"I have to say that the events that I have encountered here have changed my outlook on life."
Gift of God. Because all things come under Jesus who rules at the right hand of God. Nothing is accidental, and all will be made right. Romans 8:28
Friday, December 26, 2008
hope you had a great Christmas !
The Alt_er, which I've been going to does have people of color but it was still surprisingly homogenous. This doesn't make it a bad church, in fact, I quite like it and I've gotten really fond of my small group too. People are friendly and nice, and every now and then, because of its location, people from the street--clearly homeless--have come in for services. It is a church that opens its doors to people from all walks of life, even those who don't dress or smell right.
But the pastor at Alt_er still doesn't know my name even though he has walked by me or sat by me a few times. I think that's pretty shocking for a church that's about 100. I don't need the pastor to be my new best friend, but not to even say hello, how are you? Well, others in the church are friendly enough so you could say that the community as a church takes responsibility for welcoming strangers and newcomers, and that's a great philosophy to have.
Contrast that, however, with CofR. The one and only time I've been there, the pastor made it a point to talk to me TWICE, and he invited me to join his family for Christmas brunch when he heard I was going to be in town for the holidays. CofR is smaller (60 or so members) but they also have fewer resources available to them. Anyway, I did want to get that off my chest.
But really, I was posting because I just got back from brunch with Pastor K and family, plus a few other guests. It was delicious, simple, fun, and I got to hear more about how CofR is committed to being a church in a neighborhood that isn't at all what you would call wealthy, and where more often than not, there are very real racial tensions. The church doesn't have a website (how my friend found it is a long story) because they've been focused on being there for, and trying to meet the needs of, their local neighborhood.
So, even though I really want to commit to attending a "local" church, i.e. within a 10 min drive from my apt, I'm really thinking seriously of attending the CofR, which requires me to get on the freeway. I think I could learn a lot from this church.
This isn't to say that CofR is a perfect or even exemplary church, although obviously, I think it tries hard to model certain principles. And this isn't to say that Alt_er isn't worth going to or anything like that. There is much I respect about that church, and I will certain keep attending the small group until the end of the year, i.e. the summer. But I think it would be exciting to be at CofR.
I will say that all the churches I've visited in LA are committed to giving back to the community and providing services, resources, or friendships to people in need. This is especially true of the larger churches that have more resources at their disposal, and it has really heartened me. I'm not claiming that any of these churches are without weakness, but it does seem to me that they are doing their best to give.
Well, I had a good Christmas. It helped me pause from the madness of writing for awhile. I'll have to go back to work tomorrow. But it was really good to stop, and listen to the other kinds of stories that are floating around.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
mixed-up
The next two weeks of my life will be horribly stressful again if I am to make my deadlines. I will take the 25th off, and after that, I'll be going up to SF for a few days to meet up with old friends from graduate school who will be at the big annual conference for our field. I do want to see old friends but I can barely think of the trip as a true "vacation." Honestly, I can't wait for June, when the academic year ends--even though my work clock won't stop ticking then, I hope I'll be better able to leave the anxiety behind.
I still love my postdoc, but that doesn't stop me from recognizing that this is a brutal profession. I really don't know that I can recommend it to people who might consider starting a PhD program with the hopes of becoming a professor, at least not in the humanities.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
happiness
My postdoc group had our second seminar (formal conversations about work) and after-seminar dinner (very informal hanging out!) yesterday, and I'm just so happy to be here. This group of people has been good for me so far and I'm a little sad we only get together about once a month, although I do see friends M1 and M2 from the group quite often. C_rn_ll friends J and K predicted that I would be happy here this year, and at that point, I didn't dare hope that I would be happy and I couldn't imagine that this is what "happy" feels like. But they were right and I am so glad they were right.
Monday, December 08, 2008
teasing and being teased
Friday, December 05, 2008
holiday
After work yesterday, I thought to myself "It's really nice to be done with the dissertation!" and I do believe that life after filing is much more enjoyable, except that for the past two months it didn't often feel that way. Nothing has really changed in my life: I still struggle to focus on my work, I'm still single, I still have the same number of friends here in LA, and I still mostly feel inadequate and shy in public situations.
But I feel like I'm on an emotional and spiritual "holiday." I hope it stays this way for awhile especially since I also woke up to the fact that I have a ton of work to do between now and June 2009.
Friday, November 28, 2008
Happy Thanksgiving
Thankfully, that didn't last long and I was shifted to the dining room where I was a "runner," i.e. someone who runs from the table to ask for more food (how many plates, etc.) or to get more juice/water/napkins, etc. That was a lot easier although some of our visitors were equally unwashed. I was very impressed when I saw families there volunteering together. Some of these parents/grandparents brought young kids there to help out in any little way, and I thought that was amazing and wonderful.
As I was leaving the auditorium after a few hours there, I bumped into an elderly couple and offered to drive them to the bus stop which turned out to be very far away. I don't know how they would've made it as the lady had a lot of trouble with her hips. It turns out that they just moved down from SF and are staying with friends until they find an apt. Well, I didn't ask too much more because I didn't want to pry. But these are hard times.
By the time I got home, I was too tired to go back out to a Thanksgiving dinner hosted by a couple from Alt_er. I didn't really feel like going anyway because I don't really know this couple (was invited by another friend from the same church). A bit too shy, although it would've been good for me to meet more ppl from the church.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Friday, November 21, 2008
life is fun
Yes, this is work related. I knew that this year would be an exciting year but somehow, nevertheless, I always seem to be taken by surprise. Maybe I need to learn to work as if I don't have time and never will have the time . . . . then again, that sounds like a recipe for heart disease.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
hahaha
Yeap. I can relate.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
courage that I need
"Writing is a risk, and a risk is exciting, and excitement is something you will fight to sustain in your professional life as you age and your students don't" (125).
I am one of the most risk-averse people I know.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
withdrawal symptoms
This Friday, I also have a professional engagement that requires me to be voluble about my work. Don't want to go into that here. I'm so nervous, but I recognize that this is a good opportunity for me to learn to speak without having my brain shut down on me. The part where my brain shuts down isn't really within my control though.
Maybe I should find a job that doesn't require me to open my mouth.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
need to post more often
Anyway, my laptop crashed and refuses to start so yesterday I ordered a new laptop, one that I've been salivating over for the past few months, thanks to friends who have also been looking out for new laptops. Deciding to purchase the Asus eee was a lot less painful because of their painstaking research!
I really like this model because it is light, has a solid state drive, and still manages to retain an almost normal-sized keyboard (95%). And oh yeah, the price isn't bad either. I think there are other models out there for about the same price or cheaper but they use regular hard drives instead of the SSD.
This also means that I will have to make the shift over to Linux--I'm nervous--but since there are fewer viruses out there that are targeted at Linux, it should mean fewer crashes!! I'm tired of losing my files and settings.
The next time the humanities center here holds a "home computer clinic," I'll bring my old laptop in and have them reinstall Windows because it's a free service anyway. The computer they've set up for me in my office (the one I'm using to type this post!) is also Windows so if I really need Windows, I'll have access to it. I could get the clinic to install Windows on my new laptop as well but I think I'm ready to give Linux a try.
Sunday, November 02, 2008
a little more activity
0_0
Thursday, October 30, 2008
church-hunting
(Although, if someone wants to share their recipes with me, they'd be welcomed!)
That reminds me--I need to go grocery shopping tonight.
I don't know if I should stay with this church or keep looking. Finally, thankfully, heard their regular pastor preach this past Sunday. Prior to that, the youth pastor was speaking for a few weeks, and frankly, that drove me nuts. I think pastors employ a certain kind of rhetoric to reach out to "youth" and that's great but I don't really want to listen to it anymore. The regular pastor isn't bad.
But I must confess that it would be wonderful to find a congregation aimed at academics. I know, I know, you're rolling your eyes. But I hear so many different kinds of questions and positions in academia that I sometimes long for a pastor who would help provide some kind of perspective within that context. But I'm not saying that the pastor at Alta_r was irrelevant to me. In fact, he preached a pretty good sermon on discontent.
So I guess I'll stay on. The people in the small group are nice, especially J_n and his wife L_z, who host the group in their home. I suspect though, that I'm staying on because Alta_r's service begins at 6pm on Sundays (good for sleeping in and being lazy) and because I'm too lazy to find other churches and visit them.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
life is going well (most of the time)
And then there are days when I am inexplicably depressed and can't seem to figure out why I'm so down. Some people think it's just the post-big-project funk, and one person told me yesterday that it usually takes most people about a year to recover from dissertation writing.
I need to get my act together quicker than that, but mostly, I just want to enjoy my time here!!!! Theoretically, I know that I'm in a very good place but I want to feel good about it too every day!!! Every single day. Every single day.
Oh, and I absolutely adore my new faculty mentor. I think I have a girl crush on her. (For a definition of what a girl crush is, read this New York Times article.)
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
risking repetition (excerpt from Nouwen's "The Prodigal Son")
As long as I keep running about asking: "Do you love me? Do you really love me?" I give all power to the voices of the world and put myself in bondage because the world is filled with "ifs." The world says: "Yes, i love you if you are good-looking, intelligent, and wealthy. I love you if you have a good education, a good job, and good connections. I love you if you produce much, sell much, and buy much. There are endless "ifs" hidden in the world's love. These "ifs" enslave me, since it is impossible to respond adequately to all of them. The world's love is and always will be conditional. As long as I keep looking for my true self in the world of conditional love, I will remain "hooked" to the world--trying, failing, and trying again. It is a world that fosters addictions because what it offers cannot satisfy the deepest craving of my heart.
(pg 42)
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
last stretch
Saturday, September 13, 2008
aaahhhhh . . . .
Only two more weeks left!!! I need to focus for two more weeks.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
nothing new
This past Sunday, I went to a Vin_yard church and an English service at a Chinese church close to my apartment. The Vineyard is a bigger church with more ministries, of course, and they were quite hospitable too. Their pastor made it a point to invite new people to a brief get-to-know-you session after the service.
I've always felt awkward at Chinese churches here in the US but it is closer to my apartment. The English-speaking congregation is very small and I got the feeling that they weren't used to having visitors. :)
But I suppose I should give both a chance. The Chinese church has a small group that meets on Friday nights so I'll check it out this week. I prefer to attend a church that is close to my apartment and I think Vineyard is about as far as I'll drive (about four miles from my apartment). I've also emailed a couple of fellowship groups at UCL_ but haven't gotten a single reply. Can't help making comparisons with CICF at C_rnell. Not replying to an email inquiry would be unheard of at CICF.
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
up and down
FedEx has also been giving me a lot of trouble and a customer advocacy representative finally assured me today that I will be able to pick up my package with the paperwork I need to submit to UCLA. They "misplaced" the package, can you believe it.
But I do know that if I weren't already so stressed out and anxious, I wouldn't let this incident affect me the way it has. I look forward to walking to this FedEx store to pick up my package. They won't even deliver it to my apt. Ridiculous.
Okay, time to let go. Sigh.
Monday, September 01, 2008
in LA
Don't have time right now to blog about the trip but I will say that we were all safe despite a couple of scares with the car. My itinerary was truly crazy and I hope I won't ever have to drive cross country again. If I do, it'll have to be a much shorter route with more breaks in between destinations. But really, I don't want to drive cross-country again.
As we all know, being with family can sometimes be difficult but I do miss my family now especially because I still have to find new friends and orient myself to the place.
And it really doesn't help when I have to start writing again tomorrow. It was impossible to work during the cross-country trip and now I have to get back into gear. I think I'm about half to two-thirds done with unpacking. I hope. But I do have my home office set up now.
I miss Ith_ca.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
couldn't resist
We leave tomorrow morning for NYC where we'll stay at a hostel until Friday afternoon when my sister flies in. Oh yeah, I leave my car here too so that I don't have to worry about parking on the street in the city.
Anyway, I found this post from Uncle Paul's site and thought I'd re-post it because I like it so much. I've been struggling really hard with saying goodbye to a phase of my life and this reminds me of how much I still have.
If I get internet wherever I am for the next two weeks, I'll try to post. I just hope my cross-country trip will be quiet, calm, and beautiful. I don't want "exciting," "adventurous," or even "rich."
When I was talking with an old friend on Monday about how the last few years have been, we used the adjectives "rich" and "full." In my mind, those two words are now euphemisms for certain types of experiences that I would prefer not to have. Well, at least not too frequently.
God Lives Under his bed
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
My brother Kevin thinks God lives under his bed.
At least that's what I overheard him say one night. He was praying in his darkened bedroom and I stopped outside his door to listen.
"Are you there, God?" he said. "Where are You?"
A pause-and then, in a relieved voice, "Oh, I see. Under the bed."
I giggled softly and tiptoed off to my own room.
Kevin's unique perspectives are always a source of amusement. But that night something else lingered long after the humor. I realized for the first time the very different world Kevin lives in.
He was born 30 years ago, mentally disabled as a result of labor difficulties during birth. Apart from his size (he's 6'2"), there are few ways that he is an adult. He reasons and communicates with the capabilities of a seven-year old.
He probably will always believe that God lives under his bed, that Santa Claus fills the space under our tree every Christmas, and that airplanes stay in the sky because angels carry them.
I remember wondering if Kevin was ever dissatisfied with his monotonous life. Up before dawn each day, off to work at a workshop for the disabled, home to eat his favorite macaroni and cheese for dinner, and later to bed. The only change in this routine is laundry day, when he hovers excitedly over the washing machine like a mother with a newborn child.
But he does not seem dissatisfied. He lopes out to the school bus every morning at 7.05am, eager for a day of work; he wrings his hands excitedly while the water boils on the stove before dinner; and he stays up late twice a week to gather our dirty laundry for his next day's chores.
And Saturdays-oh, the bliss of Saturdays! My dad takes Kevin to the airport to have a soft drink, watch the planes land, and speculate loudly on the destination of each passenger. "That one's going to Chi-cargo!" he'll shout and clap his hands. He can hardly sleep on
Friday nights in anticipation.
I do not think Kevin knows what it means to be discontent. He will never know the entanglements of wealth or power, and he does not care what brand of clothing he wears or what kind of food he eats. He recognizes no difference in people, treating all as equals and as friends.
His needs have always been met, and he never worries that one-day, they may not be. His hands are diligent. Kevin is never so happy as when he is working. When he unloads the dishwasher or vacuums the carpet, his heart is completely in it. He does not shrink from a
job, and he does not quit a job until it is finished.
But when his tasks are done, Kevin knows how to relax. He is not obsessed with his work or the work of others. His heart is pure too. He believes everyone tells the truth, that promises must be kept, and that when you are wrong, you apologize. Free from pride and unconcerned with appearances, Kevin is not afraid to cry. He is always sincere.
And he trusts God. Not confined by intellectual reasoning, when he comes to Christ, he always comes as a child. In my moments of doubt and frustration, I envy the security of his simple faith. Yet, it is then I realize and am humbled that perhaps he is not the one
with the handicap.
My obligations, my fears, my pride, my circumstances all become disabilities when I do not give them away to Jesus. Maybe Kevin can comprehend things I may never learn. He has spent his whole life in innocence, after all, talking to God, who lives under his bed, and
soaking up the goodness and love of the Lord.
One day, when the mysteries of Heaven are opened, we will all be amazed at how close God really is to our hearts. But Kevin won't be surprised at all...
- Author Unknown
Saturday, August 09, 2008
tired and then some
Need to sort out some financial matters on Monday too before I drive down to Newark to pick up my mom. It looks like I'll have to continue revising Ch's 2-3 while I'm on the road. When I get to LA I'll have to rewrite the Intro and revise, as much as I can, Ch's 1 and 4.
May not be blogging or checking out people's blogs for the next two weeks.
Wednesday, August 06, 2008
no-o-o-o-o-o . . . .
Those of who haven't seen The Dark Knight really SHOULD. I loved it!!!! Ranks higher than Spider-man II!!! And yes, better than Pirates of the Caribbean. No kidding. Go see it. In the cinema. Don't wait for the DVD.
Finished revisions for Ch 4, PRAISE GOD. Besides the introduction which I hope to begin writing after I get to LA, the revisions for Ch 4 were the most overwhelming. I don't know if I tied all the threads together but I've done all I can for the time being.
The process of securing the apt is 98% completed. I can start packing and shipping my books and winter clothes.
My car has been checked up and it is all ready to go.
I'm trying not to worry about things I can't control. :) Like my mom's and sis' flights. I have an awful feeling that I've forgotten something important but I can't think what it is.
Monday, August 04, 2008
wrapping up
I also hate saying goodbye and I'm surprised by how I hate the thought of leaving now.
All this, and still more work to do. Couldn't really work much this weekend. I think my body is really starting to say no.
Saturday, August 02, 2008
huh???
BUT, at the same time, it seems to be as small as "we need an ORIGINAL signature" as in, not a photocopy of the signatures. but does that mean i have to submit the ORIGINAL form that i got from UCLA?? what if it gets lost in the mail??
anyway, i don't have to do anything until monday when the administrative offices open.
i'm just so relieved to know that it really could be a very minor thing.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
what a nightmare
Won't be able to get health insurance through UCLA until the visa comes so it looks like I'll have to pay for private health insurance until I get the visa (or get rejected). Need to figure out how to find affordable health insurance.
Need to treat this as a "call to prayer." Every time I start worrying, it's time to pray!
Monday, July 28, 2008
Sigh. Never-ending.
Also still waiting to hear back from Friend C about the apts she's looking at for me this weekend. She's looking at places in W_st L_ for me.
No word on the new visa, although when I was on the phone with peeps at U_LA, they thought I'd probably get it in time. I think they were trying to make me feel better after they stressed me out by telling me that I really need the visa or I won't be paid.
Work goes at a snail's pace. Fighting despair, fatigue, and anger all in turn.
Had a nice dinner at Sticky Rice with a couple of M'sian friends. Probably won't see them for awhile now as one of them works for X_rox in R_chester and the other will be starting a consulting position at M_cKenz__'s in P_ttsburg.
Then had a nice long walk and talk with Friend J_n after dinner.
It was really good to be with friends who aren't demanding and who don't stress me out.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
one more thing . . .
Not having health insurance in the US is a scary thing. But Sue, the department secretary, thought that I might be covered through car insurance if I get into an accident but I have to check. That's probably true, though. Still, I could get into trouble (knock on wood!) while I'm not in the car.
Okay, I don't have time or energy to worry so I really should just think about something else now.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Slogging Through Mud
"Forgiveness" has been on my mind in many areas of my life, including the personal, the political, and the intellectual. On a personal level, it's been really important for me to learn and remember that forgiveness recognizes the wrong that has been done but then decides to restore the relationship anyway. (Of course, this doesn't apply to abusive or manipulative relationships or instances when there is very real danger.)
I need to learn to discern what kinds of dangers really exist and just how guarded I really have to be. I have been too guarded in the past and while that has probably protected me from being hurt, being too aloof has probably limited my own horizon and the kinds of experiences I would have had otherwise. Pausing and counting the cost in each relationship a little more carefully makes sense because in doing so, I may find that there are greater benefits to being more vulnerable and giving.
Wow, I thought this post would be a little shorter. :) Anyway, I have other thoughts that were sparked by today's sermon at church.
ps - on a more practical note, I still need to find an apartment!!
Friday, July 18, 2008
wonderful lessons
MS sent me a fairly long email this morning about her own experiences in graduate school and offered valuable words of wisdom and below is my response to her email. I don't think she would mind, and I find no shame in a confession such as this one. I declare after David, "O, Happy Sin!"
(Those of you who might be interested to read about the reasons for such an invocation of joy, read Eugene Peterson's "Leaping Over Walls." It's in either that or "Running with Horses." Both are fantastic.)
-----
Dear M,
Thank you for your long and thoughtful email and thank you for sharing your experiences. It must have been horrifying at the time but your life is evidence that God can still work and use that experience for good. You're right, a lot of my emotions yesterday was a result of my letting go of my walls and barriers.
I had thought that if I can just keep going, if I can just keep my fatigue and frustrations and disappointments inside, I will be able to do everything my adviser wants me to do within the next couple of weeks.
I can't remember the exact moment, but God clearly called me to Himself and even though He didn't put it in so many words, He wanted me to let go and rest. No more walls to help me survive.
If it is true that all who are weary and heavy-laden go to Him for rest, then we must go without condition. I had to let go of everything, including my desire--which stems from pride--of wanting to do everything my mentors wanted me to do AND do them all ahead of time.
I also had to allow God to determine how much intellectual progress I will make. During the oral exam, my adviser said that my progress had taken "quantum leaps" this year. When I think back on how busy I was (preparing for the job market, traveling for interviews on the job market, teaching, and writing most of my dissertation) I think it really is a miracle that I've made any kind of intellectual progress at all. But I also know that I have far to go, M, I have so much more to learn!
That is part of what I had to give up last night when I grieved for everything else. If I never had another idea in my life (yes, I know you want to thwack me on the head), then so be it. God is sovereign and as you say, He has plans for my career. I still struggle with this but I need to give up my desire for control over my intellectual progress, even as I recognize that some of my desires for my career are good (intellectual rigor and integrity, for example).
Anyway, I should go back to my reading. I'd like to read for another 20 minutes or so.:) Thank you so much for offering to be available over the phone. I will keep that in mind! I'm not fond of talking over the phone and rarely do so, but in the odd, desperate occasion, I might pick it up and call you. I'm really grateful for your generosity, M.
Oh yes, I had a long talk with my adviser this afternoon and it was immensely helpful and meaningful. God certainly does work in mysterious ways. That blessing came *after* I released everything to Him, not before.
love,
z
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
anticlimax
The revisions are conceptual. Very difficult. After reading through some of my chair's specific comments on the pages of my dissertation, I recognize that she is letting me go without making some of the other changes she would like me to make. The committee "just" wants me to make the larger conceptual changes that will bring the entire dissertation into clearer focus, that's all.
Thanks to friends J and K for being with me last night. The experience was quite overwhelming.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
much thanksgiving
my head hurts
The cherry-picking trip this morning went well but now I am suffering. Sigh.
Aug 11 is the day I go down to NYC to pick up my mom at the airport. The morning of that day is the last possible period during which I can turn in the final version of my dissertation because I won't get back to Ithaca until Aug 15 in the evening (my sis flies into NYC at 12pm) after the offices have closed. We start driving to Chicago on Aug 16, as early as we can wake up.
The next three weeks will be hellish again until I can physically remove myself from Ithaca.
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
celebration . . .
Yeap, that's how I'm celebrating. :) I really would like to go to Maine for a visit but the thought of driving for 8 hours each way makes my back hurt. Especially since I will have to go down to New York City in August to pick my mom and sis up. And the day after we get back to Ithaca (5 hrs away from the city) we embark on our 10-day, 4000-mile road trip across the country!
I will go white-water rafting next weekend, after my defense this coming Monday afternoon and that's a three hour drive away (in Pennsylvania). Lots of money spent on gas this summer!!!
Oops, I'm supposed to organize a cherry-picking expedition for this Sat!!! Should do that now before I forget.
Monday, July 07, 2008
unbelievable!!
Nothing's perfect, just gotta learn to let go. :) I'm feeling pretty happy right now!!
Sunday, June 29, 2008
feeling very full . . .
I had a meeting with Prof X on Fri morning and it was a very helpful meeting. Prof X hasn't been very involved in my work this past year and her lack of engagement has been difficult for me. I was really happy that she decided to be more present! I only have a week left so I don't know how much I can do but even if I don't address all the questions she has raised, I can still think about the questions when I have more time to revise the dissertation, i.e., when I get to UCLA.
Oh yeah, my friends are in consulting and they said I should check it out and think about changing fields. I'm not terribly fond of math but problem-solving sounds fun . . . . I have a lot of reservations about consulting but when I have time I should look it up a little, just in case I don't get a job in academia!
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
can't help myself
But I shouldn't be thinking about this. I need to finish writing.
Monday, June 23, 2008
the worst grad school horror story ever
My roommate's mom met up with my roommate's high school friend's dad and asked him how the friend was doing. The friend used to be a grad student at Up_nn where he studied alternative healing and Buddhism. After he finished writing the first chapter of his dissertation, he turned it in to his adviser. His adviser looked at him and said: "Show it to me only when you've finished writing everything." So this friend went back to his office and after a year and a half of writing, he took his completed dissertation to his adviser. His adviser read the dissertation and then said: "I don't like it. Do it over."
The friend left grad school and is now a consultant in some company in Japan, probably making tons and tons of money. True story!!!
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
to the end
Other than that, not much to report except that my cross-country reservations are almost all in place now. And I'm taking weekends to watch bad Hong Kong TV shows . . . I need something fun and mindless. One of my CF friends will be organizing a white-water rafting trip and I really hope that works out!
Friday, June 13, 2008
another lesson on placing Christ in the center
Callie came home on the bus one day and said that bunch of kids were making fun of her. She was sad and scared, and wanted to find a different ride to school. In our talk with her, we acknowledged her feelings and supported her in her sadness. We also wanted to find a way to remind her to hang on to Jesus.
"Those kids sure are acting like you're not very special. When they treat you that way how do you feel?" we asked.
This brought tears, and we hugged her to offer comfort.
"So, on this hand, are the kids who say you are little and dumb," I said. "And on this hand, is Jesus. He says you're special, and capable, and if He was picking a team He'd pick you first. So now, you have to decide who you're going to believe."
Callie has had to decide many times whose voice she was going to listen to for her sense of worth. There is no doubt that, sometimes, like you and me, she has chosen to listen to the wrong voice. That is our fight of faith, ongoing--to resist the temptation to find our life in anything and anyone but Christ. But Callie is growing just as we are.
Let's face facts: Even if our children begin their own faith journey and choose to believe they are loved and accepted by God because of Jesus's work on the cross, it does not mean that other kids are going to be transformed into nice people. And it doesn't mean our children won't feel hurt when hurtful things are said or done to them. But we can stop trying to control behaviors and feelings, and focus on value and identity. Our eternal value and identity are settled because of Christ. . . . Let me say it plainly: Our job as Christian parents is simply to draw our children's attention to what is real--what is true--and not to try to control how they feel.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
on divorce and remarriage
"Those who use Matthew 5:32, in particular those trying to determine the meaning of 'except on the grounds of porneias' in order to decide if and when divorce may be justified, unfortunately transform the text from one of permission to legalistic exchange.. What is crucial is not the question of when a marriage may be dissolved, but given the new dispensation the question should be how Christians should understand marriage. In similar fashion the question is not whether a divorced woman should be allowed to marry, but what kind of community must a church be that does not make it a matter of necessity for such a woman to remarry. If Christians do not have to marry, if women who have been abandoned do not have to remarry, then surely the church must be a community of friendship that is an alternative to the loneliness of our world. At the very least, any community capable of sustaining singleness as a way of life must be a community based on trust made possible by the speaking of truth to one another" (70).
Monday, June 09, 2008
sermon on the mount
"The sermon is not a heroic ethic. It is the constitution of a people. You cannot live by the demands of the sermon on your own, but that is the point. The demands of the sermon are designed to make us depend on God and one another (Hauerwas 1993, 63-72)" (61).
I suppose he's quoting himself in this section. :)
"The sermon, therefore, is not a list of requirements, but rather a description of the life of a people gathered by and around Jesus. To be saved is to be so gathered. That is why the Beautitudes are the interpretive key to the whole sermon--precisely because they are not recommendations. No one is asked to go out and try to be poor in spirit or to mourn or to be meek. Rather, Jesus is indicating that given the reality of the kingdom we should not be surprised to find among those who follow him those who are poor in spirit, those who mourn, those who are meek" (61).
Saturday, June 07, 2008
hmmm
Thursday, June 05, 2008
what???
Still, the postdoc doesn't pay that much for LA living expenses . . . I guess the belt will remain firmly cinched.
Friday, May 30, 2008
nice encouragement
Well, I was really pleased and proud until two of my friends asked if it was a C*rn*ll prize, or . . . . Okay, fine, it's only a C*rn*ll prize and not a national competition or anything like that. I was still really happy, okay, sorry it's not good enough for you. Whatever.
Friday, May 23, 2008
spring!
We haven't had much of a spring this year, but there were quite a few blooms around. See the pictures here. This is a much lighter post than the last one. :)
Graduation is this weekend, but I won't be walking in the procession this year. I'll come back next year and my mom says she wants to attend it too. I'm looking forward to seeing some of the other alums who are coming back this weekend for Wesley's wedding which is on Saturday!
Monday, May 19, 2008
dark clouds
Saw "Prince Caspian" yesterday and really enjoyed it. The actor who played Prince Caspian was all brawn, not much brains though.
I had a long conversation with a friend a couple of days ago and I realized that in my mind, sound judgment and love are linked. In other words, if someone has bad judgment or is foolish, that means what or whom they love must also be wrong or unwise; therefore, their love cannot be trusted.
Premise 1: X made a foolish decision (or even many foolish decisions).
Premise 2: X loves me
Therefore, X is foolish to love me.
This is a false belief that I have to break away from because we are all at some point foolish or unwise and we make mistakes. I know from my own life that I've grown much intellectually, and yes, in wisdom, and that I have far more to learn. I need to show grace to myself and to people around me--we can only grow as fast as grace allows (Brother Lawrence, via Unc P).
We are all fallen and susceptible to making wrong decisions and if I do not break away from this false belief, then I will never trust anyone's love for me.
I'm really tired and really homesick.
Friday, May 09, 2008
rain . . . sigh
I turned in a rough draft of Ch 4 . . . a grand total of 13 pages. AAAAAGGGGHHH.
Thankfully, Prof L got back to me this morning saying that it does look fine, and she also offered suggestions for how I might frame the chapter. I guess I just have to keep my shoulder to the plough and nose to the grind. And hope that I don't get too much blood on myself or the people near me.
I want to be like Prof L when/if I grow up to be a teacher!
A couple of my office-mates are having a barbecue tomorrow night! Fun! They live in an apt close to the lake too, so I can't wait! I hope we have a beautiful sunset.
Sunday, May 04, 2008
nice end to the day
Still in the Quagmire
I'm also wondering what my life would've been like had I made different decisions. And I'm wondering if life will indeed be much better after I file the dissertation?
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
AAAGGGGHHHH
I will be DONE with teaching by this weekend. The students are turning in their papers this Friday.
I have ONE page of Chap 4. ONE PAGE.
AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Zzzzzzz Zzzzzzz
I am so tired. Wanted to turn in a short first draft of Chapter 4 this Monday, but since I only have one sentence right now, I don't think that's going to happen . . .
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
the call
For the complete version, see website below.
-------
04/23/08
Remaining Awake
Jill Carattini
to overlook as any injustice we want not to see. I have misread the story
for years. In it, Jesus speaks of a rich man who was dressed in purple
and fine linen and who feasted sumptuously every day. “And at his gate
lay a poor man named Lazarus, covered with sores, who longed to satisfy
his hunger with what fell from the rich man’s table” (Luke 16:20). When
the poor man died he was carried away by the angels to be with Abraham.
The rich man also died and was buried. Then Jesus notes, “In Hades, where
the rich man was being tormented, he looked up and saw Abraham far away
with Lazarus by his side. He called out, ‘Father Abraham, have mercy on
me, and send Lazarus to dip the tip of his finger in water and cool my
tongue; for I am in agony in these flames.’ But Abraham said, ‘Child,
remember that during your lifetime you received your good things, and
Lazarus in like manner evil things; but now he is comforted here, and you
are in agony. Besides all this, between you and us a great chasm has been
fixed, so that those who might want to pass from here to you cannot do so,
and no one can cross from there to us’” (16:24-25).
It is far from a mere commentary on wealth. In this parable, Jesus
describes a man who chooses to live with a great chasm between his success
and a poor man’s fate. At his own gate, he daily passes the beggar,
choosing neither to see him nor his agony. He allows the rules of social
hierarchy to keep the man at his feet nameless and invisible. Even from
Hades, the rich man chooses to address Lazarus as a mere servant, asking
Abraham to send him to soothe his own discomfort. But the chasms he
allowed in life have now grown fixed in death.
If we will hear this parable with our ears open to the story, attune to
our discomfort and possible biases, approaching with a sensitivity to the
lessons of history within the fierce urgency of now, there is a glimpse of
an amazing God and the welcoming table to which we are invited. For
Christ’s is a theology that is far from assuming God’s only concern for
humanity is that we make it to eternity. As Nicholas Wolterstorff writes,
“God’s love of justice is grounded in God’s longing for the complete shalom
of God’s creatures and in God’s sorrow over its absence.”(2) And so, the
kingdom we discover in the proclamations of Jesus is one that turns social
norms, status, and hierarchies upside down, one that reminds us that the
beggar Lazarus has a name, a place, and a value beyond the one we may have
given him. The words and actions of Christ call us to take seriously the
world in front of us, because in fact, it matters deeply.
Jill Carattini is senior associate writer at Ravi Zacharias
International Ministries in Atlanta, Georgia.
(1) William Faulkner, “Requiem for a Nun” in William Faulkner: Novels
1942-1954 (New York: Library of America, 1994), 535.
(2) James Washington, Ed., A Testament of Hope: The Essential Writings
and Speeches of Martin Luther King Jr. (New York: HarperCollins,
1986), 269.
(3) Nicolas Wolterstorff, Until Justice and Peace Embrace (Spring
Arbor: Spring Arbor Distributors, 1999), 113.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
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frustration
Monday, April 21, 2008
oh dear . . . sigh
On Monday, I'll call a company that deals with mold and make an appointment. I really pray they will be able to come very soon and that it won't be too difficult to deal with. Sigh. Thank God I have a safe and quiet place to stay at in the meantime, but it's still different from living in your own place.
Friday, April 18, 2008
oh dear lord . . .
Apparently, she was in my position when she was finishing her PhD . . . and she said that she'd never worked so hard before and she has never worked that hard since then, and that this kind of life is really unsustainable. I'm taking that as a promise that I will never ever have to work this hard EVER again!!!
Academia really is not worth it if you have to work this hard for so little pay. I want a life. I need a life. I really cannot wait to finish this dissertation.
Well, I turned in a version of Chapter 3 yesterday afternoon (no conclusion yet). And I've finished reading the novel that is the focus of Chapter 4. Graded four papers this evening (I want to strangle some of those students!!!!!). Not bad, considering that I've been watching a lot of TV in bed . . . too tired to even stay upright.
Too exhausted to even think about going for a run or doing pilates this evening and I love to exercise.
Friday, April 11, 2008
going out of town
A part of me does not want to be at the conference because sometimes I feel like all I need to do is sleep and sleep and sleep. But I know it helps to leave Ithaca for short periods.
Monday, April 07, 2008
on deconstruction
I don't always agree with Fish because he tends to be polemical, but he is really smart and this is a very clear, short piece on deconstruction. Can't wait to read the book!
--------
Stanley Fish
April 6, 2008, 7:19 pm
French Theory in America
It was in sometime in the ’80s when I heard someone on the radio talking about Clint Eastwood’s 1980 movie “Bronco Billy.” It is, he said, a “nice little film in which Eastwood deconstructs his ‘Dirty Harry’ image.”
That was probably not the first time the verb “deconstruct” was used casually to describe a piece of pop culture, but it was the first time I had encountered it, and I remember thinking that the age of theory was surely over now that one of its key terms had been appropriated, domesticated and commodified. It had also been used with some precision. What the radio critic meant was that the flinty masculine realism of the “Dirty Harry” movies — it’s a hard world and it takes a hard man to deal with its evils — is affectionately parodied in the story of a former New Jersey shoe salesman who dresses and talks like a tough cowboy, but is the good-hearted proprietor of a traveling Wild West show aimed at little children. It’s all an act , a confected fable, but so is Dirty Harry; so is everything. If deconstruction was something that an American male icon performed, there was no reason to fear it; truth, reason and the American way were safe.
It turned out, of course, that my conclusion was hasty and premature, for it was in the early ’90s that the culture wars went into high gear and the chief target of the neo-conservative side was this theory that I thought had run its course. It became clear that it had a second life, or a second run, as the villain of a cultural melodrama produced and starred in by Alan Bloom, Dinesh D’Souza, Roger Kimble and other denizens of the right, even as its influence was declining in the academic precincts this crew relentlessly attacked.
It’s a great story, full of twists and turns, and now it has been told in extraordinary detail in a book to be published next month: “French Theory: How Foucault, Derrida, Deleuze, & Co. Transformed the Intellectual Life of the United States” (University of Minnesota Press).
The book’s author is Francois Cusset, who sets himself the tasks of explaining, first, what all the fuss was about, second, why the specter of French theory made strong men tremble, and third, why there was never really anything to worry about.
Certainly mainstream or centrist intellectuals thought there was a lot to worry about. They agreed with Alan Sokal and Jean Bricmont, who complained that the ideas coming out of France amounted to a “rejection of the rationalist tradition of the Enlightenment” even to the point of regarding “science as nothing more than a ‘narration’ or a ‘myth’ or a social construction among many others.”
This is not quite right; what was involved was less the rejection of the rationalist tradition than an interrogation of its key components: an independent, free-standing, knowing subject, the “I” facing an independent, free-standing world. The problem was how to get the “I” and the world together, how to bridge the gap that separated them ever since the older picture of a universe everywhere filled with the meanings God originates and guarantees had ceased to be compelling to many.
The solution to the problem in the rationalist tradition was to extend man’s reasoning powers in order to produce finer and finer descriptions of the natural world, descriptions whose precision could be enhanced by technological innovations (telescopes, microscopes, atom smashers, computers) that were themselves extensions of man’s rational capacities. The vision was one of a steady progress with the final result to be a complete and accurate — down to the last detail — account of natural processes. Francis Bacon, often thought of as the originator of the project , believed in the early 17th century that it could be done in six generations.
It was Bacon who saw early on that the danger to the project was located in its middle term — the descriptions and experiments that were to be a window on the reality they were trying to capture. The trouble, Bacon explained, is that everything, even the framing of experiments, begins with language, with words; and words have a fatal tendency to substitute themselves for the facts they are supposed merely to report or reflect. While men “believe that their reason governs words,” in fact “words react on the understanding”; that is, they shape rather than serve rationality. Even precise definitions, Bacon lamented, don’t help because “the definitions themselves consist of words, and those words beget others” and as the sequence of hypotheses and calculations extends itself, the investigator is carried not closer to but ever further way from the independent object he had set out to apprehend.
In Bacon’s mind the danger of words going off on their own unconstrained-by-the-world way was but one example of the deficiencies we have inherited from the sin of Adam and Eve. In men’s love of their own words (and therefore of themselves), he saw the effects “of that venom which the serpent infused…and which makes the mind of man to swell.” As an antidote he proposed his famous method of induction which mandates very slow, small, experimental steps; no proposition is to be accepted until it has survived the test of negative examples brought in to invalidate it.
In this way, Bacon hopes, the “entire work of the understanding” will be “commenced afresh” and with better prospects of success because the mind will be “not left to take its own course, but guided at every step, and the business done as if by machinery.” The mind will be protected from its own inclination to err and “swell,” and the tools the mind inevitably employs, the tools of representation — words, propositions, predications, measures, symbols (including the symbols of mathematics) — will be reined in and made serviceable to and subservient to a prior realm of unmediated fact.
To this hope, French theory (and much thought that precedes it) says “forget about it”; not because no methodological cautions could be sufficient to the task, but because the distinctions that define the task — the “I,” the world, and the forms of description or signification that will be used to join them — are not independent of one another in a way that would make the task conceivable, never mind doable.
Instead (and this is the killer), both the “I” or the knower, and the world that is to be known, are themselves not themselves, but the unstable products of mediation, of the very discursive, linguistic forms that in the rationalist tradition are regarded as merely secondary and instrumental. The “I” or subject, rather than being the free-standing originator and master of its own thoughts and perceptions, is a space traversed and constituted — given a transitory, ever-shifting shape — by ideas, vocabularies, schemes, models, distinctions that precede it, fill it and give it (textual) being.
The Cartesian trick of starting from the beginning and thinking things down to the ground can’t be managed because the engine of thought, consciousness itself, is inscribed (written) by discursive forms which “it” (in quotation marks because consciousness absent inscription is empty and therefore non-existent) did not originate and cannot step to the side of no matter how minimalist it goes. In short (and this is the kind of formulation that drives the enemies of French theory crazy), what we think with thinks us.
It also thinks the world. This is not say that the world apart from the devices of human conception and perception doesn’t exist “out there”; just that what we know of that world follows from what we can say about it rather than from any unmediated encounter with it in and of itself. This is what Thomas Kuhn meant in The Structure of Scientific Revolutions when he said that after a paradigm shift — after one scientific vocabulary, with its attendant experimental and evidentiary apparatus, has replaced another — scientists are living in a different world; which again is not to say (what it would be silly to say) that the world has been altered by our descriptions of it; just that only through our descriptive machineries do we have access to something called the world.
This may sound impossibly counterintuitive and annoyingly new-fangled, but it is nothing more or less than what Thomas Hobbes said 300 years before deconstruction was a thought in the mind of Derrida or Heidegger: “True and false are attributes of speech, not of things.” That is, judgments of truth or falsehood are made relative to the forms of predication that have been established in public/institutional discourse. When we pronounce a judgment — this is true or that is false — the authorization for that judgment comes from those forms (Hobbes calls them “settled significations”) and not from the world speaking for itself. We know, Hobbes continues, not “absolutely” but “conditionally”; our knowledge issues not from the “consequence of one thing to another” but from the consequence of one name to another.
Three centuries later, Richard Rorty made exactly the same point when he declared, “where there are no sentences, there is no truth … the world is out there, but descriptions of the world are not.” Descriptions of the world are made by us, and we, in turn, are made by the categories of description that are the content of our perception. These are not categories we choose — were they not already installed there would be nothing that could do the choosing; it would make more sense (but not perfect sense ) to say that they have chosen or colonized us. Both the “I” and the world it would know are functions of language. Or in Derrida’s famous and often vilified words: There is nothing outside the text. (More accurately, there is no outside-the-text.)
Obviously the rationalist Enlightenment agenda does not survive this deconstructive analysis intact, which doesn’t mean that it must be discarded (the claim to be able to discard it from a position superior to it merely replicates it) or that it doesn’t yield results (I am writing on one of them); only that the progressive program it is thought to underwrite and implement — the program of drawing closer and closer to a truth independent of our discursive practices, a truth that, if we are slow and patient in the Baconian manner, will reveal itself and come out from behind the representational curtain — is not, according to this way of thinking, realizable.
That’s a loss, but it’s not a loss of anything in particular. It doesn’t take anything away from us. We can still do all the things we have always done; we can still say that some things are true and others false, and believe it; we can still use words like better and worse and offer justifications for doing so. All we lose (if we have been persuaded by the deconstructive critique, that is) is a certain rationalist faith that there will someday be a final word, a last description that takes the accurate measure of everything. All that will have happened is that one account of what we know and how we know it — one epistemology — has been replaced by another, which means only that in the unlikely event you are asked “What’s your epistemology?” you’ll give a different answer than you would have given before. The world, and you, will go on pretty much in the same old way.
This is not the conclusion that would be reached either by French theory’s detractors or by those American academics who embraced it. For both what was important about French theory in America was its political implications, and one of Cusset’s main contentions — and here I completely agree with him — is that it doesn’t have any. When a deconstructive analysis interrogates an apparent unity — a poem, a manifesto, a sermon, a procedure, an agenda — and discovers, as it always will, that its surface coherence is achieved by the suppression of questions it must not ask if it is to maintain the fiction of its self-identity, the result is not the discovery of an anomaly, of a deviance from a norm that can be banished or corrected; for no structure built by man (which means no structure) could be otherwise.
If “presences” — perspicuous and freestanding entities — are made by discursive forms that are inevitably angled and partial, the announcement that any one of them rests on exclusions it (necessarily) occludes cannot be the announcement of lack or error. No normative conclusion — this is bad, this must be overthrown — can legitimately be drawn from the fact that something is discovered to be socially constructed; for by the logic of deconstructive thought everything is; which doesn’t mean that a social construction cannot be criticized, only that it cannot be criticized for being one.
Criticizing something because it is socially constructed (and thus making the political turn) is what Judith Butler and Joan Scott are in danger of doing when they explain that deconstruction “is not strictly speaking a position, but rather a critical interrogation of the exclusionary operations by which ‘positions’ are established.” But those “exclusionary operations” could be held culpable only if they were out of the ordinary, if waiting around the next corner of analysis was a position that was genuinely inclusive. Deconstruction tells us (we don’t have to believe it) that there is no such position. Deconstruction’s technique of always going deeper has no natural stopping place, leads to no truth or falsehood that could then become the basis of a program of reform. Only by arresting the questioning and freeze-framing what Derrida called the endless play of signifiers can one make deconstruction into a political engine, at which point it is no longer deconstruction, but just another position awaiting deconstruction.
Cusset drives the lesson home: “Deconstruction thus contains within itself…an endless metatheoretical regression that can no longer be brought to a stop by any practical decision or effective political engagement. In order to use it as a basis for subversion…the American solution was..to divert it…to split it off from itself.” American academics “forced deconstruction against itself to produce a political ’supplement’ and in so doing substituted for “Derrida’s patient philological deconstruction” a “bellicose drama.”
That drama features deconstruction either as a positive weapon or as an object of attack, but the springs of the drama are elsewhere (in the ordinary, not theoretical, world of economic/social interest) because deconstruction neither mandates nor authorizes any course of action. Participants in the drama invoke deconstruction as a justification for reform or as the cause of evil; but the relationship between what is either celebrated or deplored will be rhetorical, not logical. That is, deconstruction cannot possibly be made either the generator of a politics you like or the cause of a politics you abhor. It just can’t be done without betraying it.
But, Cusset observes, “Americans do not take kindly to things being impossible,” and even though the “very logic of French theoretical texts prohibits certain uses of them,” they have not refrained from “taking a criticism of all methods of putting texts to work and trying to put them to work.” The result is the story Cusset tells about the past 40 years. A bunch of people threatening all kinds of subversion by means that couldn’t possibly produce it, and a bunch on the other side taking them at their word and waging cultural war. Not comedy, not tragedy, more like farce, but farce with consequences. Careers made and ruined, departments torn apart, writing programs turned into sensitivity seminars, political witch hunts, public opprobrium, ignorant media attacks, the whole ball of wax. Read it and laugh or read it and weep. I can hardly wait for the movie.
Sunday, April 06, 2008
not a bad day
Thursday, April 03, 2008
slight relief
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
blah
One of my paternal uncles emailed me today, saying my dad doesn't really want to be treated for his kidney problems, and my dad doesn't want us to know about it. My uncle also wanted me and my sister to help pay for treatment. I won't go into this too deeply, except to say that I'm dealing with anxiety, fear, and anger.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
what's wrong
On Wed, I turned in Ch 1, which is great except that I don't think I felt great for very long. In fact, I think I was happy from the time I realized I could turn in the draft (it's not complete yet) to the time when I actually placed hard copies in my professors' mailboxes. That took about 24 hours . . .
A part of it is due to the solitary nature of dissertation writing. You do have to be away from others who are not dissertating. It sometimes helps to be living with a roommate who also has to finish her dissertation, even if she works in a very different field that has different research and writing methods.
But dissertating is also solitary in the sense that few people understand the emotional difficulties of having to write so much, so fast, and under such great pressures. Those who do understand are trying to deal with the same thing, so they can commiserate occasionally and briefly before they go back to their work. Those who haven't gone through the experience don't understand just how difficult it is, and among them are those who are super-confident, those who think that they will just coast through this . . . well, I don't want to talk to them. And those who have gone through it nod their heads but they know they can't do anything besides assure me that I'll feel much better once I'm done.
The least helpful people are those who are doing other things and can't find a sympathetic bone in their body for a friend in need. I'm sorry, I really cannot be friends with them during this period.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
mourn
----
US death toll hits 4,000
By the time Specialist Jerry Ryen King decided to write about his experiences in Iraq, the teen-age paratrooper had more to share than most soldiers.
Messages From the Front
Excerpts from the e-mail messages, journals and Web postings of five soldiers who died in Iraq since Jan. 1, 2007. Warning: Some entries contain language that could be offensive to readers.
"I can't wait to get out of this place and return to you where I belong."
"If you're reading this, then something has happen to me and I am sorry."
"I was convoyed up to northern Iraq to learn a new weapon system. It soooooooo cool..."
In two operations to clear the outskirts of the village of Turki in the deadly Diyala Province, Specialist King and the rest of the Fifth Squadron faced days of firefights, grenade attacks and land mines. Well-trained insurgents had burrowed deep into muddy canals, a throwback to the trenches of World War I. As the fighting wore on, B-1 bombers and F-16s were called in to drop a series of powerful bombs.
Once the area was clear of insurgents, the squadron, part of the 82nd Airborne Division, uncovered hidden caches with thousands of weapons.
Two months later, Specialist King, a handsome former honors student and double-sport athlete from Georgia, sat down at his computer. In informal but powerful prose, he began a journal.
After 232 long, desolate, morose, but somewhat days of tranquility into deployment, I’ve decided that I should start writing some of the things I experienced here in Iraq. I have to say that the events that I have encountered here have changed my outlook on life...
The most recent mission started out as a 24-36 hour air-assault sniper mission in a known al-Qaida stronghold just north of Baghdad. We landed a few hours before daybreak and as soon as I got off the helicopter my night vision broke, I was surrounded by the sound of artillery rounds, people screaming in Arabic, automatic weapons, and the terrain didn’t look anything like what we were briefed. I knew it was going to be a bad day and a half.
Jerry Ryen King, journal entry, March 7, 2007
A month later, Specialist King was sitting inside his combat outpost, an abandoned school in Sadah, when suicide bombers exploded two dump trucks just outside the building. The school collapsed, killing Specialist King on April 23, 2007, along with eight other soldiers, and making the blast one of the most lethal for Americans fighting in Iraq.
In that instant, Specialist King became one of 4,000 service members and Defense Department civilians to die in the Iraq war — a milestone that was reached late Sunday, five years since the war began in March 2003. The last four members of that group, like the majority of the most recent 1,000 to die, were killed by an improvised explosive device. They died at 10 p.m. Sunday on a patrol in Baghdad, military officials said; their names have not yet been released.
The next day we cleared an area that made me feel as if I were in Vietnam. Honestly, it was one of the scariest times of my life. At one point I was in water up to my waist and heard an AK fire in my direction. But all in all the day was going pretty good, no one was hurt, I got to shoot a few rounds, toss a grenade, and we were walking to where the helicopter was supposed to pick us up.
Jerry Ryen King, journal entry, March 7, 2007
The year 2007 would prove to be especially hard on American service members; more of them died last year than in any other since the war began. Many of those deaths came in the midst of the 30,000-troop buildup known as “the surge,” the linchpin of President Bush’s strategy to tamp down widespread violence between Islamic Sunnis and Shiites, much of it in the country’s capital, Baghdad. In April, May and June alone, 331 American service members died, making it the deadliest three-month period since the war began.
But by fall, the strategy, bolstered by new alliances with Sunni tribal chiefs and a decision by the Shiite cleric Moktada al-Sadr to order his militia to stop fighting, appeared to be paying off as the country entered a period of relative calm. Military casualties and Iraqi civilian deaths fell, and the October-December period produced the fewest casualties of any three months of the war. The past month, though, has seen an uptick in killings and explosions, particularly suicide bombings. Much of the violence has traveled north to Mosul, where the group calling itself Al Qaeda in Mesopotamia remains strong.
Everything changed in a matter of 15 minutes... About the time I was opening my MRE (meal ready to eat) I heard an explosion. Everyone started running towards the sound of the explosion. Apparently a suicide bomber had blown himself up killing four soldiers from my squadron and injuring another. Our 36 hour mission turned into another air- assault into a totally different city, the clearing of it, and 5 more days. We did find over 100 RPG’s, IED making materials, insurgents implacing IED’s, artillery rounds, a sniper rifle, and sort of like a terrorist training book and cd’s.
Jerry Ryen King, journal entry, March 7, 2007
Unlike the soldiers of previous wars, who were only occasionally able to send letters back home to loved ones, many of those who died left behind an extraordinary electronic testimony describing in detail the labor, the fears and the banality of serving in Iraq.
In excerpts published here from journals, blogs and e-mail messages, five soldiers who died in the most recent group of 1,000 mostly skim the alarming particulars of combat, a kindness shown their relatives and close friends. Instead, they plunge readily into the mundane, but no less important rhythms of home. They fire off comments about holiday celebrations, impending weddings, credit card bills, school antics and the creeping anxiety of family members who are coping with one deployment too many.
At other moments, the service members describe the humor of daily life down range, as they call it. Hurriedly, with little time to worry about spelling or grammar, they riff on the chaos around them and reveal moments of fear. As casualties climb and the violence intensifies, so does their urge to share their grief and foreboding.
A Last Goodbye
Hey beautiful well we were on blackout again, we lost yet some more soldiers. I cant wait to get out of this place and return to you where i belong. I dont know how much more of this place i can take. i try to be hard and brave for my guys but i dont know how long i can keep that up you know. its like everytime we go out, any little bump or sounds freaks me out. maybe im jus stressin is all. hopefully ill get over it....
you know, you never think that anything is or can happen to you, at first you feel invincible, but then little by little things start to wear on you...
well im sure well be able to save a couple of bucks if you stay with your mom....and at the same time you can help her with some of the bills for the time being. it doesnt bother me. as long as you guys are content is all that matters. I love and miss you guys like crazy. I know i miss both of you too. at times id like to even just spend 1 minute out of this nightmare just to hold and kiss you guys to make it seem a little bit easier. im sure he will like whatever you get him for xmas, and i know that as he gets older he’ll understand how things work. well things here always seem to be......uhm whats the word.....interesting i guess you can say. you never know whats gonna happen and thats the worst part. do me a favor though, when you go to my sisters or moms or wherever you see my family let them know that i love them very much..ok? well i better get going, i have a lot of stuff to do. but hopefully ill get to hear from you pretty soon.*muah* and hugs. tell mijo im proud of him too!
love always,
your other half
Juan Campos, e-mail message to his wife, Dec. 12, 2006.
When Staff Sgt. Juan Campos, 27, flew from Baghdad to Texas for two weeks last year, there was more on his mind than rest and relaxation. He visited his father’s grave, which he had never seen. He spent time with his grandparents and touched base with the rest of his rambling, extended family.
The day he was scheduled to return to war, Sergeant Campos and his wife went out dancing and drinking all evening with friends. Calm and reserved by nature, Sergeant Campos could out-salsa and out-hip-hop most anyone on the dance floor. At the airport, his wife, Jamie Campos, who had grown used to the upheaval of deployment, surprised herself.
“I cried and I have never ever cried before,” said Mrs. Campos, 26, who has a 9-year-old son, Andre. “It was just really, really weird. He knew, and I kind of knew. It felt different.”
“We both felt that it was the last goodbye,” she said.
Tuesday, Oct. 3, 2006
Mood: gloomy
The life of an infantryman is never safe..how do I know, well I live it every day.
I lost a good friend of mine just two days ago to an enemy sniper. The worst feeling in the world is having lost one of your own and not being able to fight back. The more I go on patrol, the more alert I tend to be, but regardless of the situation here in Iraq is that we are never safe. No matter the countermeasures we take to prevent any attacks. They seem to seep through the cracks. Every day a soldier is lost or wounded by enemy attacks. I for one would like to make it home to my family one day. Pray for us and keep us in your thoughts...for an infantryman’s life is never safe.
Juan Campos, Myspace blog
Sergeant Campos, a member of the First Battalion, 26th Infantry, Charlie Company out of Germany, was one of thousands of infantrymen assigned to stabilize Baghdad and the surrounding areas last year during the troop buildup. Troops were sent deep into insurgent neighborhoods, where they lived in small outposts, patrolled on foot, cleared houses, mingled with Iraqis and rebuilt the infrastructure.
The extra 30,000 service members — 160,000 in all — were deployed to Iraq to help quell the runaway violence that threatened large-scale civil war. Most soldiers spent 15 months in Iraq, a length of time that military commanders have said is unsustainable. Many had fought in the war at least once. A few had been in Iraq multiple times.
My only goals are to make it out of this place alive and return you guys and make you as happy as I can.
Juan Campos, e-mail message to his wife, Dec. 15, 2006.
But to Sergeant Campos and the rest of Charlie Company in Adhamiya, a north Baghdad stronghold for Sunni insurgents, the buildup seemed oddly invisible. The men patrolled almost every day, sometimes 16 to 18 hours a day for months, often in 120-degree weather. Exhaustion was too kind a word for their fatigue.
More than 150 soldiers lived in a two-story house with portable toilets, no air-conditioning and temperamental showers. Sleep came only a few hours at a time. The fighting was vicious. Adhamiya was such a magnet for sectarian bloodletting that the military built a wall around it to contain the violence.
“They walled us in and left us there,” Staff Sgt. Robin Johnson, 28, said of the 110 men in Charlie Company. “We were a family. I would die for these guys before I die for my own blood brother.”
On patrol, sniper fire rang out so routinely that soldiers in Sergeant Campos’s platoon seldom stood still for more than four seconds. They scoured rooftops for Iraqi children who lobbed grenades at American soldiers for a handful of cash. Roadside bombs burst from inside drainage pipes, impossible to detect from the street. The bombs grew larger by the month.
Last year, these powerful improvised explosive devices, known as I.E.D.s were responsible for a majority of American fatalities, a new milestone. The bombs also killed multiple soldiers more often than in the past, a testament to their potency.
“It was the most horrible thing you could possibly imagine,” Sergeant Johnson said. “As soon as you left the gate, you could die at any second. If you went out for a day and you weren’t attacked, it was confusing.”
Charlie Company soldiers found a steady stream of Iraqis murdered by insurgents for money or revenge. Some had their faces wiped clean by acid. Others were missing their heads or limbs.
'It Could Have Been Me'
to tell the story of iraq is a hard one.
Ryan Wood, Myspace blog.
Sgt. Ryan M. Wood, 22, a gifted artist, prolific writer and a sly romantic from Oklahoma, was also one of the bluntest soldiers inside Charlie Company.
it is fighting extreme boredom with the lingering thought in the forefront of your mind that any minute on this patrol could be my last endeavour, only highlighted by times of such extreme terror and an adrenaline rush that no drug can touch. what [expletive] circumstances thinking “that should’ve been me” or “it could’ve been me”. wondering it that pile of trash will suddenly explode killing you or worse one of your beloved comrads..only backed by the past thoughts and experiences of really losing friends of yours and not feeling completely hopeless that it was all for nothing because all in all, you know the final outcome of this war. it is walking on that thin line between sanity and insanity. that feeling of total abandonment by a government and a country you used to love because politics are fighting this war......and its a losing battle....and we’re the ones ultimently paying the price.
Ryan Wood, Myspace blog, Adhamiya
For the soldiers in Iraq, reconciling Adhamiya with America was not always easy. One place was buried in garbage and gore and hopelessness. The other seemed unmoored from the war, fixated on the minutia of daily life and the hiccups of the famous. The media was content to indulge.
WHAT THE HELL AMERICA??
“What the hell happened?” any intelligent American might ask themselves throughout their day. While the ignorant, dragging themselves to thier closed off cubicle, contemplate the simple things in life such as “fast food tonight?” or “I wonder what motivated Brittany Spears to shave her unsightly, mishaped domepiece?”
To the simpleton, this news might appear “devastating.” I assume not everyone thinks this way, but from my little corner of the earth, Iraq, a spot in the world a majority of Americans could’nt point out on the map, it certainly appears so. This little piece of truly, heart-breaking news captured headlines and apparently American imaginations as FOX news did a two hour, truly enlightening piece of breaking news history. American veiwers watched intently, and impatiently as the pretty colors flashed and the media exposed the inner workings of Brittany’s obviously, deep character. I was amazed, truly dumbfounded wondering how we as Americans have sank so low. To all Americans I have but one phrase that helps me throughout my day of constant dangers and ever present death around the corner, “WHO THE [expletive] CARES!” Wow America, we have truly become a nation of self-absorbed retards. ... This world has serious problems and it’s time for America to start addressing them.
Ryan Wood, Myspace blog, May 26, 2007
The somberness of the job was hard to shake off. But, day to day, there was no more reliable antidote than Pfc. Daniel J. Agami, a South Floridian with biceps the size of cantaloupes, and Pfc. Ryan J. Hill, a self-described hellion who loved his “momma” and hailed from what he called the “felony flats” of Oregon. Funny men in the best sense of the word, the two provided a valuable and essential commodity in a war zone.
Their mother jokes — the kind that begin, “your mother is so...” — were legendary, culminating in a Myspace joke-off. It ended abruptly after an enough-is-enough phone call from Private Hill’s mother, who ranked No. 1 on his list of heroes in Myspace. Private Agami proclaimed victory.
About a month later...I went to my room and my mattress was missing and all my close were being worn by other people. I couldn’t figure it out so I knew right off the bat to go to Hill. I saw him walking down the hall wearing five of my winter jackets. He sold half my wardrobe right off his back to people in our company and my mattress was in someone else’s room. So then I had go to around and buy all my stuff back. (Now I think he won).
Daniel J. Agami, Charlie Company. Eulogy sent via e-mail message to his mother, Jan. 29, 2007
To keep their spirits up, combat soldiers learned to appreciate the incongruities of war in Iraq. Jokes scrawled inside a Port-o-Potty quickly made the rounds. Situational humor, from goofy to macabre, proved plentiful.
A really girly guy who was a cheerleader in high school, got knocked down and nearly hurt by the wind of the helicopter. Listening to Dickson recite what was in every single MRE was pretty funny. A cow charged and nearly trampled one of my friends when we were raiding a compound. And lastly, I thought that it was pretty comical that I shot at a guy a long ways out but missed and later after taking his house and using it as a patrol base he offered me Chai and rice.
Jerry Ryen King, Diyala Province
Even a trip to the dentist, with its fringe benefits, is cause for amusement in a war zone.
Last Sat. I had two of my wisdom teeth pulled. After taking double the prescribe percocot and morphine pills that the doctor gave me for the pain I decided to catch a flight back to my FOB (forward operation base). It was the coolest Blackhawk ride I’ve had, I was absolutely ripped and I talked the pilots into leaving the doors open. We had four more guys die a couple days ago. They hit an IED, it killed everyone in the humvee.. It’s starting to get a little scary. We made it our first six months with just two deaths and that was plenty. But now just in the past two and a half weeks we’ve had nine more guys get killed, and over 50 wounded. I’m just hoping that I can make it the 75 more days or so that we have left of combat operations before we start packing.
Jerry Ryen King, journal entry, April 11, 2007
Among the guys in Charlie Company, Private Agami, 25, was among the boldest and close to impossible to depress. He was the kind of guy who joined an endurance ski contest on a whim. He came in fourth. He had never skied in his life.
Private Agami had time for everyone, and everyone had time for him. Affectionately called GI Jew, he held his religion up to the light. He used it to build tolerance among the troops and shatter stereotypes; few in his unit had ever met a Jew. He flew the Israeli flag over his cot in Adhamiya. He painted the words Hebrew Hammer onto his rifle. He even managed to keep kosher, a feat that required a steady diet of protein shakes and cereal.
Commander Mom, I cant wait to come home and when I do, dont worry ill have allot to say to the congregation. Dont worry about my mental stage either, we all receive counseling and help from doctors when something like this happens. I am a strong individual physically and mentally and if there is one thing the army teaches you, it is how to deal with death. Everyday that passes it gets easier and easier. I miss you guys very much and I love you!
Daniel Agami, e-mail message to his mother, Oct. 28, 2006
It did not get easier.
I try not to cry. I have never cried this much my entire life. two great men got taken from us way too soon. i wonder why it was them in not me. I sit here right now wondering why did they go to the gates of heaven n not me. I try everynight count my blessing that I made it another day but why are we in this hell over here? why? i cant stop askin why?
Ryan Hill, Myspace blog, Nov. 1, 2006
Private Hill was riding in a Humvee on Jan. 20, 2007 when an I.E.D. buried in the middle of the road detonated under his seat, killing him instantly.
Sergeant Campos was riding in a Humvee on May 14, 2007, two weeks after returning from Texas, when it hit an I.E.D. The bomb lifted the Humvee five feet off the ground and engulfed it in flames. “That’s when we just left hope at the door,” Sergeant. Johnson said. Severely burned over 80 percent of his body, Sergeant Campos lived two weeks. He died June 1. Another soldier, Pfc. Nicholas S. Hartge, 20, of Indiana, died in the same attack.
Private Agami was driving a Bradley fighting vehicle on June 21, 2007 when it hit an I.E.D. The explosion flipped the 30-ton vehicle, which also carried Sergeant Wood. Both men were killed, along with three other soldiers and an Iraqi interpreter.
“Obviously, it came to a point, you didn’t care anymore if it got better,” said Staff Sgt. Jeremy S. Rausch, 31, one of Sergeant Campos’s best friends in Charlie Company. “You didn’t care about the people because they didn’t care about themselves. We had already lost enough people that we just thought, you know, ‘why?’ ”
During their time in Adhamiya, the soldiers of Charlie Company caught more than two dozen high-value targets, found nearly 50 weapons caches, detained innumerable insurgents and won countless combat awards. They lost 14 men. Their mission was hailed a success.
Just in Case
Texan to the core, enamored of the military, Specialist Daniel E. Gomez, 21, an Army combat medic in the division’s Alpha Company, relied on his books, his iPod and an Xbox to distract him from the swirl.
strange but this place where we are at is unreal almost. I hope I come back mentally in shape. lol.
Daniel Gomez, Myspace blog, Sept. 9, 2006
He took pride in being the guy who tended to wounded soldiers under fire, patching them up to help them survive. He did not hesitate to do the same for Iraqis.
this iraqi national who I have to say was extremely lucky that he escaped with only sharpnel wounds (metal fragments that fly away from a bomb) when he was standin near a car bomb that was aimed at Iraqi police patrol. Turns out it blow up just when we were passin by soo we had to stop and help. He really was not that lucky though...He had sharpnel to the ankle (it was also broken), to the calf and in the stomach. And he lost his 2 sons in the blast. this [expletive] happens everyday here. [Expletive] insurgents. Anyhow there are more pictures.
Daniel Gomez, e-mail message to friends and family, Sept. 15, 2006
As the violence intensified, Specialist Gomez set aside thoughts of a free Iraq or a safer America and, like generations of soldiers before him, simply started fighting for the soldier next to him.
A few days ago I realized why I am here in Baghdad dealing with all the gunfire, the rocket attacks, the IEDs, the car bombs, the death. I have only been here going on a month and a half. Already I have seen what war really is... but officially its called “full spectrum operations.” No I don’t down Bush, he is my CinC, and I think he is doing an good job with what Clinton left him. I don’t debate why we are involved in Iraq. I just know why I am here. It is not for the smiling Iraqi kids, or the even the feeling of wearing the uniform ( it feels damn good though :) . I am here for the soldier on patrol with me.
But why are you there in the states. Why are you having that nice dinner, watching TV, going out on dates...
Daniel Gomez, e-mail to friends and family. Sept. 27, 2006
And then Specialist Gomez fell in love. An e-mail flirtation with Katy Broom, his sister’s close friend, gradually led to a cyber exchange of guarded promises about the future. Headed home for a rest break in May, the tentativeness lifted and they began to rely on each other to get through the day. The two joked about “the best sex we never had.”
...this R&R there is someone new in my life. Exactly what she is too me, and what I am to her is uncertain, but its not really important at the moment. Just the thought that I could spent a second of my life with her, before I have to come back here makes everything worth it.
Daniel Gomez, Myspace blog, May 9, 2007
Rest and relaxation in Georgia went better than expected. He fell in love with the love of his life all over again, this time in person. The couple shared one kiss during his leave.
“He was everything I expected and more,” said Ms. Broom, 20, who spent one week and two days with him. “It was kind of surreal when we met. It’s almost like a perfect love and war story.”
Not many soldiers leave behind a just-in-case letter. Specialist Gomez did. He handed Ms. Broom an envelope at the airport with the words, “Don’t read unless something happens to me.”
On July 18, 2007, two months after his leave, Specialist Gomez died in Adhamiya when the Bradley fighting vehicle he was in struck a roadside bomb. The explosion and flames also killed three other soldiers.
Ms. Broom waited three days after she got word to open the letter. She sat alone in the couple’s favorite spot, her apartment balcony.
“I was very thankful that he wrote it,” she said of the letter. “I have opened and closed it so many times, I’m surprised it hasn’t fallen apart.”
R+R 2007
Hey baby. If you’re reading this, then something has happen to me and I am sorry. I promised you I would come back to you, but I guess it was a promise I could not keep. You know I never believe in writing “death letters.” I knew if I left one for my folks it would scare them. Then I met you. We were supposed to meet, darling. I needed someone to make me smile, someone that was an old romantic like I was. I was going through a very rough time in Iraq and I was startin to doubt my mental state. Then one day after a patrol, I go to my facebook and there you were...
I can’t stop crying while I writing this letter, but I have to talk to you one last time, because maybe the last time I heard your voice I did not know it would be the last time I heard your voice....
I Love You. Go be happy, go raise a family. Teach your kids right from wrong, and have faith, darling. I think I knew I loved you even before I met. I love you, Katy. * Kiss * Goodbye