war zone.

Their mother jokes — the kind that begin, “your mother is so...” — were legendary, culminating in a Myspace joke-off. It ended abruptly after an enough-is-enough phone call from Private Hill’s mother, who ranked No. 1 on his list of heroes in Myspace. Private Agami proclaimed victory.

About a month later...I went to my room and my mattress was missing and all my close were being worn by other people. I couldn’t figure it out so I knew right off the bat to go to Hill. I saw him walking down the hall wearing five of my winter jackets. He sold half my wardrobe right off his back to people in our company and my mattress was in someone else’s room. So then I had go to around and buy all my stuff back. (Now I think he won).

Daniel J. Agami, Charlie Company. Eulogy sent via e-mail message to his mother, Jan. 29, 2007

To keep their spirits up, combat soldiers learned to appreciate the incongruities of war in Iraq. Jokes scrawled inside a Port-o-Potty quickly made the rounds. Situational humor, from goofy to macabre, proved plentiful.

A really girly guy who was a cheerleader in high school, got knocked down and nearly hurt by the wind of the helicopter. Listening to Dickson recite what was in every single MRE was pretty funny. A cow charged and nearly trampled one of my friends when we were raiding a compound. And lastly, I thought that it was pretty comical that I shot at a guy a long ways out but missed and later after taking his house and using it as a patrol base he offered me Chai and rice.

Jerry Ryen King, Diyala Province

Even a trip to the dentist, with its fringe benefits, is cause for amusement in a war zone.

Last Sat. I had two of my wisdom teeth pulled. After taking double the prescribe percocot and morphine pills that the doctor gave me for the pain I decided to catch a flight back to my FOB (forward operation base). It was the coolest Blackhawk ride I’ve had, I was absolutely ripped and I talked the pilots into leaving the doors open. We had four more guys die a couple days ago. They hit an IED, it killed everyone in the humvee.. It’s starting to get a little scary. We made it our first six months with just two deaths and that was plenty. But now just in the past two and a half weeks we’ve had nine more guys get killed, and over 50 wounded. I’m just hoping that I can make it the 75 more days or so that we have left of combat operations before we start packing.

Jerry Ryen King, journal entry, April 11, 2007

Among the guys in Charlie Company, Private Agami, 25, was among the boldest and close to impossible to depress. He was the kind of guy who joined an endurance ski contest on a whim. He came in fourth. He had never skied in his life.

Private Agami had time for everyone, and everyone had time for him. Affectionately called GI Jew, he held his religion up to the light. He used it to build tolerance among the troops and shatter stereotypes; few in his unit had ever met a Jew. He flew the Israeli flag over his cot in Adhamiya. He painted the words Hebrew Hammer onto his rifle. He even managed to keep kosher, a feat that required a steady diet of protein shakes and cereal.

Commander Mom, I cant wait to come home and when I do, dont worry ill have allot to say to the congregation. Dont worry about my mental stage either, we all receive counseling and help from doctors when something like this happens. I am a strong individual physically and mentally and if there is one thing the army teaches you, it is how to deal with death. Everyday that passes it gets easier and easier. I miss you guys very much and I love you!

Daniel Agami, e-mail message to his mother, Oct. 28, 2006

It did not get easier.

I try not to cry. I have never cried this much my entire life. two great men got taken from us way too soon. i wonder why it was them in not me. I sit here right now wondering why did they go to the gates of heaven n not me. I try everynight count my blessing that I made it another day but why are we in this hell over here? why? i cant stop askin why?

Ryan Hill, Myspace blog, Nov. 1, 2006

Private Hill was riding in a Humvee on Jan. 20, 2007 when an I.E.D. buried in the middle of the road detonated under his seat, killing him instantly.

Sergeant Campos was riding in a Humvee on May 14, 2007, two weeks after returning from Texas, when it hit an I.E.D. The bomb lifted the Humvee five feet off the ground and engulfed it in flames. “That’s when we just left hope at the door,” Sergeant. Johnson said. Severely burned over 80 percent of his body, Sergeant Campos lived two weeks. He died June 1. Another soldier, Pfc. Nicholas S. Hartge, 20, of Indiana, died in the same attack.

Private Agami was driving a Bradley fighting vehicle on June 21, 2007 when it hit an I.E.D. The explosion flipped the 30-ton vehicle, which also carried Sergeant Wood. Both men were killed, along with three other soldiers and an Iraqi interpreter.

“Obviously, it came to a point, you didn’t care anymore if it got better,” said Staff Sgt. Jeremy S. Rausch, 31, one of Sergeant Campos’s best friends in Charlie Company. “You didn’t care about the people because they didn’t care about themselves. We had already lost enough people that we just thought, you know, ‘why?’ ”

During their time in Adhamiya, the soldiers of Charlie Company caught more than two dozen high-value targets, found nearly 50 weapons caches, detained innumerable insurgents and won countless combat awards. They lost 14 men. Their mission was hailed a success.

Just in Case

Texan to the core, enamored of the military, Specialist Daniel E. Gomez, 21, an Army combat medic in the division’s Alpha Company, relied on his books, his iPod and an Xbox to distract him from the swirl.

strange but this place where we are at is unreal almost. I hope I come back mentally in shape. lol.

Daniel Gomez, Myspace blog, Sept. 9, 2006

He took pride in being the guy who tended to wounded soldiers under fire, patching them up to help them survive. He did not hesitate to do the same for Iraqis.

this iraqi national who I have to say was extremely lucky that he escaped with only sharpnel wounds (metal fragments that fly away from a bomb) when he was standin near a car bomb that was aimed at Iraqi police patrol. Turns out it blow up just when we were passin by soo we had to stop and help. He really was not that lucky though...He had sharpnel to the ankle (it was also broken), to the calf and in the stomach. And he lost his 2 sons in the blast. this [expletive] happens everyday here. [Expletive] insurgents. Anyhow there are more pictures.

Daniel Gomez, e-mail message to friends and family, Sept. 15, 2006

As the violence intensified, Specialist Gomez set aside thoughts of a free Iraq or a safer America and, like generations of soldiers before him, simply started fighting for the soldier next to him.

A few days ago I realized why I am here in Baghdad dealing with all the gunfire, the rocket attacks, the IEDs, the car bombs, the death. I have only been here going on a month and a half. Already I have seen what war really is... but officially its called “full spectrum operations.” No I don’t down Bush, he is my CinC, and I think he is doing an good job with what Clinton left him. I don’t debate why we are involved in Iraq. I just know why I am here. It is not for the smiling Iraqi kids, or the even the feeling of wearing the uniform ( it feels damn good though :) . I am here for the soldier on patrol with me.

But why are you there in the states. Why are you having that nice dinner, watching TV, going out on dates...

Daniel Gomez, e-mail to friends and family. Sept. 27, 2006

And then Specialist Gomez fell in love. An e-mail flirtation with Katy Broom, his sister’s close friend, gradually led to a cyber exchange of guarded promises about the future. Headed home for a rest break in May, the tentativeness lifted and they began to rely on each other to get through the day. The two joked about “the best sex we never had.”

...this R&R there is someone new in my life. Exactly what she is too me, and what I am to her is uncertain, but its not really important at the moment. Just the thought that I could spent a second of my life with her, before I have to come back here makes everything worth it.

Daniel Gomez, Myspace blog, May 9, 2007

Rest and relaxation in Georgia went better than expected. He fell in love with the love of his life all over again, this time in person. The couple shared one kiss during his leave.

“He was everything I expected and more,” said Ms. Broom, 20, who spent one week and two days with him. “It was kind of surreal when we met. It’s almost like a perfect love and war story.”

Not many soldiers leave behind a just-in-case letter. Specialist Gomez did. He handed Ms. Broom an envelope at the airport with the words, “Don’t read unless something happens to me.”

On July 18, 2007, two months after his leave, Specialist Gomez died in Adhamiya when the Bradley fighting vehicle he was in struck a roadside bomb. The explosion and flames also killed three other soldiers.

Ms. Broom waited three days after she got word to open the letter. She sat alone in the couple’s favorite spot, her apartment balcony.

“I was very thankful that he wrote it,” she said of the letter. “I have opened and closed it so many times, I’m surprised it hasn’t fallen apart.”

R+R 2007

Hey baby. If you’re reading this, then something has happen to me and I am sorry. I promised you I would come back to you, but I guess it was a promise I could not keep. You know I never believe in writing “death letters.” I knew if I left one for my folks it would scare them. Then I met you. We were supposed to meet, darling. I needed someone to make me smile, someone that was an old romantic like I was. I was going through a very rough time in Iraq and I was startin to doubt my mental state. Then one day after a patrol, I go to my facebook and there you were...

I can’t stop crying while I writing this letter, but I have to talk to you one last time, because maybe the last time I heard your voice I did not know it would be the last time I heard your voice....

I Love You. Go be happy, go raise a family. Teach your kids right from wrong, and have faith, darling. I think I knew I loved you even before I met. I love you, Katy. * Kiss * Goodbye

Monday, March 24, 2008

blogs

I really like reading my friends' blogs, so I hope everyone keeps writing, even if it's about mundane news! Reading people's blog remind me of the many different ways in which life can be lived, and it gives me a bit of a break from my own, in some ways!

I've been spending a lot of time working in my office because I have a view of the lake. My computer is set up so that I am always facing the window, so no matter how messy my section of the shared office space is, I can more or less ignore it because all I see is the view outside the window! I'm currently trying to finish a draft of Chap 1, and after I turn that in, I'll take pictures of my desk. I hope to turn it in sometime this upcoming week. Oh, I also need to do my taxes. UGH!

There are four people in my office, and usually only Tom and I are in here on a regular basis. There's also a couch, which is nice because I get tired of sitting at the desk all the time. The office is also warmer than my apt!

Thursday, March 13, 2008

hiatus

Lots to do now to finish up here before moving on to the "left coast." Probably will not do too much blogging. Will try to visit the blogs I usually visit, but I may not be able to, or may not leave comments. I still care about everyone, I'm just overwhelmed!

Monday, March 10, 2008

oops

I set aside some pineapple so that I could make sweet and sour pork. Well, I made the sweet and sour pork but I forgot to put the pineapple in. Sigh. It still tasted good, but . . . .

I haven't thought about the dissertation since Friday morning, because I have just been so exhausted. The emotional toll of the year is telling on me. I have to get started again tomorrow, and I really have to get going on this now.

But, wow, I really am just bone-tired.

Friday, March 07, 2008

shaking hands

I just got the news that I will be in UCLA on a postdoc for the next two years.

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Adrenaline that comes from teaching.

Class discussion went pretty well today, and I was reminded again of why I am in this business. I left the classroom really pleased and happy. I think if I am able to teach in the future, I'd want a class slot that starts at about 10am--students are awake, it's early enough that I don't spend a lot of time on class prep, and I finish teaching early enough in the day that I'm energized to keep working.

The last few days were really stressful because I heard rumors on Sunday night that the department may not fund those of us who will be in our 7th years. Well, I'm still keeping my fingers and toes crossed. Sigh.

10:47pm -- I must say that I've been at peace all day, and that's been a real gift.

Saturday, March 01, 2008

one cycle over

Well, I wrote to the C college and turned down their job offer. And I turned it down not knowing if I will have funding for next year. This is not how I usually make my life decisions. Usually, I have all my cards in place and every thing is more or less lined up. This is a big leap of faith for me.

When I was visiting with my cousin and her husband in Singapore, we watched the Singaporean version of the American game show "Deal, or No Deal?," and that was my introduction to the game show.

Now, I feel like that game show perfectly describes my life. I just told The Banker, "No Deal."

Friday, February 29, 2008

why I get headaches

Published: February 26, 2008, New York Times.

The next time you’re juggling options — which friend to see, which house to buy, which career to pursue — try asking yourself this question: What would Xiang Yu do?

Xiang Yu was a Chinese general in the third century B.C. who took his troops across the Yangtze River into enemy territory and performed an experiment in decision making. He crushed his troops’ cooking pots and burned their ships.

He explained this was to focus them on moving forward — a motivational speech that was not appreciated by many of the soldiers watching their retreat option go up in flames. But General Xiang Yu would be vindicated, both on the battlefield and in the annals of social science research.

He is one of the role models in Dan Ariely’s new book, “Predictably Irrational,” an entertaining look at human foibles like the penchant for keeping too many options open. General Xiang Yu was a rare exception to the norm, a warrior who conquered by being unpredictably rational.

Most people can’t make such a painful choice, not even the students at a bastion of rationality like the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, where Dr. Ariely is a professor of behavioral economics. In a series of experiments, hundreds of students could not bear to let their options vanish, even though it was obviously a dumb strategy (and they weren’t even asked to burn anything).

The experiments involved a game that eliminated the excuses we usually have for refusing to let go. In the real world, we can always tell ourselves that it’s good to keep options open.

You don’t even know how a camera’s burst-mode flash works, but you persuade yourself to pay for the extra feature just in case. You no longer have anything in common with someone who keeps calling you, but you hate to just zap the relationship.

Your child is exhausted from after-school soccer, ballet and Chinese lessons, but you won’t let her drop the piano lessons. They could come in handy! And who knows? Maybe they will.

In the M.I.T. experiments, the students should have known better. They played a computer game that paid real cash to look for money behind three doors on the screen. (You can play it yourself, without pay, at tierneylab.blogs.nytimes.com.) After they opened a door by clicking on it, each subsequent click earned a little money, with the sum varying each time.

As each player went through the 100 allotted clicks, he could switch rooms to search for higher payoffs, but each switch used up a click to open the new door. The best strategy was to quickly check out the three rooms and settle in the one with the highest rewards.

Even after students got the hang of the game by practicing it, they were flummoxed when a new visual feature was introduced. If they stayed out of any room, its door would start shrinking and eventually disappear.

They should have ignored those disappearing doors, but the students couldn’t. They wasted so many clicks rushing back to reopen doors that their earnings dropped 15 percent. Even when the penalties for switching grew stiffer — besides losing a click, the players had to pay a cash fee — the students kept losing money by frantically keeping all their doors open.

Why were they so attached to those doors? The players, like the parents of that overscheduled piano student, would probably say they were just trying to keep future options open. But that’s not the real reason, according to Dr. Ariely and his collaborator in the experiments, Jiwoong Shin, an economist who is now at Yale.

They plumbed the players’ motivations by introducing yet another twist. This time, even if a door vanished from the screen, players could make it reappear whenever they wanted. But even when they knew it would not cost anything to make the door reappear, they still kept frantically trying to prevent doors from vanishing.

Apparently they did not care so much about maintaining flexibility in the future. What really motivated them was the desire to avoid the immediate pain of watching a door close.

“Closing a door on an option is experienced as a loss, and people are willing to pay a price to avoid the emotion of loss,” Dr. Ariely says. In the experiment, the price was easy to measure in lost cash. In life, the costs are less obvious — wasted time, missed opportunities. If you are afraid to drop any project at the office, you pay for it at home.

“We may work more hours at our jobs,” Dr. Ariely writes in his book, “without realizing that the childhood of our sons and daughters is slipping away. Sometimes these doors close too slowly for us to see them vanishing.”

Dr. Ariely, one of the most prolific authors in his field, does not pretend that he is above this problem himself. When he was trying to decide between job offers from M.I.T. and Stanford, he recalls, within a week or two it was clear that he and his family would be more or less equally happy in either place. But he dragged out the process for months because he became so obsessed with weighing the options.

“I’m just as workaholic and prone to errors as anyone else,” he says.. “I have way too many projects, and it would probably be better for me and the academic community if I focused my efforts. But every time I have an idea or someone offers me a chance to collaborate, I hate to give it up.”

So what can be done? One answer, Dr. Ariely said, is to develop more social checks on overbooking. He points to marriage as an example: “In marriage, we create a situation where we promise ourselves not to keep options open. We close doors and announce to others we’ve closed doors.”

Or we can just try to do it on our own. Since conducting the door experiments, Dr. Ariely says, he has made a conscious effort to cancel projects and give away his ideas to colleagues. He urges the rest of us to resign from committees, prune holiday card lists, rethink hobbies and remember the lessons of door closers like Xiang Yu.

If the general’s tactics seem too crude, Dr. Ariely recommends another role model, Rhett Butler, for his supreme moment of unpredictable rationality at the end of his marriage. Scarlett, like the rest of us, can’t bear the pain of giving up an option, but Rhett recognizes the marriage’s futility and closes the door with astonishing elan. Frankly, he doesn’t give a damn.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

literally sick and tired

Much news, but no posts because I've been struggling with a bad cough, teaching responsibilities, and random meetings and lectures that seem to take away all my time.

Tomorrow is a fun day--we're going down to Corning (1 hr and 15 mins away) for a 1-day badminton tournament. That is, it'll be fun if I can actually play with coughing every two minutes. Hopefully I'll cough between points. Still, I know I won't be a great partner because it's hard to concentrate and my body just isn't up for a whole day's worth of play. I'm tired out. Sigh.

Okay, I'll tell my news but I won't explain how I'm considering my decisions right now because I'm just too tired. The univ closer to home didn't make me an offer, but the C college did. Talking to different profs now about the wisdom of taking the C college offer, and two of the two profs I've managed to meet with this week both think it won't be wise. But at the same time, we won't know if I will have funding at C_rne__ for the next year.

My director of graduate studies says he will do his absolute best for me, but he can't promise me anything. Still, even if there is only one extra funding package left, I suspect I will be at the top of the list, for reasons I won't go into now.

Monday, February 18, 2008

forgetful

Last week, I forgot to blog about the biggest change in my life: I moved OUT of T-house!!!!

Those of you who know something about my life here in Ithaca for the past one and a half years know that I live in a scholarship dorm that is a mix of undergrads, grads, and two faculty guests. It's been a huge time commitment and last year especially was filled with a lot of inter-personal drama. The past semester was much better but I just couldn't bear to be there anymore.

I decided last Sunday to move out of T-house completely and I am now living with a friend from the Christian fellowship group I attend. Life has been much more pleasurable since the move, and I actually stayed in my fellowship meeting until pretty much the end! Since moving into T-house, I never had the energy to stay past worship.

Now, I really need the friendship and company of adults because the anxiety hasn't really abated despite everything I know theoretically about trust and faith.

Oh yes, my roommate and I live in a trailer about a 10-minute drive from campus. It's actually very quiet and peaceful out here. I am paying more for gas but so far it's worth it.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

just a thought

I had a conversation with a friend today about being attracted to men. Both of us are trying to write our dissertations--oh, so desperately--and also trying to figure out what "the next step" is. And it was interesting to notice that we would both give up our hopes and dreams for our careers if these men would turn around and ask us to be a part of their lives.

If only men knew how much power they have over women once they have women's hearts . . .

Jobs in academia are particularly hard on relationships as most academics can ill-afford to choose where they end up geographically. You don't choose the job, the job chooses you. Most of my friends who get job offers this year (precious few of them) will probably only get one offer, at the most, two. And you can't exactly just move to a particular city or town and hope to find a job later, that's just not how it works.

Anyway. Going to bed soon.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Pressing question

My trip to the "left coast" (although, I wasn't in an area that was terribly "left," I don't think) last week was tiring but fun. My hotel was on the beach, across the wharf, and I saw beautiful sunsets and sunrises. After my final meeting there, I had time to take an hour-long walk on the beach at sunset, and that made me so happy and content.

Still, the question of calling remains preeminent. I know that if they offer the job to me, and if I accept, I willhave a very nice life in a very nice town (expensive, too). VERY NICE. But I think I would be talking only to C people, and I would forget how to talk to non-C people after a year.

In summary, I know what I do not want to do. But the most pressing question remains: What is my vision for my life?

Perhaps that will change as I walk on, I don't know. I need to spend some time reflecting on this question.

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

I don't know

Had a brief 10 minute meeting with my adviser an hour ago. When she asked me why I was feeling ambivalent about the job in S, I got a little emotional, and I don't even know why.

Monday, February 04, 2008

okay, i surrender (but it's not just any kind of surrender)

I must confess that I'm really struggling with my resolution to expect good things around the corner. And that's okay, I will continue to struggle in prayer to trust that God has my life all planned out and that while life may be difficult, it will be good.

I don't want to condemn myself for struggling--I want to work at remaining in communion with Christ.

After my visit, I still think that taking a job this year will make my life very painful and difficult, esp the job in S. The location is great, but I think I will end up burned out and bitter, if a lot wealthier.

And I don't want the job in the C college because I will have no friends but other C's, and the thought of living like that is horrifying to my mind and soul. Not now. Not until we go home for good.

If I have to take the job in S, I will praise God (and demand His strength and grace). But I will not take the job in the C college. That said, I will still go for the interview this week, Feb 6-9.

Have I said often enough yet that I'm exhausted?

Saturday, February 02, 2008

new turn

I'm still feeling really tired, but I'm done with grading! No grading papers over the weekend!!! Time for the dissertation!! I hope!!! And a bit of rest too.

My new resolution (even thought it's not Jan 1): I will expect only good things around the corner!

As I was telling naomiobi, I've lived my life expecting the worst. Because, hey, if the worst doesn't happen, then great! Whatever it is that does happen makes me happy anyway because it wasn't the worst thing that could happen.

But I live with so much anxiety as a result, and I can't do that anymore.

Still, it's going to take a lot of practice to change how I look at life. Anyone who wants to keep me accountable is welcome to do so, but please be patient and don't give up on me!

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

jet lag again

Just as I was getting over jet-lag in KL, I left for here. Got in yesterday afternoon, no delays, good flight, thank God. went to bed at about 5pm, woke up a couple of times but managed to sleep until 4:19am. Need to stay awake today even though I already feel like going back to bed (10:39am).

Trying to clear out my inbox. Have to pick up my student's papers from my friend who subbed for me while I was gone. Need to teach on Thurs. Crap.

Will try to post when I can. Am very thankful for friendships, every little gesture helps.

Friday, January 18, 2008

immune system

Have been popping vitamin C and Airborne (the cheaper generic version, actually) since the end of Nov, and have been successful at not getting a cold. But now that might be changing. I really hope not.

Was also dreading the return of the students to The House, but it actually hasn't been that bad. I was actually very glad to see a few people, and the rest have been nice and respectful of my time. I think it helped that I sent out an email to The House apologizing for my dis-engagement from The House because of current stresses and time commitments. I also pointed out that, unlike them, I haven't had the benefit of a Christmas break this year.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

phew

I sent out the my last application for this academic year. I am so tired.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

unrelated to work

Last night (or early this morning, about 4:20am, to be precise), I had a horrible dream where I was stabbed again. I've had these dreams before, and they're all different. Once, I had a dream where my grandfather stabbed me in the chest repeatedly. This time, I was asleep in my bed in The House--in a way, I was dreaming about me dreaming--and I knew someone was walking up the corridor to my room and she was carrying a large knife and intended to stab me.

I knew she was coming, and I tried to wake up but I couldn't. She opened the door, walked up to my bed, drew her arm up, and brought her knife down into my side. It was another couple of seconds before I could actually open my eyes and move and reassure myself that it was only a dream, even though I knew I was dreaming. It was horrible.

On another note, I had steamed egg and steamed broccoli and steamed rice for lunch . . . too lazy to do major cooking and clean up.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

sorry

Okay, I guess I over-reacted a little in my last post. But it really frustrates me when people treat me as if I'm a little child who only wants the candy now. I'm thinking of my work in the long-term. Taking a heavy-teaching job this year will affect my further progress in the field.

Anyway, I will be in S'pore from Jan 21-25, then on to M'sia before leaving on the morning of Jan 28 for S'pore and the US. Would love to meet up with folks whenever possible.

I'm going to be exhausted.

the very last word

I do not want a j_b. The next person who tells me I don't really know what I want is going to get a punch in the face. I'm serious. I really don't think it's that difficult to understand. Even if you think you know me better than I do, keep it to yourself.

If I take a j_b, it's because I have absolutely no other choice but to do so.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Stubborn as a mule. Too bad.

I had a conversation today that was frustrating in some ways. I'm becoming increasingly resistant to the thought of getting a job at a small C college on the other side of the coast from where I am. It's supposed to be a really beautiful place, but also really really expensive. The biggest issue I have with the place is that it's a C college. I don't know why I'm so resistant but I really am, and I'm beginning to be really resentful when people who wouldn't want to teach there either try to convince me that it could be amazing and wonderful. I don't resent the person, I resent his or her actions. When I am stubborn like this, and when my decision does not affect your life, just let me be. You win nothing by badgering me.

People can think what they want, and they can think I'm "not teachable" but this is how I feel about it. This is my life, and I think I know my field better than those who are not in it, and I know what life might be like and what it might take to do the work I want to do at this point. If they teach at a C college or are even LOOKING and THINKING seriously about moving to a C institution, then I will listen. But if they are at a non-C institution and are NOT considering making the move to a C-institution but think it's so great that I have the opportunity even if my desires do not in any way lie in that direction . . . I just don't get it. I know exactly how I feel about this.

I'm going to the interview for three reasons:

1) It's good practice regardless of how things turn out.
2) It is a sign of respect to the institution that invited me.
3) It will help me develop professional relationships.

The fourth, most popular reason to go (which obviously I hope to God will not happen even though I acknowledge its possibility): "Oh, but it might be amazing and you would really love it!"

The thought of teaching at a C college now makes me incredibly nervous and uncomfortable. I started out thinking I'd give it a chance. After the Chicago interview, even though I really respected and liked the search committee, I didn't think that I wanted the job. The more I think about it, the more resistant I am.

I would only go out of a sense of guilt, i.e., I should go to a C college because that's what a good C would do.

Friday, January 11, 2008

patience

I have to ask my friends to be patient with me as I try to work through my anxieties. I'm not very successful, but I am doing my best. :)

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

note re getting jobs

In my field, if you go into a job when your dissertation isn't very well thought-out or written, especially if it's a job that requires you to do a lot of teaching, that can be detrimental for your progress toward turning your dissertation into a publication. Without a book, you probably won't hang on to your job.

That's all I'm going to say for now. I'm trying to control access to this blog, but that's not always possible, so it's best to err on the side of caution.

explanations

I suppose I should explain the memory I wrote about two posts ago. Occasionally I meet with a Christian counselor--actually, I've met with her three times--to do what she calls "prayer counseling." I think there are different names for it, but I don't remember the more sophisticated term.

Basically, when we meet to talk, and usually this is when my emotions are more disturbed, she will ask me if any memories are coming up. I tell her the memory or memories that surface, and sometimes one memory will lead to another. Then she asks me what I'm feeling in these memories--this isn't always easy as I often have to pause and figure out what exactly I'm feeling. Once we have that, we go into a time of prayer where she asks Jesus to reveal His truth to me, and then we stay silent for a little while. The answers don't always come immediately.

But the answer is often peace.

In this particular memory, I say myself walking along that long and busy road, afraid and yet guilty of being afraid because I had to be strong, I had to take care of myself. If I were to walk that distance again today as an adult, it would take me about 15-20 minutes to get as far as I did all those years ago. I wonder how long it took the 4-year old me to walk that far.

My answer to this memory was a picture of Christ (sorry, I saw only His back, don't know what He looks like) walking by my side and holding my hand. I'm sure I didn't feel it, but He looked like He was on an adventure, and He was trying to convince me that "This is fun! This is going to be so great! You'll see!" And as with every adventure, there is always a hint of fear. But there is also knowledge that everything's going to be just fine.

Finally, I felt His great love for my parents. They made a mistake that resulted in a four year old being left alone on a busy street, but it was a mistake and it did not mean that they loved me less. Christ was walking with me and holding my hand at every step of the way. That was and is my answer.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Reprieve

Trying to arrange my trip to S'pore (work, not fun), and friend M really helped by telling me I can delay my trip so that I can get my pre-trip work done.

I'm not even going to go through why I've been stressed out the past three days because I think it would make me even more stressed out. The people I've told my stories shake their heads at me when they realize just how difficult this has been. And really, it doesn't need to be this difficult. Really. I just happen to always have horrible, slow experiences with consulates, embassies, and airlines.

I also checked in over the phone with Prof N five minutes ago, and she thinks the delay is a great idea, and even told me to take a couple of days off before starting on the work I need to do. Wow. I've been told to take a couple of days off? Wow.

Saturday, January 05, 2008

working through memories

I have a very vivid memory from when I was about four years old. I was in kindergarten, and our uniform was white and turquoise--a little sailor suit, if you can imagine it. The kindergarten was at a crossroads of a major intersection, close to the main streets leading out to the center of town.

It was a public holiday, and a few days earlier, I had given either my mom or my dad a notice from the kindergarten saying that there were no classes for the day. I guess there was a miscommunication because that morning, my aunt dropped me off at the kindergarten anyway. I walked into the kindergarten, and the guard was in his sarong--shirtless, I think--and he told me (and my aunt too?) that there was no school that day. I don't remember much after that; I remember seeing cars zooming by on my left, and a very large tree on my right.

My mom tells me that she remembers driving down that road on her way to work--I think she and my dad figured out that I wasn't supposed to be at kindergarten--and seeing me walk on the side of the road, trying to find my way home.

I feel like that four year old right now.

Visit

Well, I'm through to the second-rounds at a univ. near home. I need to fly in about a week or so. Which means I need to write a lecture in about a week or so.

Did I mention that I'm already tired out? And that I don't think this would be a good year for me to finish?

Thursday, January 03, 2008

new year seems old to me

I fell asleep unexpectedly today. Twice. Took a 2 hr nap this morning. then slept for 4 hrs in the afternoon. Yeap, I slept through most of the day. I hope it's because my body needed it and not because I was lazy.

My upper back is all locked up and my chiropractor couldn't really do much to release it. Pilates instructor is down with the flu so we may not be able to start up again this week. I miss it. I bought her DVD's but I am not disciplined enough to push myself and I take breaks every time I feel tired.

Spent Dec 31 with the int'l CF here, then went home to call my old Ch_c_r prof (Prof A) and she told me I'm a slow worker. After today, I'm convinced she's right.

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

back from C-go!

Really tired out because there were multiple long plane delays both going to and coming from C___go. Got back in this morning at 5:30am, and found that I had lost my house keys. Climbed in through a window.

Will post later with more stories. Lots of work still, and I need to move half of my stuff to my other apartment. I will continue to live in The House, but I've rented a 1-bedroom basement apt that I can return to sleep and take time away from The House because this new semester I will be sharing a room again. My roommate has a boyfriend (who has lived in the house and just graduated) so they'll be happy that I will be out at night.

People wonder why I don't just leave The House completely, and I wonder the same thing myself. I might move out completely in March, but until the snow is gone, it's nice to have a place close to campus.